How to handle the guilt…

[thankful person]

Hi all, I have been working on my inner strength, resilience and self-confidence over the past 18 months. My relationship with my wife has never been better, I have taken much of the power back. My wife is generally much calmer and I know it is a far healthier environment for my children to grow up in.

We still have blips but I am generally able to calm my wife by validating or just by not arguing/defending. But yesterday things came to a head. We have been between houses for two months and driving an hour daily to our new house for two weeks. My wife is 28 wks pregnant with our third and she feels she has nothing to wear and can’t find anything that fits or that she likes. We have had various issues with the new house, deliveries, carpet, tv etc.

So yesterday my wife just decided it was a bad day.

Fine. I’m used to it. Those are her feelings not mine. A little girl knocked on our door from over the road wanting our children to come out and play. I asked my wife what she thought. “I don’t care!” was pretty much all she had said to me all day. So I decided to take the kids out to play as they are only little. I know the advice is generally to remove the children from the toxic atmosphere and I don’t get much chance to. I also know it’s good to have friends in the community and the new neighbours have been welcoming to our family.

I knew my wife would be angry on our return. “I’ve never felt so alone!” she said. I had not comforted her after the shopping trip where she failed to find new clothes. I knew she was crying in the car but I didn’t say much because I didn’t want to encourage her anger and try to avoid her shouting if at all possible so as not to upset the children.

I just felt like such a terrible person. She still had the power to make me feel this way despite all the work I’ve done in building up my confidence. I easily go back to wishing I didn’t exist because I’m in so much pain.

I let her be, pretty much abandoning making much effort at general conversation or trying to make her feel better. The ironic thing is that her general dark mood was not even about me really, it was directed at me… but I can’t say she wanted to upset me. Because I’m not even sure that’s the case.

Today she was well and truly over it and it was almost like yesterday never happened. I didn’t need to feel so terrible! I know and I knew she “didn’t mean it” even though she was just expressing how she felt at the time. Yesterday I was thinking of posting on here, “how do I know whether I’ve done enough?” It is so ingrained in me to take my wife’s feelings seriously that I question whether I’m a good enough person and whether I support her enough. This is her favoured attack on me, that I “never support her”. But even yesterday she was unable to tell me how I could (or could have) better supported her. I have been working on not apologising or accepting blame where it’s not deserved. This helps as I can see her respecting me more now that I respect myself more.

But I wonder what I can do to help myself get through these occasional dark days. Thank you all, you’re all amazing.

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[waverider]

The more often you experience them blowing over without your involvement, the more you begin to accept them as just that, and the less you feel guilty about letting things just run their course.

Often rather than getting involved in any "counselling" I just ask do you want a hug, as that is often all the need. Something like that can be enough to flick the switch back to normal

[Notwendy]

Yesterday I was thinking of posting on here, “how do I know whether I’ve done enough?” It is so ingrained in me to take my wife’s feelings seriously that I question whether I’m a good enough person and whether I support her enough.


I think it's good that you recognize that, if your wife is having a bad day, those are her feelings.

We can have "bad days" too. The feeling of "not being enough" is one of them. Recognizing that this feeling is yours- you feel this way- is a good step because we can only control our own feelings.

I think this feeling- that can be elicited when someone we care about is having a "bad" day and blaming us- is what "pairs" us in a co-dependent way and seeing this is a first step to rationalizing the feeling. "hello me, you are feeling like you aren't enough. You've felt this way before. You are enough!".

Looking to others to determine our own self worth puts that in their hands and that's an error in the first place. Other people don't determine that. You are quite enough!

So your BPD wife is hormonal and had a bad day. You aren't perfect and might have an emotional day too. It's OK. You are still enough!

[thankful person]

Waverider, you are absolutely right and I guess it’s a bit like surfing in that regard ;) I have been surprised at how much quicker my wife gets back to “normal” since I’ve been less involved and invested in the drama… Thanks for the hug suggestion too. Sad that I didn’t think of that. I used to be a naturally affectionate person but my wife has to be in the right mood and I’d have to ask first (!) but sometimes it could help. Sad that I’ve learnt that staying silent is the best way for her to become less angry (usually).

Thanks not Wendy. I still struggle with the impossible-ness of pleasing my wife. I used to chase the impossible, trying to put my finger on what she was getting at, tried everything, tried asking every question I could think of… But I realise now how futile it was. Looking back, I’m so glad I took the children out to play that day. I have learnt so much on here that what used to be an automatic, “no way!” had now become an automatic, “yes!” I realise the children’s needs have to come above my wife’s. It makes it easier not to pander to her needs and also good for us all to get away for a bit even though I knew it would upset her.

[guitarguy09]

Yes, good call on that, Thankful Person! My wife sounds very similar (shocker haha). Sometimes I just have to let her stew and do something constructive with the kids or carry on with my day and sure as the sun rises, the next day (or the following) is usually better. Sounds like you're definitely on the right path.

[Couscous]

Hi Thankful Person,

As a recovering caretaker myself, it wasn’t until I discovered Margaret Paul’s book Inner Bonding that is recommended on this site, that things finally really clicked for me that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings, and that they are not responsible for mine.

If your wife is upset about something and is blaming you, then disengaging in a non-triggered, loving way, and taking care of yourself would be the most loving thing you could do for yourself and for her.

If she’s upset and is not blaming you, then this would be the time to ask her if she would like a hug — firm hugs are usually a good way to help regulate someone’s nervous system.

Here’s an article about this: https://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/4356/whose-feelings-are-you-responsible-for-yours-or-others.html

[thankful person]

Guitar guy, thanks for the encouragement! I’ve come such a long way since finding the forum and I know my children will grow up so much more emotionally healthy.

Couscous, thanks for the advice and article. I loved the “stop caretaking” book and I will look into “inner bonding” I think this may be what I need and I’ll look at the free resources on that site too.

His guilty feeling is his inner child’s way of letting him know that he is telling himself a lie

I am going to think about this as that’s interesting. At first my wife was not blaming me, but then she started blaming me because I failed to make her feel better. It’s been incredible how much more sane she has become, since I stopped taking responsibility for every little thing that bothers her. I just think, “it’s not my fault!” I don’t say it out loud of course! Even letting her know that I was considering whether it was my fault makes her more likely to blame me. This usually helps me to connect with her from a place of compassion and it feels like she is reassured generally from my improved emotional maturity. I know I’m still learning.

Another thing I noted recently which is slightly unrelated… My wife had an extreme emotional reaction when I suggested she was responsible for my feelings! I was discussing with her whether to change the system I use for invoicing my students. She likes to have input in my business. I do appreciate her opinions but then she does get upset if I don’t do what she says. She can’t see that it’s a conversation we are both contributing to, that I appreciate her input even though I may ultimately make a different decision.

So in response to my suggestion about the invoicing she said, “the students probably won’t go for it”. She might have said, “they might not go for it” (there was an ensuing disagreement over what she actually said). But her extreme emotional reaction was to my saying, “you’re making me feel like I shouldn’t do it…”! I tried to explain that’s just a normal figure of speech… I’m feeling something… because of what you said. Not an emotion, but a feeling about a business decision. Anyway I dropped it because I knew it was only winding her up.

[thankful person]

Another thing I have realised is that in the past, much of the time I was blaming myself for my wife’s feelings… She was actually irritated and angered at me involving myself, because she wasn’t blaming me at all. “It’s not about you!” she would scream. That has also helped, when I say to myself, “it’s not your fault” I also say, “she’s not actually blaming you here”. I know it has always been an issue of mine, to feel attacked when I’m not actually being attacked. It has really helped me to notice and break this habit.