Will this ever get better?

[havehope1]

I've been with my husband for 6 years and we have 2 children, I also have a child from a previous marriage.
The last 2 years have been worse than ever with stress in the family and health issues and my pwBPD is getting worse and worse with his abuse and "splitting". He is triggered by everything I say or do. The insults he says to me are unbearable yet I take them without even replying or reacting and stay with him even when he's said the most horrendously hurtful things. I keep clinging on to the belief that he's a good person and that I love him and we have children... But I'm starting to get so anxious and sad that this is it. This is how it will always be... Or worse he will do something more than just say awful things and treat me like I'm the last person in the world he wants to be with. He's already cheated but says he will never cheat again... He seems to regret it but I feel so insecure from the words he uses and the way he's treated me that I'm paranoid if he even goes out for an hour.
Will it always be this way? What do I do? Do I try harder to not trigger him? Do I leave? I'm a little lost

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi havehope1, welcome back. Sounds like whatever was going on in February is still happening?

Will it always be this way? What do I do? Do I try harder to not trigger him? Do I leave? I'm a little lost

I think confusion and lack of clarity, and a difficult time seeing "whose responsibilities are whose", can be characteristics of a relationship with a pwPD. Boundaries are blurred and a sense of what is "broadly normal" gets very skewed.

So, it makes sense that you would have the questions you are having.

Have you had a chance to read this article yet, on a few core "requirements" of staying in a relationship with a pwPD?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

The part that stood out to me for your situation was under the heading Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker" :

Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

Sometimes we get "lost in the FOG" of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, and think that it's "normal" or "okay" to stick around when a partner is demeaning, insulting, or verbally abusing us -- like "well, we should really listen to what they have to say" or "it's rude to leave when someone is talking" or whatever.

We are not required to stick around to receive unwarranted anger, intensity, namecalling, etc. We are allowed to say "I'm going on a walk and will be back in 45 minutes", for example.

One way of looking at this approach is -- it isn't actually loving or healthy for the relationship for us to allow a dynamic to form of one partner being verbally hurtful and the other partner receiving it. While we cannot control the words coming out of our partner's mouth, we can control if we participate by listening to it. (Of course, if your experience is that abuse continues or escalates if you try to leave, or if you are prevented from leaving, then that is a more serious issue).

Check out that article, and think about what it might be like to "decline to stick around and listen" to the unbearable insults. What if it's actually better for your relationship to NOT stay in the room with him when he's being horrendously hurtful?

Lots of food for thought, let us know your take...

kells76