I'm leaving..I'm scared.

[Sunshine1111]

I have decided to leave my bf w/ bpd. We've been together for 2 years. The first year and a half I thought his issues were military related ptsd and just the worst childhood imaginable. 7 months ago he had a really really bad episode that caused me to leave and he told me about the BPD and that he would get help. He did start therapy, and medication.. but his symptoms have gone from the most prominent symptom being sad/crying etc. to being angry.

He loses touch with reality and has been on the verge of hospitalization several times over the last few months.

He is SO unpredictable. I cannot trust him. Things have gotten so toxic and I am so incredibly alone because I have isolated myself from everyone.
He is emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling. His triggers are constant. He questions every single thing I do, who I talk to, where I go, how I spend my money even to what I wear. He hates my job because I work with men and that has caused such an issue.

when he's good its great but it all changes so quickly that he literally will be so in love one second to hating my guts the next. (classic.) I am SO unhealthy. I started smoking again, I smoke pot every night, and have started drinking more. I don't sleep well, and I am not eating well.

I am so worried about my kids. I am worried he will hurt himself. I worry about his kids.

Deep down I know he can't help this. But I have done a lot of reflecting over the things that have happened and I realize that I think he has been pushing me and baiting me for the last few months. He cheated on me back in January and that's when everything fell apart. I think he expected me to retaliate. He thinks I am constantly cheating on him. There is NO compromise anymore. He is demanding. When we gets triggered and splits... When I try to tell him how his behavior effected me, its not acceptable. He does this because of this and I don't understand him. He is putting in the work, getting therapy, on meds. I am not putting in any effort. I need to get help.
He demands that I call him on every break, every lunch. If I don't talk long enough or am not attentive enough, its an issue. If I have to run an errand after work-- its an issue. He will get nasty and mean on the phone during a break or lunch and I will hang up. I will text him and he usually will either block me or respond kicking back EXACTLY the things I had been trying to communicate to him, but towards me.. but after he gets out a super long paragraph, i am blocked.
In person.. A few months ago we had a bad fight. I was trying to go to sleep and he called me a whore that only had a place to live because I spread my legs. I asked him to leave and sleep on the couch. He wouldn't. I lost my mind and told him he is a narcissit just like his mother. Well little did I know he started recording me while in bed.
He has done that several other times but ONLY after he has already said every terrible thing he could think of and pushed me to a point I couldn't stay rational.
I see now after reflecting that he has been doing this consistently for a few months and I think its because he thinks I am going to leave and is pushing and trying to "document" that I am the problem.
I try to leave and give him space but thats wrong. I try to remain quiet and tell him I just need space, or time. That is wrong.
EVERY thing I say or do in my life I have to think about in what way he will respond to it and I can't do it anymore.

I told him last night that I couldn't do it anymore. I did my best to keep it about me, not him. He was calm at that moment..told me I could take my time finding a place, but I think its only because he has his kids and just started every other week for the summer with his ex wife. He can't do anything to risk losing them but I believe he is still going to continue pushing me because he needs for me to be the bad guy.

I already know that calm will not last. IF he doesn't lose his mind while his kids are here (they go home Sunday night.. so 3 more days) he definitely will when they go home. I cannot be there to deal with him unrestricted. I have no where to go. I am trying to find a place as quickly as possible, and even tried a homeless shelter but because I have a job they can't help me.

I have accepted that I will be painted completely black because of this. He already told me he'd make sure his kids knew that I have big problems I need to "take care of"

I am so hurt. I am angry. The first year and a half the love I felt toward him was unlike anything I've ever felt in my life. I gave him ALL of me. I was married for 12 years and never felt that way before. And the more I learn about BPD the more I feel like it was all just fake. My life is destroyed and I trust no one anymore. I truly felt like he and I were meant to be together.
I alienated myself from everyone, and now my kids will suffer because 1. They adore my boyfriend. 2. They will have to stay with their dad full-time until I get my mess settled. (we share 50/50)

I can only try to keep my mouth shut. Not react to anything he says or does. I think I will try to get through until Friday night and then stay at a hotel for the weekend.
He has not been physical towards me. I have had to pick up more messes and glass than I ever have in my life though. He ends up believing things that are just insane. One day he ridiculed me during a fight for not crying. After hours of him splitting, I broke down and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. When I came out he asked what I did to my face. Asked if I was wearing makeup. I started crying again and he said "Whatever you are trying to get out of this.." I stopped him. I asked him if he truly believed I was someone who would manipulate him by crying and he said "your nose isn't even running"
I knew. I knew he really believed that at that moment, and this WOULD not end.

I just know that this isn't going to be easy. I do love him. I know he can't help this. But I also know it isn't going to end.
He needs serious help and he isn't even being truly honest in his sessions and I honestly think he needs impatient care.

I am so lost and I am not sure how I will ever emotionally recover from this relationship.

[EZEarache]

Sunshine 1111, I'm so sorry you've had to endure and experience all of this. It truly sounds awful.

You have so many considerations, right now.  However, after being out of my relationship with a BPD ex for more than a year, I can say that emotionally I feel much better. There is hope, but I agree that this does not sound like a safe situation for you, your children or his own.

Do you have a therapist, if not I suggest you get one and make at least a few sessions. They definitely help. You will have a lot of emotions to sort through as you begin to close out this relationship.

My exwBPD has also often gotten me riled up and then tried to record me once I finally flip out on her, to use as evidence. To counter this, anytime I have an interaction with her, I try to remember to start recording before I walk into the situation. I've played some of the recordings to my therapist and he starts laughing at how irrational she is.

When I moved out, it was the height of Covid, and it was very difficult to get a new apartment. I lucked out and found one in an area I wanted to live, eventually. However I was living in a hotel for close to a month. I used the time to read up on BPD. Maybe you can find a hotel that offers weekly rates, to reduce the expense. You might want to consider packing up you and your children's belongings and putting them in storage, in case he decides to retaliate against you via your things once you move out.

It sounds like you have isolated yourself from your social circle. Now is the time to reach out to them. They will help you in ways that you can't even imagine right now. Let them know you need help moving. You don't have to go through all of this by yourself.

The good news is that it sounds like you don't have any children with this person. This will make it much easier for you to go no contact. Even though the dysregulations you are experiencing sound more severe than I have ever had to endure, I envy the fact that you can go no contact. You get to walk away from the situation, and go on with your life, as painful as that may be right now.

Be strong, I guarantee that it will get easier as time goes by.

[kells76]

Hey Sunshine1111, here for you along with EZE.

You've done a lot of work to get to this point, including being able to say that what has been happening is abusive.

Sounds like you've made your decision, and now there's a lot to figure out in the leaving process, with your safety and the safety of all the kids being paramount.

It's OK to worry about everyone's safety. You can prioritize it as: you first (because if you're not safe, you can't help anyone else), then the kids, then him. After you and all the kids are safe, if you still have concerns for him, we can talk through options here (well check calls etc). Just make sure to keep you as the #1 priority. It may feel weird yet it's true.

Can I ask, how old are your kids? Ages can be a factor in figuring out better (or less worse) leaving plans (i.e. do you need to "do it all" for a baby, vs teens can process some of what's going on and pack their own stuff).

Another logistics thing to think about is taking a little time now, before the weekend, to put your important documents (passports, IDs, birth certs, etc) somewhere safe (like a rent-a-PO-box where only you have the key, for example). If you have car keys, make sure they are close to you as much as possible, maybe make an extra set and stash them in the PO box or with a friend or neighbor. Consider picking up an extra phone charger at a thrift store. If the kids have important stuff at your BF's place, and they aren't with you right now, think about low-key moving the stuff elsewhere.

I understand the challenges of having the kids go to the other parents' house when it looks like there are no other options. Are there any safety issues at Dad's, or were the issues more adult relationship vs parenting problems? If Dad is "okay enough" and they will be safe there, and if he will cooperate with a "temporary" parenting time plan, that may be your best bet. Other options include (if the kids are old enough) reaching out to their friends' families to see if the kids can stay with them for a week or two. You mentioned being alienated from a lot of relationships. As EZE mentioned, I suspect a lot of those people would welcome you back. It's hard to reach out for support, but doing it for your kids' sake may help.

In terms of the homeless shelter, just ugh  like you have to make yourself worse off to get help. So sorry how that turned out. Not sure if you've looked into it, many churches/faith communities would be willing to ask around and may have members that would put you up. You wouldn't have to share the beliefs, it would just depend on your comfort level. Some churches are more specifically religious and some are more like service groups, but my guess is that either end of the spectrum would at least ask around or could connect you with alternative short-stay housing resources.

You may have already heard somewhere that leaving can be the most dangerous time in a high conflict/abusive relationship. Not sure if you've leaned on them yet -- the DV hotline is free and anonymous, and is not only for phone calls, but also texts and chat:

https://www.thehotline.org/

they will have a lot of good feedback on how to stay safe now that you've decided to leave the relationship.

I know you're juggling a lot right now, so I'll wrap up here. Let us know how today has been going, whenever works for you.