Hi everyone!
You have all been so helpful guiding me through the divorce and detaching from my BPD ex wife.
It’s now been almost 10 months (hard to believe) since she left. The divorce is final and I no longer have any contact with her in any way nor do I want to.
I’ve been in therapy for the ptsd she caused me, every week (with a few exceptions), since she left. My therapist, family, and friends all think it’s time for me to start looking for a relationship again.
I agree. I no longer feel FOG or emotionally attached to my ex. I understand what happened and the part I played and how not to repeat the same mistakes (mostly how not to ignore the same red flags and be a caretaker to someone who is abusive, how to have proper boundaries, not enable, not tolerate abusive behavior, and believe actions not words).
I have had many people in my community offer to help me find a healthy woman to date. I definitely want to get married again and raise a family, so I do need to move on as soon as I can do so in a healthy way. I plan on still going to therapy to make sure I keep healing and don’t repeat the same mistakes. I feel myself again and like it’s becoming unhealthy NOT to move on.
But somehow I have a mental/emotional “block” of sorts. I want to find someone new, but am hesitant to put myself out there. I know that, with my new skills and proper boundaries, I won’t fall for another cluster B, but something is still stopping me, and it’s frustrating.
Has anyone else experienced this? How did you get over it? Any ideas?
Thanks everyone, and to those earlier along than me in the journey/detaching, please stick with it, it does get better!
Hello again my friend.
As you know I went through very similar experience except that I have a child with my ex so I had to detach while keeping some sort of contact. That process was excruciating and there was so much pain but it was the only healthy way. Rebounds are not a choice for me personally.
There was a time were I was detached but had the same problem. What worked for me was my second therapist advice “it’s ok to go out on a date even if it goes no where”.
I started on going on dates with any woman I find attractive and reasonably safe then filtering through the red flags. Eventually had some intimate moments and that helped me detach on a deeper level than before. If you go out on a date it doesn’t mean you are bound to have a relationship. You go out with honest intentions and see what happens.
This worked for me, my ex tried to recycle me and bait me and this time around I was solid. I don’t think about her in intimate ways anymore. In a little over 2 months of going on dates I started being more open to intimacy from other women. Then I found myself even willing to be vulnerable with my feelings again.
Your mind is in the right place but your feelings are not. Give them a push by soliciting dates. Regardless if you are ready for intimacy or not. Just the idea of seeing a woman who gives you attention will help greatly in making you realize that what you were put through by your ex is not what you deserve.
I now look back on the days I missed my sadistic ex and wonder “what was wrong with me” but we all know how their brain washing tactics work. You just have to break free on a deeper level.
