30 months out and the crazymaking continues

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been a long while since I posted here, and I wanted to add to the "how we're all doing" conversation.

I was ghosted and discarded into the street by my uBPDw of five years, two and a half years ago amidst a slew of horrendous false allegations to the police, all of which were thrown out by the court.  I went absolute no contact almost immediately, and have literally never seen the woman (or the two young children I was daddy to) again.  We are well past the point of being able to divorce and that process is in progress - however division of assets remains a major sticking point.

After the initial drama died down there was a long period of silence - the new supply was in what had been my home three weeks after I was told to leave.  Then, in summer 2021, the smear campaign amongst mutual (mostly former) friends really started in earnest, ending in anonymous threatening and malicious phone calls from members of her family to me, and her calling my employer in an attempt to have me fired.  She also attempted to contact members of my family, which unsurprisingly was met with no response.  I quietly reported these incidences of harassment to the police, just to make sure they were on record.

At the start of this year (at that point about 2 years after we separated), she made another complaint to the police about me allegedly breaching bail conditions EIGHTEEN MONTHS previously.  Incredibly, the police decided to charge me with that, and I was back in court in April.  The trial lasted all of 25 minutes before a clearly exasperated judge threw it out, apologising to me, after her "witness" completely contradicted her own testimony, showing her up to be the unstable liar she is.  Satisfyingly, the police and prosecutors were all torn a new one - the judge was very critical about the fact it had been brought to court in the first place.

The craziness continues however.  In the past couple of weeks I have had a communication from my lawyer to say that she took it upon herself to make a phone call to them recently - apparently without her own lawyer being aware of it.  She started ranting and raving to one of the firm's senior partners (a man I've never had any dealings with...) about the fact the divorce wasn't proceeding fast enough.  He had to end up terminating the call by putting the phone down on her mid-rant.

On another point, I am told she continues to be on the "pray for me" list every week at her church, and has been since the summer of 2020 - a full two years.  Clearly the full story isn't being told there...

The whole thing has been taxing and incredibly tiresome.  I've stuck to no contact religiously, refusing to get caught up in the drama in any way - just complete silence, an approach I would recommend to anyone.  However, and despite the huge amount of education and research I've done on this over the last two and a half years, I still find it unbelievable how anyone can remain so angry to that intensity for so long - particularly when all the way down the line they have been shown up to be untruthful and frankly, unstable.

Has anyone else witnessed this sort of lengthy, vindictive anger, which is very much designed to punish?  Are they really just trying to project their internal negativity and hurt on to you, or is there something else going on?

[swisco]

It's been a long while since I posted here, and I wanted to add to the "how we're all doing" conversation.

I was ghosted and discarded into the street by my uBPDw of five years, two and a half years ago amidst a slew of horrendous false allegations to the police, all of which were thrown out by the court.  I went absolute no contact almost immediately, and have literally never seen the woman (or the two young children I was daddy to) again.  We are well past the point of being able to divorce and that process is in progress - however division of assets remains a major sticking point.

After the initial drama died down there was a long period of silence - the new supply was in what had been my home three weeks after I was told to leave.  Then, in summer 2021, the smear campaign amongst mutual (mostly former) friends really started in earnest, ending in anonymous threatening and malicious phone calls from members of her family to me, and her calling my employer in an attempt to have me fired.  She also attempted to contact members of my family, which unsurprisingly was met with no response.  I quietly reported these incidences of harassment to the police, just to make sure they were on record.

At the start of this year (at that point about 2 years after we separated), she made another complaint to the police about me allegedly breaching bail conditions EIGHTEEN MONTHS previously.  Incredibly, the police decided to charge me with that, and I was back in court in April.  The trial lasted all of 25 minutes before a clearly exasperated judge threw it out, apologising to me, after her "witness" completely contradicted her own testimony, showing her up to be the unstable liar she is.  Satisfyingly, the police and prosecutors were all torn a new one - the judge was very critical about the fact it had been brought to court in the first place.

The craziness continues however.  In the past couple of weeks I have had a communication from my lawyer to say that she took it upon herself to make a phone call to them recently - apparently without her own lawyer being aware of it.  She started ranting and raving to one of the firm's senior partners (a man I've never had any dealings with...) about the fact the divorce wasn't proceeding fast enough.  He had to end up terminating the call by putting the phone down on her mid-rant.

On another point, I am told she continues to be on the "pray for me" list every week at her church, and has been since the summer of 2020 - a full two years.  Clearly the full story isn't being told there...

The whole thing has been taxing and incredibly tiresome.  I've stuck to no contact religiously, refusing to get caught up in the drama in any way - just complete silence, an approach I would recommend to anyone.  However, and despite the huge amount of education and research I've done on this over the last two and a half years, I still find it unbelievable how anyone can remain so angry to that intensity for so long - particularly when all the way down the line they have been shown up to be untruthful and frankly, unstable.

Has anyone else witnessed this sort of lengthy, vindictive anger, which is very much designed to punish?  Are they really just trying to project their internal negativity and hurt on to you, or is there something else going on?

[jaded7]

It's been a long while since I posted here, and I wanted to add to the "how we're all doing" conversation.

I was ghosted and discarded into the street by my uBPDw of five years, two and a half years ago amidst a slew of horrendous false allegations to the police, all of which were thrown out by the court.  I went absolute no contact almost immediately, and have literally never seen the woman (or the two young children I was daddy to) again.  We are well past the point of being able to divorce and that process is in progress - however division of assets remains a major sticking point.

After the initial drama died down there was a long period of silence - the new supply was in what had been my home three weeks after I was told to leave.  Then, in summer 2021, the smear campaign amongst mutual (mostly former) friends really started in earnest, ending in anonymous threatening and malicious phone calls from members of her family to me, and her calling my employer in an attempt to have me fired.  She also attempted to contact members of my family, which unsurprisingly was met with no response.  I quietly reported these incidences of harassment to the police, just to make sure they were on record.

At the start of this year (at that point about 2 years after we separated), she made another complaint to the police about me allegedly breaching bail conditions EIGHTEEN MONTHS previously.  Incredibly, the police decided to charge me with that, and I was back in court in April.  The trial lasted all of 25 minutes before a clearly exasperated judge threw it out, apologising to me, after her "witness" completely contradicted her own testimony, showing her up to be the unstable liar she is.  Satisfyingly, the police and prosecutors were all torn a new one - the judge was very critical about the fact it had been brought to court in the first place.

The craziness continues however.  In the past couple of weeks I have had a communication from my lawyer to say that she took it upon herself to make a phone call to them recently - apparently without her own lawyer being aware of it.  She started ranting and raving to one of the firm's senior partners (a man I've never had any dealings with...) about the fact the divorce wasn't proceeding fast enough.  He had to end up terminating the call by putting the phone down on her mid-rant.

On another point, I am told she continues to be on the "pray for me" list every week at her church, and has been since the summer of 2020 - a full two years.  Clearly the full story isn't being told there...

The whole thing has been taxing and incredibly tiresome.  I've stuck to no contact religiously, refusing to get caught up in the drama in any way - just complete silence, an approach I would recommend to anyone.  However, and despite the huge amount of education and research I've done on this over the last two and a half years, I still find it unbelievable how anyone can remain so angry to that intensity for so long - particularly when all the way down the line they have been shown up to be untruthful and frankly, unstable.

Has anyone else witnessed this sort of lengthy, vindictive anger, which is very much designed to punish?  Are they really just trying to project their internal negativity and hurt on to you, or is there something else going on?

I have witnessed it. Not in my own relationship, but my good friends. He divorced his wife over 5 years ago now, and she continues to do the very things that you mention here. She constantly changes, at the last second, parenting/child care arrangements, she constantly calls his lawyer and complains about this and that (all made up her head), she ignores communications from my friend, the comes back at him tearing him to shreds for not communicating.

She too has been proven unstable and out of control- the courts recently changed the child care arrangement because of it, several lawyers of hers have quit, her family knows she unmanageable. My friend had done everything he can to be nice and kind to her in the communications, but she is SOO angry and blinded by the anger. It just goes on and on.

[Turkish]

That's a story that would be hard to make up as fiction... yet you're experiencing it. You just want it done. Most or all heavily contested or litigated divorces involve a PD by one or both parties.

Where do you go from here?

[SinisterComplex]

That's a story that would be hard to make up as fiction... yet you're experiencing it. You just want it done. Most or all heavily contested or litigated divorces involve a PD by one or both parties.

Where do you go from here?

One part where I want back up my pack leader here is that it is important to live YOUR TRUTH. Even when write the story out or you talk about it the details can start to make you feel like you are crazy or that you are perhaps the one with a problem or that maybe you are getting confused, etc. What you have to do is to continue to keep yourself grounded and never back down. Always stand up for yourself and never relent on your boundaries when they have been crossed. Please continue to vent here and share as much as you feel you need to. We do indeed get it and understand here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[swisco]

Thanks for the replies so far.

As far as I have been concerned, my absolute silence has been my most important defensive weapon.

It's frustrating though - sometimes all you want to do is to proclaim your innocence and expose the lies from the rooftops.  But as we all learn, perhaps counter-intuitively, that's the worst thing you can do, as what you're then doing is playing the game on their level and lending legitimacy to untruth.

I'm extremely lucky that I have a supportive family who have helped me deal with the inevitable emotional rollercoaster.  You have to let these things out somehow and I'm sure in the face of everything I haven't been the best version of myself I could be in some situations, so I'm very grateful for their love and patience.

We all like to think of ourselves and most others as reasonable and fundamentally decent people, and to be honest, my STBX-wife is a high functioning, on-the-surface "nice" person, who I would never have dreamed would end up doing what she's done.  The irony is that although she's painted me as some wife-beating-eater-of-children, I could never dream of walking into a police station and deliberately telling lies to get someone into trouble - particularly when that someone is a person you apparently "love", and tell them as much.

What simply blows me away, is that fact that this is an individual who has pretty much got everything they have wanted throughout the whole process.  Me out of her life.  Me out of her children's lives.  Removed me from her circle of all mutual friends.  Essentially caused me to reinvent myself due to the fact she's closed off avenues to me regarding hobbies and activities I used to like to take part in.  Had a serious attempt at trying to remove my ability to earn a living.  And now she's even calling my lawyer's office and harassing them.  I know I'm sounding like a victim myself, but the reality is that much of what she's done is meaningless now, so I'm able to move forward pretty well.

All I would wish for would be for her to see that what she's doing is unproductive.  Really all she's doing is making a fool of herself - some would say "give 'em enough rope" I guess, but all it does is keeps both of us focussed on it.

It's been two and a half years.  Time to give it up!  But I guess that's the disorder...