What I Wish I Could Say To You

[AdRock]

"I believe it's your daughter's birthday today.  I don't know why that matters to me at all except you wouldn't have her unless you and I had had this very unusual relationship all of these years.  You keep appearing in my dreams, always in different roles and none of them make sense.  Nothing about this makes sense to me.  I can still feel you in my soul and gut and that makes your absence that much harder.  I try to remind myself all of the advice I have gotten about you.  What is most likely going on in your world now.  Nights are the worst when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep and I know you're awake right at the moment.  Do you even know how badly I have to fight the urge to call you, when I know you're wide awake?
Are you sober now?  Are you really with a new guy?  Are you actually happier now than with me?  Are you getting better or or worse?  I wonder all of these things.  Torture myself with horoscopes and tarot readings for guidance and do anything I can to not reach out to you.  Your birthday is coming up.  I had such ideas of spoiling you that day.  Are you gone for good now?  Did my honesty reach to deep inside of you to want to acknowledge those feelings I bring out in you again.
I wonder.  These days, all I do is wonder.  And I wonder why I can't think of anything else to do."

... What I wish I could send to her now.  What I wish she cared to hear.