I keep having the same dream

[So many questions]

The last 5 days I keep having the same dream each under different circumstances. It’s bizarre. Even if I wake up and go back to sleep, it continues.

It’s usually me at a party at my ex’s parents house. My parents are there too. They never met in real life. Everyone seems so normal and happy to be together. Yet my ex, is nowhere to be found.

I speak to her parents about our break up and apologize for my mistakes and they accept it and comfort me.

Somehow I end up falling asleep in her bed and am suppose to wake up before a certain time. But my ex shows up and pulls back the covers and wonders what I’m doing there.

Sometimes we make up. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes she’s with another guy.

But I always leave in tears. Much like our relationship.

It’s maddening. Does anyone else have these?

Any dream experts out there?

We haven’t been in contact in 3 weeks.

[drumdog4M]

So many questions,

I haven't had a dream like that, but I do have dreams about her occasionally. Usually they begin in a positive way but end with me being abandoned and replaced. I guess I'm processing the trauma in my dreams.

Interesting that you mentioned apologizing to her parents, I have been thinking about doing that because I do feel shame and regret related to the circumstances of our breakup and hurting their daughter. They are good people and have worked hard to keep her alive and functioning since she hit puberty and her BPD traits manifested themselves. 10 suicide attempts, severe eating disorders, inability to stick with school and jobs, running away from home, etc.

Incidentally, she has improved a lot relative to her very dysregulated teens and 20s -- she completed college and her masters degree, and is now a teacher for special needs children. It's interesting how nurturing she can be toward children and animals. I think because they do not threaten her ego or make her feel vulnerable. They are more vulnerable and in need than she, and she's really amazing in that context.

Back to my earlier thought, do you or others think contacting her parents will do more good than harm? I also am tempted to express my concern about her self-medication lately. I'm not sure they're aware. I don't want to violate a boundary, but it really does concern me. She already has a DUI, and I know she has driven drunk on at least two occasions in the past 3 weeks. That being said, she and her therapist are reportedly "addressing it."

[Carguy]

I had dreams in the past about mine as well. I actually listen to a therapist that does a show on YouTube every Sunday and you can ask questions and she answers them on the show or in a later broadcast during the week just for questions. Her show specializes in cluster b disordered people. She mainly talks about NPD but hits on BPD a lot and I've learned a lot from her.

I think in one of her shows she talked about having dreams of the ex. She explained that we become addicted just like someone becomes addicted to drugs and because of withdrawals we have dreams similar to how someone has drug dreams. It was rather interesting.

[So many questions]

Yeah I’m not sure what it all means but it’s very weird.

I loved her parents so much. They are great people. How we broke up I take blame for.. but what she told them painted me in a much worse light than what actually happened.  But the reality is, I was trying to stop her from making and impulsive decision, then driving off black out drunk during a psychological break down.

So maybe it’s just my subconscious yearning for the conversation. When we first broke up she asked how we could ever be together again.

I told her I was already in therapy, taking conflict resolution courses, and would be willing to sit down with her family and apologize, while accepting any criticism or feelings they had. I told them I wanted them to keep us accountable and involved in the process of rehabilitation.

I don’t think you should contact them. Unless you’re in good standings and just want to apologize. I don’t think telling them about her actions will do any good for either of you.  For me, if I ever get the chance to tell them what I want to say, it will come naturally.

I know you care about her. I know exactly how you feel. But she is not your responsibility. Her DUI’s are not. That is her choice. And if she continues to do that, she will suffer the consequences.

[CelineA]

That’s so true. I spent most my time when we were in our relationship trying to figure out what I needed to do to please her or why we could not seem to find a consistent stretch of good days. It was all I would think about. I was chasing that next positive moment. Like a mistreated dog and his owner. I was a lab.

I had such bad anxiety constantly that I would upset her.

I feel sorry for your experiences, I send you all good energy and strength. I connect so much to your words Loveiard, is as if you experienced my relationship. I have shame of the way I let him treat me this way. And the anxiety! then feeling guilty about that too. I find it so challenging to accept myself but at the same time I was in love, with poor boundaries and difficulty expressing my emotions. It's a moment to lick the wounds and see that everyday we don't spend with them is a day of mental peace.