Torn over the divorce after 3 years of separation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I was with my bpd ex for 7 years and moved to a different country to be with her. In the end after countless push/pull, violent to me so we both lost our job at the company we worked for. Deleted all of my Facebook so I lost all of my friends who I’d met travelling the world before I met her, distanced me from my family and friends, threatening to attack my family and left me 10 months with no contact panicking that she’s come here and harm them… the list goes on and some of these things are probably similar to those of you wouldn’t borrderline partners.

She was calling me for 2 years off and on after the breakup asking me to move back to her country, give it another go, now she’s in a relationship. I presume serious and she seems ready to the the divorce papers. Part of me if very happy as she caused me so much pain and I’ve only now built up a friendship group, kind of on my way back to who I was before her, but part of me is gutted and having lots of thoughts of ‘should I have tried one more time’. Maybe it’s a case of ‘wanted what you can’t have’ although she did call me a few months ago to tell me her friends partner had died (no idea why she’d be calling me out of the blue to tell me that if she’s happy in a relationship…) maybe testing the water still.

It feels like she’s cast a spell over me and although I’ve been on a relationship for 2 years now, it seems she has a habit of getting back into my mind like casting a spell which is hard to shake off… anybody experienced this before after a long time of being separated? The logical side of me is like run run I’ve got away lightly as I’m still alive and still have family and friends and my health (just about as the stress she caused me is still causing me lasting issues)

Many thanks (love this amazing group)

[Sufferingsoul34]

Hi all,

I was with my bpd ex for 7 years and moved to a different country to be with her. In the end after countless push/pull, violent to me so we both lost our job at the company we worked for. Deleted all of my Facebook so I lost all of my friends who I’d met travelling the world before I met her, distanced me from my family and friends, threatening to attack my family and left me 10 months with no contact panicking that she’s come here and harm them… the list goes on and some of these things are probably similar to those of you wouldn’t borrderline partners.

She was calling me for 2 years off and on after the breakup asking me to move back to her country, give it another go, now she’s in a relationship. I presume serious and she seems ready to the the divorce papers. Part of me if very happy as she caused me so much pain and I’ve only now built up a friendship group, kind of on my way back to who I was before her, but part of me is gutted and having lots of thoughts of ‘should I have tried one more time’. Maybe it’s a case of ‘wanted what you can’t have’ although she did call me a few months ago to tell me her friends partner had died (no idea why she’d be calling me out of the blue to tell me that if she’s happy in a relationship…) maybe testing the water still.

It feels like she’s cast a spell over me and although I’ve been on a relationship for 2 years now, it seems she has a habit of getting back into my mind like casting a spell which is hard to shake off… anybody experienced this before after a long time of being separated? The logical side of me is like run run I’ve got away lightly as I’m still alive and still have family and friends and my health (just about as the stress she caused me is still causing me lasting issues)

Many thanks (love this amazing group)

[Rev]

Hi all,





It feels like she’s cast a spell over me and although I’ve been on a relationship for 2 years now, it seems she has a habit of getting back into my mind like casting a spell which is hard to shake off… anybody experienced this before after a long time of being separated? The logical side of me is like run run I’ve got away lightly as I’m still alive and still have family and friends and my health (just about as the stress she caused me is still causing me lasting issues)

Many thanks (love this amazing group)

Yes I did.  I am in year three now, and I still get the shakes every now and then, but they are far less. You said that she was physically abusive?  Mine was too.

I have an expression now - Give your body the time to catch up to your mind.

Last summer, I suffered true PTSD (which is not the same as having flash backs or dreams or ruminations) I got triggered without really knowing it. When that happened and I realized it, I did some trauma work with a T and that lightened the load.

Can you share what some of your symptoms are. You say that "it's like a spell". Can you say more about that specifically?

Abuse is a very difficult thing - and some people need to learn to live with its effects like people need to learn to live with being diabetic.

I hope this makes sense. I did an MA research paper on the topic of male victims of abuse. There are markers that can be identified.

Anyway, if you'd like to start a thread about this, I'd be happy to join in and add what I can.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Sufferingsoul34]

I say it feels like a spell because she’s had caused me so much stress/pain and now I have long term issues from the stress, but still it feels like she has a spell over me that I still think of her and wonder if there should be another go at it, even though deep down I know it’s a recipe for disaster. It’s like all logic goes out of the window.