help for guilt with LC

[SandyR]

Hi. First time poster. My undiagnosed BPD sister has spent 8 years blaming me or my mother for everything wrong in her life. I moved to another state with my spouse/kids because that was the best choice for our family, but she claims I abandoned her. After years of phone conversations or text conversations that would start out ok then break down into screaming fights or long text diatribes (her saying in many ways that I am thoughtless and horrible and selfish, or lecturing me on something), I said, enough. I would feel my blood pressure rise whenever I dialed her number, so I reduced it, then basically stopped. During the last conversation, I said she could let me know when she wanted to set up an online meeting to talk to my kids, but she hasn't (she said my request that we set it up a few days ahead of time and be early evening were too stressful). I didn't say anything to her, I just haven't called. She hasn't either. I guess this is low contact.

Now I just feel guilty. I think she has a few friends still, but I'm not sure. I fear she is alone. I kind of want to call...but then my blood pressure starts to rise... but then I feel like people must think I'm a terrible person and abandoned her. But they don't understand the emotional hurricane. I'm not sure what to do. The guilt can be overwhelming. Thanks for any advice.

[Methuen]

Hi SandyR.  From what you have described, you have done the right thing.

Stay in your lane.  Do not switch lanes.  Yes, the FOG is bad.  Believe it or not, it will pass faster if you stay in your lane.

What you are doing here is keeping your own boundary to stay feeling emotionally safe.  Sound about right?

Her decisions are hers.  PwBPD often make bad ones.  You can’t rescue her.  She needs to figure it out her way and in her time.

You are allowed to move away and have a life with your family.  She is an adult, and needs to find her own way through her feelings. 

You offered to set up a visit between her and your kids.  That was kind.  She rejected it.  Let her sit with that for a while.  Give her time to self soothe.

Do something kind for yourself or your family today.  Do an activity or a hobby that makes you feel good.

[Riv3rW0lf]

SandyR,

 

I just want to echoe what Methuen said, and let you know that you are not alone, and that we get it.

Truthfully you are not and were never responsible for your sister's well-being, despite her making you believe it, and pressuring you to take responsibility for her emotions, guilt and shame.

The only power you have is on yourself, so take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself.

Yes, people might talk and yes, your sister might lie to them and triangulate them against you. But this is on them. And anyone willing to believe someone berating someone else behind their back and painting them as horrible human beings, without knowing them, is probably not a friend you want.

I personally steer clear of people that are too negative and seem to hold grudges, or act as victims. Anyone interested in playing savior with your sister and to believe her when she says you have abandoned her is not someone you should feel like you have to obtain validation from.

Take care of yourself and of your family.

[SandyR]

Thank you for these thoughts, they are very helpful, especially regarding the FOG. I just can't change her thinking or how she views me, and whenever I've tried to talk to her I end up doing/saying the wrong thing that results in another tirade. I've apologized a million times, but nothing works, im still the bad one who abandoned her. My school aged kids are getting older and asking why we haven't seen her in years...pretty soon I'll have to explain it to them, and I'm not sure how. I'll look on the site, or if anyone has resources, please post. Thank you again.

[kells76]

Hi SandyR;

You can check out this book, written for school age kids, and see if it's appropriate for your situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56239.0

While I have not read it, I hear it is one of the few books about BPD intended for children. I believe the context is mother-child versus other adult-child, so again, maybe give it a read first to see if it is right for your family.

Best;

kells76