Discarded, again.

[Depression = 72% of members]

No matter what I do. No matter how carefree I am. No matter how much I love and support her without conditions, she still finds a way to split.

We broke up 3 months ago. Went NC for 2 weeks, she showed up drunk at my and we were intimate. We talked for a few days and she split again for 3 weeks NC.

All of January we were on great terms. She’d ask me to lunch. Talking and seeing each other. But every time she leaves she split and feels bad and says  it’s only making things harder. I never react and just say okay.

The first week of Feb we talked everyday and spent 4 days together. Things were amazing. I felt like she was falling back in love. We were getting along so great. Then suddenly last Monday she pulled back and said she had to create boundaries for her growth/being alone. I didn’t talk to her for a week. On Valentine’s I sent her really sweet message at 9:30 PM telling her how much I adored her.

She didn’t even respond. The next day I found out she’s been out on a date recently which goes against everything she said. I called and confronted her. She got really angry and denied it just like she did the cheating in our relationship. She said she was asleep the day before, I’m sure another lie.

She can never go less than a few days without hitting me up and has had no issues the last couple weeks. I think this guy she went on a date with is my replacement but she won’t tell me cause she isn’t sure where they’re headed and she wants me in her orbit.

I literally was the best to this girl. Never cheated. Patient. Even though she was uBPD. And she pushed me to my breaking point then blamed me and made me out to look abusive. Same  story as most.

I’m just so hurt. This hurts worse then the break up. How can i love someone this much who has been awful to me? How can I not see her for the unstable, dishonest, person she is?

Is she going to keep coming back tome and time again? I’m so weak. I don’t want anyone else so when she comes back I just let her for the sake of seeing her. It’s breaking me down.

Does anyone have experience like this? Does it ever stop? I think if this guy is an actual interest it will be the end for awhile. But she cheated on me with her “abusive” ex 6 months into our relationship and again 9 months into. I didn’t find out till after we split.

Just need some positive words. I’m in a really bad spot. I don’t even want to be alive tbh. I would never do that. But this person has used me up. I have nothing left to give. I tried everything

[So many questions]

No matter what I do. No matter how carefree I am. No matter how much I love and support her without conditions, she still finds a way to split.

We broke up 3 months ago. Went NC for 2 weeks, she showed up drunk at my and we were intimate. We talked for a few days and she split again for 3 weeks NC.

All of January we were on great terms. She’d ask me to lunch. Talking and seeing each other. But every time she leaves she split and feels bad and says  it’s only making things harder. I never react and just say okay.

The first week of Feb we talked everyday and spent 4 days together. Things were amazing. I felt like she was falling back in love. We were getting along so great. Then suddenly last Monday she pulled back and said she had to create boundaries for her growth/being alone. I didn’t talk to her for a week. On Valentine’s I sent her really sweet message at 9:30 PM telling her how much I adored her.

She didn’t even respond. The next day I found out she’s been out on a date recently which goes against everything she said. I called and confronted her. She got really angry and denied it just like she did the cheating in our relationship. She said she was asleep the day before, I’m sure another lie.

She can never go less than a few days without hitting me up and has had no issues the last couple weeks. I think this guy she went on a date with is my replacement but she won’t tell me cause she isn’t sure where they’re headed and she wants me in her orbit.

I literally was the best to this girl. Never cheated. Patient. Even though she was uBPD. And she pushed me to my breaking point then blamed me and made me out to look abusive. Same  story as most.

I’m just so hurt. This hurts worse then the break up. How can i love someone this much who has been awful to me? How can I not see her for the unstable, dishonest, person she is?

Is she going to keep coming back tome and time again? I’m so weak. I don’t want anyone else so when she comes back I just let her for the sake of seeing her. It’s breaking me down.

Does anyone have experience like this? Does it ever stop? I think if this guy is an actual interest it will be the end for awhile. But she cheated on me with her “abusive” ex 6 months into our relationship and again 9 months into. I didn’t find out till after we split.

Just need some positive words. I’m in a really bad spot. I don’t even want to be alive tbh. I would never do that. But this person has used me up. I have nothing left to give. I tried everything

[csquare319]

I feel you, man. I was in your shoes two years ago. Now I am completely free from the malaise of BPD. It takes hard work, but you can do it.

Best thing to do is NC, and deep down you already know this. Every time you let her back into your life, the cycle restarts and pain increases.

Don't talk to her. Don't see her. Block her on everything, don't give her a chance to contact you, don't open the door when she knocks, don't check on her social media, move if you have to ... you get the picture. Don't give yourself or her any excuse to relapse. The first two months are hell, but it'll get better as long as you stick with NC.

If you truly want to be free, you'll do the things you know are necessary to become free. You have the power to choose.

[once removed]

do you want to be with her, or do you want to be without her?

thats really the most important question.

after that, the most important question is what it would take to be squarely in one corner.

the status quo isnt working.

[So many questions]

do you want to be with her, or do you want to be without her?

thats really the most important question.

after that, the most important question is what it would take to be squarely in one corner.

the status quo isnt working.

To be completely honest, I do want to be with her. I really love her and I’ve realized it more and more since the break up. I had zero knowledge, let alone understanding of BPD until after we broke up. And I just get it. It makes me understand everything she did, and then be empathetic. I would love to try things with professional counseling and the understanding I have now. I didn’t handle it well cause I was unaware. I took it all personal and became cold and paranoid and controlling bc things were so crazy and up and down.  Which is prob all just codependency talking, but to answer your question honestly, I do.

Your second question, I have no answer. She didn’t seek therapy. She didn’t make changes. She’s out dating after saying she was gonna be alone. So there is no way to get squarely in one corner. She lies to her friends about seeing me. It’s all really dysfunctional. And wouldn’t work.

So my only option is the other corner, even if i don’t want that. I just am too weak to do what I need to do. And I can’t find the strength anywhere.

[So many questions]

I feel you, man. I was in your shoes two years ago. Now I am completely free from the malaise of BPD. It takes hard work, but you can do it.

Best thing to do is NC, and deep down you already know this. Every time you let her back into your life, the cycle restarts and pain increases.

Don't talk to her. Don't see her. Block her on everything, don't give her a chance to contact you, don't open the door when she knocks, don't check on her social media, move if you have to ... you get the picture. Don't give yourself or her any excuse to relapse. The first two months are hell, but it'll get better as long as you stick with NC.

If you truly want to be free, you'll do the things you know are necessary to become free. You have the power to choose.

How many times did you relapse before it was finally it? I know I’m close. She’s dating around.. It’s clear someone, prob many, has her attention and I feel so discarded. I’ve read that as soon as they have someone new to entertain their needs, it’s like you don’t exist and I never thought I’d feel that but yeah.

I wish she’d tell me the truth. She denies being on dates. She beats around the bush and doesn’t reassure me she’s on her own like she use to. I wish she’d just tell me and block me and make the choice. Because I just can’t find the strength. I’m trauma bonded and codependent and it’s just really hard.

Did she try crazy means to contact you after NC? Did she start another smear campaign? I’m concerned about those things.

[finallyout]

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering.

It is always easier said than done, but you need to do some inner work, my friend! You need to understand yourself much more than understanding BPD. There is the Borderline Personality Disorder and there is also the disorder of the partner of the BPD. Why do you want someone like her in your life? Someone who is treating you so badly? Why can't you let go of her? There is much to explore, and only you can do that.

I wish you all the best. 

[Good Intentions]

I'm so sorry to hear the pain you're in @So many questions...

I'm really struggling to accept being discarded by my 27 y/o ex-pwBPD after 4 years together. Like you, I can pretty objectively state that I was/am trauma-bonded and codependent at least some of the time.

I also love my ex dearly, and a strong part of me wishes that tomorrow I would wake up to a text from her explaining how different things were going to be, and for me to truly feel confident in believing her. More than anything, I want a life with this person, even after everything I blame her BPD for causing me to experience (primarily abuse & neglect).

Just like you, I'm disappointed in myself for not learning more & trying to put into practice more effective techniques sooner, but we can't let that guilt/remorse/regret dictate our decisions. I have no doubt that just like me, you'd love nothing more than to communicate to your partner (and have them believe you) that you're 100% committed to supporting them as they work on managing their BPD, and we're motivated by both our love for them as well as our desire to make up for past mistakes & prove "we're better than that".

But I also know that you could literally be the best version of yourself tomorrow with BPD-omnipotence and still not be able to be in a healthy relationship with this person. And that's been the really hard thing for me to accept in all of this - it may never be possible with this person no matter who I am.

That hypothetical, as well as others like "how is it going to feel when she inevitably moves on from me & starts dating another person" are painful to contemplate and typically have no answer, so instead I'm trying to focus on myself...to try to see how I was willing to base my self-esteem on how this other person thinks or feels or treats me, and what does that say about my potential lack of self-love?

Those are the questions worth exploring.

[So many questions]

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering.

It is always easier said than done, but you need to do some inner work, my friend! You need to understand yourself much more than understanding BPD. There is the Borderline Personality Disorder and there is also the disorder of the partner of the BPD. Why do you want someone like her in your life? Someone who is treating you so badly? Why can't you let go of her? There is much to explore, and only you can do that.

I wish you all the best. 

I’ve been in therapy since we broke up and attending some CODA meetings. Because honestly, I can’t answer those questions. It makes me feel really bad about myself that I would allow someone to treat me like she did for so long. She makes the entire break up my fault because my reaction during her largest mental breakdown we ever had, and I’m still hanging on. She hit me in the face after I found out she had cheated early in our relationship by going through her phone. I forgave her.

It doesn’t make sense but I can’t let go. The highs were so high, something I’ve never felt. Yet the lows matched the same intensity. She is extremely beautiful. Everyone said I landed “the hottest girl in the city”. So I think I’m dealing with an attachment to that status. She owns a business and is prominent socially. And to be real, when BPD symptoms arent effecting her, she is so warm and charismatic and soothing. Yet it flips with the wrong word or look. It’s really hard. I love her so much but this is all killing me. Thank you for your support. She “had a long day” yesterday so she didn’t call so Today we are suppose to talk if she “has time” and then go NC. But I doubt I hear from her.

[So many questions]

That hypothetical, as well as others like "how is it going to feel when she inevitably moves on from me & starts dating another person" are painful to contemplate and typically have no answer, so instead I'm trying to focus on myself...to try to see how I was willing to base my self-esteem on how this other person thinks or feels or treats me, and what does that say about my potential lack of self-love?

Those are the questions worth exploring.

Wow. I feel everything you say so immensely. It is the exact state of mind I’m in. Even with all the therapy I’ve done, meetings, and just being a support for her unconditionally, she still has split me to black. There is no way we could be in a healthy relationship at this point. She hasn’t done anything to work on herself. She doesn’t admit she has issues and just uses the night we broke up to excuse the lies, cheating, outbursts, disappearing acts, that went on for a year and a half.

It will hurt when she finds someone else. I found out she’s out dating. It hurt. But she was doing that while we together so why do I even care.

I don’t know how but I’ll find the courage to let go one day. Today was a better day than the last 2 weeks. I feel angry which is better than pain I guess.

[So many questions]

The main question is why? Why do I love someone who treated me so terribly and inconsistently for so long? Why can’t I let someone go who could tell me they love me and want to marry and have kids, while hooking up with someone else? Why would I let someone call me all the names in the book and break up time and time again and disappear? Why would I want to get back with someone who made me look like a monster to all her friends and family, even though she herself has hit me?  Why do I hold onto them when theyve never been honest with me?

Why do I look at every person and judge them based on the qualities I love in my ex? Why do I only focus on the amazing qualities and forget the ones that hurt me so very badly. I can’t find interest in anyone. No one gives me the same feeling. No one has her laugh or personality or energy. I sit there disassociated just thinking how much I miss her and her charm. She was incredible when things weren’t bad. The most amazing, loving, fun, exciting person I’ve ever met.  I don’t want anyone else but why? Why am I so weak? Where did I become capable of being mistreated and be okay with it? I had a great childhood.

The next question is for others. How? How did you make it stop. I’ve tried everything. No contact. Submerging myself in my passions. Going out. Loving life. Therapy. CODA. And still, she is the only thing I want or care about. I don’t care how hard it is or was, I actually was fine with it. I was starting to figure out how to deal with it. How is it going to stop when I can’t not think about her when I’m alone, and it only intensifies when I’m surrounded by others?

How do I stop obsessing on what I could’ve done differently? How do I stop wondering what she’s doing? All the typical answers haven’t worked. And yes, it’s my fault for letting her push and pull me back in, but no contact wasn’t working. It was only getting worse.

If you can relate, then my final question was when? When did the comparing stop? When did you finally have the courage to forget about her even if it was for a couple hours?

I’m losing my mind. I’ve had intrusive thoughts. I’ve developed morning PTSD. I spend hours on this forum. My life is amazing. I have everything I’ve ever wanted except one thing. And that one thing is her, and without her, everything else feels meaningless and empty.

I wish I would’ve never met her honestly. But she might be in my life to show me how weak I am. And how little self worth I have. I am aware. But I can’t change it.

[ILMBPDC]

Wow. I feel everything you say so immensely. It is the exact state of mind I’m in. Even with all the therapy I’ve done, meetings, and just being a support for her unconditionally, she still has split me to black. There is no way we could be in a healthy relationship at this point. She hasn’t done anything to work on herself. She doesn’t admit she has issues and just uses the night we broke up to excuse the lies, cheating, outbursts, disappearing acts, that went on for a year and a half.

It will hurt when she finds someone else. I found out she’s out dating. It hurt. But she was doing that while we together so why do I even care.

I don’t know how but I’ll find the courage to let go one day. Today was a better day than the last 2 weeks. I feel angry which is better than pain I guess.

I see a lot of the same sentiments in your posts that I had. I wanted to be with my ex so badly, despite how he made me feel. I was clinging to the few "highs" and they clouded my vision. Every word he said to me, every gesture, I read into thinking he still wanted to be with me (he doesn't, except as a booty call )

I had to redirect focus on myself and figure out why I was clinging to someone I knew wasn't good for me. Turns out, a lot of this was due to my own childhood abandonment issues and growing up in a dysfunctional family. I am now seeing a trauma therapist for cPTSD.   I had to stop thinking "If only he would see a therapist" and see one myself. I had to come clean to myself about why I was clinging so hard to him. Its been extremely hard work but in the long run I know I will be better off.

[So many questions]

You can jump to the *** paragraph for the good news.

Long story:
My exBPD has never, not one single time admitted to her actual transgressions. She could admit she went too far or overreacted, but I better forgive quick and then it turns to her mental health and how she’s a victim to her own mind. Next thing I know I’m cuddling her and comforting her even though she just betrayed me.

I caught her sending sexual messages and trying to have a threesome with her best friend and random  dude. I broke up with her, she swore to me nothing physical happened it was “just a drunk night”  and begged me back. I took her back.

Months later i found a message about the same random guy saying, “thank god I made him use a condom”. She straight up denied it even though I had full proof. Just lied. She used the fact that It was in the first month of our relationship as an excuse and called me unempathetic  to her situation at the time (she was fresh out a break up).

After we finally broke up for good. I found out through her friends that she cheated on me with her “abusive” ex. 2 different people verified the story. She completely denied it. Gas lit me and called both her friends liars.

I still hung on. Begging for her heart. Telling her I will wait forever. 

***Yesterday, I finally confirmed through her literal best friend(who was very flirty) - that she’s out dating and getting wined and dined at the fanciest spots. A week prior I confronted her about it and guess what? She lied and denied. She doesn’t want me to go do the same. She needs to control me even from afar.

It hurt. But you know what? I feel free. Before, I couldn’t talk to girls let alone show interest. I didn’t want to jeopardize a chance with her. I was shut off from any and all interests.

But now, I feel like a free man. She’s let me go. She went against everything she said she was gonna do post break up. Be alone, therapy, stop drinking, change jobs. None of it has happened. And now she is just diving into the next poor soul to suck dry  than discard.

It was like the final verification I needed to start my next chapter. I have worked so freaking hard on myself. Therapy weekly, CODA, studying and studying, conflict management. I am ready and capable of loving someone in a healthy manner. Now I just need to heal my broken heart.

 Has anyone ever felt this? I feel motivation. Time to get out there and live. I’ve been living for her for too long, almost killed myself, and she could care less. Obviously there’s times I’m jealous of whoever is getting love bombed cause damn she was amazing in the beginning. I miss that dearly. But I’m learning to go straight to the memories of rage and lies and disappearing acts. I’ve never been so degraded or spoken to the way she would over something as little as not reposting a picture of us on my story. She would break up with me once a week, whenever she decided to get drunk, then the next day act like nothing happened.

The next man has no idea what he’s in store for. She’s incredible at hiding it, until you set boundaries or she does something wrong. Watch out.

This is the first time I’ve felt this way since we broke up 3 months ago. I’m praying it sticks. This forum has helped me immensely so thank you to anyone who replied.

[So many questions]

To add

My therapist thinks because she always denied these things, I was able to convince myself that they didn’t happen. That’s how I was able to act like I forgave her and not care. Hearing it from the sources closest companion, made it real. And it made me mad, instead of hurt. It made me feel like living and seeing what’s out there. NC started again Sunday and I don’t see it ending any time soon. She will be back. Watch. I’ll let you know when she tries. Pray for me. I need strength to say no

[So many questions]

I found out my ex was seeing someone new a few days ago. Just a week after we were spending lots of time together and things were getting really good. Intimate and loving. Then boom. Gone. I asked her about it, she denied it and said she needs space.

I’m going through a cycle of anger, relief, heavy depression and anxiety - then the occasional laughter. Her new man is way younger, not very attractive, rich parents and parties every night. His last girl he treated awful, gave her an STI, and money for an abortion and split. So they are both in for a wild ride it sounds like.

I am confused. How do they just move on and fake it? I can’t remotely show interest in anyone. We got into our relationship in the same fashion, she was fresh out a break up. So rebounding is what she does. I was the ultimate rebound relationship.

How did you guys handle this at first? We’re NC. But I gotta stop checking social media. I can’t stop ruminating at times on the image of her love bombing him and the sex and just yeah. Some days I feel liberated. I know she is awful for me. She cheated multiple times, even with her “abusive” ex.  Massive anger issues. Disappearing acts.

 I want to be over it. I do all the stuff people say. Indulge in my passion. Life is great besides the fact she’s gone and it was all a facade. She moved so quick I wonder if she’s just a narc

I know they won’t last and im horrified of her contacting me once that happens. I was her security blanket. Any time she was upset with family or friends during our break up, she’d come calling. So it’s just scary. Im struggling

[NotAHero]

  You are doing the right thing except checking on social media. If you must close your social media account temporarily then do it.  Get out there make friends and if possible go out on dates. As a normal person you probably won’t be interested at first but you might make female friends that will help.

 I’m in the same position by the way. It takes time, I don’t know how long. That depends on the person. The more contact you have and the closer you are the longer it will take. Don’t waste your life.

[judee]

Hi L,

I know it takes a lot to see a situation in its reality and accept that, when you have love goggles on.
You are not weak, just traumatised.
Traumatised by finding out the person you loved is not safe, is not who you thought she was and rejected you multiple times. 
You want to go back to the place before/without the trauma happened.. that is logical. But it is never going to happen because she IS mostly the person that causes you so much suffering.. and will definitely always continue to do so. 
The pain is there because you cared and that is a beautiful thing. But caring just a tad more about yourself and your wellbeing might be the lesson that is in here for you.
Hang in there, you are not alone.

[NotAHero]

The main question is why? Why do I love someone who treated me so terribly and inconsistently for so long? Why can’t I let someone go who could tell me they love me and want to marry and have kids, while hooking up with someone else? Why would I let someone call me all the names in the book and break up time and time again and disappear? Why would I want to get back with someone who made me look like a monster to all her friends and family, even though she herself has hit me?  Why do I hold onto them when theyve never been honest with me?

Why do I look at every person and judge them based on the qualities I love in my ex? Why do I only focus on the amazing qualities and forget the ones that hurt me so very badly. I can’t find interest in anyone. No one gives me the same feeling. No one has her laugh or personality or energy. I sit there disassociated just thinking how much I miss her and her charm. She was incredible when things weren’t bad. The most amazing, loving, fun, exciting person I’ve ever met.  I don’t want anyone else but why? Why am I so weak? Where did I become capable of being mistreated and be okay with it? I had a great childhood.

The next question is for others. How? How did you make it stop. I’ve tried everything. No contact. Submerging myself in my passions. Going out. Loving life. Therapy. CODA. And still, she is the only thing I want or care about. I don’t care how hard it is or was, I actually was fine with it. I was starting to figure out how to deal with it. How is it going to stop when I can’t not think about her when I’m alone, and it only intensifies when I’m surrounded by others?

How do I stop obsessing on what I could’ve done differently? How do I stop wondering what she’s doing? All the typical answers haven’t worked. And yes, it’s my fault for letting her push and pull me back in, but no contact wasn’t working. It was only getting worse.

If you can relate, then my final question was when? When did the comparing stop? When did you finally have the courage to forget about her even if it was for a couple hours?

I’m losing my mind. I’ve had intrusive thoughts. I’ve developed morning PTSD. I spend hours on this forum. My life is amazing. I have everything I’ve ever wanted except one thing. And that one thing is her, and without her, everything else feels meaningless and empty.

I wish I would’ve never met her honestly. But she might be in my life to show me how weak I am. And how little self worth I have. I am aware. But I can’t change it.

 I can assure you, there is NOTHING that you could of done to change her and make her “good”. I mean nothing, no matter how smart you are and how much capacity and tolerance you have.

 I am going through the same thing now. Focus on reality, the person that hurt you is part of her too. True it’s a sickness but the sickness also makes her who she is, it’s part of her, a package deal.