Questions that make me ruminate

[tina7868]

I have posted of the reversing board for all of my time on this forum, but this feels like a post more suited for here. Because I do want to detach, I want to stop obsessing and ruminating, specifically about the following concerning my ex with BPD.

- when the last cycle ended, and he told me he was seeing someone exclusively and wasn’t interested in me,, why did he tell me several times that she looks/reminds him of me?
- why did he start texting me again a few weeks later in such a distant way? In past cycles, he called to reinitiate contact (acting like nothing happened/he was into me again). Why did he even start texting me again when he said he wouldn’t/is involved with someone else and I clearly have feelings for him?
- Even if he is texting me which I guess makes me happy, is he just checking if he still “has” me? Is my only move to be distant and aloof? How long can that even last for?

If anyone has any thoughts/answers, that would be super appreciated because I’m tired of being in my own head. Yes I am trying my best to plow ahead in life, but it feels like these sticky points keep me tethered to the past.

[NotAHero]

I have posted of the reversing board for all of my time on this forum, but this feels like a post more suited for here. Because I do want to detach, I want to stop obsessing and ruminating, specifically about the following concerning my ex with BPD.

- when the last cycle ended, and he told me he was seeing someone exclusively and wasn’t interested in me,, why did he tell me several times that she looks/reminds him of me?
- why did he start texting me again a few weeks later in such a distant way? In past cycles, he called to reinitiate contact (acting like nothing happened/he was into me again). Why did he even start texting me again when he said he wouldn’t/is involved with someone else and I clearly have feelings for him?
- Even if he is texting me which I guess makes me happy, is he just checking if he still “has” me? Is my only move to be distant and aloof? How long can that even last for?

If anyone has any thoughts/answers, that would be super appreciated because I’m tired of being in my own head. Yes I am trying my best to plow ahead in life, but it feels like these sticky points keep me tethered to the past.

 The “why” is easy, accepting the answer is difficult.

 These people are disordered, even when involved they cannot stand their own inner turmoil. If he texts you it doesn’t really mean anything. Could be that the new supply triggered them or they are just keeping you on the back burner as supply. They don’t know how to truly love or commit, they are not wired to do so. If you don’t have kids together, no contact is the way to go.

[Turkish]

My ex compared me to her One True Love (who dumped her, then used her then dumped her) when we were dating. She wasn't capable of understanding how hurtful that was. Your ex is likely similar.

After she first broke up with me, she wanted to keep me as a friend because she was attached. It's confusing.

[tina7868]

The “why” is easy, accepting the answer is difficult.

 These people are disordered, even when involved they cannot stand their own inner turmoil. If he texts you it doesn’t really mean anything. Could be that the new supply triggered them or they are just keeping you on the back burner as supply. They don’t know how to truly love or commit, they are not wired to do so. If you don’t have kids together, no contact is the way to go.

He’s been in therapy for the past few months. At first, when he was diagnosed, he wanted to try a relationship with me again. Then, a few months later, he said he realized there wasn’t a place for me in his life. He went no contact and came back. I had been dating someone at the time. He would ask me many awkward questions, like have we kissed and did I think this guy was cute. I plainly said that it’s not serious, but I enjoy the company. After this is when he really withdrew, and became serious with another person.

I feel like I did something wrong. I realize that no contact would be the most logical course of action, that the actual situation is not substantial or leading anywhere. I feel like I focus a lot on his actions and try to understand them, when I should be focusing on me and how I feel.

I guess I still have hope that he gets therapy, and if his relationship with this other person ultimately doesn’t work out, I want to be there. Is it possible to detach while maintaining minimal contact, or am I being naive?

[tina7868]

My ex compared me to her One True Love (who dumped her, then used her then dumped her) when we were dating. She wasn't capable of understanding how hurtful that was. Your ex is likely similar.

After she first broke up with me, she wanted to keep me as a friend because she was attached. It's confusing.

Very confusing! Being a friend while maintaining a distance (communicating exclusively through text messages for example). That happened before and then he decided to video chat one day and said “I forgot how pretty you are”. That’s the thing though, it feels like the ball is always in his court because if I asked to video chat it would be pushy…

[once removed]

Is it possible to detach while maintaining minimal contact, or am I being naive?

yes. people that coparent, for example. people that work together, or have a mutual friend group. and sometimes, people that remain friends, or try, or people that want to get back together, and either do, or, eventually, let go.

there are many paths.

when i came here, i didnt really have contact, but i did hold out hope for a while. whether you ultimately want to get back together, or whether you ultimately decide you want to move on, the advice is largely the same.

it begins, or should begin, with accepting that the old relationship was broken, is now dead, and to fully mourn and grieve it. in doing so, you ultimately create new room in your heart.

that may mean creating new room for a very new and different relationship with him that would involve a healthier and more sustainable approach. it may mean creating new room to love, but let him go, and allow someone else in.

in either case, there is a certain amount of detachment involved. detaching from the outcome, detaching from the wounds of that now dead relationship. the more you are able to do that, the clearer your path will become.

I feel like I focus a lot on his actions and try to understand them, when I should be focusing on me and how I feel.

this is understandable, and to some extent, normal. it can start to lose its hold when we realize that this is just one way of coping, one way of delaying the pain of detaching. as much as attachment can hurt, to some extent, for a time, it can feel preferable to the alternative.

it is, in fact, the second step: beginning to switch our focus, beginning to heal, beginning to rebuild as that new, best version of ourselves.

[tina7868]

whether you ultimately want to get back together, or whether you ultimately decide you want to move on, the advice is largely the same.it begins, or should begin, with accepting that the old relationship was broken, is now dead, and to fully mourn and grieve it. in doing so, you ultimately create new room in your heart.

This really hits home.

My experience over the past few months has opened my eyes regarding how much this relationship was playing out more in my head than in reality. I felt so "shaken" and woken up out of my daydream because of how much dissonance there was between my beliefs (he loves me and we'll end up together) and reality. A big fear of mine, as basic as it sounds, was that he would find someone else who he likes more than me. And it happened. It hurt like a truck, especially those first few weeks, but I feel like it catalysed a sense of detachment. I am not tied to him, and how things played out is not an indication of my value as a person.

that may mean creating new room for a very new and different relationship with him that would involve a healthier and more sustainable approach.

what would that look like? if I had to answer this question, it would be that it would look like a very slow moving relationship with no "goal" of rekindling a romance. I feel like it would require a LOT of space to beging with. I think, on my end at least, I get caught up with getting somewhere instead of just letting things be. And it turns out that isn't a characteristic of mine necessarily; I am more or less stable in other relationships. It seems like I get very triggered when it comes to this relationship in particular.

it is, in fact, the second step: beginning to switch our focus, beginning to heal, beginning to rebuild as that new, best version of ourselves.

I feel ready for this! I think when I am focusing on me, it doesn't matter what or if or when he texts me.