Blame from therapist

[Mary Jean]

It is so great to have found this site. I am the mother of
a 48 year old daughter diagnosed with  BPD four years ago.
Our relationships pretty much ended 3 years ago I when our daughter accused my husband and me of being inadequate parents. We were dumbfounded. We have worked with a family therapist who
wants to help blame us for her illness. I will not continue to
work with a therapist who looks at me like I am criminal.

There is considerable mental illness in my husband’s family.
In fact my husband’s mother was hospitalized in a state
facility for a year because of her illness.

I very much resent my daughter’s and the therapist’s accusations. I realize how she is suffering, but I will not apologize for crimes I did not commit.

We have worked with 4 therapists who either are totally ignorant about BPD or are accusing and non-supporting.


My daughter has chosen to be estranged from us
for the last 3 years.

I came from an abusive childhood situation, yet I never developed a personality disorder. I was a teacher for
26 years. I was and am committed to validating children.
None of this makes any sense to me. My daughter and her family moved 1300 miles away. I have see my grandchildren
once during those 3 years. My other daughter facilitated the visit with parent permission.

I am working with NAMI chapter to gain knowledge and support.

The good news is my daughter is doing much better from what here sister tells me. Maybe we should remain estranged;
she is happy without us.

Any one have any pearls of wisdom or encouragement to share.
I am very knowledgeable about BPD. I have studied this extensively. Does any parent know how to parent a child
who may become borderline?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wannabeamomma]

I relate to your feelings. I was a devoted mother who always put my bpd 26s’s interests and needs first. Knew he had issues early on (highly sensitive) but he thrived (so it seemed) by the time he was in middle school so believed all would be well.  I use to be the best momma in the whole world. Now he seems like he hates the sight of me.
He began acting out in daycare at age 3 or so. Tantrums and throwing chairs.  Severely spanked with a wooden board  by his pos dad, who was an emotionally abusive father. We separated and divorced when he was four.
More outbursts in kindergarten, including being carried to the principal’s office kicking and screaming. Prone to emotional outbursts and tantrums over things for which most children would merely express unhappiness or upset. He was highly sensitive.  He was bullied and picked on.
 I began my own business from home when he was in kindergarten so he would not have to ride the bus or go to day care, which he hated because the kids were too loud and picked on him. Made his lunch every day because he hated the school food. Helped him with his homework every night until his was around 8, Went to very school event, team sport event, etc, throughout his childhood. Even brought him McDonald’s and treats occasionally when he was in grade school. Doted on him probably too much.
But he blossomed in middle school.  He became popular at school and was the star athlete. He graduated at the top of his class and got academic and sport scholarships.
Things started falling apart in college. He was no longer the star athlete and big man on campus. He came back home and went back a year later. He hated the dorms and school food so we paid for his own apartment. He was depressed and went to one therapist but nothing came of it.
He wanted to change to a different college and we agreed.  We bought a very nice house so he didn’t have to live in a dorm or apartment and had a yard for his dog. He graduated and was picked to be a graduate assistant.  He also got a management job in the physical fitness industry.
Then Covid hit.  He lost his job immediately. No internship. We continued supporting.  He was struggling and desperate to start making on his own, so he said. Took a job in a field totally unrelated to his background and quit within weeks.
Last December. out of nowhere, he decided to break up with his girlfriend and move to another state for another woman who convinced him he could get work there. Nothing. He’s living with her (and young daughter) her brother and her - get this- emotionally abusive father.  
Three months in, he called and said he needed help. He needs therapy. So I tell him come home we’ll get you some help.
He comes home and is so happy and relieved. Within a month or so, he’s telling me I neglected him  (I loved his step father more) and abused him as a child. Rages and threats of suicide. Few screaming matches with h.  H ended up in hospital with stress related ailments. Never tried communicating with his dad but had immediate falling out with half sister and step brother and no further contact. Was close to his gm but never called her.  Sometimes talks with cousin who had extremely tragic life so far but seems more normal than my son. Still speaks everyday with girlfriend that lured him to her state and clearly thinks I’m a terrible mom.
Claims he cuts and burns himself.  Says he feels empty, worthless, hates himself and everybody.  Passed out during a rage.  Hid out in his room and got stoned all day. Stopped going to therapist who said he had bpd with narcissistic tendencies. Tried another therapist and he gave up. Blames me because I insisted (after me seeing two different therapists) he get at least part time work. Says he can’t do therapy and work part time too.
Formally diagnosed with ptsd with severe depression in October. He showed me the psychologist’s report and I think he purposely left out much information, especially his rages and self loathing.
He started his own personal trading business in January. He is very knowledgeable and good with putting on a good face around others. Moved out last month and we are paying everything but his apartment expenses until December by agreement to give him a leg up.
Had lunch with him (his invite but I think he only did so bc he wanted me to bring him something from our house) and he was devoid of any visible emotion. He’s making nice probably only while we are assisting him financially.
I cannot express my grief.  I thought I was doing everything I could to set him up for a happy life. I worry about him constantly. I am reading the posts here to try to figure out what to do going forward. Try to get back to momma or accept that my son will never see me that way again?

[Tanager]

Hi Mary Jane,

It is so hard to respond to blame like this.  Like wonnabeamomma in last post I felt like we were loving, devoted  parents to our daughters. Then, like you, we were dumbfounded  by my younger daughter's view of us. I chalked it up to teenage angst at first. Then inadequate mental health resources hurt more than helped. She's now 26, and seems to be getting good help in an eating disorder treatment center. I am sure the therapist considers us the cause of my daughter's problems- she doesn't hear our perspective.  We have spent the last 10 years trying to help our daughter, dealing with so many crises. This at the expense of other important relationships, work,and our own health.  I don't expect gratitude - I just want my daughter to realize that she is and always will be loved.

[hi:)191abc]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and hurting. I don’t have any answers for you unfortunately, but you are not alone. I have read many posts on here of good parents whose adult child thinks they were horrible. My son had symptoms in middle school and high school and I took him to a therapist thinking it would help. The therapist asked me to come into a session and told me I need to get therapy, he’s very concerned with how I’m parenting. I was in shock. I’ve been a good mom, given everything to loving my kids. I had no idea what my son told him. The therapist didn’t even want my story and just believed his lies. The therapist told me if I were to act like ‘the giving tree’ my son wouldn’t have any problems. That’s a horrible book, showing a tree giving up itself entirely and the boy is still unhappy and unthoughtful. After that my son got worse and used that as support there was nothing wrong with him, it was all my ‘horrible’ parenting. Now he’s an adult and rarely speaks to me.  He has told his girlfriend lies about me and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t think any of us know what to do with these alternative realities or how we are portrayed to others. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to do what is in my control. Best of luck to you.