New to the community - 40 yr old sister with BPD

[Daisy Green]

I am new to this site.  I am an adult sister of someone suffering with BPD and possibly NPD and/or bipolar.  It has been a long journey and only in the last few years have I realized what her situation likely is.  It has placed terrible strain on our parents, and has caused conflict between me and my mother, who denies my sister's condition.  I am hopeful that this community might be validating and provide a clearer path forward in tandem with seeing my therapist and reading books, going to yoga, etc.  Thanks for being here !

[Turkish]

Hi Daisy Green,



Your story is not uncommon, and I hope that other siblings chime on for support.

How do you think your parents may be enabling your sister, or are on denial?

[khibomsis]

  Daisy Green, and welcome to the family! Life is tough with a BPD relative but glad you are here, this site has provided sanity for me over many years.
You are off to a good start with your books, yoga and therapy. I guess what I would like to hear more about is  your own relationship with your mother? Do you feel you can talk freely about your concerns about your sister? Or does it get enmeshed with you and your mother's relationship?

[Daisy Green]

Thank you so much for your replies here!  

My sister and I grew up very close in a working-class, immigrant, close-knit family. I am 4 years older than her and as we entered teenage-hood I noticed that she was "checking out" and "going numb." It scared me. My mother was severely depressed at the time as was her mother and her siblings.  I walked on eggshells around my mother: everything made her cry; she had zero self-esteem and was extremely overprotective of me even as I became an adult. She hated me for trying to get help and said I betrayed her for talking to neighbors about her depression. My father was an enabler until it all became too heavy for him and he left.  I was 20, my sis was 16when they divorced.  Sis went to live with Dad, I went off to college, and Dad put us both in counseling.  For a while everyone did better.  Mom got on meds, both parents re-married and I slowly re-built a relationship with my mother.

After a few short years, each of my family members ceased therapy, and mom went off meds. I was the only one to continue therapy (I have continued to see counselors regularly for almost 30 years, and have also taken workshops, done yoga, received reiki, sought out healthy mentors, read books on self-help, etc…)


During my late 20s and early 30s my mother and sis and I healed (or so I thought) and we had wonderful times together: sports, cultural events, sacred times, etc.  I also healed things with my father, and we too began to enjoy deeper trust.  When I moved abroad for graduate school, I missed all of them terribly. 

I spent 5 years in a different country and grew so much.  I got my doctorate degree, found my calling, met wonderful friends, saw the world in a more hopeful light than I ever had. It was exciting and also challenging. I fell in love with a man whom I now believe had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, though it took me several years to realize it. When I realized he would never commit, I made the difficult decision to move back to my home country.  was 39, wanted a husband, was hoping to have a baby and knew my time in the dating scene was limited as far as fertility.
My mother was having a life-threatening disease and my sister was pressuring me to return. So I left my job, the man with NPD, the calling and moved home.

The shock of what I returned to, and the heartbreak of what I left behind still makes me reel a bit.

Unbeknownst to me, during the 5 years I was away, my mother's new husband turned out to be an emotionally abusive narcissist and my mother nearly left several times.  In addition, my sister's anxiety and mood swings worsened.  She had a string of trecherous romances, broken friendships and lost jobs. 

For two years my sis and I ran a property together.  It was a disaster.  I was unprepared and still oblivious to the fact that SIB was suffering from a serious mental health issue. I thought she was just moody and that I was somehow doing everything wrong.  I did not yet know about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Simultaneously, my mother made it through her cancer but was again on the verge of divorce and needed me to help her think through her finances (she is poor) and brainstorm what she should do.  She refused to see a counselor and made me swear I wouldn't tell my sister about her marital troubles.  My mother is a sweet, caring, sensitive soul and I did not feel at the time that I could deny her my moral support. So I listened to Mom’s troubles until she and her husband worked it out, but the stress depleted me.




I finally cut off ties to my sister’s property during pandemic.  My father and I spent the winter of 2021 watching my sister for signs of suicide as her depression was so deep.  In summer of 2021, my sister suddenly turned a corner, entered a cycle of being “up” & became very involved in a new career that takes her to big cities for high profile modeling.  Her roller coaster of highs and lows continued to increase in speed.  At home she demands a strict diet and claims she can't do most things due to a bum ankle, Yet when she's on dates or a modeling shoot, she parties, eats junk food, goes dancing.

During this time, a mutual buddy of hers and mine began courting me.  His kindness and patience and level-headed nature were such a welcome presence in my life.  I knew, however, that my sister would not approve, because when we all first me  he had briefly shown interest in her.  She declined him and spoke poorly of him to others, but he and I became friends and he asked me to be his girl.

Despite the fact that my sister was already dating two different men from the same modeling agency when my boyfriend asked me out, my sister did everything she could to sabotage us.  She texted me messages with “red flags” to watch for, warned me about his ex-wife, told me he’d “nearly kissed her” just before he began courting me. She asked not to hear of him or see pictures of us for an indefinite amount of time.  Her behaviors punctured my sense of excitement and nearly ruined my first Christmas with him. My mother prohibited me from posting photos of him on Facebook and told me I was not allowed to invite him to family dinners lest it stir up my sister.  Instead, my mother hosted a separate evening of holiday fun for just me and my boyfriend.  I appreciated this effort, but it hurt me that Mom wouldn’t stand up to my sister and wouldn’t allow me to stand up either.  When I finally explained all this to my beau he was so supportive.  He said he had recognized my sister as being bipolar with BPD & NPD several years back and had lost interest in her way back then.

It is now almost a year into my romantic relationship with him and my sister only recently came around and said she was fine with seeing photos of us.  It made me so angry that she just waltzed in and suddenly decided she could flip a switch! She constantly group texts me & my parents barrages of her tours in big cities and I think she just wants to be able to talk about her life.

In the meantime, I have tried this entire time to convince my mother that my sister has a disorder.  My mother has gotten so angry at me!  It has nearly destroyed our relationship.
 One day she got drunk and told me I’m still to blame for things that happened when Dad left her.  Another day she told me that “Everyone has their perspective,” meaning that my sister’s point of view is valid too.  I begged my mother to just give me TIME to forgive my sister instead of forcing me to see how “wonderful” my sister is, but she just got angry.  I've stopped trying to convince her, but it feels terrible to me that my mother thinks I am an awful person.  It also hurts that my outings with her have been so frought this last year, yet when she & my sister hang out they report having so much fun. I think it's because my mother placates my sister, whereas I show visible frustration at my sister's unpredictability and moods.

I am crushed realizing that after all these years of adoring my mother & sister, and all our fun, sacred times together, that I cannot truly trust them.  They are my oldest friends, my deepest bonds, my most sacred relationships.

I am also torn realizing that if I settle long-term near where they live that their issues will always taint my life with my boyfriend.  I miss my life abroad.

I do see a therapist twice a month, and my father is clear-headed and supportive. He sees the troubles from afar and his sense of rationality helps me. I have wonderful lifelong friends, a good career and vibrant hobbies, a sweet pet.


But I am struggling to remove myself from such an enmeshed life with mom & sis, our mutual friends, our old traditions. I want to forgive them, to let love overcome my anger... but I'm scared to trust them again. I have felt so depressed lately, like my life is ending. 

Any advice or perspective would be welcome.
Blessings to you.

[Turkish]

No one has the right to give you permission to live your life normally as an independent entity/person.

Nothing you've described is on your part manipulative, vengeful, controlling, or passive-aggressive. It's sad that your sister and maybe your mother think otherwise.

[khibomsis]

What he said, Daisy Green. Turkish hit the nail on the head. You are allowing your mom and your sister to affect your decisions about who you are, whom you date and where you live. If you love your hometown and this man, your friends and your dad, focus on what gives you joy. You only live once. Don't waste it.
It sounds to me that you were the caretaker in the family, would you say that rings true?
 

[zachira]

A lot of your story resonates with me. With age, especially when personality disorders are involved, it does seem that mental illness becomes worse with our disordered family members and we become overwhelmed with how much help they need. It does seem likely that the more closely you are involved with your disordered family members, the more you will be negatively affected. Learning to set boundaries with my disordered family members, so I don't take on their dysregulated emotions has been the number one boundary for me. My therapist gave me the best advice ever when she advised me to focus on how I was feeling inside when in the presence of a disordered person. You are not alone in realizing there are lots of challenges, frustration, and heartbreak ahead in figuring out what is best for your emotional and physical health in deciding how to set healthier boundaries with your disordered family members. It can help to remember that what are healthy boundaries for your wellbeing are also healthy boundaries for the wellbeing of your family members. Keep us posted on how you are doing. There are many people on this site, with similar challenges with disordered family members similar to yours. Let us know how we can be the most helpful, and also what is not so helpful.

[Riv3rW0lf]

But I am struggling to remove myself from such an enmeshed life with mom & sis, our mutual friends, our old traditions. I want to forgive them, to let love overcome my anger... but I'm scared to trust them again.

Hi Daisy Green and welcome to the board.

I was touched by your story, and how you care for your family members and I commend you for wishing to forgive them, to let love overcome your anger. Unfortunately, and from my experience, the closer we are with a disordered person, the harder this becomes as we accumulate trauma after trauma, crisis after criss.

Recognizing you find it hard to trust them is the first step. And validating yourself... The only way toward feeling love again, is to love ourselves first, protect ourselves and find back our capacity for self-compassion, something that disordered people seem to, too often, manage to steal from us.

I get how difficult it is to disengage ourselves, it really is... But I want to echo what others have said : you found someone you love and who loves you, you have a father who cares for you and can keep a level head : you still have a loving family to focus on, and people supporting you, and only one life to live... So live it for yourself and for those that are truthfully good for you. That's my take on it anyway.

Disordered people have a way to rip us from our self-protection... Anger is protection, and it is there for a reason. My therapist encouraged me to validate my anger, and not rush toward love... First, I needed to love myself.

It is a process, one that has to be lived on hour at a time. And we will be here to support you through it.

And I am sorry your mother is acting as a flying monkey for your sister, tolerating the abuse, and even seemingly participating in it herself... It is a double blow, to be sure... Maybe a boundary to not discuss your sister with your mother would help?

[Daisy Green]

Dear kind souls:
Thank you.  A deep, deep bow of gratitude.  I've been so nervous posting on here, but I can see that the validation is healing.  Your words were so helpful to me.

Yes-- I've been attempting to set a boundary with mum that she & I don't discuss the BPD sis. This is tough: Mum isn't used to it and wants things to be the way they used to me.  We were always her "blond bandits" ... bonding at volleyball tournaments, baking Swedish treats, etc.  She misses the closeness... Meanwhile, BPD sis has no clue anything is even wrong.

We have a weekend coming up to play sand volleyball at casual tournament.  I'm nervous: it's our first time together in a year aside from Christmas Eve.  What should I do if sis asks about boyfriend?  Should I just keep it short & sweet?  Should I show my joy and share a few pics as we catch up?  Should I change the subject?  We'll be together all weekend and up until this year such weekends were awesome and deep.  We always bonded, talked about our lives, shared about our dating etc.  I'm certain she'll ask about my boyfriend, & she seems to be expressing genuine well wishing.  But I fear I'll freeze up when she asks.

Thank you. I'm so very grateful for your advice and experience.

[livednlearned]

Daisy Green, welcome and hello 

Congratulations on your new relationship and finding someone who treats you well.

I find with my family (uBPD sibling), the best I can hope for is one foot in, one foot out.

Having both feet in wasn't safe and made me miserable. Being completely out was quiet, safe and peaceful but the absence made me feel stuck in a different way.

I'll always be an outsider because I insist on boundaries. It's something a therapist once described as "good sad." I suppose it's preferable to misery, and allows me to grieve the fantasy of being from and/or having a healthy family.

My husband and I both have BPD siblings. We both married partners with BPD. When we blended our families and temporarily had our young adult kids living with us, it became clear that his daughter (my stepdaughter, 25) had BPD.

He can say that his ex wife and sister and mother have BPD but with SD25, that door is shut.

SD25's own psychiatrist suggested it after SD25 reported chronic suicidal ideation. I have suggested it. We briefly saw my therapist with a child psychologist (over blended family issues with SD25). They hinted at it too.

H can accept that the traits are there. He can agree that the symptoms are the same, the behaviors are the same, the family history is there.

But accept and admit she has BPD? No.

We no longer discuss SD25 other than niceties.

Same with my BPD sibling. I will not go there with my parents. The challenging thing in both families is that the less I ask, the more they want to talk.

As you develop new boundaries with your mum, are you feeling intense discomfort? My family used to use me as an outlet for uncomfortable feelings they wanted to sort of both repress and at the same time process, usually by baiting me. When I understood that and began to make changes, there was an awkward adjustment period where they seemed to be at a loss. They would get angry or righteous.

It took people a while to accept me as a one-foot-in family member, and I suppose I'm still in the process of getting used to this myself.

It's wonderful that your new partner validates what you're seeing. Despite understanding BPD dynamics in my family, I often feel I lose my way the closer I am to those dynamics, especially around my BPD sibling. Around him, I enter the upside-down 

[Riv3rW0lf]

What should I do if sis asks about boyfriend?  Should I just keep it short & sweet?  Should I show my joy and share a few pics as we catch up?  Should I change the subject?  

The thing with those questions is that, for me anyway, I don't know the family dynamics like you do, and in the end, you need to figure out what works for you and for your family. I can only talk from my experience here... To maybe give you some paths, help your reflection.

With my brother (might be BPD, but still on the fence about it... He is bipolar though, and a drug addict, so not an easy relationship to manage), there is a lot of covert competition. I can sense it... Who has the best relationship? Who fight less? Who have the bigger house? I personally do not feel like I need to outdo him, or be better, I simply go on with my life. But I can sense his constant need to compare and I find it exhausting. He is never genuinely happy for me, there is always a sour side to it. So, I don't discuss anything too personal with him. I don't discuss my relationship, I don't discuss my projects, my finances. Those are all out of bounds.

With my mother... I did discuss my relationship, my fear, my happiness... then I realized that when I was at my lowest, she would use my confidence against me to hurt me even more and push me to the bottom. So while we are currently no contact, going back to a relationship with her would also be done with some serious boundaries of: I don't discuss anything emotional with her and keep it to a high level... Like I would do small talk with a neighbor, for example...

It is hard for us to trust our guts... I think in all cases, no matter what you decide (discussing it or not, and how to), it should be done because you want to, and not in an effort to buy peace, or because you are scared of her reaction... Personally, I tried to buy peace often with my BPD mother and it never works. And acting out of fear? Well... Then I just lose myself and it is not worth it, in the end.

[Mommydoc]

Welcome to this board DaisyGreen! I am so happy you are finding support and validation here. I learn so much from others experiences and how they manage them. I appreciate your  thoughtful story and can tell you love your family and yet are not feeling safe. I am so happy you have found a supportive partner who sees your sister and validates you. He is a keeper!

Though our details are different, there are lots of similarities in our circumstances. My uBPD sister is also 3 years younger and we were very close growing up. My parents were in complete denial of my sister’s behavior and always encouraged me to “Be the stronger/mature one, and to take care of her”.  They desperately wanted us to be close again and it was very difficult to forge a healthy path, given their desire for me “to fix things”.

  I have tried this entire time to convince my mother that my sister has a disorder.  My mother has gotten so angry at me!  It has nearly destroyed our relationship. One day she got drunk and told me I’m still to blame for things that happened when Dad left her.  Another day she told me that “Everyone has their perspective,” meaning that my sister’s point of view is valid too.  I begged my mother to just give me TIME to forgive my sister instead of forcing me to see how “wonderful” my sister is, but she just got angry.  I've stopped trying to convince her, but it feels terrible to me that my mother thinks I am an awful person.  It also hurts that my outings with her have been so frought this last year, yet when she & my sister hang out they report having so much fun. I think it's because my mother placates my sister, whereas I show visible frustration at my sister's unpredictability and moods.I am crushed realizing that after all these years of adoring my mother & sister, and all our fun, sacred times together, that I cannot truly trust them.  They are my oldest friends, my deepest bonds, my most sacred relationships.

The part of your story where your mom organized a special celebration with you and your boyfriend suggests that your mother recognizes your sisters behavior. Like my parents, it sounds like she loves both of you unconditionally, but she is denial about or doesn’t really understand your sisters BPD or how to effectively deal with it. Her coping mechanism is to placate your sister, rather than acknowledge it with you. I don’t think she thinks you are awful.

As my sisters BPD got worse and worse, there was a long period of time where my parents denial was very invalidating to me. It sounds like what you might be feeling now. Over time, and many conversations, I came to realize that my parents denial came from a place of guilt and shame. They had the same difficulties with her as I did, but they weren’t equipped with the level of awareness, to appropriately cope with it. They blamed themselves for how she is. At a certain point, with each of them separately, they became more open with me, and eventually  acknowledged and validated me. That’s my story, and yours may be different.

I want to fully validate your feelings. Your mothers comment

Everyone has their own perspective

sounds like my parents, when they were rationalizing my sisters behavior. Parents may have more difficulty accepting and acknowledging BPD in their child and it can be very invalidating to be the non disordered siblings. Your mother clearly cares deeply about you and doesn’t know how to effectively manage the conflict between you and your sister.  Perhaps you can focus your relationship with your mother on all things unrelated to your sister and only talk about your sister in passing or very objectively.  You can continue to find validation from your partner and here. Can you let go of getting it from your mother?  I could have saved myself a lot of hurt by letting go of that hope sooner.

Regarding your get together with your sister. I would keep everything super light and positive if possible. Even superficial if you have to.  Try not to be alone with her. I agree that you should be very careful about disclosing anything personal. When I share good things in my life with my sister, she gets terribly jealous and that is always bad. When I have shared my struggles with her, she always comes back and uses them against me. Literally always. I find being vulnerable in other relationships builds closeness, but it never works with my sister.

I am very hopeful you can rebuild your relationship with your mom. Perhaps give her time to process her relationship with each of you separately and on her own terms. Your sister likely will not change. This board has helped me learn to adjust my responses to my sisters behavior and let go of the hope for us to have a healthy relationship.  That was a very tough journey for me but I am grateful to this community for helping me. I hope you will find the same.

[Daisy Green]

Dear Turkish, Rhibmomsis, Riv3rWo)lf, LivdnLearned & Mommydoc:

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and to reply with your own experience, reflections & suggestions.  I really appreciate it.

My heart goes out to you for your own experiences with siblings, spouses & stepchildren.  Each of your stories sounds so challenging in their own way and yet what I admire is each of your tenacity to be authentic, to embrace self-care.

A few of your points stuck out to me: RiverWolf, I liked your point that "when we act out of fear, we lose ourselves."

LivdnLearned:  It really resonated with me that you strive to accept being "one foot in" with your family of origin, and that you are learning to accept these boundaries as "good sad."  I am tucking that phrase away in my own heart...

MommyDoc~ I think your advice to "keep it light & positive" when I interact with my sib is smart.   With the sib, as well as with my ex-partner, their reactions to my vulnerability are unpredictable.  Sometimes I feel a deep connection by being vulnerable, but other times they are capable of using my vulnerability to be cruel or to blame me for things that aren't my fault.

Lately my BPD sib has been exhibiting a lot of care towards me that I think is genuine, because I've been nursing a volleyball injury.  I know she loves me.  I just have to remind myself that when she fails to be loving or kind those behaviors spring from her illness and that I have a right to protect myself with distance and boundaries.

All of you are correct in observing that often parent-child relationships improve once the non-BPD child stops begging for validation or attempting to force the parents to "see" the BPD child's disorder.  I stopped talking to my mum about it a few weeks ago and am already seeing the love and hope return to my 1:1 relationship with mum.  We are even planning an overnight at one of our favorite B&B's in early September and we've enjoyed talking about our mutual sports passions, etc.

Thank you again-- I truly have learned from everything you all have shared here.