Hi Zenful,
Will things ever change? In my experience no.
It's probably a combination of genetic and environmental factors. It's a rare therapist and patient who can resolve the PD with skills and tools, so my advice is to not let her groom you into believing it is your job to help her.
My pwBPD is my mother. She groomed me to be her emotional caretaker. After my dad died, she eventually saw a counsellor once. She said it was the worst experience of her life (interestingly enough every perceived negative experience is the "worst"). Something blew up in that meeting. She came away from it pressuring me by telling me that the counsellor had told her she didn't need a counsellor because she had a daughter who could help her better.
That was 20 years ago before I heard of BPD, but I still knew it was BS. I had to listen to her say that many times. I just kept ignoring it and changing the subject.
I call these "baits". They bait us all the time, to draw us into their drama. If you ever take the bait, she will "reel you in" to the drama, which usually involves being her emotional caretaker.
Once this becomes a pattern, it is harder to pull away because the pwBPD pushes back so hard and says mean and hurtful things which most of us seem quite afraid of hearing, and will do almost anything to avoid. Does any of this ring true?
Today my mom is 86. I am 60. Her BPD behaviors worsened with age, instead of improving. I found this site almost 3 years ago. At the top of the PSI (Parent Sibling In-Law) board are some links. Look for a link that says "How to Get the Most out of this Site" (if you haven't already found it). Based on what you have shared so far, I would recommend starting with the following (if you haven't already):
- Emotional Blackmail: FOG (fear obligation guilt)
- SET (support, empathy, truth)
- don't JADE (
don't justify, argue, defend, or explain)
- Setting Boundaries (the boundaries are to protect you, and are not for her)
- don't be invalidating
Everything there is worth reading, but one has to start somewhere. These are the tools that we can use to understand the disease, and protect ourselves from the craziness. These tools work.
There are times, when she seems like "normal". It's like a good period. But then there are the times, when everything with her is impossible.
This is typical. The non-normal times are when the disease is active. It is a disease that impairs their ability to regulate their emotions. I tend to think of the "normal" times as when the disease is in "remission". But it's still underlying, and any perceived slight can trigger it again (you gave an example).
When it's triggered, that's the time to use your "tools" (SET, don't JADE, don't invalidate, set boundaries).
So when she starts her monologue at midnight about her "bad" friend, you could reply with something like "hey sis, it sounds like ____ (name) has really upset you. [Support] That would feel really awful. [Empathy] Can we talk about this in the morning when we are fresher? I am too tired right now at midnight. [Truth]" This is just an example. There are any number of things you can say to fit your situation.
What
we have to learn is we can't solve their problems for them. The best approach I have found it to "ask validating questions" (look for this in the above links) and thus steer them to solving their own problems.
I have tried to get her to talk to reach for help from mental health professionals, but every time she just gets angry, because "why can't she talk to me, other people talk to their friends etc. too". But it doesn't work both ways. When I'm trying to open up about something, I get interrupted repeatedly and she tries to hijack the whole conversation, making everything about her.
Yes. So in my experience, pwBPD are quite narcissistic (especially in an emotional dysregulation). My mother once famously told H and I that she didn't want to hear about our "work". Sometimes we would share stories about our career with her (a piece of ourselves) but she didn't want to hear about it. It was decades later when we finally figured out that she didn't want to hear about it because it wasn't about her. We mistakenly thought maybe we were sharing too many stories (we weren't). pwBPD have a way of gaslighting us to make us feel like it's our fault.
And that friends (and me) are supposed to be her free, endless emotional support. And doesn't want to understand, that relationships don't work like that, and that she's exploiting people when she does that. And no, I have not said these things to her like this, I have been as gentle as anyone can be, to not make her angry. I'm afraid what she might do.
Has she ever threatened suicide?
Have you heard about or read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? I highly recommend this book. It's an easy read, and one that as family members, we all connect with. I couldn't believe when I was reading it, how true it rang.
