5 days ago

[StartingHealing]

Hello all.

Haven't posted on here in a while since there was some serious stuff that went down. 

 I am choosing to go forward with divorce.

She had been escalating since the beginning of the month.  I had been using the tools, the no JADE, validation, SET, not validating the invalid, disengaging by leaving the area, taking a walk, not being invalidating, but her statements to the effect that she was threatening suicide were escalating, threats to my physical safety were also escalating, it appears that she fixated on me as the sole source of any and all bad, negative, sad, painful things that have transpired in her life.  Plus, she stated the she was leaving, that she had found another man, been on dates, and, and, and.  It even got to a point where she was making statements that as a man, as her husband, I should have pushed the issue of forcing her to give me this persons name and so forth to do a internet search on them to protect her from people like that since no one has ever protected her ever in her life.  Turned out that she was catfished. ( This happened the night before)

I had been sleeping on the couch, and once she came out of the bedroom, I was outside having a cup of coffee, texting a family member.  Me texting was what seemed to be the trigger for her rage.  By this time, I had been yelled, screamed at, threatened with things like cutting my external genitalia off, that she would crush me, that she would send people after me.. I was so numb that I thought that taking the dog to the park for a walk would provide space and it would calm down. 

I thought that calling the non-emergency number for EMS would be a good idea because I wanted to find out information on what could happen if I did call 911 in regards to her escalating threats of self deletion. ( I still hadn't come to the conclusion that I was done with it)  An officer met me at the park, had a nice conversation, but I didn't know that this call triggered a wellness check on wBPD. 

That really set her off.  I was getting texts from her son that is staying in the house, then the phone calls from her that were getting more and more aggressive and violent.  And then I started getting notifications from the ring doorbell.

I called 911 because I was afraid of going back home because I had no clue on what could happen to me. I was convinced that she was going to seriously physically injure / kill me. 

I arrived at the house along with the police seeing piles of my personal belongings in the front yard, and she came boiling out of the house, yelling, screaming, cursing, saying derogatory things about the neighbors, the police, me,    the police gave her direction to calm down, to stop screaming, and, well, she didn't. Even after many statements from the officers to calm down.  She actually went the other way and became even more aggressive, and starting saying things about how the cops are corrupt, that I lied to them, and even attempted to explain away her statements in front of the officers concerning her self deletion threats, and threats of severe physical injury directed to me.  That she had immediately said before in front of them!

She was arrested and went to jail. The charges are DV and disorderly conduct.  A order of protection was immediately put into place until she has her day in court for this incident.  About 3 weeks or so.  She cannot communicate with me in any way, she cannot come to the house, she cannot come to my work.  If she wants any items from the house she has to have a police escort to do it. 

After she was released, she came to the house with police escort to gather some of her things, clothes, etc.  She still was spouting off about how everything was my fault, I was the one that made her that way, etc.

She left, and then she immediately started making phone calls to her son.  She was attempting to re-establish control of me via a third party.  Demanding a certain amount of $$ to be in a certain bank account, which .. how is 300$ for a single stay in a hotel?  What?   

Prior to this blow up I had been facing the fear of contacting family / friends and had started contacting them and letting them know what was going on. 

Monday, I went to court and put in a request for a protective order that would last for 1 year. If she fights it, there will be a court date on it.  But I have 2 years of text messages, witnesses who are willing to testify, ring videos, and audio recordings. Currently I have sole exclusive access to the house and the dog.  I know that she has friends that have firearms.  I really don't know what she is capable of.

After a few days of not being around her.  I have found that I'm in a much better space in my self.  I'm not jumping as much when I receive a text notification. Or a phone call. 

Living with the fear that she would self delete on one side, the fear of physical violence on the other, and then in the middle all the behaviors that are not good.. the alienation, isolation, rages, triggering, shame, belittlement, to name a very few as an example ... I can't, I cannot do it any longer.  I cannot continue living in a situation where to keep the peace, I have to be like a organic robot that can read minds. Her mind specifically.

Even then, I don't think that would work. 

Yes, I had been groomed for many years into a person that .. well .. wasn't me.  And even then she would get triggered, have a rage outburst, because according to her, I have so many filters to get things through that "your not real"  from a person that stated that if you don't go to sleep facing them, you don't want them.  You don't love them, that not doing an action exactly how she lectured me on, means that you don't care, ... that a amazon shopping addiction was perfectly fine but asking her to __________________ means that I am a controlling SOB. 

Somehow or another, I'm an evil genius that completely destroyed her life. 

I'm currently seeking a lawyer to start the process of divorce.  I'm a reasonable person.  But the expectations of the court may appear to her that they are not reasonable.  It appears at this time that the courts have an expectation that people are supposed to be as self supporting as possible.  She probably will not like that.  Since to her that is unreasonable since she does have a physical issue with 1 leg.  She does have medical limitations but she has used that as a means to not support herself or to contribute to the marital financials.  I'm willing to pay a reasonable amount of spousal support, and I want to stay in the house for at least two years, until I finish my degree, and then the house will be sold, and she can receive her fair and equitable portion of the proceeds after all liabilities are satisfied.

All I can suggest to those who are in a relationship is to be very very aware and maintain a healthy self interest.  Don't fall into the falsity that love can conquer all.

[Turkish]

Wow. I'm glad that you remained safe through such turmoil. It sounds like there's no rescuing this. While reading that, I thought, "how did she think it would turn out?"

I'd post divorce questions on the legal board. There are very senior members there who can help support you in the process.

All I can suggest to those who are in a relationship is to be very very aware and maintain a healthy self interest.  Don't fall into the falsity that love can conquer all.

This should be pinned to the top of the board. It's one of the 10 Beliefs:

4) Belief that love can prevail
Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.  For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul...

I was there also, as were most of us.

[babyducks]

I'm terribly sorry you went through all that.    what a stressful, difficult, set of experiences.   I seriously doubt I would have made it through all that as calmly as you have seemed too.   I was fortunate in that I got out without any expressions of violence.  for which I count myself lucky.

I'm glad an order of protection was put into place.   Right now, nothing good can come of you two being in any contact what so ever.   Please make sure you understand the order and abide by it.    Many times here I've read stories about orders of protection that were broken by the party who it was meant to protect.   Things like: "she texted me to ask where her glasses were and all I did was answer the text".    that's still breaking the letter of the order.

I can relate to what you said about starting to relax a little, after not being around her for a few days.   I have a vivid memory of sitting in my reclining chair in my condo, and for the first time in years, not expecting the door to burst open and a tirade to walk in.    It was such a novel experience.   I could feel my muscles let go in the shoulders and the neck.

How are you feeling today?   I remember that for me, the feeling of relief started to wane, and the sadness started to creep in, were I bitterly regretted the tragedy of it all.

'ducks

 

[StartingHealing]

I'm terribly sorry you went through all that.    what a stressful, difficult, set of experiences.   I seriously doubt I would have made it through all that as calmly as you have seemed too.   I was fortunate in that I got out without any expressions of violence.  for which I count myself lucky.

I'm glad an order of protection was put into place.   Right now, nothing good can come of you two being in any contact what so ever.   Please make sure you understand the order and abide by it.    Many times here I've read stories about orders of protection that were broken by the party who it was meant to protect.   Things like: "she texted me to ask where her glasses were and all I did was answer the text".    that's still breaking the letter of the order.

I can relate to what you said about starting to relax a little, after not being around her for a few days.   I have a vivid memory of sitting in my reclining chair in my condo, and for the first time in years, not expecting the door to burst open and a tirade to walk in.    It was such a novel experience.   I could feel my muscles let go in the shoulders and the neck.

How are you feeling today?   I remember that for me, the feeling of relief started to wane, and the sadness started to creep in, were I bitterly regretted the tragedy of it all.

'ducks

'ducks

I wasn't calm,  I was a walking basket case.  It's now after 7 days that I'm finding myself unwinding.  I'm not jumping when my phone has a text notification,  it's nice that I can move things around in the house without the "lecture" on how that is wrong,  I can eat when and what I want, watch video entertainment that I choose to.  Yes it's unsettling because of being used to a behavior pattern that was imposed from outside of myself.  If that makes any sense. 

I have held a funeral for the relationship.  A means to demark the past and the now.  Printed some pictures of her, held a service, and burned them. 

I realize now that my love, my commitment, was all based on falsity.  The person I thought she was in my head was all fantasy, and that was the hook that kept me in the relationship as long as I had.   

[StartingHealing]

Wow. I'm glad that you remained safe through such turmoil. It sounds like there's no rescuing this. While reading that, I thought, "how did she think it would turn out?"

I'd post divorce questions on the legal board. There are very senior members there who can help support you in the process.

This should be pinned to the top of the board. It's one of the 10 Beliefs:

I was there also, as were most of us.

I don't think that she was thinking about how it would turn out.  Her support (me) had been changing, and probably triggered her fear of abandonment.  For the majority of the marriage, all she was doing was being a vampire of time, money, love, etc.  There isn't anything that can fill that black hole she has.  Course she is so strong and independent but can't provide anything for herself, but according to her, she doesn't need to go talk with somebody, or go to a group, or anything.  She can fix her sh_t herself.  Sigh.

Thanks for the suggestion about the divorce boards, I'll go see whats up over there.

Peace