How is my ex FINE?

[lovingmyself1st]

My ex has BPD (in therapy, medicated, takes care of herself). She recently ended things with me (see my Abandonment Hurts post for the awful details). Everyone says she seems...fine (except her closest friends/family who she has pushed away). How is she fine? She just went through a giant trauma PLUS ending a really good relationship. It is baffling to me that she can just move on and be ok. No tears, little emotion, just a happy mask. I feel like she wants everyone to see that she made it through this hard season without breaking down, without losing it, without asking for help. It's like she wants people to see her as confident & happy in a time when people would expect her to be having a really hard time.

So confusing.

[Andy1963]

Hi
I can totally relate
The reason she is fine is because BPDs don't actually connect in the way you or do
She lacks object constancy,  so for her, she only related to the moments and times you were physically together
My ex behaves as if our 4 plus years together meant nothing
Yet I'm falling apart and missing her so much
But its how they are, a complete inability to form a proper bond stemming from stunted emotional growth as a child
Like you,I struggle to understand it but I do know why it is
Just do what I'm doing and focus on you

[AdRock]

She may or may not be fine.  It is not something you are going to be able to know because you are not in her head.  I understand the hurt of it.  My ex claimed I was the "final guy" and there would never be anyone she wanted but me.  But we haven't talked in over two and a half weeks and she says she is trying to get better on multiple fronts.  But who is to say, because I am in the dark again as you are now.  It is not easy and it will hurt but you have to focus on yourself.  There is no other option.  If she comes back to you, you have to be in a position to know what you want and what is best for you.  That is easier said than done, believe me.  I wake up hoping she will reach out every day.  But you got to keep going.  Stay strong.

[once removed]

it is always easiest for the person initiating the breakup.

why? because in coming to the decision to breakup, they have already grieved the relationship, at least in part.

and the person on the receiving end often feels like the rug has been swept under them. often times, they never saw it coming, and theyre left blindsided, confused, hurt, and in search of answers.

knowing this doesnt go very far in taking the edge off of the pain, but it is, in part, by finding those answers that we heal.

She may or may not be fine.  It is not something you are going to be able to know because you are not in her head.

i agree with this.

people with bpd traits are especially good at compartmentalizing. certainly, people with bpd can over share, and wear their heart on their sleeve, but publicly grieving is, often times, not something they like to do. my own ex just told stunned friends that our breakup was a long time coming. she wasnt wrong - but she was also just repeating a line shed heard me say about someone else. its not something she really wanted to get into or deal with.

i went down the rabbit hole of seeing my ex appearing to be "fine", and searching for signs that she wasnt. the honest truth is no one really knows, and theres no sense in torturing yourself with a perception of what you cant really know.