Time doesn't heal, awareness does

[wllmsrvvr]

Hi everyone,

I started of this text by saying that time doesn't heal everything, because that's what really applies to my situation. I've read a lot of stories about bpd and I recognize a lot in the most of those stories, so I will try not to write a copy of the most common traits and similarities.

The thing which keeps me hostile for years is the shame and pain I feel, as a guy, by the way how she forced me to cross my boundaries sexually. I know that she did that because she needed this as a way to feel validated and take control over me. She didn't accept "no" and got unreasonably angry and rejecting if I told her I didn't want to do anything sexual yet. I feel ashamed because I felt manipulated, forced and overwhelmed with fear. This should be the dram of every guy right? But its not! Yes, I also know that I was prone to this because of my sensitivity to this kind of people and the trauma bond connected to it; I know fairly (almost) all of the psychological and attachment conditions which had lead to this situation. Still I suffer immensely on daily basis with the void in my inner core. I haven't been in any intimate relationship ever since and no matter how kind and loving people are, I can't let anyone in till so far. I wasn't perfect before this relationship, but I did had a lot of energy, friends and almost no social anxiety at all. Everything has changed and my health is still very bad ever since.

I recently started talking about it, but it actually makes me incredibly scared. I feel misunderstood because I'm a guy, physically stronger than my ex and I feel unmanly because I feel sexually traumatized by giving it to sexuality under negative pressure while I didn't feel safe. I also feel ashamed because I see she really couldn't behave differently and she was in her own kind of dissociative movie. I am very aware of the innocence, because I know that she didn't knew what she did at that time. But still, my body has experienced this as going far beyond my borders, especially the way how she acted. She has been abused herself, so she tried the same things with me, which were far above my standard. I had never experienced anything like this, especially not the manipulation around it regarding to sexuality.

While writing this, I start to realize how intense her behavior was and that she really copied her own abuse 100% on me and I have felt that completely. The forcing, getting angry with me, threatening to leave or reject me and totally and the intense diproval, made me do things I didn't want to do. Not because I'm a-sexual, but simply because it's emotionally very painful when the situation is unsafe. But I did it, dissociated after three months, lost 15kg's and lost a lot of health afterwards. And as far as I know, I have not been abused as a child or anywhere in my past. But I feel exactly the same as other people I speak to who have had this experience. I was 22 at the time this happened, but since that time, it changed my life 100%. The worst thing I still experience is one big change: before I went into the relationship with her I "gained" energy when I was alone. After the relationship with her I "lost" energy while being alone.

Okay, till so far. I don't know if this helps me or anyone. I hope it does. Thanks a lot for this opportunity.

[Riv3rW0lf]

wllmsrvvr,

Words honestly cannot express how sorry I feel that you went through sexual abuse.

Please, do not gaslight yourself on account that you are a man "stronger than she was". Sexual abuse is sexual abuse, and there are many ways to abuse someone sexually, and it is not always  under physical threats. The end result is the same: you are violated in your own body, and it hurts beyond reason.

Our society has this terrible tendency to minimize sexual abuse suffered by men, and it is an irreparable mistake we are making, and as a woman, it honestly angers me terribly when I hear women saying things like : "but you are a man, you should be loving this". This is invalidation and a terrible, terrible way to approach pain and violation.

We could also add that men are not always in the mood, and sometimes they are just not excited and it has nothing to do about the woman, who will too often guiltrip them, making it about themselves not being sexually desirable, increasing the pressure to perform and to love it. Men are under terrible pressure, which is another story but still some kind of abuse in my book.

I have recently recuperated memories of my own, and sexual abuse can be done in many different ways. I have also never experienced rape as a violent physical thing. But I've been assaulted twice, once as an adult, once as a teenager, and as a child. In all cases, I dissociated to prevent physical harm. The end result is the same: I now sometimes hide to cry after sexual encounters, because some encounters trigger me for some reasons. At some periods in my life, I became, ironically, incredibly promiscuous, basically treating sexuality like it was nothing... so the pain would hurt less. If it meant nothing, then it made the violation less heavy to carry too.

Only recently have I truly confronted my demons, and cried them out. I have validated the pain, and comforted myself. I have been honnest with my husband, to help us both enjoy our intimacy together. I basically stopped gaslighting myself, and allowed myself time to heal.

The first step, you are right, is awareness. Then, validation, and self-compassion. I feel that for men, compassion might be harder to give to yourself, if only because of our society's brainwash about men and sexuality and how you couldn't possibly be abused because you are stronger. This is a load of crap. Be kind to yourself, you didn't deserve any of this. Validate yourself.

Again.. I am so very sorry she took this from you and I stand with you in your healing journey.