I need help understanding…

[dec1991]

Hello everyone,
I’m reach out for help to try to understand if what is happening because of my wife’s BPD or if she is just actually doing it because she doesn’t want me anymore.
I have been with my wife now for a total of 6 years. She is the first person I came out to as trans and she has been here for my whole journey. We got married in 2020. We have had a very stormy relationship. We have 2 children now. Both which are not mine biological. About 6 months after being married I had found text messages between her and a friend of ours. Kinda sexually messages. I asked about these messages to which she replied that’s just how I talk to my friends. I was very confused but let it go. In august of last year she left me, for this friend and her husband. She was with them for about 2 months and called me. Wanted to see me, talk about fixing our marriage and getting back together. I agreed to this. We have been together again for a few months now. The first month or 2 were good. Until I caught her in a lie. To which she said this guy friend of hers was just a friend. So I let it slide, she said she wouldn’t talk to him again. A couple weeks later I came home from work in the morning and her phone went off I looked at it and it was this guy saying he loves her. I replied to him with questions and a statement that said you know I’m with someone and he doesn’t like talking like that. He replied with I didn’t know you were with him again. So I lost my crap and she told me that it wouldn’t happen again, I told her I didn’t care if they talked just to not delete the messages. She agreed to this. And deleted him off Snapchat. Well I thought the last few months we had been doing really good. Until this past Saturday. Before leaving for work she told me she wanted a divorce, I’m a piece of crap husband and wanted me out by morning. (This happens when she’s hiding something from me) so I waited an hour and never heard if she made it to work or not. So I drove there. She was not there. I was then very upset and looked at her call logs on our phone bill. (Probably a crazy thing to do but I’ve been through this before) so I saw she had been calling to and from work every night. Including the day I was in the hospital getting a procedure done where she told me she was going to be sleeping in the car. But instead was on the phone with him. She finally called me Saturday night saying she was at work and I was like I was there and she told me I didn’t bother to look in the parking lot, which I did. I then asked her who this guy was and gave her the number which she then told me I was crazy and she wanted a divorce and a bunch of stuff. Later told me it’s someone she works with. She asked if I could stay at the house until morning so we could talk. I said I really didn’t want to but I would. In the morning I asked why she lied to me and she said she didn’t know. I asked why she did this to me again and she replied with I don’t know. She then told me she has feelings for this guy after 2 weeks of talking to him and a month of working with him. (Which I find it hard to believe) I then got very very emotional. She told me that she didn’t go there looking for someone but she caught feelings for this guy. And he has feelings for her. She told me she can’t do it anymore meaning being with me. Which is very hard for me to believe because why come back to me if you were already gone. She says she loves me and cares about me but doesn’t want to keep hurting me because I don’t deserve to be put through this. I should really hate her by now but I love her so much and I want to help her through this. I’m so confused because she tells me she wants space but then wants me to lay in bed and cuddle with her. She wants a divorce but wants to sit on my lap and be close to me. She tells me she wants time to sort this all out but wants me to stay at the house with her and the kids. I’m just trying to figure out if these feelings are real for this guy or if it’s her seeking attention because of the BPD. I’m just asking for advice and input on what you all think. Thank you in advance.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dec1991]

Does my wife crave attention from other guys due to her BPD? I’ve trying to research information and asking my therapist about it. I can tell that she loves me and doesn’t want to keep hurting me, she says she doesn’t understand why it’s happening or what’s going on. So she can’t explain it to me.

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD are *needy on steroids* and seeking attention from members of the opposite sex can be like a drug to them.

Our words of affirmation grow stale over time and the thrill of someone new approving of them is intoxicating.

It’s not “happening”—she is making it happen.