PC Report Hearing and Struggling with New Family T

[mama-wolf]

It has been a very difficult few months, and I am especially struggling after we had our first parents' session with the new Family T yesterday.

To catch folks up, my uBPDxw summarily quit family therapy in mid-February because she wasn't getting what she wanted (reunification with D13 and more collaborative, enmeshed co-parenting with me).  She insisted that if I wanted to continue with the kids, it would have to be on my custodial time and at my sole expense.  For me to continue, she needed to fill out new consent forms, but the way she insisted on wording things characterized it as essentially a new therapy process--rather than a continuation where she has withdrawn--and put the previous Family T in an ethical bind to the point that she had to terminate with all of us.  Permanently.

This caused our PC to have to file a Report to the Court, where he also asked to withdraw.  His argumnent was that he had a good working relationship with the family T, and now that a new one had to be appointed he was concerned that his continued presence as PC would hinder a "fresh start."  uBPDxw did what she could to get out of going to the hearing by trying to pressure  me into agreeing on both a new Family T and PC before the date, but I was worried that if she didn't experience some real consequence from her actions we would just face this situation again and again when she didn't get what she wanted.

The hearing was on May 16th, and I asked for at least sole legal custody at least temporarily since we were facing a gap in having a PC.  Ultimately, the prior PC stayed on board until a new one was appointed, and I got decision-making power on selecting the new PC and Family T.  And uBPDxw was held responsible for my attorney's fees.

In parallel to all of that, my mother became terminally ill with leukemia in early March, was hospitalized for over two months, was moved to hospice on May 16th (I went straight to the hospital from the courthouse), and passed away on May 17th.

It took a little time after the hearing to get the order signed by the judge and get set up with the new Family T (who had been one of three referrals from the previous Family T).  uBPDxw and I each had separate individual sessions, and then each of the kids met with her individually, and yesterday was the first joint session with uBPDxw.  Even though it was virtual, it has sent me into a spiral of reliving the early days with the prior Family T, where uBPDxw was given chance after chance after chance,  whereI was frequently triggered, and where my daughter increasingly struggled to the point of developing an eating disorder.  When I tried to express that I didn't want to re-live the last 3+ years, the new Family T cut me off and said that she can't promise that and that it's going to become a question of what I can tolerate.  So basically I'm in the position of obstructing progress in family therapy if I can't tolerate it.

I tried to stick to the themes that I have struggled with over the years…uBPDxw not respecting boundaries (any opening being used to push for more), having to justify/defend/explain every decision and choice to her, lack of communication, etc. I talked about uBPDxw not sticking with agreements/changing the agreement, which the family therapist summarized as my ex "not following the rules."  She did "pick on uBPDxw a little bit" (her words) about not sending custody exchange updates/not communicating with me in general, pointing out how not following those "rules" makes me feel like I can't trust her, and uBPDxw agreed to be more diligent with this.

It sounds like we are going to have monthly parenting sessions for now. I don't know what that's even supposed to look like and I'm not sure how to handle it.  Family T said she hasn't heard back from our previous family therapist to discuss the history, and sounded generally dismissive about it but said she'd try again.  That also leaves me feeling like she doesn't care one bit about everything I have already been through, and that I'm going to have to go through it all again before anyone believes me about uBPDxw's behavior and impact.

Between the abrupt loss of the therapeutic relationship with the previous family T (and the stabilizing influence it had on our family situation), my mother's hospitalization and passing (endured without that stabilization), the stress of the hearing, and the various interactions with uBPDxw as a result...I'm feeling pretty hopeless.

I'm hoping some folks here will have some specific thoughts and ideas on how best to approach work with this new Family T.  I get that there is a question of what I can tolerate as part of that work, but I feel like it's going to be up to me to be very clear about what I have to tolerate...and what I don't.  I don't have to tolerate uBPDxw trying to now push her way into my day-to-day parenting decisions at home, and I won't.  I think the important thing is to be able to express that as a clear boundary that is no one's place--not even the Family T's--to force me to modify...

mw

[kells76]

Hey, first of all, 

I'm so sorry to hear that your mom passed. Her illness has been weighing on you for a long time, and I know it was so much to try to manage, along with taking care of the kids, and everything else. I hope you felt like she knew how much you loved her and how much she loved you.

While I might not be able to reflect on the rest of your post today (crazy meeting schedule at work), I just wanted you to know I saw it.

   again,

kells76

[babyducks]

Hmmmm.

My first thought is that 'tolerate' is a ridiculously poor choice of words in this instance.

Would it be more helpful to frame this, at least temporarily, as you are going to need to manage your emotional energy carefully as you grieve the loss of two important relationships in your life?  Your mother and the previous therapist.

It would seem logical that you have arrived at this point emotionally spent.

And that making good choices about how to protect your reserves and replenish your energy is of heightened importance right now.

My deepest sympathy for the loss of your mother.

[mama-wolf]

Hey kells76, and thank you for the quick note...I look forward to hearing your perspective when you have a chance.

And thank you babyducks...I like how you framed that about managing my emotional energy.

mw

[zachira]

Mama-wolf,
I send my sincere condolences on the death of your mother.
I learned a valuable lesson last year when I had to hire a lawyer to defend myself against my NPD sister's lawyer who was top notch and from the best law firm in the region for the legal issues on the table. I had two terrible lawyers, and finally struck gold with the third one and won what appeared to be a slam dunk for my sister. My lesson was that it usually takes a lot of hard work to find the professional who is the right fit and who is going to be what you need whether it is a therapist, lawyer, etc., I spent weeks talking to local people and interviewing lawyers they recommended who referred me to other lawyers who they thought could really help me. This therapist doesn't sound like she is what you need. Part of finding the right fit, can be doing the deep dive of interviewing people who will tell you the truth of their experiences with this person (for example, I found a retired lawyer who had nothing to lose because of his retired status very helpful in letting me know that my lawyer at that time was a narcissist.) and then doing several interviews with the hard questions to figure out if a therapist is a fit or not. I believe you can probably fire this therapist now, and would have a hard time if you wait, because than the narrative can become that you are someone who fires the therapist when you don't get what you want. You also have the possible option of quitting therapy for now. It does seem that continuing with this therapist, is going to lead for more trauma for you and your children. Another possiblity is asking to meet separately with this therapist, which is a norm now for family therapy as long as the therapist makes it clear she/he will not keep from the other client/clients what you have told her/him. The separate meeting with the therapist can be part of a joint session or a separately scheduled meeting. The rule is the therapist cannot keep secrets from the other party. What seems key here is that you figure out quickly whether this therapist can help you, and what you are going to do if she can't.

[mama-wolf]

Thank you, zachira...

I believe you can probably fire this therapist now, and would have a hard time if you wait, because than the narrative can become that you are someone who fires the therapist when you don't get what you want. You also have the possible option of quitting therapy for now.

I really do wish I'd had a chance to thoroughly search for a new family therapist and conduct the kind of interviews you mentioned.  Unfortunately, it is exceedingly difficult to find one in our area who is taking new clients and has the kind of experience needed to handle our kind of case.  I do try to have some faith in the fact that this therapist was one of three who had been recommended by the prior family therapist.  As difficult as everything has been, I still trust on some level that she would not have referred someone who couldn't handle the case.

Given the particulars of our case though, and the circumstances where uBPDxw did in fact quit the prior therapy, I'm really not in a position to quit--even this early.  I was the one who selected this provider from the referrals.  I did so for good reasons, which include her experience with eating disorders (something that is even harder to find).  She is part of a well-respected practice, too, which also helped my initial confidence level.

With all of that said, it doesn't change the fact that she really is tough to work with right now...especially since we are so early in the process.  I know a significant portion of that is my issues and my trauma, and is not really her fault.  I also get that a huge part of this work involves gaining and keeping the engagement of both parties.  I know that means she will have to accommodate some things from uBPDxw that are going to be hard for me.  Even if it's just entertaining some discussion about topics so that uBPDxw feels heard, while not actually endorsing or enabling the control that uBPDxw wants to exert.  The problem is that I don't trust her yet, so there is no security for me that she won't in fact end up endorsing and enabling that control.

We may very well get to where I think we need to be...where we were at the beginning of this year with the last therapist.  But it severely triggered me yesterday, and I'm going to have to find a way to keep that from happening every time we have those joint sessions.

Another possiblity is asking to meet separately with this therapist

I do think I will end up having to do that, though it may take me some time to work up to it.  I will have a better feel for next steps after I see my individual therapist tomorrow.  She had a call this afternoon with the family therapist for case consultation, and I really hope that she will have some helpful feedback for me.

mw

[GaGrl]

Can you contact the previous family therapist and ask that he/she connect and consult with the new therapist as quickly as possible? It doesn't sound as if the transition is complete.

And I'm so sorry about your mother. I lost mine a year ago, and I'm still having teary days. Be kind to yourself.

[mama-wolf]

Can you contact the previous family therapist and ask that he/she connect and consult with the new therapist as quickly as possible? It doesn't sound as if the transition is complete.

I agree that it's not complete.  I did reach out to the previous therapist's admin and confirmed that she should have all the necessary release forms, and I asked him to let me know if she needs a new payment agreement signed to cover her fees for the time to consult.  I'm hoping that will prompt a response, because I worry that if I reach out to her directly it creates an appearance that I'm trying to influence her answers.  Even though I know it wouldn't, I don't want there to be some question about that from the new family therapist or from my ex.

And I'm so sorry about your mother. I lost mine a year ago, and I'm still having teary days. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you GaGrl...I'm trying.  I'm very sorry for your loss as well.

mw

[babyducks]

hello mama-wolf

But it severely triggered me yesterday, and I'm going to have to find a way to keep that from happening every time we have those joint sessions.

I used to think of my internal triggers as these huge negatives.    Oh you should have heard my inner critic when I got triggered.   It was a field day of 'what the  is wrong with you?',   'why aren't you over this yet?'  'why aren't you more resilient than this?'   blah blah blah.   

now if I can shut up my inner critic for 5 minutes by choking the crap out of the little #$%^& and stuffing him into the sofa cushions, I can almost see triggers as a good thing.

triggers are telling me I have something I need to protect and that I am worth protecting.    this is a good thing.   it means I have identified something and know that I need to stand aside from it for a little while.   WOW for me.    coming from a family where expressing an individual need was nearly the end of the world as we know it, me saying Hey This Is Not Okay Right Now is a big deal.

Maybe you will get there with this new therapist.  maybe you won't get to where you want to be, but I think you are okay where you are.   

[mama-wolf]

Oh you should have heard my inner critic when I got triggered.   It was a field day of 'what the  is wrong with you?',   'why aren't you over this yet?'  'why aren't you more resilient than this?'   blah blah blah.   

Very relatable!  Happens to me all the time...

triggers are telling me I have something I need to protect and that I am worth protecting.    this is a good thing. 

And yes, I do somewhat recognize that these triggers can provide important information when I'm able to calm down and reflect a bit.  I was encouraged more on this in my individual therapy session today, where my T basically said she'll help me with it...that we'll decompress from those family therapy sessions, she'll help me process the emotions (which I hate doing but has to be done), and then take the information they provide back to the family therapist to ask whatever questions and provide whatever feedback is needed.

My T did confirm today that she was able to touch base yesterday with this new Family T, and that the new Family T said she had finally been in contact with the prior Family T.  So, it sounds like information is flowing, and it may not change how things are managed overall, but at least there will be better understanding of the background.

mw

[livednlearned]

My T did confirm today that she was able to touch base yesterday with this new Family T, and that the new Family T said she had finally been in contact with the prior Family T.

Sometimes when I think about your experience, it seems like the therapeutic jurisprudence approach is simply a way to keep the conflict going, rather than resolving it. The level of trauma you feel would suggest parallel parenting with minimal interaction, yet you aren't able to do that because of the interference of the court in so much of your life. Now you have a new family T who seems to be erring on the side of knocking heads, not recognizing signs of intimate partner abuse. Or, if she does, not having the skills to help navigate that.

I really really hope the background information helps you feel less unsafe in these sessions, mama-wolf.

It always felt to me like professionals in the therapeutic jurisprudence field are prone to look down on those of us in high-conflict cases. I've sat in more family courts than is normal for someone who doesn't practice family law and found it shocking how condescending the tone is toward parents struggling to co-parent with an abuser.

With my first coparenting counselor, when I wanted to know whether my abusive ex and I would be sitting on the same couch (size of a love sofa), she all but mocked me. Did I need a bigger couch?

Yes, I would like a bigger couch so I'm not sitting next to the man who asked our 9 year old son if he could borrow his baseball bat to beat me.

When I asked about confidentiality in those sessions and whether she could be subpoenaed to testify about our case in court, she said, "Ah, yes. Trust issues."

Yes, trust issues. Silly of me to want to be able to trust people I don't know, and who I will be paying $250 an hour to potentially testify against me, putting my child at risk.

I expressed concern about protecting my safety and she pointed out that I had not filed for a restraining order, nor had my ex been charged with domestic violence.

Yes, stupid me! I guess if you choose to not escalate a situation because professionals suggest that's wiser, there will be a bench of other professionals just as likely to scold you for not escalating. You are a dummy either way. It's not the system, it's you, the person leaving an abusive relationship.

I completely hear you on the serious invalidation that can happen. It's tricky to leverage what they can offer while minimizing the re-traumatization they are enabling in the name of therapeutic intervention.

If it's any consolation, I also experienced a judge who performed a facade of fairness because he knew that aligning with me would increase conflict, which was accurate. He reprimanded me in court one time for not understanding how the DMV worked, when I was back in court trying to get n/BPDx to sign the title of my car over to me, per the order. Wtf?

Then he would praise n/BPDx for a, b and c.

But rule in my favor.

So confusing.

Do you sense something like that is happening?

Did you feel the last family T was becoming effective once she got a better handle on the dynamics? I know it's hard to tell what they think, but maybe you could sense a shift that indicated more accurate insight into BPD dynamics?

[mama-wolf]

lnl, thank you for sharing all that, and I'm so sorry for what you went through with those providers.  I know how hard it is on my end even without the fear for my own physical safety.

It's tricky to leverage what they can offer while minimizing the re-traumatization they are enabling in the name of therapeutic intervention.
...
Did you feel the last family T was becoming effective once she got a better handle on the dynamics? I know it's hard to tell what they think, but maybe you could sense a shift that indicated more accurate insight into BPD dynamics?

Yes, that's the difficult balance to maintain, and it's especially hard when having to "onboard" a new provider.  And I do think the prior Family T eventually got a handle on the dynamics.  We were in a stable place for quite some time where she was able to contain the demands, expectations, and behaviors...up to the point where uBPDxw started dating her new fiancé and was emboldened enough to just quit family therapy because she wasn't getting what she wanted.  And now she's even more emboldened because she gets this "fresh start," and she probably even thinks its going even more in her favor based on my struggles in the first parenting session.

If it's any consolation, I also experienced a judge who performed a facade of fairness because he knew that aligning with me would increase conflict, which was accurate. He reprimanded me in court one time for not understanding how the DMV worked, when I was back in court trying to get n/BPDx to sign the title of my car over to me, per the order. Wtf?

Then he would praise n/BPDx for a, b and c.

But rule in my favor.

So confusing.

Do you sense something like that is happening?

In retrospect I was able to see that this was what was happening with the first Family T...especially once she got the full picture.  There may be some element to it even with this new Family T, but it's so early I think she really is trying to be as open as possible in developing her own assessment (even with the history from the other providers).  I can only hope that the learning curve is much shorter for her this time because of that history...and because some of the behaviors are already clearly on full display, as shown in my other thread.

I hope...

mw