Trigger warning. He took his life.

[Alice.]

I'm sorry if this is long, alot to say. 3 days ago my bf took his life or ex boyfriend, we broke up the night before. Abit of a background, we had known each other for about 19 years, we got together officially about 5 or 6 years ago, I loved him more than I loved anyone and he loved me, I had never felt this type of love, crazy kind. he took on my son and loved him as his own. He had a history of mental health issues, anxiety, depression and bpd and previous suicide attempts, the first being when his first love left him . I knew this from the beginning and I accepted it. The relationship was a passionate and I admit it was very unstable and unhealthy times , it was very on and off almost on a weekly basis, due to me ending it as I couldn't handle alot of things, mainly how the relationship was, he had no trust in me whatsoever and I felt like he purposely cause problems and he felt like I just broke up with him all the time, which is true, I believe he was like that due to his bpd and fear of abandonment and I grew impatient and frustrated with him. Anyway, during the years alot changed, he started with benzo abuse after his nan passed, it was hard on him. He had alot guilt he struggled with. The fact that he was suicidal was no secret to me or his family and close friends. He always said it and said it felt like it was his destiny and he thought about it every day. There had been alot of arguments between us and some horrible things said leading up to his death. He told me he was going to do it... he told me that everytime we broke up, I'm not saying I didn't take it seriously, but this was a pattern, we would have arguments , he would threaten to do that, the next day or a few days or even sometimes hours, we would talk and try to give things another go. This time was different. I broke up with him on Sunday night, I said I can't live like this and it causing me stress and making me ill , I was stick of drama, sick of being angry and frustrated I just want a peaceful life where I can get up and go to work without being accused of anything, i felt like my life had been on hold for years, we couldn't move forward because things wouldn't change and I couldn't life like that anymore, I didn't want my son in this even though I knew he loved my son so much, my son never saw any bad traits ever, he was amazing with him and would have done anything for him. I said I felt the relationship was emotionally abusive and controlling. I regret saying that as he was mentally ill and scared of losing me and my son and that's why it was like that. Did I want to live like that... no.. would I live like that to have him here .. yes. He called me at 6.45 the following morning, he asked if we could give it another go, I said no, he said OK, I love you, I said I love you. I tried calling him back later, he didn't answer, at first I didn't think anything cos when something like this happens he drinks and takes prescription medication and passes out. I few hours pass and on my break. I go down and knock on his door.. no answer. I go back to work, when I finish, I go back to his house where he's staying with his parents. The ambulance is there. I run in to find his mom in the garden, I said has he gone she said yes, I said is there any chance, she said no. I went to sit with him for a couple of minutes kissed his hand and said I'm so sorry. I told his mom and dad I was sorry. They said its not my fault! How can it not be? I feel he did it because I left and he thought I didn't care, which I can't blame him as the days before I was so tired so fed up and so dismissive and fed up with the drama or did he do it so I could be happy. He knew the relationship wasn't making me happy, he knew he couldn't do the things I wanted or needed. Then I think if I never started this relationship would he still be here, what if I called him back sooner, what if I didn't say the things I said. He always said, if he doesn't have me he doesn't have anything and suicide would be the next best thing. He had said before in arguments when he had said he was going to do it that it would be my fault. He said he will be free of him soon and I will be happy, I said that wouldn't make me happy, I said I would be happy knowing he's out there and happy, he said he didn't want to be happy if it wasn't with me and my son and there was nothing else he wanted to do in his life. I have so much regret I wish I'd not said the things I said. I wish I didn't leave. I wish he wasn't dead. I wish I could turn back to clocks and never start this whole relationship so he would be happy with someone else.

[kells76]

Hey Alice, welcome. I'm really glad you reached out here and are talking about what happened. This is a group that gets it. There's no post length that's "too long" or "too short", it's whatever you feel comfortable with, no worries.

It makes sense that you would wonder if you just did one thing differently, if he would still be here. I know what that is like. All I can say is that it's OK to keep asking that question as you process everything that has happened. It's a normal question to ask and it's OK to wonder. Part of me wants to reassure you that it was not under your control, because that is ultimately true. Another part of me wants you to know that we can have regret about how things went down, and wish that we had done things differently, and those feelings are also true.

Often we have both experiences at once, where we know that it wasn't in our control, and we regret how it happened.

Loving and caring people tell you it isn't your fault because they love you, support you, and are noticing a part of what is true about the situation. Sometimes when we hear that right away, it doesn't sit right, because we are also grappling with the uncanny ability people have of "perfect hindsight", where once something has happened, we have an incredible ability to look back and see exactly what we could have done differently that we believe would change the outcome. This can be especially true if we "were the only one" involved, if that makes sense -- like, it's not as though someone else saw him last, or was also at the house, or whatnot, it was literally just us.

So, it can feel invalidating to hear "it wasn't your fault", as true as it is, because we are processing our regret and our hindsight.

IDK... all that to say, come back and write and process whenever feels good to you. I hope you and your son can have some moments of peace together today.

Here for you;

kells76

[SinisterComplex]

I will backup my teammate here Alice...we are here to listen and help you through the journey and process. Post and vent as much as you need to. If you have questions definitely don't hold back. No such thing as a dumb question here and also...you have freedom to share whatever you want. Here you are in control.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Alice.]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I have taken on board what you have said, but it doesn't change the way that feel and I dont think it ever will. I treated him bad, I was cold and angry amd spiteful with him. I said some really hurtful things. Even when I was around him I was just so unloving and cold most of the time. He had bpd so the way was I treating him will have made him feel so worthless he probably felt like he had nothing to live for. He wouldn't have thought that I loved him or cared about him.

[Cat Familiar]

You endured a long relationship with a very unstable man who consistently created difficulties. Most people would have not accepted him and loved him as you did. That you befriended him for so many years is evidence that you truly cared and supported him…until you could no longer.

These relationships can be so trying and turbulent, and added to that his mental health issues and suicidal ideation from the outset.

It seems as if he had a set destiny in mind and would not be deterred from achieving it.

None of us are saints and having to deal with extreme BPD behaviors is bound to cause us to say things we later regret. You did not cause his actions, nor is it likely that you could ever have prevented them. His internal demons convinced him that living was too difficult.

I’m sorry that you are shouldering any part of his decision. It was his, and his alone. 

 
Cat

[Alice.]

It seems as if he had a set destiny in mind and would not be deterred from achieving it.

Strange

He used to say it felt like his destiny or he was going to leave this world in a big way

[kells76]

He used to say it felt like his destiny or he was going to leave this world in a big way

That seems like it'd be difficult for you to be in a relationship with him, hearing him say things like that.

It sounds like it was a pervasive... obsession? for him. I can't think of another word for it. Maybe like he was arranging his life around that focus?

...

How are you and your son doing today?

[Alice.]

That seems like it'd be difficult for you to be in a relationship with him, hearing him say things like that.

It sounds like it was a pervasive... obsession? for him. I can't think of another word for it. Maybe like he was arranging his life around that focus?

...

How are you and your son doing today?

I've not told my son yet. I feel I don't want to break his heart. I don't how to tell him and he loved him so much.

I've had abit of a weird day, just avoiding everything and everyone. Spent the last few days with my thoughts and going over and over the relationship.  I've come to realise that I was also abusive, if he did something to me or to spite me I would do something back. I had alot of resent toward him and blamed him for how the relationship was and how my life was. I was constantly stressed and moody with him I would purposely say things to hurt him. I told him the night before he ended his life that I just want out and to be happy like his ex now (who he also attempted suicide over) I said he was selfish and never let me have a life, that he didn't love me or he would want me to be happy and live a normal life. He said I would get my wish soon. I did this I know I did. What person says stuff like that to another person who is mentally ill!  It might have always been in his mind to do what he did and there was reasons before, but this time, that reason was me.

[kells76]

I've not told my son yet. I feel I don't want to break his heart. I don't how to tell him and he loved him so much.

 

There's no instruction book for that, is there. Fortunately my H's kids weren't around when it happened, either.

How old is your son? It can make a difference for how to tell him.

I couldn't stay at our house after what happened so H and I were staying with my parents for a few days. We told the kids over there, not at home. We let them know that they didn't do anything wrong and weren't in trouble, it was just an important thing we had to tell them.

I wonder if you can be in a supportive place when you tell your son -- are there some family members that can be there with you, people who can give strength to you and him (your parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, etc)?

It might have always been in his mind to do what he did and there was reasons before, but this time, that reason was me.

For us, it was a housemate who died. He was a severe alcoholic but hid it really well. We all got along OK at first but he became pretty emotionally needy and neither I nor my H were comfortable with that, as it was directed towards me. I typically spent time in my room with the door locked if it was just him at home and my H wasn't around. I was out one day but coming home, and from block or so away saw him going in the house. I didn't want to deal with him so I just killed time around the neighborhood. By the time I got back it might have been too late, but the way it happened it's hard to tell. I might have been able to save him but I might not have. It is hard because I can look back at that exact moment of deciding "I don't want to deal with him" and if I'd just gone home, it's possible he would still be alive. So I get what you're saying, that it is really easy to look back on the timeline and see "The Moment" or "The Words" or "The Thing" that you said or did that seems like "if I went back and did that differently, or didn't say that thing, he would still be alive".

Yet some part of you, maybe subconsciously, recognizes something important:

It might have always been in his mind to do what he did and there was reasons before

If you weren't there or didn't say whatever at that time... it would have been something else or someone else.

He made a series of choices and commitments that put him where he was. Whatever external that was happening at that time or that someone said to him in that moment would have also been "The Reason" instead. Some part of you recognizes this in how you worded your post, which is interesting.

It's an ongoing process to put together those two parts of what happened. I am 5 years out and was still working on it in therapy this year. It hit something at my core, of being completely powerless, that is really shattering for me.

If you're not already seeing a T, it can be helpful for the long process of putting the pieces together.

...

You're also not alone in looking at your contribution to the relationship. A lot of members here are processing if/how they may have been abusive. You can check out this thread and see if any of it resonates with you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353269.0

I will say that the fact that you are even asking that about yourself indicates a willingness to change and to face the truth, which is atypical for abusers. I can't diagnose or label anything, I'm not a professional, so it might be important for you to find a local professional to assess your contribution to the relationship and let you know what s/he thinks.

The links in the thread are free and anonymous, though.

...

  , and it's good to hear from you again.

[kells76]

Hey, wondering how the weekend went for you and your son. No pressure to respond, whatever works for you. Just wanted you to know we were thinking of you here on the boards.

[WhatToDo47]

I didn't have a chance yet to read all of the above posts but I read the subject line and just want to say that you are loved here, I'm glad you posted here. I plan to go on and read the whole thread, but for now please know that this is not your fault and that the most important thing now is to take care of yourself, so please keep posting, get the therapy you need from this trauma, and spend time with loved ones.

We are all here for you.

[Justapotato]

Oh you poor thing. I’m crying reading this. I’m just about to cal it quits with my boyfriend after the got physically abusive and already he’s threatening to do the same. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling and I’m probably not much help as a blubbering mess but just remember you didn’t cause this, the bpd did. If you ever want to chat please feel free to Pm me. xxx