Married man and female friend who I think has BPD

[mrnobtrent2022]

So I'm new to this board and just wanted some advice on whether this description of my friend sounds like BPD or not. I'm married and about half a year ago, I became very close friends with a woman that I met on a hiking group. We seemed to have a lot in common and at one point we grew very close, although we never had any physical intimacy of any sort. I made it clear I was married from the first day we met.

So here are the reasons...

1) History of failed romantic relationships. She opened up to me about this the first couple times we met about how none of her relationships lasted more than a year. I've already lost track of how many ex ex exes she has, because the number seems to grow every time I met her. According to her, each relationship ended with lots of drama and accusations of cheating, some of which became on/off relationships at the end. She told me she only truly "loved" one of her exes. Constantly generalizes and constantly says all "New York men suck/are cheaters", even though she herself chose to get with a number of New York men who were previously married and had a history of cheating.

2) Related to the above, looking back, I felt like my role in this friendship was to provide emotional for her. She opened up about having very difficult childhood with both her parents having passed away when she was at a young age. That, coupled with her relationship issues, made me feel empathy for her. Most of our conversations seemed to revolve around her or drama in her life (family + other friends). The moment I start telling her about something negative that happened to me, I get left on read, even during the time our relationship was the closest.


3) Acts very innocent/childlike at times. She once told me people like going hiking with her because she "always needs saving". This seemed to be true as she never dared go alone and seemed to enjoy having me help her on some more challenging hikes. (On the other hand, why did she PM a random guy like me if she had other hiking partners?)

4) Very picky with food. We would only eat in restaurants she approved of. Also had a tendency toward unhealthy eating habits (No idea is that a BPD trait or not)

5) Insecurity. I noticed 90% of the people she follows on instagram are men. Poses a lot on instagram (some of the pics which I helped her take). Tells me she doesn't think she's active, yet the next day calls herself cute and casually mentions that she was considered the most attractive girl back in school. Told me she was very insecure about her exes cheating on her.

6) Definitely has existing mental issues as I once picked her up from the psychiatrist's office. She only told me that she was diagnosed with anxiety. Has lots of prescriptions for anxiety medication.

7) During the first 2 months of the friendship, complimented me repeatedly, said we had lots of chemistry and said that she had never met anyone like me before. Then one day, the compliments stopped for no particular reason and now takes ages to reply to messages.

8) Talks about dead bodies casually, but gets panic attacks when seeing spiders. (No idea if this is BPD or not)

9) Threw a birthday party but didn't invite me, because she was afraid my wife "wouldn't be happy about it". When I suggested that she invite my wife too, she refused, saying there was a quota. (On the other hand, we went on a hike the following week?)

10) Been ticketed by the police several times for reckless driving

I do think she's been a fun hiking partner to be with and I'm a bit upset that I seem to be getting devalued/discarded for no particular reason. I guess I just wanted some closure after meeting someone I thought I had a lot in common with. Meanwhile, I'm happy to have a drama free and supportive wife who as a non hiker has been ok with me making new friends (both male and female) to go hiking with.

I saw some websites saying that BPD women have a tendency to gravitate towards married men, is that an observation from y'all as well? 

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[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like you are blurring your lines of what is friendship and what is an emotional affair. BPD women will certainly take advantage of that and you could easily cross the boundary with this woman.

Do you have other hiking partners?

[mrnobtrent2022]

You are right, I was concerned about our friendship entering emotional affair territory and I do admit I could have done more to set boundaries. After hiking solo for so long (my wife is not a hiker at all), I was happy to have a companion. For the longest time, I've been trying to make sense of her personality/behavior and it wasn't until I found this site that I had an aha moment. Which leads me to another question: Why would a single woman who literally went through a break up with a "cheating ex" just a week before I first met her, want to become close friends with me, a married guy?

[Notwendy]

Pw BPD have poor boundaries. Boundaries reflect our own values. You may consider marriage a boundary, but she may not have.

The situation you described can lead you to think about your own boundaries. I agree with Cat as this may have been a beginning of the boundary to blur to more of an emotional connection. Even if you are firm in your commitment to your wife, this can potentially happen. Why? Because we are human.

Many affairs start out as casual situations. When people spend time together, they get closer. You may think hiking is not a romantic situation. It's not in itself, but two people alone on a hike spend a lot of time in conversation and this can lead to getting closer.

You did nothing wrong, and it's good to have an understanding wife who trusts you, but because of the potential for where something like this leads, you might want to rethink your choice of hiking buddies. This kind of thing is less likely to happen if you limit your hiking buddies to guys.

[waverider]

You are right, I was concerned about our friendship entering emotional affair territory and I do admit I could have done more to set boundaries. After hiking solo for so long (my wife is not a hiker at all), I was happy to have a companion. For the longest time, I've been trying to make sense of her personality/behavior and it wasn't until I found this site that I had an aha moment. Which leads me to another question: Why would a single woman who literally went through a break up with a "cheating ex" just a week before I first met her, want to become close friends with me, a married guy?

Assume for a moment she is BPD, and you dont for sure yet if that is the case

pwBPD get validation from someone who is spending time with them over their partners..Kind of "winning" your attention. Hence they regularly thrive in the 'other" woman/man situation. There is a good chance many of the claims she makes about her exes are untrue projections and in fact it was her actions she is attributing to them

Do you feel like she mirrors/adopts your likes and dislikes? Is she really as keen on hiking as you or is it something she does to impress you, or others?

[Notwendy]

Yes, triangulation is a part of the dysfunctional dynamics (Karpan triangle). When she vents about her ex, she's in victim mode. In your empathy, you become a rescuer. The ex is the persecutor. This dynamic has a strong appeal for both the person with BPD and the person with rescuer tendencies. Doesn't matter to her that you are married - you are meeting an emotional need for her ( and possibly you as well - by being the good guy supportive friend).

And as WW says, she gets your attention over your wife. This is a source of self esteem for her. ( and another triangle ).

I hope you can see that this situation is a sort of "playing with emotional fire". It's your marriage and ultimately you that can get "burned".

There are all kinds of hiking groups out there to look for a male hiking buddy. Not that it's wrong to hike alone with a female but you can't tell where that might lead. Better to not find out.

[mrnobtrent2022]

waverider - I do believe her interest in hiking is genuine, although there's other things shes said that could be mirroring, such as:

- Telling me she's an introvert like me, when it's quite clear from her actions she's not. (What kind of introvert talks to random people on the subway and then tries to ask them for a job?)
- Saying she an 80s music fan when she heard me listening to it, but not being able to name a favorite band.

[waverider]

The way I look at potential new friends or acquaintances is not whether they may have BPD or not, as there are many other psychological afflictions that could lead to drama down the track, but simply just be wary of red flags of something that's not quite right. A big one of these is someone who's past seems to be solely as a victim of nearly everyone they have had dealings with. They are the common factor, and it is almost inevitable that if you get involved you will join the list of "bullies and abusers" at some stage in the future.

Additionally make no mistake if you have a falling out, even if you do consider it platonic she is quite capable of making it sound otherwise to your wife, if she is in fact BPD

[Notwendy]

I think it's OK to have your own hobbies and also friends. But if you value your marriage, you will choose friends who also value your marriage. If I truly care about a male friend, I also value his marriage and keep my boundaries. I don't know if your female friend has BPD or not, but her actions with you were self serving. She needed a confidant. She wanted the emotional attachment. Sure, she complimented you but that met her needs not yours. She may have enjoyed being alone with you, but this was inconsiderate to your wife. If she really cared about you as a friend, she would not have done this.

 

[mitten]

I agree with what all the members have said.  This seems like a dangerous situation that could really harm your marriage.  You might also want to think about what attracted you to her?  You named 10 things that seemed odd to you.  People with BPD can have super attractive, charming personalities... but don't be fooled. 

[waverider]

Sure, she complimented you but that met her needs not yours.

This is a very good point here and took me a long time to realize. It is a very effective "hook" that is not obvious and can make them very appealing, especially if you have any low self esteem issues yourself. It is probably the biggest factor that causes people to become involved too quickly in the first place.

On the surface it gives the impression of an attentive, supportive and caring person. But you are meeting their need, which is to be desperately liked. This meets their own craving for validation. The flattery is not about you, it is a means to meet their own supply.

Bottomline, you are here because something seems "off", whatever it is you have obviously picked up on it. Listen to your instincts, this person is not essential to your life and is flagging signs of being potentially toxic. Do you need that risk in your life.?

[mrnobtrent2022]

You might also want to think about what attracted you to her?  You named 10 things that seemed odd to you.  People with BPD can have super attractive, charming personalities... but don't be fooled.  

Thank you all for your replies. You've all been super helpful. I will need to make a confession though. Back in Dec, my wife and I had essentially locked ourselves up at home at the time due to the omicron wave. The only thing either of us felt safe doing out of the house was hiking, but of course my wife doesn't hike. After a couple months of this, my "friend" reached out to me on fb. While meeting her, I felt she was giving me the excitement I hadn't had in a while. I was also tired of hiking alone, so it was a relief to go with someone who was talkative (despite calling herself an introvert) and had many wild stories about her life.

Of course I've been doing research on personality disorders because:
a) She's suddenly become quiet towards me, despite telling me we had so much "chemistry" just a few weeks ago,
b) I just wanted to figure out why some of the stuff she says or does, makes almost no sense whatsoever.
c) I know having a rough childhood can have a huge effect on you.

In fact, it was my wife that brought up the "borderline" term when I told her about the friend. I don't think I'll ever complain about my wife not being exciting again...