My younger sister has BPD and I'm not sure if I'm helping the situation or not

[Em99]

My younger sister has BPD. She's always been... difficult, but she received an official diagnosis around 5/6 years ago when she was around 16. I've always tried very hard to be empathetic and understanding as I know how the BPD developed. You see, we didn't have a very good relationship with our father - our parents spilt when we were very young because he abused our mother. And, whilst he never layed a hand on us, he was a very intimidating and aggressive person to be around before all contact stopped quite suddenly around 8 years ago.

The main victim of my sister's wrath has been my mother. I think it might be due to some deep-routed feelings of abandonment that may have arisen after she 'forced' us to see him every weekend. I'll admit I had some unresolved anger towards her during my teenage years for the exact same reason, but after some therapy I managed to resolve these feelings with her and recognise the situation was more complex than I originally believed. Over the years my sister has tried therapy but never properly engaged with it - she always blamed the therapist, saying they were bad at their jobs - I know this is a common trait for pwBPD so I've tried not to judge this behaviour too much (difficult, as I found that therapy was very helpful for me).

I used to be very good at managing her moods. The only times I failed at this is when she's been hurling abuse at my mum. My mother has never been good at standing up for herself when she needs to, so as a matter of principle I always fought back for her. My sister always hated that so much - she knows I'm not scared of her and that her words don't bother me during her tantrums.

Over time, our relationship has eroded because of this. She claims that we gang up on her, belittle her and make her feel isolated and depressed. The thing is, I can see why she would feel this way - especially when she believes her moods are legitimate. But the problem is, she isolates herself so much with her hostility. How can you sustain a good relationship with someone when you can't be yourself around them? We always have to be careful what we say around her for fear of her misinterpreting something and flipping out. It's exhausting to have to constantly be on guard around someone and it makes family gatherings uncomfortable, so we've just slowly stopped having them.

I suppose the reason I've decided to talk about this now is because I realised today she turns me into someone I really don't like. We always used to bicker as kids, but that's something I grew out of. I like to think I'm usually quite a mature, level-headed person but for some reason when she kicks off and becomes petty and mean - claiming we're all terrible people - I have this compulsive need to fight back and remind her of all the terrible things she's done to me or my mum. And then I do end up becoming the bad person she accuses me of being. I think the reason I struggle so much is because I think people should be held accountable for the things they do and I feel like she sometimes uses BPD as a way to justify bad behaviour, and this feels very unfair to me.

I'm conflicted. Do I cut off contact to preserve my own progress and isolate her further? Limit contact and risk further fights and confrontation? Should I just let all of her past behaviours go, even if it feels wrong to do so? Will she ever grow or learn how to be a better, more stable person if she's never held accountable or experiences the consequences of her actions? I want my little sister to have a good life, and I care about her deeply, but it worries me that so many years have passed and there seems to be no progress... Is she doomed to keep living these horrible patterns her whole life? The worst part for me is that I don't think I'm helping at all anymore, I seem to just be making things worse for everyone involved which feels awful...

Sorry to ramble on for so long. Any advise or personal stories are appreciated.

[khibomsis]

  EM99, and welcome to the family! I am sorry for what brings you here but glad that you found us.
Don't worry about your sister's choices. She makes them. She chooses to disengage from therapists and refuses to have boundaries for herself. What you are experiencing is FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. PwBPD tend to leave us feeling that way. Because it works-for them.
Worry about your own choices. Set your boundaries. Figure out what you need to make your life comfortable and set the boundaries you need to make that happen. We are here to support you through that, and if you want to share some of the "I said, she said" we can walk you through it.
You will be helping your sister by allowing her to experience the consequences of her actions. I drove my then 15-year old niece to the ER once and let her lie there until she calmed down. Called her parents to come get her and she ended up in a three week residential stay which was followed by years of therapy. She is doing great now, in her second year at college. My boundaries forced her to choose her health or losing me. It was the best thing for her.
Your thoughts?
 

[livednlearned]

My mother has never been good at standing up for herself when she needs to, so as a matter of principle I always fought back for her. My sister always hated that so much - she knows I'm not scared of her and that her words don't bother me during her tantrums.

That's a pretty common Karpman drama triangle. Your sister becomes the perpetrator, your mum is the victim, you're the rescuer.

It prevents your mum from doing what she needs to do for herself.

I used to defend and protect and rescue and try to save my mum, too. It takes a toll that's hard to see when you're the kid protecting (or trying to protect) a parent.

With mine, I just had to stop putting myself in situations where it was almost guaranteed to happen. There was no persuading my mum to stand up for herself, I simply had to change how I participated in the dynamic.

It's very painful to step away from that conflict, but I also wasn't making anything better, just expanding the target area.