I saw her standing there

[So many questions]

I was at a large event last night with friends having an amazing time, I looked back and about 30 feet through the crowd I saw her standing there. She had her arms crossed and looked really sad, I think she may had seen me already.

Last time this happened months ago, we locked eyes and exchanged smiles. Which later turned into seeing her. I immediately looked away, and never looked back. I was having a great night and didn’t want to ruin it. Her new relationship is going strong, he wasn’t there but I’m still not sure what the interaction would be like.

She was around all her friends so I just avoided it.

But today, I’m regretting it. I should’ve made eye contact with her. I should’ve said hey. And now, I just miss her and am ruminating.

I wondered after if she would reach out after, but she never did. It hurts. She seems to be decent to this new guy.

[NotAHero]

I don’t know how you resisted but good job.

 Regarding being decent to the new guy, you have to remind yourself of what you know about the inner world of the pwBPD.

  When she is at the “chase “ stage she will be decent to him because she blocks all his negative personality aspect. Once she truly cares or close enough she will start the devaluation for the push. This is not something that may or may not happen, it will happen, every time, with  anyone they get close enough to, always.

[drumdog4M]

I too think it is just a matter of time, but hopefully time enough for you to heal and move on to the relationship you deserve.

Nonetheless, I understand the conflicting feelings you felt, the rumination, the wishing she'd reach put. It's challenging.  Please hang in there, my friend.

[getfree]

I wondered after if she would reach out after, but she never did. It hurts. She seems to be decent to this new guy.

I am struggling with this aspect at the moment as well - in all the photos she looks incredibly happy (happier than I ever remember her being with me). I think almost everyone in our situation believes that she's happier with the new guy.

I know others have said it, but two observations that keep me grounded:

1. She was "happy" with me albeit for a very brief amount of time. I was the "best" she was "happy at least", she had "never had anything like this before".

2. The minute she: (a) got me to commit fully, and (b) was emotionally invested in the relationship things began to fall apart pretty quickly until the eventual discard (because I had to stop giving her rides to work).

If it's any consolation I am betting she looked sad/upset because she was sad and upset to see you. I don't know if it's common by my ex-udpwbpd seems to find it hard to let go of exes (any of them) and constantly re-lives her trauma from those relationships.

Within the first month of dating I had had a blow by blow account of all the issues she'd had in any relationship she'd had in her live which she seems to re-live constantly.

If that is true for your ex then I'd say it's very unlikely she's "happy" at any point in the day regardless of whether or not her new guy is around.

-getfree

[brighter future]

Within the first month of dating I had had a blow by blow account of all the issues she'd had in any relationship she'd had in her live which she seems to re-live constantly.



-getfree

I experienced the same with my ex g/f. Within the first 4-6 weeks of our relationship, I got very detailed descriptions of several of her past relationships including the man the she left me for and her ex-husband. She left the ex-husband and went to the guy before me, then discarded him for me. After nearly two years with me, she went back to the other guy (the one after the split from her ex-husband) for a recycle. While she was with me, he was described as the guy who "was just a rebound. My relationship with him meant nothing to me. He was just an old friend from high school." After our split, he became her rescuer and the new man of her dreams.

Like you with your ex, I feel like my ex never let go of any of her previous relationships. It's probably no different with me either. She's contacted me several times in the last two years (we split in April 2020) and has showed up at my home at least 4 times briefly. I didn't pay much attention to her either time, and most times I completely ignored her. I think she's finally gotten the message because I have not heard from her since late October 2021. About a week ago, my new girlfriend and I were out in my yard, and my child was outside with us as well. My ex pulled up in front of her parent's house next door to me. As she was walking up the sidewalk, she looked over at us with a cold, blank stare on her face. It was really bizarre.

Just prior to our split, maybe less than a week, her ex-husband announced his engagement to his present wife. During our relationship, she was always quick to express her disdain for he ex-husband. His new wife was a widow with four children. When she found this out, she became very upset and shut down on me for a couple of days. Later she said she was mad because her ex was remarrying a woman with 4 children. I asked her why this upset her so much. Her reply was, "Because when we were married, I wanted more children, and he refused. He deprived me of the other children that I wanted so desperately." She was angry that he was willing to take on 4 children that weren't his, but wouldn't have more children with her while they were married. I sympathized with her but couldn't figure out why she wanted more children with a man that she spoke so negatively about. A few days later I got the "either we get married or I'm out ultimatum" and she was gone saying that she "wasn't going to date someone forever." I asked her if this had anything to do with the recent developments involving her ex-husband. She flat out denied it.  Being in a relationship with her was like trying to outrun a tornado.  

[getfree]

A few days later I got the "either we get married or I'm out ultimatum" and she was gone saying that she "wasn't going to date someone forever." I asked her if this had anything to do with the recent developments involving her ex-husband. She flat out denied it.  Being in a relationship with her was like trying to outrun a tornado.  

@brighter future your whole post resonates with me but in particular this bit. When I first dated my ex she was completely anti-marriage (made it clear from the beginning), I am not keen to marry so it was a big "plus" for me.

During our last attempt at reconciliation I discovered from her that her first boyfriend (who she still keeps tabs on) has gotten married and is planning to start a family. Now all of a sudden she wants to get "legally married" and when I gently challenged her on the switch she actually said she didn't know why but it was now important. I suspect it was for the same reason you were given an ultimatum.

My own pet theory (based on my ex) is that it is tied up with the fear of abandonment, as follows:

1. They are dreamers so when a new person comes into their life they start dreaming about "outcomes" which are pretty divorced from reality. My ex was telling me about future houses with drives, children's play areas and all sorts of things. Part of it was "future faking" I'm sure but she seemed to be enjoying her own fantasy.

2. That "fantasy" then becomes inherently attached to the partner of the time. The fear of abandonment is increased because if the partner leaves then their fantasy leaves with the person.

3. This connects with the "I need to keep up" factor because it's likely that a lot of their dreams/fantasies are things like getting married, buying houses/cars and having children. So when they see their ex doing these things they are deeply wounded because they relive the abandonment.

For my ex at least, she can pinpoint exactly when I "hurt her so much" which was relatively trivial in real terms but I now understand was a major psychological pivot point for her with regards to me and one that she continues to re-live I am sure with her new partner.

I always wondered whether she would be happy with the new guy, the answer is "probably not" as she will keep re-living her abandonment trauma and no "other" person in the universe can solve that for her - just like your ex.

-getfree

[drumdog4M]

Getfree,

I think what you have written is very insightful. It is consistent with my own experience with my ex-pwBPD. A lot of our issues seemed to relate to her wanting to "build a future" prematurely with me or someone else with whom she thought offered that possibility.

I was clear that I wanted those things but only in the context of a stable relationship, which I did not trust was possible without significant work (if at all). She would become triggered and jealous when she others sharing those external measures of a relationship -- even with her younger sisters, one of whom was having a second child and the other moving in with her boyfriend. I could tell when she began focusing on those things, that the roller coaster ride was about to go downhill at that point.

While I had dreams of the future too (which are so hard to let go), I was usually just trying to make it until tomorrow or next week.

Why do they seem to view the external trappings of a relationship as what is valuable? Like it would mean she wasn't broken? That someone had chosen her in a way that was not easily revocable? That she had checked the marriage box?

[getfree]

While I had dreams of the future too (which are so hard to let go), I was usually just trying to make it until tomorrow or next week.

Why do they seem to view the external trappings of a relationship as what is valuable? Like it would mean she wasn't broken? That someone had chosen her in a way that was not easily revocable? That she had checked the marriage box?

This resonates with me pretty deeply as part of my reconcillation discussions with my ex centered on the future. We hadn't even met up in real life and she was demanding "guarantees" of what would happen if we got back together including a guarantee that I would now marry her and we would push for that to happen very quickly.

A bit like you, I was just trying to see if "anything" would work and it was a massive boundary cross (attempt) to get me to commit to even the prospect of marriage by text message.

For my ex, she has massive cultural pressure to get married because of her age and I am sure her parents are seething at continuing single status but I think more broadly the issue there is that they want a "veil of normalcy" in the easiest and quickest way possible.

They don't like the idea of being left behind, my ex had a whole of things she had "failed" to do which caused her a significant amount of distress. She was also self-aware enough to know that she was often the protagonist in our relationship drama.

My position had always been that she needed to commit to therapy and at least trying to change her behaviour before I would consider it. Eventually she simply gave up and said "I have issues and you won't accept me as I am" - a subtle switch of responsibility from her to me there. But I think her broader point was "I wanted to get married to someone who will caretake me forever". She was acutely aware that I would simply break up with her if her behaviour got out of line and she's not prepared to allow that to happen.

That someone had chosen her in a way that was not easily revocable?

This was a major part of it for my ex, she seemed to believed that getting married was iron clad guaranteed of partnership for life. She understands the concept of divorce but doesn't seem to think it will apply to her. I think what she really means is that if she gets married she is not prepared to tolerate anyone leaving her (no doubt she'll reserve the right to leave herself).

I understand her new partner is extremely religious so it's entirely possible she will get her wish this time but at what cost to their mutual health and wellbeing?

Like you, this part confuses me, the point isn't to be happy with someone you love - the point is to: (a) look normal, (b) keep up with everyone else (especially you exes), (c) and never be abandoned.

A cursory glance around these boards demonstrates that this almost never happens and I have taken that as a sign of how untreated she is.

-getfree

[drumdog4M]

I think you are spot on, my friend -- particularly your points (a) through (c) at the end. Or, maybe they think once they check those external boxes, that their internal void will be filled and that they will be happy.

Many times I tried to explain to her that happiness comes from within, not the from the outside. Someone else cannot make you happy if internally you are not. She seemed to understand that intellectually (she's smart) but could not internalize the concept. So she ran from me to someone making promises of a future life built on quicksand I guess.

I too had made therapy a pre-condition of our moving forward. In our case, couples counseling (she already had been doing individual therapy for many years s well as a year of DBT, not that it "cured" her). After the second session of couples counseling, she triggered herself by recounting the ways she perceived me as having rejected her. She then quit counseling that day, discarded me, and went on a three day vacation with an ex-fiance. Sighs. The couples counselor (who is quite experienced and expensive) was shocked at her behavior even knowing she had BPD. I should have let her go at that point. But I needed a few more rounds before it sunk in I guess.

Thank you for sharing your experience and insights.

[getfree]

Anytime my friend - and yes I think there is also a belief that once they have the spouse, car, house and children they'll be "happy".

I have to assume that once those things come and they still aren't happy the real meltdown begins because there is nothing else external to obtain at that point.

Thank you for sharing - it's really helped me clear a few things in my mind.

-getfree

[So many questions]

It triggered a lot.

It reminded me of everything I am missing out on. The life we built that was just so damm fun to live. We could be having lunch and I just remember how alive I felt. I really thought I met my life companion. She has my heart. She was so fun, so interesting, so smart, so funny. Our love languages matched. Sure things could be bad, but man, they were so special most the time.

I see how ridiculous I could act. And I know a lot of it was a result of her actions. But, being with her is far better than what I’m experiencing.

It’s been 6 months and I’ve hardly made progress. I’m better at hiding it. But we both know everyone in our city. I see mutuals literally everywhere. I’m living in hell.

[DazzleD]

I’m pretty sure I saw my exbpd early today driving through the city. Randomly clocked the reg number as I could see it was the same car model and colour and saw what I think was her looking at my car the same way. It could be my imagination playing tricks on me though who knows! I’ve been feeling funky ever since and tearful too. Damn this trauma bollo@“s is twisting my melon in ways I despise