Where to begin? Psychosomatic stuff? Visa stuff? It's complex

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello there.

First of all I would like to say a huge thanks to the people who manage this website and forum for doing a great job and to all those who support it. I would love to be able to financially contribute towards it in the future because I am aware of how important it is for those of us who have experienced the world of BPD.

Next, a bit of background. I am in my early 40s now, despite a good education I struggled to find mainstream work in my home country but my creative projects received considerable acclaim. In my late 20s I went overseas to Southeast Asia to teach English and ended up staying and doing various other projects but none that were financially viable so I stuck to ESL. As anyone in this sector will tell you, visas become difficult the older you get and often you cannot work overseas even if you have a right of residence such as through marriage.

I met my pwBPD (or ex... it's hard to say right now) in 2018. I knew she had issues with her family and health (difficult to walk more than a mile) but ignored the few small red flags and we got married in 2019. Her family are generally a bad influence but also perhaps simply unaware of the complexities of her condition. Much of what I experienced after getting formally married is pretty standard if you know the BPD characteristics, which of course at the time I didn't. Our marriage was increasingly volatile, with many breakups and a mixture of emotions of knowing that I cared deeply for her, wanted to look after her, and also that it was not healthy being more like an abused caregiver than a husband.

It got worse over time and by 2021 I was out of work (and unable to legally work in her country except online at home and in a subtle and unofficial way) and her behaviour had gotten worse, along with her unconscious desire/ability to control me (based on her being my visa sponsor which could be revoked at any time). So it was difficult financially and romantically and... domestically. I felt trapped and that my good advice for a future life plan together was being ignored.

I ended up leaving by way of another overseas trip that I simply didn't return from. It was my only way out, or so I felt, because she would not accept a conversation about improving her behaviour and tried to stop me leaving or even meeting friends for a drink without her, so it became like a prison.

I hated having to sneak away like that because I know she is a decent person with a lot of problems that she didn't ask to be born with. My plan had been for us both to move to my country together if she made enough of an effort on language and her behaviour. Because if not, I could so easily imagine her saying 'I want to return home' once getting here and me simply not being able to afford the airfare for her anyway.

So, I guess I hoped she would find someone else to replace me that she could be happy with. She is a beauty and younger than me so she would not be short of options, and it might be more practical to find someone more similar. But it never happened. She remains fixed on me, even though we are not the best match on paper.

The psychosomatic element of BPD and illness in general is something that fascinates me. She would get ill the day after I went away on a trip for a few days and she would end up in the hospital. It was very strange. But what happened this week was far worse. She always had health issues but she was today diagnosed with leukemia. You could say me leaving brought it on faster, or you could say our marriage delayed it due to our bond, I don't know, she always had physical weaknesses, from childhood. But me being overseas and her being alone (and therefore immunity weakened) it is hard not to feel responsible, if not for what has happened, then certainly if I don't go back to tend to her needs in the hospital then her outcome could be much worse. My presence will make a difference and it could genuinely be life or death - this is simultaneously a needy BPD episode AND a life and death situation based on patient morale. Going no contact could be disastrous at this moment (also not what I want).

It's really tough financially for both of us, so I have no idea how to approach this. We are still waiting for clear information from the doctors so I can think about a timeline and if/how I or she can get a visa and how this will impact treatment. So it's a bad BPD situation now gone ultra-bad with a life-threatening illness with us living in different countries and neither being financially well-off.

Has anyone experience anything similar before? What happens when the fear of abandonment intersects so closely with a loss of morale that is needed to get over a genuinely difficult illness that is not just 'in the mind'?

[silverberry]

Hello there.

First of all I would like to say a huge thanks to the people who manage this website and forum for doing a great job and to all those who support it. I would love to be able to financially contribute towards it in the future because I am aware of how important it is for those of us who have experienced the world of BPD.

Next, a bit of background. I am in my early 40s now, despite a good education I struggled to find mainstream work in my home country but my creative projects received considerable acclaim. In my late 20s I went overseas to Southeast Asia to teach English and ended up staying and doing various other projects but none that were financially viable so I stuck to ESL. As anyone in this sector will tell you, visas become difficult the older you get and often you cannot work overseas even if you have a right of residence such as through marriage.

I met my pwBPD (or ex... it's hard to say right now) in 2018. I knew she had issues with her family and health (difficult to walk more than a mile) but ignored the few small red flags and we got married in 2019. Her family are generally a bad influence but also perhaps simply unaware of the complexities of her condition. Much of what I experienced after getting formally married is pretty standard if you know the BPD characteristics, which of course at the time I didn't. Our marriage was increasingly volatile, with many breakups and a mixture of emotions of knowing that I cared deeply for her, wanted to look after her, and also that it was not healthy being more like an abused caregiver than a husband.

It got worse over time and by 2021 I was out of work (and unable to legally work in her country except online at home and in a subtle and unofficial way) and her behaviour had gotten worse, along with her unconscious desire/ability to control me (based on her being my visa sponsor which could be revoked at any time). So it was difficult financially and romantically and... domestically. I felt trapped and that my good advice for a future life plan together was being ignored.

I ended up leaving by way of another overseas trip that I simply didn't return from. It was my only way out, or so I felt, because she would not accept a conversation about improving her behaviour and tried to stop me leaving or even meeting friends for a drink without her, so it became like a prison.

I hated having to sneak away like that because I know she is a decent person with a lot of problems that she didn't ask to be born with. My plan had been for us both to move to my country together if she made enough of an effort on language and her behaviour. Because if not, I could so easily imagine her saying 'I want to return home' once getting here and me simply not being able to afford the airfare for her anyway.

So, I guess I hoped she would find someone else to replace me that she could be happy with. She is a beauty and younger than me so she would not be short of options, and it might be more practical to find someone more similar. But it never happened. She remains fixed on me, even though we are not the best match on paper.

The psychosomatic element of BPD and illness in general is something that fascinates me. She would get ill the day after I went away on a trip for a few days and she would end up in the hospital. It was very strange. But what happened this week was far worse. She always had health issues but she was today diagnosed with leukemia. You could say me leaving brought it on faster, or you could say our marriage delayed it due to our bond, I don't know, she always had physical weaknesses, from childhood. But me being overseas and her being alone (and therefore immunity weakened) it is hard not to feel responsible, if not for what has happened, then certainly if I don't go back to tend to her needs in the hospital then her outcome could be much worse. My presence will make a difference and it could genuinely be life or death - this is simultaneously a needy BPD episode AND a life and death situation based on patient morale. Going no contact could be disastrous at this moment (also not what I want).

It's really tough financially for both of us, so I have no idea how to approach this. We are still waiting for clear information from the doctors so I can think about a timeline and if/how I or she can get a visa and how this will impact treatment. So it's a bad BPD situation now gone ultra-bad with a life-threatening illness with us living in different countries and neither being financially well-off.

Has anyone experience anything similar before? What happens when the fear of abandonment intersects so closely with a loss of morale that is needed to get over a genuinely difficult illness that is not just 'in the mind'?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It seems likely that she may have had leukemia even prior to your marriage, with the symptoms only becoming apparent recently.

You took steps to protect yourself by leaving the relationship. In what way do you believe your presence could alleviate her of a diagnosed cancer?

[judee]

I agree with CAT,  such a diagnosis involves so much more than just you being present or absent.
I was diagnosed myself with an auto immune disease in the first months of my relationship with my ex wBPD.
Not in any way did I hold him responsible or as the cause. Yes , I did not take good care of myself ( lack of sleep , stress) and yes I probably have genetic predisposition... But it is still about me taking better care of me and not his responsibility.

[silverberry]

Thanks very much for the replies. Appreciated.

It has been a whirlwind 24 hours, and not in a good way.

I purchased flight tickets to visit for 4 weeks so I could offer support. This took a lot of effort rearranging other things and so on. About 5 minutes before I was about to walk out of the door to get to the airport, both her and her friend were asking me to promise I would never leave her again. I told them we need to focus on the issue at hand, getting through treatment over the next few weeks. I was then told not to bother coming if I was only coming because I felt sorry for her.

So I cancelled my flights. It reconfirmed that I was right to leave in the first place.

What a sad and self-destructive illness.

[judee]

Silverberry,

I think you just made a healthy decision. True to yourself and what you believe was 'off'...
But especially the first one, it is really hard to stay true to yourself when being manipulated/guilt tripped.
Good for you!

[silverberry]

Thanks for the positive words.

It is awful because since I left in June she has obviously been neglecting herself. Probably not eating and sleeping properly. This may have had an impact. Then the usual mix of blocking me on a messaging app, unblocking me later the same day, changing her profile picture every few hours (in the never-ending search for identity?) that illustrates emotional turmoil that cannot be easy on the mind or body. I wish she had found someone new to replace me that might be more compatible (at least on the surface), just from the perspective of living in the same city permanently, maybe being the same religion would have helped too as she was never open-minded about my own views. I would happily remain friends and personally don't favour the 'no contact' approach as it feels like it is responding with bad manners, closing a door on someone who perhaps feels that everyone they ever met in life has closed doors on them.

Yesterday I just wanted to go back and contribute in a positive way, get on with buying her decent food to help with her treatment, as her minimal support network may not be too great at this and it may make a difference to her recovery. But my offer of help was self-destructively rejected unless I agreed to continuing the marriage like before - something I actually may have considered if the next few weeks went well, but could not agree to right now. I imagine she and her friend will both regret telling me not to come, or it could signal a turning point where I am permanently black-listed as it were.

On my advice, she did go to see an expert on BPD in July three times and some of his worksheets appear to have helped initially. I had previously printed off a huge amount of resources for her to work through but she was very half-hearted about it because they were in English, so a bit harder to work with. Even so, it seemed she was doing this for me, when I kept telling her that it is for her own benefit, primarily.

Whilst I felt a logistical weight off my shoulders yesterday when her and her friend basically made the decision for me by telling me I was not welcome unless I agreed to X, Y and Z (not possible or healthy to do so) I feel dreadfully sorry for her, now in multiple ways and contexts and just wish I could have gotten through to her. I know, highly unlikely. The 'what if's are unhelpful as are thinking about how we might now be living had I succeeded in helping her learn more healthy mental habits. And now she has some very tough weeks ahead, and with little family or friend support and now having rejected my offer to assist over the next few weeks.

I started making notes in early 2020, not long after we got married, when I knew that what seemed a bit 'quirky' prior to marriage had moved to the next level and were rather scary for me. Like almost everyone says, they got worse and more frequent as time went on. I wasn't perfect, of course. Sometimes during one of our frequent break-ups, almost always by me based on her behaviour, I would join a dating site, perhaps looking for a way out of it all, and then cancel it when we got back together. But to her disordered memory, she thought was I was being unfaithful while we were together, to the extent that anyone female who I emailed, old friends from overseas or for work purposes, would be sent a message saying 'keep away from my husband'. Even receptionists at the apartment were targeted for notifying me if we had a parcel delivery. Anyone female. The rages were horrendous and on at least one occasion security were called. As the foreigner, this was doubly scary as you might say that in some countries your local partner will be sided with automatically and the foreigner painted as the problem.

Amazingly, no less than 3 colleagues at the place where I worked had similar issues at some time or other with their local partners. None of my ex-colleagues are still living in the same country. There are some cultural issues that encourage the 'bad behaviour' - for example, in Southeast Asia it is common for partners to go through each others' phones and jealousy seems to be seen by many as a positive attribute. Personal privacy means you are hiding something. There are plenty of other examples.

Yet she was incredibly loyal and - as her friend puts it - almost like a 'fairy' at times. The childlike side, watching cartoons. Caring immensely for plants on the balcony. There were occasional moments of real clarity where she would say things that were deeply perceptive and made me feel there was someone in there who was so level-headed and wonderful, if only I could encourage that side to blossom a bit more. At those moments, it was worth fighting for our marriage and there were enough of them scattered around. But ten minutes later it would be back to paranoia, negativity, control and destruction and for me a sort of grief that my hope had already been extinguished so soon and that the negative side was the winning one.

Along with my notes, I made a few recordings which are painful to listen to. I documented things for three reasons. 1. So I could try to pinpoint the issues more effectively, which I never really managed to do in a way that would make much difference. 2. For my own safety, should there have been any legal issues. 3. Because I decided the experience was so strange, tragic and occasionally hilarious that I would write a novel based on it all one day. I told her about this and emphasised that the story could have a happy ending.

Both her and her friend have blocked me now, but not before her friend could tell me that she was moved to ICU and this was all my fault for not being a good husband etc. And of course to some people with little understanding of the details could easily view me as an awful human, having - to the outside world - abandoned my wife who weeks later got diagnosed with leukemia.

It is a learning process, and despite the upheaval, I don't regret our marriage and I do still love her, or at least during the good times. But the grief over a failing marriage now gets a bit of cancer thrown in to make matters so much worse for both her and I. Like so many times during the marriage itself, I find myself feeling as though whatever I do it has no effect and I am just an observer of a trajectory that was set in motion many years ago. But it doesn't help with the grief and it isn't over yet, it is ongoing, like a dreadful soap opera in which people really do live or die. I wonder what the next chapter will bring.

[Cat Familiar]

You are dealing with your grief about what could have been a wonderful marriage and at the same time, realizing that her lack of stability and self awareness precluded that.

Even if you had been successful in getting her interested and engaged in learning “healthy mental habits,” it’s doubtful that much would have changed unless she put her entire heart and soul into the project, which seldom happens with people with BPD.

Since it’s a shame based disorder, the mere effort of self examination and self betterment is anathema.

It’s got to be painful to watch her decline play out from a distance, but as you said, you are “just an observer of a trajectory that was set in motion many years ago.”

My questions for you is to ponder what it was that attracted you to this relationship? When you saw things go sideways what kept you involved? What almost lured you back when you regained your freedom? And how can you keep from repeating some of these patterns in the future?

[silverberry]

Thanks for the questions. Appreciated.

What it was that attracted you to this relationship? Many factors. I am definitely a problem solver, not specifically towards relationships or people. I enjoy it and am very open-minded and like to learn about psychology and so on. Is it better to be with someone who doesn't have any problems in life? Do they even exist? She had many qualities that were great when we started, very sincere, caring, loyal and beautiful. Yes, a bit needy from the start. I'm in my early 40s now and would quite like to be a father... not so easy now with women of my own age.

When you saw things go sideways what kept you involved? My love for her and my belief that we could get over any problems. My sense of responsibility and compassion towards her. The fact that the good times still outweighed the bad. I had no idea that things would most likely get worse regardless of what I did.

What almost lured you back when you regained your freedom? The fact I might be able to help in a practical matter and she had nobody else at this time who would or at least not many to the same degree. I care about her well-being. The fact that 'freedom' so far has been fairly disappointing.

And how can you keep from repeating some of these patterns in the future? Well, just by living in a rural part of the UK (after several years away) where people are much less sociable and dating is much more infrequent unless you live in a city. Is loneliness like that any better? I really don't know. You don't learn much about life, the world and people, by sitting around on your own. As for BPD, I think I would recognize it much easier and much sooner now and not put it down to 'cultural differences' as I did in the beginning.

[silverberry]

An update.

After a week of real emotional torment and sleepless nights I became suspicious when both her friend and her found excuses when I asked to see documents relating to the diagnosis. Her friend had sent just 1 document (partial) on the day of diagnosis itself.

So I searched online for what might come up if, say, I was lying to someone about such a diagnosis. And the very same document came up near the top of the results.

So it was a massive charming operation conducted in conjunction with a friend of equally pitiful moral standards. I can't guess what her week was actually like, but on this side I lost several hundred dollars on cancelled flights and felt awful the whole time. Not to mention telling family and friends about this.

The only good thing about this discovery, aside from her not being on her deathbed, is that it cements the separation. So glad I didn't end up flying back only to discover that the whole story was a scam meant to lure me back into the relationship. The level of deceit and stupidity is... just incredible. How would this sort of behaviour make anyone sane consider getting back together?

They are now both apologizing but... neither seems to understand what a decent relationship (or indeed friendship) is made of, and probably never will. The BPD experience for a loved one is like living through the highs and lows of a thousand scenarios only to find that less than five had any basis in reality. No wonder PTSD is so common.

[judee]

Silverberry.. I am sorry for the betrayal but I really would like to congratulate you. You have a perfectly working emotional immune system.