I stopped looking at her social media

[Depression = 72% of members]

I took a break from posting for a couple weeks. I felt like I was repeating myself and just circling.

I hope everyone is doing okay.

I’m doing better. I can’t say I’m good. But, 2 weeks ago I decided to stop looking at her and my replacements social media. And I can’t believe how much it helps detach. Yesterday, was the best day I’ve had mentally in 5 months. It has passed and I’m feeling pretty sad today, but that’s progress.

I’ve never experienced anything like this. Thoughts of ending it have passed. The cognitive dissonance is still so confusing and waking up/falling asleep is by far the worst moments of every day.

I miss her, a lot. But not nearly as much as I once did. My biggest regret, and the thing I’m struggling most to let go of, is my actions the night we broke up. I didn’t act okay and it eats me up.

I hate myself for not letting her end things that night and just simply saying “okay”. I use to think that I should’ve acted much different the entire time we dated and maybe then it would work, but I’ve realized that isn’t true. But, I’m ashamed in myself for having zero self-worth, and not letting her end it and walk away with my head held high. Instead, I gave her an exit, as the victim, and my reputation and friendships have taken quite the hit.

It’s a battle to deal with. It hit me the other day, she use to say “I’m not use to someone caring what I do, my ex never did.” Their relationship ended in explosive fashion and he was called abusive. I realized he “didn’t care”, and it still ended the same.

There’s nothing I could’ve done to avoid the end, but I could’ve held my emotions intact and walked away with some dignity.

Oh well.

Every day is different. But time does start to work. I look forward to the day I don’t think of her when I see a happy couple or am doing something I love, knowing she’d love it too.

[So many questions]

I took a break from posting for a couple weeks. I felt like I was repeating myself and just circling.

I hope everyone is doing okay.

I’m doing better. I can’t say I’m good. But, 2 weeks ago I decided to stop looking at her and my replacements social media. And I can’t believe how much it helps detach. Yesterday, was the best day I’ve had mentally in 5 months. It has passed and I’m feeling pretty sad today, but that’s progress.

I’ve never experienced anything like this. Thoughts of ending it have passed. The cognitive dissonance is still so confusing and waking up/falling asleep is by far the worst moments of every day.

I miss her, a lot. But not nearly as much as I once did. My biggest regret, and the thing I’m struggling most to let go of, is my actions the night we broke up. I didn’t act okay and it eats me up.

I hate myself for not letting her end things that night and just simply saying “okay”. I use to think that I should’ve acted much different the entire time we dated and maybe then it would work, but I’ve realized that isn’t true. But, I’m ashamed in myself for having zero self-worth, and not letting her end it and walk away with my head held high. Instead, I gave her an exit, as the victim, and my reputation and friendships have taken quite the hit.

It’s a battle to deal with. It hit me the other day, she use to say “I’m not use to someone caring what I do, my ex never did.” Their relationship ended in explosive fashion and he was called abusive. I realized he “didn’t care”, and it still ended the same.

There’s nothing I could’ve done to avoid the end, but I could’ve held my emotions intact and walked away with some dignity.

Oh well.

Every day is different. But time does start to work. I look forward to the day I don’t think of her when I see a happy couple or am doing something I love, knowing she’d love it too.

[nerves]

I'm pleased to read you're doing better; I think there's a lot of positives in your message (especially for me as I feel I have been in a similar place).

I think we should forgive ourselves for 'not acting ok'. We're under immense emotional pressure in those situations and it's hard to retain dignity when you realise what you want most in the world is an impossibility. It won't be how you are remembered anyway.

[NotAHero]

The courage to end it - regardless of the intentions that night- is the biggest favor you have done yourself. You just don’t know it yet.

 Read other stories here. The outcome is always the same. No matter your capabilities,  who you are, what you can do…I know it’s hard to fathom but it’s NOT about YOU. It is and always will be about her. Please do understand that and keep repeating it to yourself. You may have been able to prolong your suffering and make it worse at the end just to get a few more “hits” of the addiction but how is that good? Even those of us who are still open to recycle wish that we didn’t because every recycle is worse. Move on, heal, count yourself lucky that she is steady with the replacement.

[nerves]

The line about "You may have been able to prolong your suffering..." really hits.

[SinisterComplex]

The courage to end it - regardless of the intentions that night- is the biggest favor you have done yourself. You just don’t know it yet.

 Read other stories here. The outcome is always the same. No matter your capabilities,  who you are, what you can do…I know it’s hard to fathom but it’s NOT about YOU. It is and always will be about her. Please do understand that and keep repeating it to yourself. You may have been able to prolong your suffering and make it worse at the end just to get a few more “hits” of the addiction but how is that good? Even those of us who are still open to recycle wish that we didn’t because every recycle is worse. Move on, heal, count yourself lucky that she is steady with the replacement.

"The outcome is always the same. No matter your capabilities,  who you are, what you can do…I know it’s hard to fathom but it’s NOT about YOU. It is and always will be about her." - Almost verbatim of something I have said once upon a time on these boards. There is a reason why this is true...for those curious then follow along the theories of John B. Watson and more specifically B.F. Skinner and Operant Conditioning.

LIH, just letting you know we are still here for you. Post if you need to. Ask questions if you have to. Most importantly, please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[So many questions]

NotAHero - I didn’t end it. My actions the night she broke up with me did. They made it irreversible. Which in reality, still did myself a favor.

I appreciate all of you. I am at a much more accepting place. At first, her moving on so quick was surreal and I looked at too much hurtful stuff. I had to stop. One day you just get tired of hurting.

Now I’m  more so numb. I miss her. I would love to see her and hug her. But anxiety follows with knowing there’s nothing to say. I’m proud of myself for not contacting her for 2 months.

I can’t ruminate on all the fun things the replacement gets to do this summer. I just have to focus on creating amazing memories for myself. Codependency is a hell of a thing to break.

[drumdog4M]

So many questions,

I'm glad to see you back posting again and feeling a little better. I know well that healing is not a linear process.

I have been reading "Psychopath Free" by Jackson MacKenzie. It's certainly not academic, and I'm not comfortable with some of the labels he uses, but he does a good job of explaining in lay terms how the behaviors of partners with Cluster B personality disorders often drag us down to a similar level and make us behave in ways that are beneath our own dignity. Essentially, we find ourselves in impossible situations and our own poor behavior is anomalous but understandable given the context we find ourselves in.

I hope you can forgive yourself for not acting the way you wish you had. We all have had those moments. I have many. But I'm trying to accept that "if only" I had acted with grace in one situation, there likely would have been another, and another. I regret that when she punched me I called her "an alcoholic C-word." I am ashamed of that, but I remind myself that I was struggling for the survival of my ego and desperately trying to penetrate her drunken and abusive state to jolt her into reality. Now, I wish I'd just dropped her off and said goodbye without another word. So many regrets.

But you did all you could in an awful situation. And I believe that if the relationship were as unstable as it seems it was, at some point it would have imploded.

We are fortunate to have the capacity to empathize and forgive, perhaps too much. Let us try to forgive ourselves for being imperfect. For loving too hard. For thinking we could save a disordered person with our attention and affection. For behaving inconsistent with our values when pushed beyond our breaking point. We are only human. And like your username, "love is hard." Love with a pwBPD might be nearly impossible.

I hope you'll keep posting as long as it helps you. I always benefit from your words and experiences. Take care.

[finallyout]

I am very glad to see you post again.

I don't know if I am eligible to offer support, as I am myself still badly struggling to survive. But I can totally feel your pain and your struggle with regret. I also regret a lot of things I did in the relationship. I had loose boundaries and I brought her to my world and let her control me. But the past is the past and when we are in the storm, it becomes very difficult to think clearly. Most of our behavior when under immense stress and pressure is reactive. That is basically our biology, and it takes a lot of mind training to be able to handle such situations "logically". I think the people who could stay quiet and logical, in the midst of the BPD drama, are those who could already detach themselves from the disordered persons. This kind of behavior can't be expected from those of us who are still enmeshed and dependent emotionally on the relationship. And as others said, whatever you did or did not, the relationship would fall apart, because this is the nature of such relationships.

What I learned and still learning till this moment, is that the detachment process is about you and what you do. It has nothing to do with her. Not looking at her social media and going no contact are examples of what we could do to detach. I can see that very clearly now because after each interaction with her, I felt always bad. She still plays those hurtful mind games with me, she still tries to manipulate me to lure me back in the relationship. And this does not help at all in the healing process. Now after just a few days of no contact, I am already feeling better.

I am very happy for you that you are now several steps ahead in the healing process, and am very sure that one day you will be able to detach and move on with your life. 

[finallyout]

The courage to end it - regardless of the intentions that night- is the biggest favor you have done yourself. You just don’t know it yet.

 Read other stories here. The outcome is always the same. No matter your capabilities,  who you are, what you can do…I know it’s hard to fathom but it’s NOT about YOU. It is and always will be about her. 

Very well said NotAHero!

[Skip]

I’m doing better. I can’t say I’m good. But, 2 weeks ago I decided to stop looking at her and my replacements social media. And I can’t believe how much it helps detach. Yesterday, was the best day I’ve had mentally in 5 months.

Good move. It's a critical step forward when we extricate ourselves from the day to day emotion of our breakup trauma. It is also critical step toward gaining perspective on the ourselves, our partner, and the relationship. Getting perspective in the early stages is hard.

There’s nothing I could’ve done to avoid the end, but I could’ve held my emotions intact and walked away with some dignity.

Most of our romantic relationships in life fail.

Failing is a big part of the biological process to learning how to find and nurture an enduring meaningful relationship. The lessons you can learn from this and the skills you can develop will far outweigh the loss of dignity.

Contrary to what we all tend to think early on... it's not about her... it's not about the relationship... it's about your future. That may not be comforting right now and you don't need to dive head first into it right now... but put a pin in on this idea and keep it in mind as you move forward.

One of beloved administrators died a few years back and one gift he left us was this song. It's a simple perspective that we often miss.

Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end... the way it all would go

Date: 1995 (age 26)Minutes: 3:27 Cover of  The Dance" by Garth Brooks

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347127.0

[So many questions]

I appreciate all of you so much.

Finallyout - I’m sorry you’re struggling, I have been there and most days it does just feel like surviving. You gave me a lot of comfort because it is true, I was dealing with so much stuff emotionally and mentally, it would be impossible for me to have used logic. I thought I was figuring it out, had no clue of cluster B’s, but I started not taking the outbursts personal. That triggered more of them. But I really was just suppressing the pain and hurt, and it built up over time.

If anything, it’s a lesson for me on how to handle certain situations better. My codependency makes me act sporadic and sometimes just crazy, when someone breaks up with me. But only when the relationship has been toxic. I have a terrible habit of entering relationships with damaged, most times disordered people. Something else I need to work on. They’re just so damn interesting.

- Drum, our stories are so similar, I hope you’re doing okay. When I found out about cheating early on in our relationship, I said something absolutely terrible things. I regretted it so deeply, and she always held it over my head when she was raging. I showed I could be just as ugly. But, that  was the day I stopped reacting. My reactions were negating what I was actually trying to say. I had found out about cheating but was apologizing for what I said . Damn she was good. I became much calmer, and that’s when she’d start breaking up with me during fights, it’s like she had to take it a step further.

And that’s how we differ, I felt awful about what I said and made changed to stop it and continually apologized. She, just turned it up after getting exposed.



- I miss her sometimes. Especially in the morning. I miss her little smile and gaze of love, then holding her and just chatting about life. Amazing times. But I quickly remind myself those mornings could happen right after a night where she went nuts, broke up, disappeared, then acted like nothing happened. It was insane. And made me crazy

 

[NotAHero]

I appreciate all of you so much.

Finallyout - I’m sorry you’re struggling, I have been there and most days it does just feel like surviving. You gave me a lot of comfort because it is true, I was dealing with so much stuff emotionally and mentally, it would be impossible for me to have used logic. I thought I was figuring it out, had no clue of cluster B’s, but I started not taking the outbursts personal. That triggered more of them. But I really was just suppressing the pain and hurt, and it built up over time.

If anything, it’s a lesson for me on how to handle certain situations better. My codependency makes me act sporadic and sometimes just crazy, when someone breaks up with me. But only when the relationship has been toxic. I have a terrible habit of entering relationships with damaged, most times disordered people. Something else I need to work on. They’re just so damn interesting.

- Drum, our stories are so similar, I hope you’re doing okay. When I found out about cheating early on in our relationship, I said something absolutely terrible things. I regretted it so deeply, and she always held it over my head when she was raging. I showed I could be just as ugly. But, that  was the day I stopped reacting. My reactions were negating what I was actually trying to say. I had found out about cheating but was apologizing for what I said . Damn she was good. I became much calmer, and that’s when she’d start breaking up with me during fights, it’s like she had to take it a step further.

And that’s how we differ, I felt awful about what I said and made changed to stop it and continually apologized. She, just turned it up after getting exposed.



- I miss her sometimes. Especially in the morning. I miss her little smile and gaze of love, then holding her and just chatting about life. Amazing times. But I quickly remind myself those mornings could happen right after a night where she went nuts, broke up, disappeared, then acted like nothing happened. It was insane. And made me crazy

  

 Always remember you have the chance to heal yourself and actually be happy one day. For her, that is very unlikely. Replacements will provide some temporary drug like chemicals but the cycle will repeat for them.  Keep working on enjoying your life again. Use the new found freedom to do the things you always wanted.  If it helps forget about intimacy for now, it’s true it can make us instantly happy but being stable and happy alone is the true foundation for happiness. It’s exactly like drugs, yeah you can take a hit and be happy but you know where that road takes you. Doing it right is harder but it is the right way. Remember many here share your journey.

[finallyout]

- I miss her sometimes. Especially in the morning. I miss her little smile and gaze of love, then holding her and just chatting about life. Amazing times. But I quickly remind myself those mornings could happen right after a night where she went nuts, broke up, disappeared, then acted like nothing happened. It was insane. And made me crazy

I know my friend, I know