Here we go again. I imagine there are many of you out here who have felt like a complete fool for believing the false promises of change and the apology of not loving you the way you deserve. Am I right? I have been dealing with this rollercoaster now since late 2017, and I've posted here a few times about the intensity of how "good" this relationship has been at times. That future fantasy of who she could be for me in our relationship was absolutely absurd, yet time and time again I've been recycled only to be mistreated worse each time. This last one was devastating, and without providing all of the details about why I was ugly crying by myself last night until about midnight... I just want to write that her soul must be so incredibly dark to treat me the way she has. It's almost like an evil Disney character the way she manipulates, sucks energy, and discards the souls of people who once had so much confidence.
This is exceptionally hard, but I know I'll get through it. The most difficult part is that she works across the hall in the same building, and avoiding seeing her is pretty much impossible. I'm trying my best to have zero contact, but at some point she's going to try to lure me back into her dark web of abuse. My worst decision in my entire life was to believe her affection was real the first time. Each time I've believed her affection was real after the previous evil discard, was my next worst decision.
My advice to anyone out there who thinks their former partner living with BPD is sincere in their attempt to recycle you is... Stop believing. That person feels empty, and you are not missed because they love YOU, they miss attention. That is all.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Many of us can relate.
Here is the good news though: You can still get your head in the right place, move on, and be able to see her without that piercing pain in your heart.
I share a child with my Ex BPD and I see her constantly. I also was recycled only to be treated worse every time.
Now I see her and I honestly just feel bad for her. I am not in pain, I don’t really care what she does that does not relate to my child. It may seem far fetched to you now but if you keep your head up and work on healing you can get there. Needless to say, you have to make the decision first not to allow the recycling ever again. That addiction is your enemy, get that fact straight and the rest will come with time and following the right path.
