Looking for a community to help me process

[KIMPOSSIMPIBLE]

I recently picked up a copy of Walking on Eggshells and WOW. It was both a shock and a relief to see so many of my interactions with my husband reflected in the pages-sometimes down to the exact wording he uses. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the idea that he has BPD and process what that means for my future and the future of our marriage.

A little background on us: My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years. We met through church. He was 36 and I was 43 when we got married and it is the first marriage for both of us. We had been friends for several years before dating so I knew going into the marriage that he had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and that he was a recovering alcoholic. I also knew he came from a family of alcoholics and had a traumatic childhood where he had witnessed both physical and verbal abuse. I also knew that while he does not identify as gay or transgender as a boy he had sexual experiences with other boys and that there were times in his adult past when he would hole up by himself in a motel and spend several days drinking and dressing up in women’s lingerie.

He had just started taking medication and going to therapy when we started dating, so even going in there was some question about his ability to be stable enough to be married. But he was witty, insightful, thoughtful, creative, fun and unlike any man I had ever met so I figured it was worth a try. I grew up in an emotionally healthy, addiction and abuse-free home and felt that many of his issues were in part due to having been dealt a bad hand in life and not having had the proper tools and support to cope with that. My hope was that he would blossom and thrive when given a loving and stable home. (Ridiculous I know in hindsight but at the time I had very little understanding of trauma, addiction or codependency)

After we got married I was surprised by some of the things that would deeply upset him. Like me coming home from work an hour later than usual because I stopped at Target on a whim and didn’t think to let him know would cause a reaction akin to committing felony murder. But I figured that the issue was reasonable even if the depth of the emotions seemed unwarranted and what did I know about what was acceptable or not communication-wise in a marriage anyway?

But then him becoming upset turned into him ranting and assassinating my character. And him ranting at me turned into him ranting at close friends. Then he impulsively quit his job of 10 years. But the rants were few and far between and his career was a challenging one that burns many people out so I chalked it up to the added stress of adjusting to the first year of marriage on top of his known issues.

But then his “motelling” behaviors started back up. The first time he disappeared for three days I threatened separation but ultimately decided to try getting more counseling/help instead. I had been going to S-Anon (at his suggestion) for a couple of months when it happened so I became more involved in the program and we also were offered more help from our church. He got a new job for a few months but then ended up leaving that once he was able to qualify for a disability pension from his old job.

He went without incident for six months or so but then disappeared again for several days. That time we did separate. I was in program and had a boundary in place (which I still have) that I will not live with someone that is actively drinking. The first few months of our separation he was staying with a friend and we were still hanging out on a regular basis while he went to outpatient rehab. It had a family group session once a week that had a teaching portion followed by a group discussion. and I learned a ton about addiction and codependency during that time.

A couple of months later he went motelling a third time but this time he escalated to doing meth with some girl he met in the lobby and having oral sex with her. Our friend kicked him out and he spent the next year in a sober living facility. He tried going back to school a few times but most often ended up dropping his classes midway through the semester. We stopped hanging out for several months though I did continue to attend the family sessions out of concern for his recovery. I planned to divorce him and communicated as much but then tbh got overwhelmed with the cost of a lawyer and the amount of paperwork involved so I kept putting it off. We remained separated for 1 1/2 years.

After he graduated from his outpatient rehab program he got heavily involved in recovery programs and made amends to me and all of our friends. We started spending time together again. It was such a drastic change that I decided to give our marriage  another try and allowed him to move home. Shortly after,  his father passed  away unexpectedly as did two more of his close friends in quick succession. Although he did not resume drinking or motelling (and still has not to this day) he did resume ranting and the frequency increased to almost daily. He blamed it on the stress of living in Southern California: the terrible traffic, our rude neighbors, our tiny cluttered apartment, and the high cost of living (all true). I seriously doubted that was the core issue but it was also just plausible enough that moving was worth a shot- so I agreed to move to the Midwest to be closer to his hometown and family. I figured if our marriage didn’t survive at least he would be surrounded by family who could support him emotionally.

We’ve been here three years now. At first the slower pace of Midwestern suburban living did seem to help. He went through three or four part-time jobs but then landed on one that seemed perfect. We found new therapists, recovery meetings and a new church family.

But then as usual things started to unravel. He found spending time with his family was highly triggering. We still live in a tiny, cluttered apartment (he is a minimalist so it is mostly my stuff) which was made worse by a pandemic that has kept us mostly homebound for two years. He quit his job to go back to school a third time only to quit again. He became disillusioned with our new church family and stopped attending. He got irritated with his therapist and got a new one. He felt people in his meetings weren’t serious about recovery so he stopped going. He went through another phase of being fixated on dressing up like a woman so he can escape being himself for a little while. And as usual, the ranting has resumed. Not daily but still often enough that I feel abused.

And I am completely, totally and utterly exhausted. There are still glimpses of the witty, insightful, thoughtful, creative and fun man that I married but it is those that are few and far between. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace. We’ve resumed meeting with our old church family via zoom which has helped me feel supported but I wonder how long it will be before he becomes disillusioned again.

And the hardest thing is that I know as unhappy as I am with his behavior, he is too. He doesn’t want to be unable to finish school or hold down a job. He doesn’t want to be filled with so much distrust of his closest friends and loved ones that he lashes out at them. And most of all he doesn’t want to be filled with the pain of gnawing emptiness and pervasive shame.

So I went back  to Dr. Google in search of answers. Which let me to the book which led me here. Although my husband does not have a formal diagnosis I don’t need one (don’t get me started on doctors not wanting to diagnose something they can’t bill for). The reality of my lived experience is enough.

So I am here to listen and learn from those who have walked this road before me and are farther along in their journeys. Thank you for listening and being a safe place for me to land and hopefully heal.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

We get it. It’s a lot to deal with. 

Like most of us, you sound like a caretaker, codependent type. When our partners behave in dysfunctional ways, it’s easy to get completely focused on what’s going on with them and neglect self care.

What makes you happy? What things have you been neglecting in your life in order to try and make him happy?

It seems that people with BPD (pwBPD) can be a bottomless pit of needs. One gets met, then another shows up. Chasing and trying to fulfill their needs never ends. That’s why we nons (their emotionally healthier partners) need to have strong boundaries.

Take a look at the Tools section at the top of this page and tell us more about some of the issues troubling you.