LC: calm Before Storm

[Mommydoc]

Many of you know my story, but some brief context. I share Financial POA for mother and am Co Trustee of Family Trust with my BPD sister who lives far away. I am my Mothers HC POA. 99 % of the work (financial and daily care) to support my mother is on me. She visits about once a year.   I have always had a contentious relationship with my sister but didn’t recognize her likely BPD until several years ago. With my mother close to end of life, she has required increasing care and has been in assisted living with progressively increasing care needs.  As her care progressed my sister has tried to block these decisions that were recommended by the care team claiming she is 50% decision maker. She also feels I have excluded her from decision making, with held information and that my mothers care facility is negligent. There is no basis for her claims.  I have asked for her input, but  I have made decisions around my mothers care even when she disagrees and blocks. For the last several years she has threatened getting a lawyer to assure “her rights’ but that has never materialized.

Currently, we are very low contact via email, bordering on NC. My decision due to her escalating rants and accusations . During her last visit she went to the facility director where my mother lives and requested the last 7 years of bills  and was angry when the Director did not provide them to her. The Director gave me a copy for my records. She claims it is her duty as Co-Trustee to review the lease agreements and charges to assure there has not been fraudulent billing and “ refuses to agree to my mother receiving care there until she receives that.” There is no evidence of fraudulent billing. My mother continues to receive care there and her permission is not required. Based on my sisters comments I think she wants to move my mother to a less expensive facility to preserve inheritance. In May, she requested from me “all lease agreements, tax returns and “ all other financial documents for last 7 years ” for her review. I sent her the tax returns, a financial analysis of the trust assets over last 7 years, current income/expenses, and projected net worth of trust based on current costs out to mother at age 100 (prepared by an independent financial advisor) immediately. No acknowledgement of receipt. Around the time I went very LC, I also sought counsel of an elder law attorney to assure I was dotting all my i’s and crossing my T’s and was not at risk of my sister trying to move my mom from her assisted living. They reassured me, but  did identify some trust requirements that we need to update and prepared the paperwork. I let my sister know and after signing the documents they sent them to my sister 2 months ago. She ignored them. My mother has had multiple health scares including a hospitalization during that time so my attention has been on her. Last week, my sister sent another threatening email , stating  that she had requested documents last year and never received them. She asked if I was still refusing to work with her. I was certain I had sent her the documents, but she definitely gas lit me into believing I had not. She made the request on May 13, and I emailed them to her on May 17. This prompted me to check in with the trust attorney and I learned that she had not returned the trust documents. So I responded to her that I would continue to work with her on any financial decisions but it was a 2 way street and I expected her to work with me, we are delinquent in filing these trust documents and I wanted her confirmation that she received the documents and would sign them. Her response, “ what is the attorney’s hourly rate?”

Two days ago she called the attorneys office ,spoke with the junior attorney and he triggered her big time. She made her usual accusations against me.  The senior attorney became concerned by her behavior and is now encouraging me to petition to have her removed as co-Trustee. As a middle ground, I agreed to having the attorneys send a letter explaining  the expectations of a trustee to her, resend the documents and advise her to get her own attorney to review the documents if she needs reassurance. There is also an offer for a non taxable gift from the trust to cover her attorney fees. The letter went out today certified mail with a new set of documents. The letter is actually written in a firm but somewhat reassuring tone, essentially painting me as really trying to work with her, but also making it clear she needs to comply by signing the basic document update  to fulfill  her duties as Co Trustee. 

In the past when something like this happens there is a barrage of nasty texts and emails. That hasn’t happened (yet). I received a “neutral” text from her a few hours after her attorney rant with the name of a book on trusts she wants me to read. (At the time I was unaware of the rant). Since then radio silence. I am certain she has not received the letter yet.

My time invested in therapy has helped me with radical acceptance. I don’t foresee ever having a positive relationship and contrary to my normal nature, I am  “armored  up” with her.  My attorney believes 9 times out of a 10, a semi competent lawyer will help us move things along and reassure her that this is basic and standard and does not represent a threat to her. But she also mentioned that there are unscrupulous lawyers who will “ charge up a ton of hours” with no gain when they know there is a trust.  My sister has manufactured so many crazy things about me  so it is a real possibility. I fear a legal tit for tat. Even though it sounds like I am on firm ground in attempting to remove her as Co-Trustee  I don’t have the energy to go down this path. I want to focus my energy my on my mother, husband, kids and my job, the positive things in my life.

I feel like I am waiting for a bomb to explode and have no place to seek cover or protection. Any advice requested.

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
How frustrating it is that your sister is behaving so badly! I had to interview several lawyers after legal problems with my sibling, hired and fired one, before finding the right lawyer. I would suggest you ask around to find out who the ethical good lawyers are who would be worth interviewing for consults paid by the hour so you have a clearer picture of what it would possibly look like to remove your sister as coTrustee versus having to deal with her after your mother dies in settling the estate. I found lawyer searches extremely difficult to do because lawyers have many means to protect themselves from bad reviews. The key is to get the right referrals. You might start with some estate lawyers who come highly recommended and ask what lawyers they would use if they needed legal help with either removing a sibling as a coTrustee or to help with settling an estate with a high conflict sibling as a coTrustee. I find it key when dealing with a disordered family member in legal matters to have a lawyer who understands how high conflict personalites can behave badly in legal disputes, and to know how to ask the right questions to get the information you need. First you have to figure out what those questions are, which may take doing some research and informational interviews on your part. Do ask about what steps the lawyers would take to resolve your challenges, and estimated costs. I avoided the lawyers who asked for high retainer fees (around 50K) versus a reasonable retainer fee of 2,500K-3000K. The ones with the higher retainer fees were only interested in litigation, and there was really no reason to litigate my situation, according to several lawyers I talked with. Do thorough research and take your time in hiring a lawyer. I am sorry it can be so complicated, and a good lawyer is worth their weight in gold, versus the snakes who will bleed your dry without solving your problems. An ethical lawyer will not overcharge for their services. I got my case against my sibling taken care of without the litigation and in my favor, even though she had the best law firm in the area of expertise required and an excellent lawyer. I believe I pervailed in the end, because I had a creative smart lawyer and my sibling's NPD got in the way of her being able to work constructively with her excellent lawyer from a very fine law firm.

[Notwendy]

I don't have legal advice but I think you have evidence she's not cooperative as co-trustee. On one hand, it would be good to remove her, but if she gets an unscrupulous attorney, it is also possible she could argue this and drag it out which would be expensive.

It seems clear that she wants money and possibly sees that as being more of a solution to her issues than it is. I have seen BPD mother focus on things like this. She'd say things like "this vacation will be the solution to the marriage issues" .

Your sister's money issues may be due partly to not having enough, but also how she manages it  but whatever the situation, she perceives you as being the obstacle to her getting what she wants.

I wonder if there is some way to extend your sister's inheritance to her now, and arrange some sort of payment for her to accept now and them, she has no stakes in any further inheritance later. There must be some way to look at your mother's assets, estimate her care needs, and estimate an amount and the idea of getting what she wants now might appeal to her. It could also give you autonomy going forward.

This is all speculation and you would need to run this by a lawyer to be sure it won't lead to trouble. I just know that with my BPD mother, it's best to have no financial ties to her. How people handle money is emotionally influenced. Numbers are rational but with BPD there are feelings as well and trying to arrive at a mutual understanding can be difficult. If your sister resents you - I don't think any amount of logic can change her thinking.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you both. Zachira, I really appreciate your advice as I know how similar our sibling situations are. I think you were the one who made me realize I needed an attorney to represent me and not just the trust. The attorney who wrote up our family trust informally advised me of much of what you also shared and gave me several names who I explored. I am very happy with this attorney and her retainer was only $3000. She has made it very clear her goal is to avoid litigation, but there is risk if my sister wants to go down that path  and gets a lawyer who is not as ethical. She has  assigned a junior associate to manage the minor stuff, such as document prep to minimize my cost, but did jump in this week.  What gave me confidence in her, is perhaps 5 minutes into my describing my situation, she interrupted me, and said, “I need to tell you something that may be difficult to hear, but I suspect your sister has a personality disorder”. I chuckled and confirmed my suspicion of BPD, and  then she rattled off the likely behaviors.  She made the same recommendation NotWendy, as an olive branch and with hopes it might address my sisters underlying concerns. I  had a financial analysis done and though there is not a ton of money, because my mothers  income is adequate for her expenses, it is safe to distribute money upfront and financial advisor agreed with it as long as we evaluate annually. This suggestion  is included in the letter. My husband thinks she will turn it down, just to be argumentative and because she is so distrustful and always a victim, but it will be very interesting to watch and see.

I can’t help but feel this could be the beginning of a 4 ring circus with my sister. I have enjoyed low contact. My mom has not been doing well, and I have tried to keep her informed about all of the circumstances of the last 2 months. There has been little to no questions about how mom is doing, no expressions of concern or even acknowledgement of her medical condition and the seriousness. Maybe that is a good thing, as it may represent her acceptance of me as HC POA, but when I send a message explaining a treatment for a serious condition and her response is what is the lawyers rate, it blows my mind. Even through all of her disordered thinking, I believed she cared about and loved my mom. Now it just feels like she is waiting for her to die, which is really hard for me to reconcile and is so upsetting to me. I recently decided to take early retirement with hopes I can spend more time with my mother; because my role is so complex, I am required to give a full years notice to allow for a search, nominations, selection process and 6 month overlap. It is all beginning and adds a lot of emotional complexity to my life. I will be letting go of my identity as a physician and as a leader, both of which dominated the last decade of my life, particularly through the pandemic. I may also be faced with letting go of my mother and really hope she can hang on with me, so I can transition more of my time to her. She gives me incredible strength and is so inspirational to me. I am very excited about my next chapter and all the possibilities but there is a lot of mental energy required as part of  a major shift in my identity. 

I am confident that no matter what happens, I will be able to protect my mother. I don’t care what it costs. I just don’t want to re-enter the crazy circus of accusations and extinction bursts with my sister right now. Thank you for the support.

[kells76]

Hey Mommydoc, good to hear from you again 

The feel I'm getting is that you're at a point where it's no longer worth it to try and try and try to "work together" with you sis "for Mom's sake". Your sister has huge needs for engagement, even negative, so instead of your focus and energy going to Mom, your sis siphons it off -- lawyers, paperwork requests, arguments, "read this book", debates... it goes on and on. As your mom gets closer to passing, she is the one who deserves your focus and care. Your sister is technically a competent adult who "ought to" also be focusing on Mom, but instead sucks energy and focus to herself.

So the the question is, as Notwendy suggests, how to cut financial ties with Sis, as the financial route is how she keeps engaging with you and diverting your energy away from your mom and to herself.

it would be good to remove her, but if she gets an unscrupulous attorney, it is also possible she could argue this and drag it out which would be expensive.

A good question for your L would be -- what would it take on your side to cut all those financial ties. With divorce in many states, one party can go start to finish and get the divorce, even if the other party foot-drags and is uncooperative the whole time. Perhaps asking if there is a similar process for trusts could help -- a trust divorce? Otherwise, yes, I share the concern that she would prolong the process to extract as much focus and money to herself as possible, with no goal for an endpoint.

Maybe even being willing to "do whatever it takes", now, when in the past your sense of decency/fairness or "wanting to cooperate" would've held you back from some options, could help. Like, "In the past, I would never have gone X route to remove Sis from the trust, but now, I'm willing to do it". Telling your L that "now, all options are on the table" could open up some doors for faster closure than in the past.

I am confident that no matter what happens, I will be able to protect my mother. I don’t care what it costs. I just don’t want to re-enter the crazy circus of accusations and extinction bursts with my sister right now.

 

Yes, I'm really hearing that from you -- whatever it takes, whatever the cost, let's stop pretending that "the siblings can work together" and let's pull off the band-aid quickly and move to the "new normal". Better for your mom, better for you. It's quite the mindset shift. I remember your months and years of effort to treat your sister as an equal, to have the meetings, to try to keep things on track, to act as if cooperation could maybe happen. I think you know that it might "get worse" from her before it gets better, but if you can handle the plunge into that icy water and swim for a little bit, you'll make it to the other side.

Anyway, not sure if any of that is a new insight, just wanted to reach out, say Hi, and comment that it makes so much sense for you to be in this position and making these choices.

[GaGrl]

Hi, mommy doc -- it's good to hear from you.

My sibling died in 1988 (breast cancer at age 31), so my situation with aging parents was mine and mine alone. I have to say -- caring for my mother after my dad died was so much easier than fighting with Dad to make him pay for what they needed. He was typical Depression mentality and could not let go of $$$. And apparently I was the only family member willing to get him to do what needed to be done -- remodeled bathroom with handicap aids, caregiver three times a week, etc.

But he left Mom financially secure for care through end of life needs, which was needed, as she lived to 95 with her mind intact until a few weeks before her death.

As long as your elder care attorney is saying you are on the right path, I think your personal attorney and the trust attorney need to guide next steps. It certainly helps that they see her personality disorder -- certainly they see mental illness manifest in inheritance situations all the time.

You have to do what you know is needed and right, what you can look back on in five years and be at peace.

[zachira]

So glad you have found a good lawyer. I am wondering if you could get a legal agreement in which every year the finances of the Trust are evaluated and a certain amount of money is distributed equally to both you and your sister according to the financial needs of your mother and the financial health of the Trust in exchange for your sister agreeing to an irrevocable amendment to the Trust to make you the sole Trustee. I would have it made clear that your sister will not get any money until your mother dies unless she agrees to make you the sole Trustee. The best advice I can give you is you must play hardball with your sister. With my NPD sister, I made years of unbelievable concessions, allowed her to steal all kinds of money from me and ruthlessly emotionally abuse me with the help of her flying monkeys. There came a point where playing hardball was the only way to go: hire a good attorney and make no further concessions, as the concessions rewarded my sister's ongoing emotional and financial abuse of me. I was beyond shocked at the ruthless war my sister engaged in once the legal battles began including hiring someone to threaten me daily over the phone. Anything your sister does to escalate the conflict which is well documented is likely to increase your chances of getting appointed sole trustee.Do not overestimate your sister's need for the money, and how little you may have to offer to get her to agree to let you be the sole trustee. My lawyer helped me by lowering my monetary offers insisting that we start with the lowest figure we could offer, which saved me a lot of money. Sometimes we are so afraid of the rage that will be invoked when we stand up to an abuser, that we give up too much of our power and make too many concessions. My heart goes out to you. I know you are smart and capable, and just don't let wanting to be kind, fair, and wishful thinking cloud your judgment of what you need to do.

[Riv3rW0lf]

MommyDoc,

I don't have any legal advices and just wanted to extend some support.

I hear you when you say you would like to be able to focus on your mother, on your retirement, to have calm and peace in what is currently already a struggle in and of itself... Taking care of an elderly parent is not an easy feat and turning the page over what have been your normal and such a big part of who you are, by retiring, can be quite a shock too.

Sadly, your sister will not let you and I am sorry that you have to deal with such pettiness... On the other end, I am glad to learn you found a good lawyer that is aware of what BPD is, this is a tremendous asset for you, and you seem to be well equipped and supported by knowledgeable people.

While having your sister removed as co-trustee seems like the highest mountain around right now, it also seems like getting to the top of it will grant you access to the most peaceful road of all .. more peaceful anyway than continuing management of her emotional crisis and baits... Then you would be free to truly cut contact to focus on the positives of your life.

 

[Mommydoc]

Thank you so much for the support. I am trying to take it a day at a time. GaGrl, thank you for sharing your experience. When I reflect on my fathers illness and death, there were so many hard and heartbreaking moments (and many beautiful moments too).  You are right, the absolutely hardest part, by orders of magnitude was dealing with my sister. Though she has not changed, how I deal with her has changed and I hope that will make this journey with my mother easier.

The advice I got here to build better interfaces between myself and my sister has made it a lot easier. A new doctor and social worker who are willing to interact with her, my housekeeper and the memory care director who do the video calls and send her photos. Now the lawyer, who is setting expectations and documenting my “Reasonableness”/ her unreasonableness and creating the path for her removal as trustee. I  believe the right thing will ultimately happen. I like your image Riv3rWOlf of the peaceful road beyond the huge mountain. A few years ago before I had done so much personal work and before I understood BPD, caring for my parents amidst the FOG and drama, felt overwhelming and unsustainable. The current situation is definitely is taking some space in my brain, but it is less overwhelming. I am no longer even trying to predict her reaction, and I have much greater clarity that whatever her reaction is, it’s hers. I feel a sense of freedom to act solely on behalf my mother and myself and to have broken away from trying not to trigger her. Kells76, thank you so much for noticing and celebrating my progress, as sometimes it’s hard to recognize until you take a moment to reflect on it. I really appreciate yours and Zachira’s suggestions and will definitely engage the attorney, in those ideas. Right now just waiting for the reaction to the attorney’s letter. 

Anything your sister does to escalate the conflict which is well documented is likely to increase your chances of getting appointed sole trustee.Do not overestimate your sister's need for the money, and how little you may have to offer to get her to agree to let you be the sole trustee. My lawyer helped me by lowering my monetary offers insisting that we start with the lowest figure we could offer, which saved me a lot of money. Sometimes we are so afraid of the rage that will be invoked when we stand up to an abuser, that we give up too much of our power and make too many concessions.

Zachira, you have no idea how helpful that is. You paved this path and I am so grateful for your learnings and insights.

My attorney thinks there is a chance my sister with the right guidance might sign the paperwork and correct her behavior, but she has also prepared me for the other possibilities, which we all know may be more likely. One day at a time, stay tuned.

[Notwendy]

With my BPD mother, often there's a hidden agenda behind a request- a need or want she does not want to admit to, so she approaches requests in a roundabout way.

One possibility is that your sister needs money. Admitting that to you would cause her overwhelming shame. She's not going to admit that to you. It's also quite frowned upon to want an inheritance. She may feel shame for that as well. People would see that as being greedy and insensitive. She also feels inferior to you in ways and so would likely reject an agreement that perhaps infers that. But if it can be presented in a way that makes her feel important, it might go over better.

[zachira]

Something to ask your lawyer about if you decide to pursue becoming the sole Trustee is would it be in your best interests to try to get your sister to sign some kind of document in which she agrees not to ever legally oppose you being the sole trustee at some future date or to ever sue you over anything related to any legal family matters. With my lawyer, it went something like this: When he heard about the situation with my sister and my fear of never ending legal problems with her, he said we had to get her to sign a document that she would not sue me over anything related to family legal matters. I explained to him, that there were other legal matters other than the one we were currently dealing with, and the lawyer said than we would have her sign a document for this case only and when we were done dealing with all the other legal matters get her to sign the kind of document first proposed. For a long while we had the principal settlement in this case signed by my sister, and my lawyer absolutely insisted that we must have the no fault document signed by my sister which eventually happened.

[Mommydoc]

A release against future claims is a good idea. We include them in any settlement we do at work, and it makes sense here also. Thanks again Zachira.

One possibility is that your sister needs money. Admitting that to you would cause her overwhelming shame. She's not going to admit that to you. It's also quite frowned upon to want an inheritance.

I am pretty sure that is her hidden agenda, actually not totally hidden. When we were talking and trying to have family meetings, I surfaced the option of selling the last piece of real estate. I suggested it because the renters lease was up, at the time it was an incredible sellers market, and I simply thought it would be a lot less work since the property is out of state. It also seemed like it would be easier when we ultimately have to execute the will. She went nuts and said mom needed to move to a less expensive place if we were needing to sell off “family assets” to pay for her care. I backed off, not worth it. At another point, I made the comment that my view was that our parents whole goal in creating the trust was to assure mom’s needs would be taken care of once dad was not around, and that the point of the trust wasn’t to create an inheritance for us. That also triggered her. Her response was “you may not need an inheritance but I do” and went on to say the pandemic had been financially devastating for her. I chose not to probe and just said  I was sorry to hear that. I don’t ask her about her financial situation as it would create more tension. Her husbands family has money, but I think they keep their finances separate and she might have signed a prenuptial. I also make up she stays in the marriage like some of my friends have because she fears not being able to support herself. The inheritance including the real estate may be a back up plan for her. She also frequently talks about “her rights” being abused. Her other big thing is she wants to be “treated as an equal”. This is a huge thing for her and is always part of her rants, particularly when she goes off on my moms increased care services. She truly believes that her co-trustee status means she has to “give her permission” and she refuses to do so. My husband thinks that she will reject anything the attorney offers as it won’t address her need to be equal decision maker.

The way the lawyer phrased the “ financial gift”  is as gesture of good faith for both of us and as a way to cover any legal fees she might incur. She also emphasized the importance of her feeling comfortable with the documents. Since everything triggers my sister, there is no way the letter from the lawyer won’t trigger her. The question is more how she will react and if she will sign the update to the trust. I don’t care if she blows up (I am expecting it) if ultimately she signs the trust documents. I am still thinking about what you said Zachira, the more irrational and unreasonable she behaves with other people the more witnesses and documentation I have in case I need to remove her. Maybe I should just sit back and prepare to enjoy the fireworks.

[Notwendy]

Yes, I understand the irrationality. There is something about money and BPD emotions that doesn't make rational sense. My father earned a good salary, but with BPD mother we seemed to have money issues. It appears though, that he may have been saving and investing it. He left BPD mother comfortable, but also put it all in her hands. I wish he had designated a trust and trustee- (not me) but he didn't. It's also possible she wouldn't agree to  that.

When he passed away, she disowned me. Made a relative POA. Then later changed her mind and "reowned me" I have been clear about not wanting her money. Even if I were to take her to lunch and she offers to pay, I refuse. I have no access to anything, except her safe deposit box which at this point, doesn't have much of anything in it. Although initially I had hoped to assist, to help manage what she has (because she doesn't manage it well) I also realize this gives me some safety from her accusations. She asked if I had gotten into her safe deposit box, but the bank showed her the signature card as proof I have not done that.

There's an emotional aspect to money with people and the emotions with BPD can make it complicated. Your sister's financial need could be both real - in numbers- and then also emotional which makes rational decisions challenging.

[zachira]

How to sort out the emotional from the real needs? There comes a point for our own sanity in which we have to accept that the meltdowns of our dysfunctional relatives happen regardless over whether the needs are real or emotional or both. It is our job to own and manage are own emotions. We can't be constantly trying to figure out how to keep the meltdowns from happening. We do what makes sense, which may trigger a meltdown, or we do something which makes no sense and it triggers a meltdown. Mommydoc, I like how you are letting your sister take ownership of her behaviors and problems. Your statement of letting the fireworks begin, sounds like you are ready to do what you have to do to end being held hostage by your sister's meltdowns and unreasonable demands. From my experiences, with my NPD sister and legal issues with her, there seems to have come a point in which my NPD sister became afraid of me, and no longer felt embolded to act so badly, knowing that her abuses of me no longer worked for her to get her unreasonable demands met. She seems to have had no recourse except to sign the documents sent by my lawyer, as I doubt she would have been able to tolerate what she would have had to hear about herself in court.  

[Mommydoc]

She got the letter from the attorney. It wasn’t exactly fireworks, but there was drama. First thing this morning she called and left voicemails at home and on cell and a string of all cap texts insisting I call her asap. I told her I would call her at end of my work day. The 5 minutes was an hour. She wasn’t completely irrational. She was very upset that the attorney represents me and not the trust, (ie both of us as Co-Trustee). Apparently she requested the letter of agreement from the attorneys office and he wouldn’t give it to her as he told her they represent me. True.  One thing is clear, her preference is to work through things without lawyers as it will “cost the trust $34K a year” that could be preserved for inheritance. Not sure where that number came from but she repeated it over and over. Instead she suggested we can “pay ourselves $100/hour”. Later she acknowledged most of the work would fall on me.

She read a book on family trusts. Her conclusion is the trust has been terribly mismanaged.   She then read me a list of 20+ things we haven’t done as trustees and we need to work collaboratively on. Most are actually covered in the trust documents or in the documents I have previously sent her.  Some were things related to healthcare benefits and healthcare decisions. They are all things we have discussed, I have explained to her, and she just doesn’t agree with or continues to challenge.. Very circular discussion that went no where. Ugh. I really don’t want to get drawn in, and can’t figure out how to exit.

I had a therapy appointment an hour after the call, which was fortunate. One of the first things my therapist asked was how do you feel about how you showed up. My response was “great”, so why do I feel so lousy now? I just see no path forward.
 

How to sort out the emotional from the real needs?

I think I am getting there, ie, I knew the lawyer would trigger her, and I had her send the letter anyway. The lawyer said things I can’t but things she needed to hear. I think she was more measured as a result. I am convinced if I follow up on the “20 things” however that there will “40 more”. Her need for me to “collaborate” so she can feel like an equal is one of her needs. My need is to take care of my mom and not waste energy in  meeting her emotional needs through circular conversations that end up no where. The idea of getting the lawyer was to “insulate” me from this stuff, but it kind of feels like that has backfired.

In the end she made some reasonable points, but she still is very unreasonable and impossible to work with overall. In the past it was about moving my mom to a less expensive place. I had a strong sense of needing to assure stability and appropriate care for my mom. Though she ruminated on that, she seemingly has backed off that and now is focused on being my equal as Co-Trustees. Is that progress?  There aren’t really a lot of Trust decisions or issues as I have everything on auto pilot. A part of me feels like I should play along with “collaboration” but  go slow on it. Maybe she will lose interest, we can back to very low contact and my mom stays happy and secure.

I am confused and uncertain.

[Riv3rW0lf]

A part of me feels like I should play along with “collaboration” but  go slow on it. Maybe she will lose interest, we can back to very low contact and my mom stays happy and secure.

I am confused and uncertain.

MommyDoc  

You were amazing in upholding your boundaries (calling her after work), and I get the sense that you listened to her without saying much? Without promising anything?

Is it possible you are dealing with a bit of FOG right now?

I can assure you your sister will not lose interest. It isn't just about the money. Your sister likely hold resentment toward the fact your mother appointed you only as her healthcare POA (sorry is the terms aren't exact, I am not a native English speaker). It triggered her abandonment and now everything about you and your mother likely is a trigger for her emotional dysregulation. There is no coming back from this.

In all truth, the more I read your situation, the more I feel it was setup to fail, not willingly of course, but in no world would a BPD person be ok being a co-trustee for one thing and not for the other. I bet she feels left out, and might not be going to see your mother for this reason too : jealousy and resentment. She felt abandoned by your mother and her only way to express it is to push her way in by force, somehow. Anything to give herself some validation as a co-trustee: she needs to show she can be good by reading books and all, to balance the feeling of rejection. This is not about you, this is about her and her feeling of unworthiness, triggered by your mother's decisions.

I still think having her removed as co-trustee is the only way toward peace of mind in the long run, especially if you can have it done on autopilot too by your lawyer. But it will be the end of any possibility for a somewhat "good" relationship with your sister in the future... But I don't think you still had hope for this?

Just my thoughts... In the end : you need to listen to your guts to guide you toward the decision you will be most comfortable with.

[Mommydoc]

Thank Riv3rWOlf. Definitely a touch of FOG, but also radical acceptance of how far gone this situation is.

My husband easdropped and said I did 25% of the talking. I agreed to make an inquiry with my attorney regarding her request. I attempted to address and acknowledge  some of her points, without any agreements or commitments. I made it clear she needs to sign the documents. I affirmed that I didn’t want a costly legal battle, but did not back down on my right to seek an attorney to represent me.

She has said in emails and last night that I am trying to divorce her. I am not  trying to divorce her as my family member and sister, but it may be a fair to say I wouldn’t mind divorcing her as Co-Trustee. Unfortunately my parents unknowingly created this situation.

I have been pretty busy this morning juggling work and correspondence with the attorney, financial advisor and bookkeeper who is going to assist in the financial accounting. Despite the extra work and costs, I wish I had been advised to do this sooner. It appears it may be the last piece of the puzzle to demonstrate all the work I am doing and establish a strong legal position.

The attorney expressed concern with my summary of the call and has made it clear there is a huge conflict of interest for them to represent the trust and her as Co-Trustee. Having the attorney handle it would be a relief, but somehow I feel backed into a corner. I was sincere in wanting to avoid a costly legal battle or mediation, but now am being forced to be the one to make the first “legal strike” and she will view it as the ultimate abandonment.

I think the attorney is going to advise me to go to a place I am uncomfortable going.

[Riv3rW0lf]

now am being forced to be the one to make the first “legal strike” and she will view it as the ultimate abandonment.

I think the attorney is going to advise me to go to a place I am uncomfortable going.

I don't know if this will help release a bit of the guilt, but you never was the one to strike first, despite it feeling like it in the end... This is what borderline is... They fear abandonment, so she would likely never attack you legally or initiate a "end of relationship". They create abandonment in a very sneaky way... BPD forces us to abandon them, hence the guilt we have when dealing with them... And all the sorrow of the illness.

We don't want to, but we have to for our sanity...

We are always the one dealing the final strike, despite our best intention to avoid it... It is not on you, and I send you so much support through this...  

In a way, they force us out of ourself. They force us to shut down our empathy toward them because we hurt so badly being in contact with them. We end up hating ourselves, hating them... And no one wants that...

My mother told me once : do you think our souls, in the end, love each other, but our ego tears us appart?

... She put me in there with her, but I saw that she got her illness right there, without knowing what she was describing. Your sister loves you, but she cannot keep herself from doing what she does... In the end, I think though that cutting her off to preserve your love for her IS honoring her... It feels like twisted logic, but it is not..

I feel closer to my mother now that we are no contact to be honest... I hurt her deeply, but at least I can heal the memories and understand her now...

We got you.

I am sorry though legal battles are horrible. And I send you support and lots of courage through this. I hope you can find some peace of mind though it all to enjoy your time with your mother.

[livednlearned]

Is it possible you are dealing with a bit of FOG right now?

Mommydoc, I wondered the same  

Or maybe a sense of resignation that your sister's bullying takes different forms, and is somewhat relentless? It can feel so exhausting.

Receiving legal letters is hard for anyone whether BPD or not. It's not uncommon to feel gut punched, then for those feelings to subside. It may take longer for her.

Do you think your sister could be experiencing psychosis?

My therapist called my sibling's behavior "reality-based psychosis." It appeared like reality but wasn't, so there was no catharsis within the family. "He is out of his mind" would've validated the reality of living with him, but "insanity" was reserved for hallucinations and a full break from reality. My sibling's paranoid delusions were always treated with such care, which just meant putting off the inevitable. As a result, it felt like we grew weirdly competent at validating delusional thinking.  

When I am confronted with this reality-based psychosis as an adult, the same kind of catastrophic feelings can resurface (e.g. there are no solutions to this, this will never go away, I am so very very tired, I alone am expected to handle this, etc.) So if it helps to say this, your sister's thinking is not sane. She is not acting sane.

Of the three BPD people I've known (n/BPDx husband, stepdaughter, brother) it is around my sibling that I feel most powerless. I don't know if it's because we were imprinting on each other while going through developmental stages together? So much of who I am was shaped by who he is, and was. I now give myself a bit more grace when we interact. I know to expect slippage since it is doubly hard to stick the landing with him.

If someone came in and tried to run the trust the way your sister is, you would likely let that person go. Same for anyone making decisions on behalf of your mom that showed poor judgement.

The same person who is not fit for this job wants another go. She can cajole and lay out arguments for why she is competent, but she was willing to move your mom against medical advice. She has demonstrated she isn't fit and nothing has changed except talk and one book.

The possibility of litigation often comes up when money and boundaries come in contact with high-conflict people But it takes quite a bit of regulation (and money) to execute legal threats in a meaningful way. Do you see signs that your sister can regulate herself with any degree of success? The same behaviors she exhibits with you and with your mom's health care team will be present with lawyers. She will grow exasperated, she will fire them, she will demand things and not be able to follow through.

Your sister has also tipped her hand that she prizes money and wants to preserve her inheritance. If there is a way to dangle a carrot while preserving your peace of mind, perhaps your lawyer has a solution, like zachira mentioned?

My experience with high-conflict people is that they are more likely to engage in stonewalling than doing something proactive. The point is negative engagement, not doing something.

I know that's little consolation when you aren't certain where she will go with this.

I'm so sorry you are feeling backed into a corner. That's a bad feeling to have, and your attorney probably isn't being delicate. There may be a way to slow walk this and gather time to problem solve in creative ways. Is your attorney making you feel pressured to act?

In my protracted legal battle, I tried to separate custody issues (legal) from coparenting (practical). Eventually, I learned to say, "I'm following the advice of L -- please direct that to L. Let's you and I focus on coparenting issue #59750 and see how we can get this boulder up this hill." It didn't minimize the invective but it did give me peace of mind to have a pat phrase I could live with. I don't know if it minimized his fear of abandonment since we were in an obvious abandonment, but treating him as though he were a harmless child did (to a limited degree) seem to curtail some of the worse behaviors. It just came down to how much I felt capable of handling, which became less and less the stronger I felt.

Another thought ...

"I feel you're trying to divorce me" is catastrophic language. It's her way of saying she feels like a bad person, and she finds (always more) proof. For someone with BPD, there is always proof, and that proof can be as ephemeral as a feeling. You could give her everything, all the power, all the decisions, all the money, all the everything, and she will still feel abandoned because the real issue is her abandoning herself.

You didn't cause this, you can't change this, and you can't cure it.

She isn't thinking clearly enough to do this task to the degree necessary for your mom's health and well-being. It's very sad, and it's also true.

It's hard with family because we constantly see the boundaries between BPD issues and family obligations blur. It is so much easier to see the delination from outside the family, which may be why your lawyer sees it so clearly and why that makes it feel like you are going too quickly.

It's ok to slow walk it, and also ok to let your lawyer set a pace.

Either way, your sister will still have BPD  

You can make choices that put your needs ahead of hers and it might even be better for her in the long run, even as she chafes against what she perceives as unfair.

[Mommydoc]

It is  surfacing a lot for me.

In a way, they force us out of ourself. They force us to shut down our empathy toward them because we hurt so badly being in contact with them. We end up hating ourselves, hating them... And no one wants that...

When she was a baby, I recall my parents sitting me down and explaining my responsibilities to take care of her and protect her from harm. Innocent enough on their part, but it defined our relationship, she has always known, she could lash out, treat me poorly and I would always love her back, let it go, and honor those expectations. There has never been a two way street with her, it’s always all been on me to make things better and my parents consistently told me that. I fully realize my contribution to the dysfunction and have worked hard to exit the triangle. With a lot of therapy, I recognize that my parents wanted us to be close and they wanted us both to be happy. They didn’t want me to sacrifice my values, or mine or my mothers well being to appease my sister. In their own way, they each updated the dialogue and created space for me to let go of those original expectations.

I don’t think I have shut down the empathy, and wish I could. I feel bad that she is 1000’s of miles away and can’t see my mom regularly and that it is hard to communicate by phone with her and she is dependent on others to do so. I feel bad about that but it’s not my fault.  Right now, my empathy for her is in in conflict with my fierce need to protect my mother and myself, that is where I am feeling such intense conflict.

So if it helps to say this, your sister's thinking is not sane. She is not acting sane.

It helps a lot!  The lawyer has also said this. My lawyer is  very patient with me, but has clearly forecast that it is likely to get a lot worse. We agreed to focus on getting the delinquent documents signed. I crafted  a BIFF email response, which the lawyer will edit before I send later today. The firm part will trigger her, but it makes me feel good, to stay on the high road. It essentially says let’s work together by getting this task completed.  I will give you extra time to get your own attorney and charge to the trust, but if by x date it is not fully resolved, other actions will be necessary.

She had seemingly backed off moving my mom and challenging my  HC POA. I was firm in my desire to protect my mothers living situation, but I found it a little harder to set boundaries on the Trust as it doesn’t connect as deeply to my values.

I woke up to a string of texts from her (9 to be exact) resurfacing the desire to move my mother to a less expensive place. In a paradoxical way, it created greater clarity for me.  I didn’t feel triggered by this. I actually felt strong and clear. It is clear this is not about mom for her. It is (as it’s always been) all about her. Giving her a date for resolution/signing the documents and potential consequences is easier because she bombarded me with those texts.

I have chosen to not to respond for now and added a brief paragraph to the planned email, acknowledging them, and letting her know I will not move mom and want to focus on our shared legal responsibilities. It was so great to hear that Methuen went off the grid, let go, and felt better able to deal with it on her return.  I am hoping for the same.

Thank you for the suggestion to “slow walk” this and let the lawyer set the pace. I am going on vacation next week and intend to set a boundary around not working or engaging on this.  I intentionally set the date for after my return. I also talked to the lawyer about a potential agreement to have her removed as trustee so that we can transfer the real estate to her. It’s a way to give her what she wants, without going down the path of challenging competence. But we really need her to get a lawyer first to be able to offer that and I don’t want to go down that path until she has signed the documents as it will muddy the water. She has a list of 19 things ( all from the book, most of which are already delineated in the trust if she would read it.) She  committed to sending me the list, but instead she sent me the link for the book.

We are headed into a complicated space. So grateful for the support here. It is amazing how smart and thoughtful you all are. Thank you.

[GaGrl]

As to your sister "not being sane," and perhaps at times being delusional...it helps to remember that the term "borderline" was chosen to describe a person whose mental makeup is on the border of reality and psychosis.

Remembering this helps our family when my husband's ex goes so completely off the rails that psychosis is the only explanation.

Your sister can be in touch with reality but have a difficult time regulating her emotions, but she also may have periods when she truly breaks with reality. Good that your lawyer sees that already!

[Couscous]

Mommydoc,

I’m wondering if your sister would be open to mediation or better yet, going to family therapy with you? She might be open to this since it will be far less costly than hiring her own attorney. She may just have the need to feel heard and that her concerns are being taken seriously and that she isn’t just being dismissed because she’s the youngest — which is common for youngest siblings and something I’ve observed in my non-BPD youngest sister.