I’ve dated nothing but disordered people. I feel like I’m disordered.

[So many questions]

I’m afraid I’ll never be the same as I once was. Or maybe I’ve just always been broken.

I’ve dated nothing but disordered people. I feel like I’m disordered.

I’m constantly walking on eggshells even if I don’t have to. I have multiple triggers with new women that spark my anxiety. .

I was hanging out with a girl last night. A very sweet girl that Ive know for awhile. We were at a party with my friends, she was just trying to let me have fun and this older guy talking to her. He was clearly hitting on her. They talked for over an hour. She asked me to go get her a beer and didn’t even say anything when I brought one, just kept talking to this guy. It triggered everything.

My mind immediately went to the worst.
I walked up and said I’m leaving. Then walked out the door. She left, called me a bunch and saw my car at the gas station. She was really taken back. I explained why I was uncomfortable and she started to cry and it just broke me.

Here I am, around a healthy, sweet, caring person. Who was at a party with me, she didn’t know anyone. And I get jealous and act childish and leave. We’re not even dating.

It triggered the same fight or flight feeling my ex did.

I never knew what she was thinking. I never knew if a guy was a friend or monkey branch. I never knew if she was gonna get upset.

I can’t trust anyone. This person gave me real trauma and I’m a long way from being able to be with anyone. I don’t understand how she could go into something else so quickly. It lets me know she’s probably really struggling.

[drumdog4M]

So many questions,

I don't think you were broken or ever were. But you are wounded. Though difficult, maybe the best thing to do is to take some time for yourself to just heal without the pressure of engaging with women with whom there might be a romantic connection just yet.

I can certainly see why you were triggered. I would have been too. FWIW, I'm very easily triggered by even smaller things. You experienced trauma and emotional abuse.

If you are friends with the woman you are referring to last night and she's trying to communicate with you, maybe you could try (if you're ready) being vulnerable a little bit and explaining why you reacted that way. She really might understand, and that could potentially be a step toward healing and building intimacy with her. I don't necessarily mean romantic intimacy, but intimacy nonetheless.

Anyway, you felt and acted on your feelings. You were protecting yourself. You ran away. That was the instinct that failed to protect you in your last relationship. It's demonstrating to you that you need to take care of yourself. In time and with healing, I hope and believe that your and my triggers will be less sensitive, so that we can distinguish true threats to our emotional well-being from what was perhaps just unthinking behavior.

I hope my thoughts are helpful. Take care of yourself.

[So many questions]

Hey Drum,
Good to hear from you.

I’m just trained to that way of thinking. We were able to talk and I was vulnerable and she was really receptive to it and also said she could see how it may have made me feel uncomfortable.

But I saw instant remorse, which I’m not sure to, when she started to tear up, I realized how dumb I was being. I hate being that insecure. I wasn’t always.

Atleast I removed myself from the situation, I guess. I just felt so emotional and didn’t know why. It messed with me and brought back all the emotions from my last ex.

I haven’t hooked up with anyone. I’ve just been meeting new people and trying to enjoy it. But, I feel like I’ve made no progress in my insecurities, reactions, and jealousy.

[NotAHero]

Hey Drum,
Good to hear from you.

I’m just trained to that way of thinking. We were able to talk and I was vulnerable and she was really receptive to it and also said she could see how it may have made me feel uncomfortable.

But I saw instant remorse, which I’m not sure to, when she started to tear up, I realized how dumb I was being. I hate being that insecure. I wasn’t always.

Atleast I removed myself from the situation, I guess. I just felt so emotional and didn’t know why. It messed with me and brought back all the emotions from my last ex.

I haven’t hooked up with anyone. I’ve just been meeting new people and trying to enjoy it. But, I feel like I’ve made no progress in my insecurities, reactions, and jealousy.

Drum dog- excellent response as usual! How are you doing yourself ?

So many questions-  Glad you are venting here buddy. Remember a skilled BPD targets your insecurities the entire relationship and when the time comes- and it always does no matter what you do- to jump to your replacement, blames it all on you.

 That leaves you with an emotional trauma equivalent to an actively bleeding wound. Your insecurities are heightened like never before. Give yourself a break. You are still healing. Again count yourself lucky your ex is not trying to bait you back again. Keep doing what you are doing. Go out with friends, find new ones, move forward every day. You will get better and you will be back to who you are. Give it time, don’t give up. It’s ok to have hiccups. It happens to the strongest of us.

[drumdog4M]

Thanks NotAHero,

I'm hanging in here. I have moments throughout the day where I'm a wreck and just pining for her, but I'm getting a little better navigating them. Now instead of fighting the tears, I just let them flow and try to sit with the emotion. I ruminate most about her being happy with and building a life with my replacement.

I'm trying to spend time more time with friends and reconnect with old ones. I really let my social circle fall apart during my relationship with her and even before that. I work from home so it can be pretty isolating. I used to really enjoy my alone time, but now I often find being home alone very challenging so I joined a dog park / bar. It's called Bark Social. It's nice because I can take my dog there and just watch people with their dogs and feel less alone even though I don't really feel comfortable socializing much. The dogs make a logical ice-breaker to chat with people occasionally though. I'm thankful for my dog.

The latest thing I've been experiencing are nightmares or dreams longing for her, the latter of which might be worse. I don't know if it's a sign of trauma and /or a sign that my subconscious mind is trying to process what I went through.

The dreams I can recall so far involve sex but then being pushed away, rage, and flaunting her new relationship to me. And dreaming that we are just still together. It's daunting what an addiction these relationships seem to create.

How are you doing?

[Turkish]

That was hurtful to you no doubt, feeling servile and dismissed. Yet given your age cohort, was it abnormal even if it definitely triggered you?

And I get jealous and act childish and leave. We’re not even dating.

Aside from her possible rudeness, and your hurt over your ex, do you think this goes deeper, and do you feel ready to date, or even "friend-date?"

[NotAHero]

Thanks NotAHero,

I'm hanging in here. I have moments throughout the day where I'm a wreck and just pining for her, but I'm getting a little better navigating them. Now instead of fighting the tears, I just let them flow and try to sit with the emotion. I ruminate most about her being happy with and building a life with my replacement.

I'm trying to spend time more time with friends and reconnect with old ones. I really let my social circle fall apart during my relationship with her and even before that. I work from home so it can be pretty isolating. I used to really enjoy my alone time, but now I often find being home alone very challenging so I joined a dog park / bar. It's called Bark Social. It's nice because I can take my dog there and just watch people with their dogs and feel less alone even though I don't really feel comfortable socializing much. The dogs make a logical ice-breaker to chat with people occasionally though. I'm thankful for my dog.

The latest thing I've been experiencing are nightmares or dreams longing for her, the latter of which might be worse. I don't know if it's a sign of trauma and /or a sign that my subconscious mind is trying to process what I went through.

The dreams I can recall so far involve sex but then being pushed away, rage, and flaunting her new relationship to me. And dreaming that we are just still together. It's daunting what an addiction these relationships seem to create.

How are you doing?

 I think we have a lot similarities not only in our story but also in the journey of going through the grief. Just keep in mind this is temporary. Nice work on jointing the dog club. Keep trying to find new friends and reconnect to old ones. Good friends will understand and come back even if they were discarded thanks to the toxic R/S. I had to reconnect to my friends after basically disappearing from their lives for 5 years during my R/S.

   As for how I am doing, I do find things to fill my time. I went back to writing, slowly. I had written 2 novels before I met my Kryptonite, stopped writing for 5 years but I just started again.

 Made new friends already, progressing in health and almost every other area in life.

 That being said…I still miss her. I miss my abuser, cheating lying loser ex ….that is something I don’t really understand. It doesn’t help that my ex never really stopped offering intimacy. Just last week she was hugging on me and I went ahead and kissed her and she let me. I know that unless I cut the intimacy advancements off she will keep me at the back burner. My therapist told me to tell her I’m not into her anymore and don’t want any intimacy. Well…I just can’t lie. I do want the intimacy as stupid as the idea sounds. I know the only reason she is keeping that going is that she is struggling to find a replacement of the same caliber ( probably never will and she will have to settle with whatever she finds). I know the final discard is coming and it is in my best interest to cut her off first. I’m trying to undue my loyalty to her and connect with someone else but still struggling. Her messages and intimacy are still priority against my better judgement.

 Though when it comes to the legal and logistic side I have been very firm and never took as step back. I’ll never ever let her move back with me. That is not something I am worried about. I just need to get off the intimacy drug…

[drumdog4M]

"Kryptonite" really is the perfect word the our pwBPD. Or maybe Kryptonite laced with crack. I certainly understand your struggle and inability to cut off the intimacy. 

[So many questions]

NotAHero

Please be careful with your heart man. My ex kept me around for intimacy and emotional support until I was replaced. At the time, I felt like you - that I can heal and eventually move onto to someone else. I was motivated, happy, thought I was doing great when in reality, I was riding the high of getting a fix.

Then, she replaced me.

And what came after was a million times worse than the initial break up. The true devastation finally hit.

So please be careful and really think about what you’re setting yourself up for.

[NotAHero]

NotAHero

Please be careful with your heart man. My ex kept me around for intimacy and emotional support until I was replaced. At the time, I felt like you - that I can heal and eventually move onto to someone else. I was motivated, happy, thought I was doing great when in reality, I was riding the high of getting a fix.

Then, she replaced me.

And what came after was a million times worse than the initial break up. The true devastation finally hit.

So please be careful and really think about what you’re setting yourself up for.

  Thank you for the warning. Consider me you back then in this situation, what specific steps would you tell yourself to take? Any specific responses or actions ?

[So many questions]

NotAHero -

I recycled because I loved her, but deep down, I wanted to know she didn’t actually believe the things she told people about me. It was really satisfying. As was playing the game and getting attention, no matter how big or little. It’s a dangerous game for your heart.

Moving on to someone else before you’ve heard will just set you up for another failed relationship. My ex doesn’t realize that. M

I would tell myself, that she is only doing this to satisfy her needs, not mine. If I’m no longer needed, I will be discarded. I never thought it would happen, but oh my, it did.

I think the no intimacy is good, but if you’re still in contact, it’s inevitable. You will chase that moment. It will feel magical. And that’s again, so dangerous for your progress.

I wasn’t strong enough. Once she replaced me, I just accepted it. But if she was single, I’d be where you are. Waiting for the next booty call.

Is it really over? Do you want it to be? Whether or not, do you think it’s possible to reconcile? Is that your goal?

Your answer lies there. If you truly believe it’s over, you’re setting yourself back and hanging onto the attachment. Which is completely understandable

[NotAHero]

NotAHero -

I recycled because I loved her, but deep down, I wanted to know she didn’t actually believe the things she told people about me. It was really satisfying. As was playing the game and getting attention, no matter how big or little. It’s a dangerous game for your heart.

Moving on to someone else before you’ve heard will just set you up for another failed relationship. My ex doesn’t realize that. M

I would tell myself, that she is only doing this to satisfy her needs, not mine. If I’m no longer needed, I will be discarded. I never thought it would happen, but oh my, it did.

I think the no intimacy is good, but if you’re still in contact, it’s inevitable. You will chase that moment. It will feel magical. And that’s again, so dangerous for your progress.

I wasn’t strong enough. Once she replaced me, I just accepted it. But if she was single, I’d be where you are. Waiting for the next booty call.

Is it really over? Do you want it to be? Whether or not, do you think it’s possible to reconcile? Is that your goal?

Your answer lies there. If you truly believe it’s over, you’re setting yourself back and hanging onto the attachment. Which is completely understandable

 Thank you for the heart filled response.

 In my case, as a couple, it is over 100%. I have no doubt in my mind. I do not want to reconcile with her as a couple. Especially after getting more information here and on other sources that she is not going to change enough to be a partner even if she was to seek the best therapy out there. At least not in the foreseeable future. So no I do not want to waste another 5 years of my life taking care of a mentally ill person who abuses and uses me.

 I have to stay in contact for our son but she always finds ways to open other subjects. I know her primary motive is her own validation and it has nothing to do with me or my worth. I don’t really care what she is telling others about me. In my case even her own family knows. She only has some minion friends fooled whom I don’t care about.

 I will do my best to follow your advice and back off even more. I know that I have to. Thank you again

[So many questions]

I had to come here because I am so close to giving into the urge to reach out.

Tbh, I have tried everything. Therapy, books, meditation, going out, reconnecting with my amazing friend group, dates on dates. I’ve met some really awesome people.

And I have made zero progress. I lie to myself like I am. But, I’m not. I miss her just as badly as 5 months ago. I have done nothing but cry for 3 days.

I almost don’t care anymore. Being with her, even when it was bad, is so much better than this. I can’t shake how I felt about her. I truly wanted to marry this woman. Have kids. Build a life.

I just want to talk to her. Tell her how much I miss her and think of her. I want to see how she’s doing even if it hurts. I miss her every second of the day.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t contact her.

[SinisterComplex]

I had to come here because I am so close to giving into the urge to reach out.

Tbh, I have tried everything. Therapy, books, meditation, going out, reconnecting with my amazing friend group, dates on dates. I’ve met some really awesome people.

And I have made zero progress. I lie to myself like I am. But, I’m not. I miss her just as badly as 5 months ago. I have done nothing but cry for 3 days.

I almost don’t care anymore. Being with her, even when it was bad, is so much better than this. I can’t shake how I felt about her. I truly wanted to marry this woman. Have kids. Build a life.

I just want to talk to her. Tell her how much I miss her and think of her. I want to see how she’s doing even if it hurts. I miss her every second of the day.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t contact her.

LIH No The F   you are NOT! Pull out the baby powder and smack yourself. Look my friend no one can truly stop you from doing anything. But be rest assured if you go the route of reaching out you are just going to make things worse on yourself.

Do you really want to be worse than what you are right now 5 months from now? Because that is what the end result will be.

Yes still share your feelings and hey yes how you feel is valid of course. Hell its even understandable, but in the words of Ice Cube..."Check yourself before you Wreck Yourself!"

You have to do YOU and I will still be here and support you regardless and I'll still be your friend. However, you are better than this. Take control and say NO MORE. Man Up!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[drumdog4M]

Hi So many questions,

I'm here reading your post and feeling for you. I'm sorry you've been so sad. I know how hard it can be and still cry a lot too.

While I defer to the wiser, more experienced resources on the board, maybe it would be helpful if you took take some of the pressure off yourself regarding contacting her. If you feel compelled to contact her, that is your choice. Contacting her might or might not be a good idea, but it is not a failure. None of us will judge you. Please don't judge yourself.

As someone who has reached out to my ex many times before trying very LC, I would ask what you hope to accomplish in communicating with her? And, what if she doesn't react in the way you hope or doesn't respond at all? Will that set back your healing, or will it make you feel that you at least tried?

I personally got some positivity when she and I were in contact, but it rapidly caused me more pain. Because she was telling me that she was "still in love with me", yet couldn't be with me, and was now with someone else who she wasn't even that into (at the time) but needed to be with someone to get over me. I don't even know which parts I trust in what she said, but I can tell you that it made me feel worse. You saw my letter, so you will understand the pain that produced it.

We are all here for you and will support you in whatever decision you make. I'm glad that you are doing things to improve your life and rebuild it, even if you're not yet able to enjoy it. You're nonetheless investing for the day when you can.

[NotAHero]

I had to come here because I am so close to giving into the urge to reach out.

Tbh, I have tried everything. Therapy, books, meditation, going out, reconnecting with my amazing friend group, dates on dates. I’ve met some really awesome people.

And I have made zero progress. I lie to myself like I am. But, I’m not. I miss her just as badly as 5 months ago. I have done nothing but cry for 3 days.

I almost don’t care anymore. Being with her, even when it was bad, is so much better than this. I can’t shake how I felt about her. I truly wanted to marry this woman. Have kids. Build a life.

I just want to talk to her. Tell her how much I miss her and think of her. I want to see how she’s doing even if it hurts. I miss her every second of the day.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t contact her.

 Hey man remember couple days ago you warned me not to cave in and go back to intimacy? I took your advice seriously and resisted. So glad I did because she immediately went back in full discard mode.

 Now you can reach out if you want but please don’t expect anything good coming out of it. Remember they have emotional amnesia and they don’t remember the good times like we do. Once you are painted black you are not likely to relive anything good with them.

 She might ignore you or respond with some none sense or blame. In the unlikely case the replacement chase is not getting her the high she needs she may break some boundaries with you only to discard you worse than before. If you must reach out just keep your expectations realistic.

[nerves]

I came here to post something similar myself but just happened to read your post first.

Don't cave. It's hard and feels impossible but to paraphrase what someone said to me on here: the only thing you will achieve by caving is prolong your suffering.

You got this. We got this.

[LaRonge]

Hang in there man. Stay strong, stay NC. Nothing good will come of it.

[So many questions]

You’re all right and so damn supportive. Thank you. I had a really tough weekend and just yeah. Sometimes, it feels like the only remedy is, her. But that’s isn’t true. The reality is, she’s the drug that put me in this state of mind. She’s the destruction.

I am so addicted. But, this morning I also realize, my attachment style makes me only see the good. And right now, I’m only thinking about her beauty, her smiles, the way we could talk for hours. But those are more surface level experience.

She didn’t respect my heart. She didn’t respect my boundaries, many times.

I didn’t reach out. I don’t want to. My addiction does, my ego does, my stubbornness does.

The result wouldn’t be good. Even if she said what I wanted to hear. It would set me back. She isn’t good for me. She just, isn’t. That’s life.

Thanks guys. Seriously.

[LaRonge]

We've got you, man. We've all been there. Still there sometimes.

I've been doing very good lately, don't think about my ex as much as I did, don't wish to reconcile, resisted her attempt to contact me, feel very optimistic about life and the future... but there are still days, like today, where I still feel like sh!t for no particular reason.

Last night I had a dream of a flood, my childhood home flooding, and piles of clothing everywhere—a total mess. And I found myself in a dark mood this morning, tired, thinking of my ex. I had to scroll through my phone to find a photo for something I'm working on, and passed by a half dozen photos she'd sent me not that long ago. Sometimes, despite all I know now, I still struggle with how f*cked up it all was.

So this morning I found myself here on this site and others I visit, read and re-read these entries, realized I'm not alone, and it helps—a lot. So thanks to all of you. And LIH, always remember you're not the only one going through this, and that IT WILL GET BETTER.

[Kayteelouwho]

Hiya,

I know it feels like you really need to and can't live without her and you want to marry and have children with her that's understandable, when we loose someone we love or deeply care for its very much the same as grief there is stages that make it seem unbearable at times but can get easier with time and starting to heal your self. Take time to heal your self.

It's very much harder with an exbpd realationship because at the start it can mirror everything you would like and also mirror your self.

Sometimes it helps to make sense of your own personality type and the reasons why and also what you have previously tried with in the realationship.

I don't know your story but I can see your hurting so hug it's very difficult but I'm sure alot of us on here have the understanding and consideration you are feeling.

Just remember the bad won't seem so bad because of the hurt, loss, alone feeling, compared to when your in the mist of the situation.

I hope you think about your wellbeing as an overall for whatever you decide just remember all points of the realationship  not just the high and remember sometimes it can get worse without help and also when children are involved.

take care.

[SinisterComplex]

You’re all right and so damn supportive. Thank you. I had a really tough weekend and just yeah. Sometimes, it feels like the only remedy is, her. But that’s isn’t true. The reality is, she’s the drug that put me in this state of mind. She’s the destruction.

I am so addicted. But, this morning I also realize, my attachment style makes me only see the good. And right now, I’m only thinking about her beauty, her smiles, the way we could talk for hours. But those are more surface level experience.

She didn’t respect my heart. She didn’t respect my boundaries, many times.

I didn’t reach out. I don’t want to. My addiction does, my ego does, my stubbornness does.

The result wouldn’t be good. Even if she said what I wanted to hear. It would set me back. She isn’t good for me. She just, isn’t. That’s life.

Thanks guys. Seriously.

LIH...as I say...We're Fam here. We got you...always. Me in particular will always give you a reality check. I may show tough love some times and be a force of nature, but it is never to put you down or hurt you, but rather to empower you and give you that proverbial kick in the $$ when you need it most. That is what you needed here. I will always tell you what you need to hear and not necessarily what you want to hear.

Keep your head up. You are going to win at life and you are going to do better and get through this crap alright. I want you to will it to be so. Can you do that for me? Hell, don't do it for me...do it for yourself bro! You got this!

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-