Update on things

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone! I'm glad the site is back up and going!

So an update on things.

I haven't talked to my ex bpd for a little over a month and only seen her a time or two in public. She ignores me of course.

The other day however, my ex-wife who I'm good friends with text me. She asked if I was still together or trying to work things out with my ex-bpd. I told her no and asked why. She informed me that my ex-bpd and sent her a 4 page letter via messenger for her and my two adult sons and family. My ex-wife told me it seemed like my ex-bpd was attacking and blaming me for everything. I just told her that I have my struggles. My ex-wife didn't like the letter. She also told me that it said in the letter that it told my kids they need to spend more time with me and build a better relationship. I just said her heart is in the right place on that stuff.

A.few days later I asked my ex-wife to forward a copy to me. I read it. My ex-bpd of course blames me and points out times I got frustrated and reacted and questions why my family didn't question my behavior. Part of the letter she comes of caring too. She wants my boys and I to build a closer relationship (something I want) and tells my family about my own emotional struggles with feeling like maybe I deserve to be alone and such. I think she is doing this because she does care but then also wants to put the whole relationship blame on me so she can perhaps feel not so guilty and hopes to change their view of her.

Funny thing is, I believe I'm healing some and really I was a little proud of myself. After reading it I text my ex-wife and asked if she responded and she said she hadn't and had no intention of responding. I told her that was probably best. I also told my ex-wife I feel there is a lot more to the story on the things she blamed on me but I'm just living my life and not going to defend any of it. In the past I would feel the need to defend those things and tell my side of the story. Now I guess I'm to the point that I don't feel like it really matters and I don't feel the need to defend to anyone the things she says.

Last time we were still talking she told me she was writing a letter to them to try to 'heal things'. I didn't know if she had sent the letter or decided not to. Apparently she finally did. Interesting that she still is trying to fix things with them. My ex-wife asked why she was since we're not together. I just told her I didn't know but I guess it's important to my ex-bpd for some reason.

[Carguy]

Hey everyone! I'm glad the site is back up and going!

So an update on things.

I haven't talked to my ex bpd for a little over a month and only seen her a time or two in public. She ignores me of course.

The other day however, my ex-wife who I'm good friends with text me. She asked if I was still together or trying to work things out with my ex-bpd. I told her no and asked why. She informed me that my ex-bpd and sent her a 4 page letter via messenger for her and my two adult sons and family. My ex-wife told me it seemed like my ex-bpd was attacking and blaming me for everything. I just told her that I have my struggles. My ex-wife didn't like the letter. She also told me that it said in the letter that it told my kids they need to spend more time with me and build a better relationship. I just said her heart is in the right place on that stuff.

A.few days later I asked my ex-wife to forward a copy to me. I read it. My ex-bpd of course blames me and points out times I got frustrated and reacted and questions why my family didn't question my behavior. Part of the letter she comes of caring too. She wants my boys and I to build a closer relationship (something I want) and tells my family about my own emotional struggles with feeling like maybe I deserve to be alone and such. I think she is doing this because she does care but then also wants to put the whole relationship blame on me so she can perhaps feel not so guilty and hopes to change their view of her.

Funny thing is, I believe I'm healing some and really I was a little proud of myself. After reading it I text my ex-wife and asked if she responded and she said she hadn't and had no intention of responding. I told her that was probably best. I also told my ex-wife I feel there is a lot more to the story on the things she blamed on me but I'm just living my life and not going to defend any of it. In the past I would feel the need to defend those things and tell my side of the story. Now I guess I'm to the point that I don't feel like it really matters and I don't feel the need to defend to anyone the things she says.

Last time we were still talking she told me she was writing a letter to them to try to 'heal things'. I didn't know if she had sent the letter or decided not to. Apparently she finally did. Interesting that she still is trying to fix things with them. My ex-wife asked why she was since we're not together. I just told her I didn't know but I guess it's important to my ex-bpd for some reason.

[kells76]

Hi Carguy, welcome back --

Last time we were still talking she told me she was writing a letter to them to try to 'heal things'. I didn't know if she had sent the letter or decided not to. Apparently she finally did. Interesting that she still is trying to fix things with them.

Yeah, but -- is she? Really?

So what stood out to me is that while she tells you that she's trying to heal things with your family -- which I and I'm assuming anyone would take to mean "between her and your family", that is, between your ex and your family --

none of what you described from the letter is any of that.

It's blaming you.

If I were to say "I need to work on healing the relationship between me and my ex BF's family", what I would NOT do is use that as an outlet for blaming my ex BF, a member of that family!

How the heck would that help "fix things" between me and that family?

She says a lot of stuff that she's doing, and if one doesn't poke at it, it all sounds "legit".

She's using nice words "fix the relationship, healing" to cover up yet another outlet for blame, negativity, and not taking personal responsibility.

...

All that to say, kudos for how you handled things between you and your kids' mom.

Funny thing is, I believe I'm healing some and really I was a little proud of myself. After reading it I text my ex-wife and asked if she responded and she said she hadn't and had no intention of responding. I told her that was probably best. I also told my ex-wife I feel there is a lot more to the story on the things she blamed on me but I'm just living my life and not going to defend any of it. In the past I would feel the need to defend those things and tell my side of the story. Now I guess I'm to the point that I don't feel like it really matters and I don't feel the need to defend to anyone the things she says.

That's huge, and a big lesson for so many on these boards. We can't control what others think of us, and it says a lot about our self image and integrity when we can say "you know what, while there's more to the story than his/her side, I have nothing to defend about what I've chosen, and I'm just going to live my life". Big stuff.

How does it feel to be in that place?

[Carguy]

Thanks Kells!

You bring up a very good point! It made me think some more.

Something that I noticed in my relationship with her in the past was the Karpman drama triangle. In this letter it kept reminding me of that. In it she would tell them of my struggles and give them ideas of how to help me but then later in the letter blame me and tell them of the things I done when I was reacting to her. My reactions were not the best and I have my share of blame but in the letter it's all put on me. She only takes blame for 'enabling bad behavior' as she put it. It's like she goes back and forth from persecutor to rescuer on the triangle.

I think she does care but I also think her coping mechanisms cause her to feel that if they see her as bad then she feels she is bad. Therefore she shifts all blame to me and points out all the things she's done trying to help in order to look like the hero/rescuer hoping they see her as good so she feels she is good.

As far as reaching the point of not feeling I have to defend myself, it feels good. It feels good to not worry about it and stress over it!