It’s not codependency: It’s Self-love Deficit Disorder

[Couscous]

I think Ross Rosenberg has it nailed, and every child or romantic partner of someone with a Cluster B PD no doubt suffers from Self-love Deficit Disorder. I know that this is the number 1 issue that I am facing as I work on my own recovery. I totally identify as the cerebral and anorexic codependent.

It actually would be more accurate if BPDFamily.com were called SLDDFamily.com!  

Here’s a good summary of SLDD: https://www.selfloverecovery.com/pages/self-love-deficit-disorder

[Turkish]

Interesting, but I wonder how much of it is clinical?

My PsyD therapist warned me of self diagnosis, and also said that true, pathological codependency manifests itself in every relationship of the patient. He told me that he was treating a true codependent.

Even so, it's a good discussion.

If codependent at all, I'd say I'm passive. My ex might be cerebral. She devours self- help books and websites. It's so much that I often think what do others think of her. If it were anyone else, I'd think that the person was telegraphing deep seated issues, especially for a 40 year old.

The first pyramid got me thinking... I'm only as good as what I do or not do for others. A human doing.

I've never felt like the next step up the pyramid, "existential loneliness," as I've always been comfortable being alone. The must step up the pyramid is "the drug of choice: the narcissistic lover." BPD isn't narcissism though some behaviors can seem so on the surface. Yet pwBPD can be attracted to narcissists.

My boss got remarried recently. He was a widower who married a widow. It was a cool wedding, but I kept thinking, no way I'd be able to be up there, the center of attention, at least without much faking it. Maybe that was in part why I was OK with my ex who stated early on "I hate marriage!" That was due to her parents role models.

Not too deep down, though, it's likely my own feelings that I'm not deserving of love. I do accept that my kids love me though. However, I'm kind of relived that I'm an older dad, with D10 and S12, with me turning 51 next month. Once they reach college age, I'll no longer need to be a human doing. Top old for romance, though my boss is 61 and his wife only slightly younger. This is just how I feel.

[Notwendy]

I think, like BPD, codependency is on a spectrum. Probably the milder ends of the spectrum don't meet full criteria, yet still can cause relationship issues. I agree that people should not apply these labels if they aren't professionals but still, if we can identify behaviors or traits we have that are problematic , it can help us to know that so we can work on them.

[Couscous]

Interesting, but I wonder how much of it is clinical?

Like all mental health “diagnoses”, SLDD is a construct.

I've never felt like the next step up the pyramid, "existential loneliness," as I've always been comfortable being alone.

My guess would be that codependent anorexics would not be in touch with their existential loneliness. I know I certainly wasn’t until very recently because I was too busy being a “human doing” to notice.

Too old for romance, though my boss is 61 and his wife only slightly younger.

I don’t think humans are ever too old for romance — and how wonderful for your boss and his new wife!