BPD and thinking ahead/learning from mistakes

[Tired Llama]

I don't recall coming across this or maybe I've just been reading/learning/taking in so much at once that I've forgotten, but do people with BPD tend to have troubles with learning from past failures or thinking ahead to avoid problems? and I'm not necessarily talking long term or larger life issues either, recent example:

BPD gf recently got new furniture, she tells me her and her 7yo son were painting. That's all I needed to hear and I knew the rest. I'm sure everyone knows the rest of the story. In the 5 years or so I've been with her he has ruined about 5 tables/desk, maybe 8 chairs and messed up the floor about 3 times all while painting with her.

I haven't had that problem, yes he's more likely to be painting with her than me, but I always make sure to cover the table and watch/help him when he goes to do something else. He's a child so obviously he'll be oblivious to the fact his hands are covered in paint, no big deal, its my job as the adult to make sure he doesn't try to pet the cat with paint hands or whatever.

I've noticed over the years there's been so many things that cause my BPD gf to lose it (and usually take it all out on me) that were easily avoided if you just think a little ahead or remember what happened the last 10 times in the recent past.

I've worked with and been around quite a few people that've done plenty of stupid things, but can't think of anyone that hasn't learned to change things up after making the same mistake a few times, So I was curious if this sort of behavior is common with BPD or is it just a her thing?

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[Cat Familiar]

It seems that people with BPD can certainly engage in self destructive behavior, then want sympathy. I don’t know about not learning from experience, but you have to marvel at this example and wonder what the future portends.

[Manic Miner]

In my experience, as far relationship/life lessons go with pwBPD, they are very slow and huge time/energy wasters.

They completely lack insight, unable to see the big picture, so everything that involves managing emotions in a healthy way and responsibility is just a mammoth's task.

[Justapotato]

My bf with BPD really struggles with this. He could probably follow the same path off the side of a cliff a hundred times without learning but if we stand at the crossroads together and I explicitly remind him that path leads to trouble he does have a lightbulb moment and will likely actually learn from being told, just not on his own.

But then he is at a stage where he is actively seeking help and trying really hard to better himself. However if in self destructive mode then he still couldn’t care less and off the cliff we go again…. Getting less and less though. But I would agree that learning from mistakes alone doesn’t come naturally. Making him responsible for his actions really helps too though, showing support but not babying him through cleaning up whatever mess we end up. And of course if I’ve made a mistake then leading by example, which has also been very tough for me in a volatile relationship.

[Rev]

I don't recall coming across this or maybe I've just been reading/learning/taking in so much at once that I've forgotten, but do people with BPD tend to have troubles with learning from past failures or thinking ahead to avoid problems?

The short answer is deeper than "yes". It represent the core issue of the disorder. It is why, for people who are truly disordered and not simply displaying traits that will clear up with self awareness, that DBT has been the only therapy to show positive results.

And that is provided that the person puts in effort to literally train themselves to behave differently even if their feelings run counter to what they are learning to put into practice.

It's an excellent question - one that provides the basis for a reality check for the partner of a pwBPD. It's one of the reasons that I suggest that if the relationship is abusive, that a person would seriously consider getting out.

Hope that helps.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Protectourfamily]

I guess this is why everyone says not to try to teach your BPD partner.
I kind of thought setting boundaries was a sort of living DBT, to teach him by experience that it's not worth it to rage/act abusively.
But I guess if I am learning from this thread, it would be that setting boundaries is a life-long project, something that will always have to be done to enable us to live side-by-side with our BPD partners.

[Manic Miner]

I guess this is why everyone says not to try to teach your BPD partner.
I kind of thought setting boundaries was a sort of living DBT, to teach him by experience that it's not worth it to rage/act abusively.
But I guess if I am learning from this thread, it would be that setting boundaries is a life-long project, something that will always have to be done to enable us to live side-by-side with our BPD partners.

Well, first of all, boundaries are for yourself. Invisible lines that you set for yourself, how to behave and deal towards people and many situations in life. There are core or permanent boundaries (like - I won't steal no matter what, even if there would be no penalties) and those that can be altered and are flexible. You need to see the lines that are in-sync with you, regarding your relationship with pwBPD and their behaviour.

Based on my experience with high-functioning BPD wife, you can teach them it's not worth to rage/act abusively. But they need to feel the consequences and get to the point by themselves, even if you or therapist guided them "secretly" to get there.
Depending on severity of the BPD issue and your own capacity, this can be either a long and tiring process or not.

But relying on their empathy that they will see the damage they've done and learn from the mistakes is not good. They can feel so bad internally that any damage they make will seem justified and if you act or respond, they will have someone to blame too. Every bad respond to their anger/rage will just prolong the "education" period for them to learn and try to move on.

Every time pwBPD has even the slightest chance to put blame on something or someone else, they will do it, make no mistake. And you will find it hard to resist, because at times they will be very rude, you'd want to scream out loud - but don't engage.
So yeah, lessons from DBT are very good for them, but unless pwBPD goes to a professional, you have to be really careful when you apply them yourself. See yourself more as a mentor/coach, you be the example, rather than as a teacher that scolds, punishes or expects the lessons to be learned.