Sadness for ex and self after divorce

[HittyDoll]

Hi, new here. It has been 2.5 years since my ex and I separated and our divorce was final early this year. His hostility and vitriol are easier to manage because there is less of it, and I know things are over and for the best. Still, I feel so sad for both of us. I wish I could either be angry or happily moving on. Instead, I feel stalled (emotionally) and, sometimes, still married (in my heart). I am sure he will do something any minute to remind me that I should not feel sad or sorry for him, but I keep thinking about the vulnerable parts of his personality and our time together (17+ years).  My head tells me how much better off I am away from the toxic and neglectful relationship, but I also know he didn't want it to be that way and I feel so sad that I couldn't help more/be more. At the same time, I know he has completely split me into full villain status. He is also heavily prone to projecting, so whatever is actually going on, he is blaming me and hating me for it. It's just hard to be so totally devalued. I feel like I have been thrown into a garbage dumpster and set on fire despite investing so much into him, our family, and the marriage. It's just a confusing mess of feelings, I guess, and I don't feel like anyone really can understand. Thanks for listening.

[Zoa]

I understand how you are feeling.  It took. Me 37 years to end a dysfunctional relationship.  I have learned no matter how hard I tried
And cared and compromised one person can’t maintain a relationship.  It is sad for you and him.  Know you are a good person and respect you were brave to get out

[swisco]

Hi HittyDoll

I can relate 100% with what you've written.

17 years is a long time, so go easy on yourself.  It's natural that you're going to feel a bit adrift, especially after the line has just been drawn underneath it.  I can imagine that when a divorce is settled it's a mixed bag of feelings - relief that it's actually over and that there's no legal tie binding you to the other person any more, but that it also brings your emotional vulnerability to the fore.  You were part of a unit for a long time, for better or worse, and you can't just switch those emotions off.  Time to focus on yourself and immediate family and close friends.

It was only 5 years for me, and we've been separated for over 2.5 years now, half the length of time we were actually married!  Finalising things is proving to be a huge challenge - my uBPDw is still completely consumed with anger, even though she discarded me and appears to have moved on with someone else (although I don't actually have concrete proof of that which is "doing my head in" as they say in these parts).  I also have literally never seen the woman again since the day she didn't come home.  She is basically burying her head in the sand and refusing to engage with my lawyer in any sensible manner, probably as a form of "punishment" directed at me, but thereby prolonging the situation for both of us.

Everyone heals in there own time.  I would see your divorce being made official as an advantage to you - it's really where I want to get to.  There's a clear line in the sand there that you can measure your emotional healing against going forward.

Take care.