DIL has BPD and my grandson is suffering

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am a daughter of a bipolar father and the sister of a bipolar brother. I grew up around mental illness and am aware of the pain it can bring.
10 months ago, my son’s girlfriend gave birth to my first grandson. They were broken up at the time she found out she was pregnant. Her mother kicked her out when she wouldn’t agree to have an abortion. We were aware that she had been diagnosed with BPD in her early teen years. She had an extremely broken relationship with her parents and every textbook symptom of BPD. She and I became close and I supported her throughout her pregnancy. Although there were times of explosive behavior, suicidal tendencies and compulsive abandonment behaviors, the baby was born healthy!
Since delivery, it has been a consistent explosion of behaviors. I have been “babysitting” my grandson every day, despite his mom’s willingness to work. Her explosive, violent behaviors have been getting more frequent the past few months. They will drop the baby off at midnight because she’s out of control and getting him in and out of the crib repeatedly during fights. She is obsessive about issues in their relationship from years back. She posts horrible, accusatory lies on social media about our family and spirals for several days each time she has an episode. I typically have my grandson until she comes out of it. I started documenting the episodes to see how frequently they are happening, and it’s consistently every 2 weeks at this point.
I’m mostly concerned about my grandson’s safety. I don’t know if I should try to intervene and insist on treatment (she refuses to medicate or seek treatment against her doctor’s recommendation). I am a grandparent with basically no legal rights, however, I have the baby more than anyone.
I’m just needing advice. I don’t want my grandson to get hurt or neglected. I simply don’t know how to help.

[GmaofRiv]

I am a daughter of a bipolar father and the sister of a bipolar brother. I grew up around mental illness and am aware of the pain it can bring.
10 months ago, my son’s girlfriend gave birth to my first grandson. They were broken up at the time she found out she was pregnant. Her mother kicked her out when she wouldn’t agree to have an abortion. We were aware that she had been diagnosed with BPD in her early teen years. She had an extremely broken relationship with her parents and every textbook symptom of BPD. She and I became close and I supported her throughout her pregnancy. Although there were times of explosive behavior, suicidal tendencies and compulsive abandonment behaviors, the baby was born healthy!
Since delivery, it has been a consistent explosion of behaviors. I have been “babysitting” my grandson every day, despite his mom’s willingness to work. Her explosive, violent behaviors have been getting more frequent the past few months. They will drop the baby off at midnight because she’s out of control and getting him in and out of the crib repeatedly during fights. She is obsessive about issues in their relationship from years back. She posts horrible, accusatory lies on social media about our family and spirals for several days each time she has an episode. I typically have my grandson until she comes out of it. I started documenting the episodes to see how frequently they are happening, and it’s consistently every 2 weeks at this point.
I’m mostly concerned about my grandson’s safety. I don’t know if I should try to intervene and insist on treatment (she refuses to medicate or seek treatment against her doctor’s recommendation). I am a grandparent with basically no legal rights, however, I have the baby more than anyone.
I’m just needing advice. I don’t want my grandson to get hurt or neglected. I simply don’t know how to help.

[Methuen]

Can you describe what you mean by her "explosion of behaviors"? 

Does she get violent?

Is the baby a "quiet" baby, or does the baby ever have colic?

[GmaofRiv]

She has gotten in the baby’s face and screamed on a couple of occasions. She throws things, hits my son and sometimes tries to leave with the baby. She will wake him up in the middle of the night when she’s angry and yelling. That can go on for hours, putting him in and out of the crib. Her yelling upsets him, so he’ll cry from that. Thankfully, the baby has been an easy baby. No colic.

[Methuen]

I think it's win-win-win for you/her/baby that you are able to do so much "babysitting".

A crying baby is likely to stress her out.  

Show your love to the baby when you and baby are alone.  My advice is to not let her see that when she is around.  Eventually, she will become jealous, and when a BPD is "hurting" they need to hurt someone else.  If she wants to hurt you, she may say you can't look after the baby any more.

So I would suggest you let her think you are looking after the baby because it's convenient for her (make it about her), not because you are in love with the baby.

Your bonding with that baby is the most important thing you can do for the baby.  

This includes taking the baby at midnight (without question or judgement) when they drop it off.  

You are an amazing grandma.  

The child is so blessed to have you.

But in it's mother's presence, it might be an idea to keep the "loving" under wraps so she doesn't become jealous.  Try to focus on her in a positive way, rather than the baby, when she is around.  I don't know what other's think, or if they agree.  Just an idea (...an ounce of prevention...)

[Notwendy]

Yes, thank goodness the baby has you.

I agree with Methuen, the mother needs to believe you are on "her side". Be careful to be supportive of her. It may mean biting your tongue sometimes but for the baby's sake it's best to stay in mother's good graces. Don't react to what she says - it's more about her than you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I second what Methuen says.

I had a nanny for my kid a couple years back. She was a grandmother and had taken care of her granddaughter every day from 6am til 5pm for three years. As it turned out, the mother was BPD and when she noticed how close her daughter was with her grandmother(the little girl always wanted to see her grandma, didn't want to leave her house... With reason, she was a bit scared of her mother and very attached to her grandmother), she pulled her off from grandma's house and put her into day care. My nanny had very limited contact with her granddaughter after that point. From everyday to once a month, and just when the mother couldn't find anyone else. Broke her heart.

As hard as it is, it is sometimes better to bite our tongue and say nothing if it means you can stay in baby's life and be a safe loving connection for baby.

Also, I would look into the laws in your region... If it ever feels like baby is not meeting the milestones, or seems in distress, if it ever feels like the abuse is so much that it becomes dangerous to baby... Maybe there is something to do? Do you have any reason to believe she could be dangerous to her baby during her episodes?

My heart broke, reading this. Babies and children are just looking for love, for a safe bond... He is lucky to have a loving grandmother to give him the stability he requires.

[GmaofRiv]

Thank you for the advice! As each of you brought up, my DIL always threatens to take the baby elsewhere for care when she’s having an episode. Thankfully, she always brings him over and will leave him with me for several days if she’s reeling and unable to care for him. I realize she has an illness and so I always keep my mouth shut (except for my poor husband…he gets to hear my frustrations). I make sure  that my daughters don’t respond or comment on her hateful social media posts and always try to diffuse extended family members when they see her destructive posts.
 It’s difficult to see my son suffer in a relationship where he’s constantly accused and attacked. He’s super easy going and I can see how it’s wearing him down. It would be ideal for my DIL to get on medication and start consistent therapy, but her own parents seem intimidated by her. I don’t believe she’d be accepting of me suggesting that she seek help for the sake of her son. It sounds like the best option is for me to just be a silent supporter of my grandson!