Trying to understand...

[Goldcrest]

Hey all, I post a lot on the Parent with BPD boards because my mum was BPD/NPD and I think my dad was NPD too. My childhood was horrendous and my very first relationship was at 15 with a man of 35 who groomed me into a relationship where I was exploited sexually. I was so desperate for attention and to leave home that I literally ran into his arms. Eventually I got out of that relationship and had a string of dysfunctional ones from then on... till I met my current partner of 25 years.

The relationship with my partner was never easy. I was very damaged from my childhood and take full responsibility for my borderline traits early on, I worked hard in therapy and was able to open a dialogue with my partner where I could be very honest about what was happening for me (a sort of  radical honesty). I noticed in the last 10 years of my relationship that the balance started to tip, I was doing all the heavy lifting, all the household chores, dog walking, cooking and working long hours. I would do this because he also worked long hours and I felt I couldn't ask him to help. If he had any free time I would feel guilty asking to spend it with him and he would always prioritise his hobbies. He was earning 5x more than me yet would not share his money and everything was split equally down the middle despite my earning so much less. There was no sexual relationship, he doesn't really enjoy sex. If I complained about any of this it would cause him to feel attacked and criticised. I would then feel really guilty and end up very emotional, then later apologise.

I have stayed in the relationship for years for fear of being alone and I think I had a sort of fantasy bond. If I told him I was unhappy he would tell me that it was a great relationship and he had no problem with it. He would say that we were lucky. Don't get me wrong I am not easy to love but I try to own my stuff and talk about it. Sometimes I felt like he lacked empathy but he works in that field.

He was never openly nasty to me but the relationship could feel very subtly controlling and withholding. Does any of this resonate with anyone here? I still worry that I am some how wrong, other people really like him. We are separating now and both in agreement. I am just waiting to get my own place. I suppose I am interested in peoples comments and if anyone can relate to our relationship.

[Notwendy]

We tend to choose and also attract partners with whom we replicate some of the dysfunction in our families of origin. This is also documented in relationship books. What makes two people attracted to each other? I think we've all experienced meeting people and there isn't anything really shockingly wrong - such as being very unattractive or mean and yet, there is "no spark" "no chemistry. And then there's chemistry with someone else. Why is this?

It's not something we are conscious of entirely. In part, the dynamics feel familiar to us, even if they are dysfunctional. We learned certain behaviors in our families that were necessary for our survival then, and are dysfunctional as adults. We also may have experienced emotional trauma, and low self esteem from how we grew up.

We may then seek out people who don't reciprocate our love and attention, just as our parents did the same. Yet, we think if only we try harder, they may change. Well we know from the parent board that this isn't effective.

Also we choose people who seem to match our boundaries. Two people might meet, have a couple of dates but if one has poor boundaries and the other does not- the relationship is not likely to proceed. Poor boundaries lead to tolerating/not recognizing red flags and accepting behaviors that are not kind to us.

If I told him I was unhappy he would tell me that it was a great relationship and he had no problem with it. He would say that we were lucky

How invalidating. He's speaking for himself. The relationship works for him because he controls it and steers it to how he wants it- all about what he wants, but not any consideration of you.

And you have decided it isn't good for you to remain in this situation. You aren't wrong to consider how you feel in this relationship. You aren't happy with someone who is inconsiderate to you, and when you bring up your wishes, he dismisses them.

Other people like "him" but the "him" they see is his social persona and just because someone else likes him, doesn't mean you have to.

You aren't wrong. You are now considering your own self worth.

Once aware of our own behaviors we can work on gaining boundaries and better relationship skills. It is also said that if we leave a dysfunctional relationship without reflecting on our part in it, we may risk repeating the same patterns with someone else. That's a good incentive for self work before making the next commitment.

[Goldcrest]

Notwendy thank you for your thoughtful response. I think since no contact with my mother I am now doing more of a deep dive into the dynamics in my relationship with my ex-husband. Living with him, till I can move to my own place, is fairly amicable but it is also allowing me to see things with a new pair of eyes. Some of the old dynamics are still there and I can see how I respond to them. Without the last four years of intense stress from my mother (when I started back on full contact with her after low contact) suddenly I have space to look more clearly at the detail in why I wanted to separate from my husband.

I always worry it is me, I am the problem. I do recognise how easily triggered I am in relationships, it is something I have to work on every day. To feel the feeling that arises and ask myself if it is proportional? or does it belong to the past.

If I told him I was unhappy he would tell me that it was a great relationship and he had no problem with it. He would say that we were lucky

The above was the wake up call for me, I saw it happen again and again and as the waves of unhappiness got closer and closer together I could see I was staying in a relationship full of promises. He would also tell me when he changes job/moves house/sleeps better things will improve. It always felt like we were siblings and not in a romantic relationship. I felt this for years.

Again thanks for reading and your helpful response.

[Notwendy]

I always worry it is me, I am the problem.

That is understandable. We felt responsible for our BPD parents' feelings growing up. Now, you are questioning this message and not accepting it as true.