My BPD mother has resisted assisted living as well. It's been recommended to her and at one time I thought it would be a good situation for her but now, I know it would not be. Her need for control would cause conflicts with staff. I think this is similar to your situation Methuen. Assisted living would meet their needs theoretically and even be good for them socially, but it's not a good fit due to their personalities. They could be happy if they chose it but they don't want it.
Maybe. But maybe not.
I remember Cat telling the story of her mom’s resistance , but once she got there she was happy and Cat never heard a negative thing about the facility.
This is my working theory explanation:
You know how a pwBPD can “feel” something (eg bf is having an affair, or, I will be abused in assisted living), and then that feeling becomes a fact for them?
Once this feeling is their fact, their mind is closed.
…Until this misplaced fact is proven otherwise (gf takes bf back and the r/s continues).
My dad lived in the local facility for the last year of his life. The staff were amazing, and my mom said so ( with the exception of one person who left the job).
So it makes zero rational sense that my mom says people get abused there. She knows this wasn’t the case with my father because she spent time with him up there every single day, and knew every staff member. (I believe optics and her image had something to do with that, because when he was still at home she was calling him a retard - he had dementia). She also had good things to say about the staff. Granted the dementia ward and assisted living are different parts of the same facility. But they are managed by the same people.
Our assisted living facility is a good one.. I have been there. They have wonderful people working there and I know this because I know these people and some of them are also former students - top quality caring, nurturing, smart people with integrity - exactly the type I will want looking after me if I ever need a facility one day.
But mother is only guided by her fear - that she will be abused there. And that fear is her fact - that abuse already happens (even though she never saw it when my dad was there). Even though her husband lived there and he was well cared for physically, medically, emotionally. By the way, where I live, emotional needs are recognized…
You can’t argue with someone’s imagination, or irrationality, if they refuse to be rational, or don’t have the capacity to be rational. Their mind is closed.
But here’s the thing. Once their fear is disproven and they are happy, they can “flip”. Eg. Gf takes bf back.
I don’t know what happened with Cat’s mom - why she was resistant, or why she was happy once she got there. But there was a flip.
Maybe with your mother there wouldn’t be a flip. But with mine, we are all certain there would be, because we know her, and we know the facility and people who work there.
Ironically, our assisted living facility was initiated and built because of the work done by the husband of one of mom’s best friends. In fact, the facility has his last name.
She is just irrational. And self-depriving. Inside she has no self worth because her father taught her she was worthless. She does a lot of self- sabatage. And it’s futile to try to talk logically with an irrational person. We all know what happens.
So she lives her life in loneliness and pain. It could be so different, but this is her choice and she is in control.
