Ready to let go.

[TR586]

I’ve been so worried to do this all over again. The crying, the rumination, thinking of what I could have/should have done better. I am by no means perfect and I’ve taken full responsibility  for the few things I did over the last few months to have it come to this. The relationship ended today and I thought if it came to this that I’d feel numb, detached, overwhelmed, and depressed. All I feel right now is acceptance. I initially decided to stay. I wanted things to work out. Ive learned over 12 years of experience that people with illnesses are still people. They still love, they still experience life much like everyone else and with growth and therapy a life with anyone can be positive although sometimes challenging. Mental illness can be treated, while I’m not perfect, my growth over the years shows proof. I was willing, and although therapy and practice were needed, I thought if I put my focus and heart into it that things would get better. She offered therapy but outside of that there was no real progress. Anytime the situation was brought up it was met with obvious signs of gaslighting/lying/anger/manipulation. I was steamrolled, raged at. Over the last few weeks I started detaching to it emotionally.  Kept one foot out the door just in case. I remember the fog, I remember buying into the lies, I remember what that did to me in my last long term relationship and how I coped with it and I knew in my heart I couldn’t get sucked into it again. The cycle needed to end. The only clear path is honesty, full transparency, therapy, and ending the relationship with him. None of which she showed a willingness to do. I spent weeks looking at articles about what the other person should do just as much as what I should do. I did what was right in that respect. I made sure I took full responsibility for my part. I owned up what I did, and explained why I did it to protect myself. As ugly as it was it was necessary for me. I am still a work in progress and sometimes my decisions are short sighted.

A few days ago she tried to convince me that she had blocked and removed his number from her phone. When I came home upset because I felt so distressed and frustrated she decided to allow me to see what she thought would be enough. No name in the contact, no number in the phone ( same thing she had done in the past even though she was still speaking to him). When I asked to see the number blocked, it wasn’t there. Even if she had ended it. The day after I called Apple support to find out if it was possible, they said no. No glitch in the IOS. I tested my own phone. Had a friend test theirs. Fully consistent each time.. Even up til now she swears he’s blocked but that number would be there. Facts trump words.I would have accepted the truth. Whatever that would have been. As ugly as it was.

I know what it’s like to lie and have to walk it back to the truth. I know the shame that comes with it. I know what it’s like to show someone else how flawed you are. I’ve experienced the rejection. The guilt. It’s a terrible feeling to show someone you love you aren’t who you’ve made yourself to be. The truth is always a step in the right direction. As uncomfortable as being vulnerable is, there’s nothing more freeing.

This morning during therapy I was told the best way forward to save the relationship was to allow her the space to prove she could be trusted. To cool things off and see if she would naturally settle back in. I was told a willingness to meet half way would be the starting point on a road to recovery. Every part of my being has wanted it to work up until I walked back in the house. But when I got in to the bedroom she asked me where I had been. Where I slept. Which was next to her that night. I had woke up to get coffee and collect my thoughts before therapy with a drive.. I was angry the night before because we left to get food and when I walked out of the apartment she was down the hall typing on her phone and immediately stopped and closed it when she saw me walk out, when I walked past her she told me I looked angry. The hiding,, secretiveness, it was never an issue before we opened our relationship. I never cared what she did. As uncommunicative as our relationship was when it came to feelings, it was by all means a good relationship. But I just imploded mentally when she came after me. It felt like an accusation, the look on her face was angry.I should have taken the high road and walked out but I stewed for an hour and cleaned. When her plans changed last second for the day I knew it was probably fine but I just leaned into a fight ready to cook it all down. My own sabotage this time. I’m not proud of it. I feel sick to my stomach. I probably should have just quietly left but it was the first time I felt like I was actually done. I’m just done being lied to. Nothing but the enduring full truth would save this relationship and that’s not something she was prepared to offer. I made an outlandish accusation, leaned into it, and let it corrupt. It was immature and I acknowledge that I stooped down to that level. I picked a fight for the first time on purpose.

The threats came heavy as to be expected. Threatening to take my dog, accusing me of hiding texts and photos from her from people while our relationship was open even though she knew damn well I told her everything, telling me she spent 5 years with me being nice but now the gloves were off and she can be an evil person. It was just, it’s too much. I finally let it get the best of me. I feel childish for it. I didn’t feel great after, don’t feel good now. Im just tired. I need the mental break. I need to hit the reset button before my mental and physical health deteriorate more.

There is wonderful person in there. Kind, caring, compassionate. She just doesn’t understand that I was never the enemy. That mistakes happen and can be forgiven both ways. Relationships are hard work. There’s no fairy tale togetherness.Trust can be rebuilt. Relationships with shaky foundations can be remade better.  Relationships take communicating and admitting fault. There is no winner. When a relationship ends; everyone loses. I was willing to work it out. Support her therapy. Love her for the person she is and support her for the person she could become. It frustrates me that this is where it ends but I’m ready to let go now. I’m ready to focus on my career, my own mental wellness. I’m ready to grow again. I’ve made sure over the last month that I had everything in place for this. I have a temporary place to stay with my dog, my friends and coworkers support, the support of my sister, and the mental fortitude this time to walk away.. I am not in control of someone else’s life and decisions. It’s not my responsibility to be there for her anymore. It was her choice and now It’s time to focus on me. As flawed as some of it was, I gave it my all. I’m sure there will be bad days, but I deserve more. I deserve to be treated with respect. I didn’t walk out on this relationship without trying everything first. I didn’t put the first nail in the coffin and for once I didn’t put the last one in either. The number not in that block list was it for me. I didn’t leave gracefully and I regret that I approached the end the way I did. I need to relearn how to think before acting again. Measure my own response. But for now, letting go is the right thing to do.  

[Tibble]

No real words of wisdom to add, just hugs and I understand how hard it all is. Just a suggestion that worked for me, maybe add on the end "Ready to let go and go no contact" No contact is the hardest thing to do but the only way to really let go. You are right - you deserve respect and so much more. Unfortunately BPD sufferers cannot offer respect or anything more. Their life is a roundabout of trying to manage their own intense emotional pain and you will never get a look in. Such a horrible mental illness that destroys partners. Let go and find peace.