Validation

[Julsie]

So, sorry for posting so much. I suppose I just need to talk to someone. I'm reading about validation. As my son has Asperger's he's had to learn how to interact socially himself and he's done a very good job. However,  there were times when I could see he probably found things invalidating , like trying to keep him safe. He still wasn't crossing the road safely at 18 and I had to point it out. Or not keeping on top of his flat, finances etc.
Moreover,  the kind of people he was and is still hanging out with that could be dangerous including drug dealers . He argues that they're not. With dealers, thar they couldn't possibly give you contaminated stuff as it would be bad for their reputation. 
Validating the past as he has a spinal condition, that he says he was treated like  hypochondriac. This point has been repeated for the last 8 years or so like others, but when I agree, obviously, it's the wrong type of validation as it's not believed.  I don't know how to be any more.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Julsie
Validation is a tricky one. At first I didn't feel comfortable because I felt like I was agreeing to things that were not true, or were taken out of context or I needed to 'set the record straight'.

Then I started to think of it as validating the 'feeling' rather than the 'fact' of anything. You probably understand this better than I do and sorry if I am talking about things you already try.

As an example re the being treated like a hypochondriac, in the past I would have 'agreed' but now I would say something like 'It's not good feeling like that'. So I use very few words to acknowledge the feeling.

This works 99% of the time for me.

Your son has a complex set of conditions, and you have worked very hard to help him function to the extent that he is able at this point in time. It is hard to know how the future will unfold and when we have used all our energy in supporting a loved child, the worst time can be when we are cut off.

I went through this many times and at first it was unbearable anxiety. I came to see, it was out of my control and I just kept saying to myself, like a mantra 'I have done all that I possibly can'.

I think you have done all that you possibly can . . . .