I love her so much...I feel so helpless

[Jabberwocky]

For 30 years, my wife and my relationship has gone through cycles that work something like this.  Things are good or OK between us for a period of time (usually measured in months), but then something happens that triggers her anger.  It is usually something minor (I said something unclearly that was misinterpreted or I neglected to do something little), but it explodes into a huge argument with me trying to defend myself (It's almost always me trying to defend myself), and me chasing her around the house trying to make things better (that generally doesn't work but it has on occasion).  Finally I get the picture and she won't talk to me for about 3 days or so.  We then have a conversation where she is still mad but me apologizing, then it eases back into good/ok for awhile and the cycle continues.  Her mother abused her in many ways, and I've always known that she struggled with accepting that I love her.  I'm far from perfect, but I've never cheated, never hit her, never left unless she asked me to give her space.  Yesterday, in the midst of the silent treatment I searched online and found information on BPD.  It described what I've been experiencing for years.  At first I was relieved because it was able to put a name on it.  However, the more I learned, the more helpless I felt.  I love her so much, and I'm desperately afraid that this is going to pull her away from me. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yellowbutterfly]

hi jabberwocky

I've found this board a really great resource. There are a lot of tools on how to interact with an upwBPD (undiagnosed person with BPD) and how to improve your own responses in situations. I am particularly defensive in nature and I'm working on my reactions to my spouse by using mindfulness techniques. I identify with you as I feel I'm always defending myself after a blow up around a misunderstood or out of proportion response from the spouse. Though, with some practice you can learn ways to respond without feeling like you have to be defensive.

Check out the board "Community Built Knowledge Base". There are workshops, skill sets, and explanations. Just know that all of the information may not apply to your situation.

I know it feels overwhelming to think she may have BPD and to experience the cycles you don't understand. BUT you found a place to start to learn. Also, you do not have to tell your spouse you suspect she may have BPD or struggle with a personality disorder. I am not a professional but I think that some advice suggests that you do not tell someone else you think they are dealing with a mental health issue. BUT you can start to learn how to control your reactions which will help the dynamic between you.   

It is obvious that you love your wife very much. Have you considered going to therapy both for yourself and as a couple? They are able to offer you tools specific to your relationship you can implement.

Lastly, make sure you are taking time to care for yourself whatever that means to you. I'm sure you have established routines in a long term marriage but don't neglect your own wellbeing.

I hope things become more clear and you are able to feel like you have support.

[Cat Familiar]

We tell members not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) with their BPD partners. It almost always makes things worse.

You can usually JADE with non-disordered people, have a reasonable discussion, and come to resolution. But with BPD folks, it’s like throwing gas on the fire when they’re dysregulated (emotionally upset ).

Apologies seldom work either, as you’ve probably noticed, unless you have something real and tangible to apologize for.

Take a look at the Tools section at the top of this page and tel us more about your relationship.

[bluebutterflies]

Hi Jabberwocky, it sounds like you are willing to make this work. Next step is to educate yourself so that you can learn to de-escalate these rages. There are tools like other have mentioned, the main ones I have learned a ton from are validation tools (so that you do not JADE), de-escalation tools (such as not engaging), and more. Please make sure that you are not allowing yourself to lose you self-worth, as we want all members to not lose themselves in this journey.

For me, while I cannot change my H's behavior, I can change mine. I have found that over time, it is always always best for me to not escalate from my side. Do not take what they say to heart, do not stray from the heart of the argument (it is likely your W begins on a tirade of other topics). Personally, I am learning to not contribute to the argument as well, because I also do not want to give my H more to use to blame me. However, this is difficult because are human beings and no one likes to be blamed or yelled at. Please give yourself some grace and love and do not blame yourself if you "mess up."

If your reaction is more controlled yet her behavior doesn't change, it is clear that she needs to get help and therapy. We can help you figure that out if that is what you want.

[Jabberwocky]

So learning not to JADE is the first thing tool that I've gotten from the group, and it is kinda freeing.  I'm pretty sure that I have JADEd every single time.   

[ThatFLGuy]

So learning not to JADE is the first thing tool that I've gotten from the group, and it is kinda freeing.  I'm pretty sure that I have JADEd every single time.   

I can relate to your situation so much. My wife was just recently diagnosed with BPD and we have been married for 19 years. I studied psychology in school and I still couldn't wrap my head around BPD. I'm a very rational person, almost to a fault and her BPD "episodes" triggered me on so many levels. First, because I simply couldn't figure out what was happening at times. It was like we experienced two different things hearing her side of things. Second, and what you and many of us I suppose come to realize sooner or later, is that you simply cannot defend against irrational thinking. I have been studying up on this for some time now and still struggle with the irrationality of it all but am trying. Hang in there and take care of yourself!