I Found You by Accident and am SO Glad

[chrystalheart]

To kind of briefly sum things up - my mother has been dx with hard-to-treat severe depression with suicidal ideation her whole life. She has never, that I am aware of, been given a BPD dx. However, several therapists I've worked with over the years have said that her behavior is textbook BPD. I've since done some research and feel that the therapists are correct. The love bombing, the hair-trigger explosions, the black/white thinking, the vindictiveness during a fight, with them or against them thinking - it's a journey and not a fun one.

In 2014 my Mom discovered she had a very large brain tumor. It was removed surgically almost immediately due to its size. While in recovery my mom had a hemorraghic stroke. She came to live with me for 4 years after her stroke, then (desiring more independence) moved to a independent living apartment. But then wanted to be closer to me and now lives in a house a mile from me. Her stroke has impacted her memory and processing speed pretty dramatically. She had to relearn how to read and do basic math. She has a lot of trouble with multi-step tasks. I have been operating as a financial adviser (especially keeping an eye on her bank balance to make sure it doesn't go too low), assisting with doctor appointments, p/t (including for a time p/t, s/t and o/t at home), socialization, problem solver, etc.

I am my Mom's only friend and only caregiver outside of people she pays for care (such as landscaper). She has a really hard time keeping friends because she feels everyone treats her badly and everyone else gets tired of all the drama and negativity.

Mom has recently found a treatment for depression that works for her and she has been celebrating how "healthy" she is, but her behaviors, of course, aren't great. She will be wonderful. Then be anxious. Then get triggered by something and have an explosive meltdown. Then she does something vindictive. Then there is space. Then she comes back over and over. And, of course, she goes off her meds, because she thinks she must be all cured now, and then she crashes and has to go back on them.

I have a regular therapist who helps me navigate the ups and downs, encourages me to have good boundaries, and gives me suggestions for managing our relationship. But I'm sure you can all relate that it's really hard. I have aspergers and am physically disabled. It is very difficult for us to relate to each other. I am very data-driven and she is more emotionally driven. She is stubborn and insists on pushing boundaries and demanding independence even when she knows (or suspects?) that she is not capable of full independence. Inevitably, it leaves me on cleanup duty. And she works very hard at times to try to upset me. I mostly just kick back and ask her why she wants to talk about topics we disagree on and try to keep it about her feelings (my best strategy so far).

I find myself struggling lately. The last blowup really upset me. Not the topic, which was stupid (I asked her to take her call off speakerphone because I was struggling with attention and was behind the wheel) - but it was the total flipout and f-bombs and even weeks afterward, her inability to accept that safety behind the wheel is a reasonable boundary. After this blow-up, she shifted all of her money to a different account that I wasn't on (didn't ask me to take my name off the existing account, that was apparently not enough), and now she has been making thousands of dollars of donations to political groups, while not remembering the donations she has already made and she needs my help to figure out how to get off recurring donations, etc. She is very upset about all the money she donated and is calling herself stupid. I'm encouraging her to look forward and not backwards. It's exhausting. My empathy is fried. If I could find someone to take care of that stuff for her, I would.

The blow-up before this one (around a year ago) had her accusing me of elder abuse and stealing - both which are really, really offensive to me. I know it's not personal. It's BPD and depression and resentment over not having the capabilities she used to have (which she has admitted)... but honestly, I don't know how people deal with this stuff long-term.

My therapist has suggested just giving her lots and lots of space to figure things out on her own. But I have values around community and family and feel like being there for her is the right thing to do, even if her illness makes that unpleasant at times. 

I am not sure how best to help her. Elder abuse accusations are really serious (and seriously piss me off). I don't want to hear that out of her mouth again. But I also don't want her floundering like she has been or to end up destitute from poor money management and people preying on her. I have suggested she think about what she would be willing to have in place to safeguard her finances better and that we can get together once a month to go over her statements.

As much as possible, I encourage her to problem-solve herself and I help her implement, but this latest drama is very concerning. Any suggestions, helpful commentary all welcome. I feel very alone in this, therapist notwithstanding.

[chrystalheart]

I was really encouraged today by the conversations I had with my bpd Mom. She really is trying and is showing that she is learning better behaviors, even though it is slow going, due to, well, change is hard, and also her memory impacts from her stroke. But she did agree that we will work together while doing well to create new behaviors for when she gets triggered by something so we have a common language and habits to fall back on.  And she has admitted that she gets resentful - when she feels guilt over something, can't process the guilt, so she deflects it as resentment. That is such an important piece of self awareness.  I was so happy that she came to that realization herself.  She is also using language now about looking at this as problems that need solutions instead of personalizing things, which is something we have been working towards for years. Hearing it come out of her mouth instead of mine is great progress. She has also agreed that a therapist would be a good idea, so I looked up one nearby for her. Fingers crossed we will have a few weeks with no drama.

[livednlearned]

Wow, that's great she is open to getting a therapist.

Has she had one before?

I can understand why you would feel awful being accused of elder abuse. That has to hurt, to hear that knowing you're only looking out for her best interests.

It must also be hard to know you're her only friend. It puts a lot of pressure on you.

Has your therapist helped you identify boundaries that are aligned with your values?

[chrystalheart]

My therapist and I are still working through healthy boundaries. For a while we had established 3 hours 2x week visits - one day where she helped me and one day where I helped her. That of course started changing as she continually pushed boundaries. But I stopped doing that after the last fight and haven't restarted it, as I've been unusually sleepy for the last couple of months. I'm trying to remind myself that my mental health is just as important as hers.

I found a lot of the information glut around bpd that came with the AH/Depp trial to be really helpful to me in understanding that the root of her panic is loneliness, abandonment, and low self-esteem coupled with no sense of self.  I am trying to use that information to address things as they arise by addressing the core issue, instead of the material one causing the blow up. It requires a lot from me to not be reactive when she yells. I have aspergers, as I mentioned, and am very noise and chaos sensitive. But I'm practicing a lot. Usually I can be matter of fact, but not always. I'd like to make that 100%.

Is it hard? Yes. It's a lot of pressure. While she lived with me she was voluntarily committed 3x for depression. I try to celebrate how far she has come and that she is really trying to be healthy in all the ways. She has had therapy on and off for her entire life. She has also had intensive therapeutic outpatient treatment several times. Hopefully now that the antidepressants are being effective she has a chance to really learn at a higher level the skills they have been trying to teach her.

The elder abuse accusation was hurtful. My therapist once told me I have an exaggerated sense of fair play. The idea of robbing from her (even for a nominal amount) or hurting her or treating her with disrespect or taking her autonomy away is completely abhorrent. I treat her with respect and dignity and give her as much independence as she can stand. I have done... everything for her - bathing, everything. So, it really not only hurts my feelings, it is a slap in the face, if you understand where I'm coming from. I have even put money in her account temporarily when she overspends by accident. So, it's really ... something she says not because it's even remotely true - she says it deliberately to be hurtful and because if I'm not 100% on her side about everything then I am against her (black/white thinking). I also suspect she blows up as a way to prove that I'm not going to walk away. Like, how much will I take?

Anyway, I'm sure everyone who has a bpd person in their life understands that it's hard.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi chrystalheart, 

Welcome to our family!

Yes, having a pwBPD is tough. We all get it here. I'm glad that you have a T and get help working through things and holding firm with your boundaries. My T has been so helpful to me as I navigate being an adult child of an uBPDm.

The elder abuse accusation was hurtful. My therapist once told me I have an exaggerated sense of fair play. The idea of robbing from her (even for a nominal amount) or hurting her or treating her with disrespect or taking her autonomy away is completely abhorrent. I treat her with respect and dignity and give her as much independence as she can stand. I have done... everything for her - bathing, everything. So, it really not only hurts my feelings, it is a slap in the face, 

I think that most of us here can relate to this. Just guessing, but most of also have certain things that are big triggers for us. For me it's not being believed, being told that I lied. My sense of integrity is so strong that I know factually such words are merely projections towards me and not based in fact, yet they deeply wound. I believe the wounding comes from letting them be the ones who define me, and not defining or believing myself. As I heal inside, learning to not hear their words as being 'truth' to me but rather what they are, them trying to define me and fit me into their beliefs, has been a lifesaver.

I do understand, however, that you're dealing with a much more serious issue. It's not a game playing accusation. Have you thought about reaching out for any legal advice just in case? Documenting things is probably an important thing for you to do so that if things escalate, you have a necessary trail.

Glad you found us. 
Wools

[chrystalheart]

I think that most of us here can relate to this. Just guessing, but most of also have certain things that are big triggers for us. For me it's not being believed, being told that I lied. My sense of integrity is so strong that I know factually such words are merely projections towards me and not based in fact, yet they deeply wound.

You are absolutely correct. I also have the same issue around integrity. I guess that doesn't bother me as much, because I've seen my Mom break down completely when confronted with a truth she doesn't want to acknowledge, so I have just written it off as something she has to project onto someone else to protect herself. But, does it suck? Yes it does.

You are right too about considering some legal protection around the elder abuse accusations. I hate to have to do that, but she is pretty unpredictable when she is angry. Ultimately if she took elder abuse accusations to the authorities she would just be ensuring she has no one at all. But, I suppose when she's angry it feels that way anyway.

Argh.

[Methuen]

My therapist has suggested just giving her lots and lots of space to figure things out on her own. But I have values around community and family and feel like being there for her is the right thing to do, even if her illness makes that unpleasant at times.

I'm glad to hear you have a T.  

Why does your T suggest giving her lots and lots of space to figure things out on her own? If you and your T haven't talked about the "why's", it might help you to know why.

I too have values around community and family.  

Have you heard that sometimes a drug addict may need to hit their "rock bottom" before they are ready to accept help?

Sometimes I wonder if it is the same for mental health.  Do they have to hit their bottom?  But with each crisis, I also wonder if the mental health problems deepen, and lessen the chance of recovery.

I support your T who says that giving your mom lots of space is a plan.  I have read plenty of books that suggest that letting them learn from their own experiences is necessary.  Sometimes it is even the recovered BPD that says that.

Your mom shifting her money to a new account, and accusing you of elder abuse - is serious. 

Do you believe there is any chance that you can help your mom see reason?

My mom is currently self sabatoging, and has been on a path to self destruction for a long time.  Her behavior is madness.  She is going to do what she is going to do, and nobody can stop her.  I could try, but doing so requires that I join in the madness.  

It's a black hole.  We can choose to take the risk of getting sucked into that black hole, or we can use tools to keep ourselves outside it.

From where I am now with my 86 yr old mother, I would recommend giving serious consideration to your T's advice.  In my experience, the health care system believes our mother's have the right to make their own bad decisions, regardless of the consequences, including their own safety.

So we can try to stay in our lane, or we can go down that black hole with them.

It sucks.  It's so painful.  It feels wrong.  I get it.  But from where I am currently, I don't see another way.  You can't fight a disease without medicine or treatment, and expect a positive result.  That's my sad conclusion. 

[chrystalheart]

So, my therapist is really rallied around helping MY mental health. My Mom isn't really her focus, except insofar as she affects me. She sees my Mom drains the limited energy I have, she sees the anxiety and depression spike when Mom is being nasty, and I think she just really wants me to question my assumptions... revisit them... see if I still feel the same way. Not just assume I know where my boundaries are and why they are positioned that way, but to really think it through.

As far as hitting rock bottom, I'd say that my Mom has hit rock bottom many times. Like, hard. Alone. Spiraling out of control. Suicidal. Eating so badly she had memory impairment and dizziness. Not showering for a week or two. Not dressing. Just flat out miserable and angry. From her first suicidal attempt when I was 2 through her last voluntary commitment a few years ago.

Invariably she eventually comes around, is appreciative I am there, needs my help, leans increasingly hard, then has a triggering event of some sort, explodes like a star going nova, then retreats and sits in her own demoralized juices for a while until she emerges to make contact again and digs deep to be nicer.  You can't even really support her during the retreat phase, because she is still very full of rage and blame and inability to find her way to a more rational balanced place. Being around her seems to feed the rage. So, she gets distance until she emerges and makes contact herself.

I don't think it's quite a situation where the recovery is lessened, at least for her. She has made a lot of improvements, slowly, over time, and isn't nearly as horrible as she was when I was younger. She has learned some of the language around boundaries (hers and others), and has learned some methods for self-soothing and re-framing what she thinks she is hearing. Things of that nature. So, I guess I do feel like change is possible, while also acknowledging that she has had this mental health disorder her entire life and will likely have it the rest of her life and I can either accept that or not accept it. In my mind it's no different than having a relationship with someone who has schizophrenia or any other relationship-limiting disorder. I had two deaf relatives and I would try to sign to meet them on common ground. For Mom, I have to learn other skills to meet her where she lives, even though it's a bit of a learning curve for me.

That said, the accusations of elder abuse really did set me back. However, if she ever did attempt to make some serious charge of elder abuse, she would have a really, really difficult time with it, because countless people have seen us inter-relate under all sorts of circumstances. And my therapist notes would also support this, as, no doubt, would her therapists also support it. Nor has she ever had any report to any doctor or anything of the sort. And, sad as it is to say (because it's sad life tends to be this way), her mental health history would no doubt count against her credibility.

I have created new boundaries, such as not driving her distances (since the last blowup was in the car when we were about 40 minutes from home).  And I am insisting that we treat one another with respect, even if we are in disagreement about something. When it gets disrespectful, I'll just state that and leave or hang up. I sincerely think the only way to the other side and a more complementary existence is if we agree to these basics and she is held accountable. If she says she thinks we shouldn't talk, I say ok and hang up. If she says she needs help, I try to help her. But a lot of it is going in email, instead of text message so there is a history.

BTW, once Mom wasn't mad anymore, she said she didn't mean it about the elder abuse or about insinuating that we would steal from her - 'oh that's just the depression talking...'
 
After this last blow up when she changed her account number, I said if you want more independence, that's just fine. I didn't offer to do anything for her. If she wanted something she had to ask. Finally she contacted me about figuring out how to find and remove subscriptions from her bank account.

It turns out she has been spending money all over the place, didn't know it, was duplicating things over and over again ... a huge mess. I helped her cancel things and showed her a tally I made of what she was doing. Maybe THAT is why she decided she needed to change her account - maybe it was that her account balances seemed off and she didn't know why and instead of trusting me and asking for my help, she assumed it was me. Who knows. There is one institution she donated to 14 times in a single month. She had no idea she'd done that.

I hear you regarding behavior that is madness. About it being a black hole. My Mom tried to foist many impossible things on me through the years and was really emotionally abusive and sometimes verbally abusive even when I was in school. It got so bad after I was married that I would be in tears by the end of every call with her. For a time I ended our relationship because I just couldn't take it anymore. Twenty-five years ago that was - and still working on the concepts of mutual respect and civility. One time when she was living overseas and I was in college, she came on a rare visit to see me with my stepdad and they took me to Colonial Williamsburg (an historical re-enactment town in Virginia). When we saw the guy making and restoring elaborate hand-carved furniture she said that since I had said I had an interest in making cabinetry I should get an apprenticeship with that guy. I tried to play it off and she wouldn't let it alone. She wanted me to go talk to him RIGHT NOW and get an apprenticeship. I was finally cornered and said I don't have a car and have no way to get here nor do I have time to commute from my university with the class load and hours I'm working that I have on my plate already and he's not doing the type of cabinetry I'm interested in - which was shaker or mission style carpentry. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the 4 days. Over that. I feel for you, that you are dealing with similar things with your mother. It *is* a black hole at times. Just a bottomless void.

TBH, I am letting my Mom do anything she wants. That has been my strategy for quite a while. I don't stand in her way over anything she wants to do... I just let her know what I am and am not willing to do myself. And if she wants something outside of that I either help her figure out the steps or leave her to it. Taking her meds. Abruptly going off her meds. Getting therapy. Leaving therapy all of a sudden because there's this shiny new thing I want to do or because someone's not being nice enough to me. After 3 commitments she wanted her gun back from her ex-husband? I'm not getting it for you.  I want to grow up and be an editor even though I can't remember proofreading marks... Fine. Here are some things to help you learn it.

It seems to me that a lot of the therapeutic professionals are *easily* snowed by her... at first. Then eventually they start seeing the patterns. Then the real work begins and she doesn't want to do that work so she leaves. Maybe each one can leave enough residue to give her something to nibble on when she's so inclined. Maybe eventually that raises her growth up another tier.

I feel like it is probably to my benefit that her bank account is separate now. I don't have access to it, therefore there's nothing that can be pointed to. But it's going to be more work for me saving her from herself now that it's not regularly in my line of sight.

I am also making therapeutic suggestions to her - books for healing childhood trauma, what C-PTSD is, etc. She is very interested in her abuse history, so maybe that will help some.

I laughed when you say "try to stay in our own lane" because that is a phrase I've been using with her a lot lately. "I'm trying to stay in my lane." Then she can ask me to talk further about it if she wants (whatever it is).

Thank you for responding. It feels really, really great to not be alone in this anymore.