Investing in your BPD other

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I'm struggling at the moment with my partner of 4 years that has BPD. She has undergone DBT therapy for two years but had missed the group therapy part as covid hit and everything was done online. Whilst there has been improvements things are still bad at times, especially with her being neurotic eg. Overly sensitive and over reacting.

Whilst I used to be able to cope OK with her outbursts now I'm having second thoughts about how to deal with her. I say this because now we have an 18 month old baby girl, I've bought a three bedroom house at the top end of my budget to accommodate the three of us and my soon to be step daughter, and have just yesterday just taken a car out on PCP finance so she can use for work.

I seem to be investing a whole lot in her: Baby, house, car, wanting to adopt her 13yr old daughter... but I still get treated like absolute PLEASE READe at times. I feel as if I am disposable and have no respect. I give her all this and yet my needs are not being met. I'm still being snapped at, we haven't had sex in over a month, and there's always the underlying threat that if I speak up to set boundaries or degend myself then she will just tell me leave and break up with me. This would mean that she would take both my baby and step daughter and I would have to pay child support and hardly ever get to see my kids.

Am I being stupid in investing SO MUCH money, time and effort in a person with BPD that still treats me with little respect, is still overly neurotic despite 2 years of DBT therapy, and will certainly leave me if I even try to speak up and talk about my boundaries and what I want from this relationship.

Do I cut loose whilst I can or spend even more years investing in my partner whom is making such slow progress and isn't giving me the respect or attention I know I deserve considering how much I put into this relationship.

Your thoughts and comments are very much appreciated.

Thanks

[Lastlovelost]

Hello,

I'm struggling at the moment with my partner of 4 years that has BPD. She has undergone DBT therapy for two years but had missed the group therapy part as covid hit and everything was done online. Whilst there has been improvements things are still bad at times, especially with her being neurotic eg. Overly sensitive and over reacting.

Whilst I used to be able to cope OK with her outbursts now I'm having second thoughts about how to deal with her. I say this because now we have an 18 month old baby girl, I've bought a three bedroom house at the top end of my budget to accommodate the three of us and my soon to be step daughter, and have just yesterday just taken a car out on PCP finance so she can use for work.

I seem to be investing a whole lot in her: Baby, house, car, wanting to adopt her 13yr old daughter... but I still get treated like absolute PLEASE READe at times. I feel as if I am disposable and have no respect. I give her all this and yet my needs are not being met. I'm still being snapped at, we haven't had sex in over a month, and there's always the underlying threat that if I speak up to set boundaries or degend myself then she will just tell me leave and break up with me. This would mean that she would take both my baby and step daughter and I would have to pay child support and hardly ever get to see my kids.

Am I being stupid in investing SO MUCH money, time and effort in a person with BPD that still treats me with little respect, is still overly neurotic despite 2 years of DBT therapy, and will certainly leave me if I even try to speak up and talk about my boundaries and what I want from this relationship.

Do I cut loose whilst I can or spend even more years investing in my partner whom is making such slow progress and isn't giving me the respect or attention I know I deserve considering how much I put into this relationship.

Your thoughts and comments are very much appreciated.

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lastlovelost]

I understand no one can tell me to leave or stay, so perhaps some advice on how to approach a conversation about my boundaries and how I want to be treated would be more beneficial.


I do love her and our children very much and don't want to break up our family. So at all costs I do want to make this work. I just don't want to be treated like this for the rest of our relationship. When every time I invest financially, with a house, a car, a baby, or give her a ring or another child I'll have so much more to lose.

I'm just really worried about my future when I am giving her more and more power over me.

[mitten]

This does not sound like a very satisfying relationship so I feel your pain.  The poor treatment, all the money/time you invest, and then to top it off having no intimacy can be the cherry on top of feeling like this isn't fair.  And to be honest, it's not fair, but it does seem like you're all in at this point.  Have you read any books on BPD and boundary setting?  Favorites here are "Stop Walking on Eggshells"  and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist".  With better boundaries many of us have felt better about our relationships and it's helped to make them work.  There is something huge to be said about being there for your daughter if possible, even though the relationship is so hard.

Also, watch your spending from now on.  BPD people are often super convincing that they need certain things so they will be happy (bigger house, new car, exotic vacations).  None of these things actually make them happier.  So set some firm financial goals and stick to them.  Also not a bad idea to have a stash of emergency funds (if this is possible for you) that they don't know about in case you can't meet the bills or an emergency pops up.   

[thankful person]

Hi last love,
I recognise where you’re at and I want to tell you that there is hope. I was also in a situation where I’d given my wife lots of money and given up many things for her and she was threatening divorce because I wasn’t good enough. I felt so trapped because of our children who I didn’t want to leave. Things came to a head because my wife had banned me from taking photos of our baby and sending them to my mother. One day my mother was so upset and I had visions of her dying and thinking I didn’t love her (she is in her 70’s). I told my wife that I would be taking photos and sending them to my mother whenever I wanted. She didn’t react well and it took her months to get over it. But she did. Then I discovered this amazing group who have helped me so much. You don’t have to announce your boundaries or even discuss them. Just do what you want to do. I became more confident the more issues I tackled. Today a friend from work came to the house to drop off some cash from work. My wife didn’t even bat an eyelid. Something that was never allowed in the past was to tell my friends our address. I regularly video call mum with the kids and she is even coming to visit soon (my wife actually invited her… she does odd things to try and retain some control but don’t mind!) Again this was something I never could do before. Good luck with the journey. Let the group know if you have any specific situations you need help with. Along with my own hard work, bpd family has saved my marriage. My wife still threatens divorce sometimes but I have challenged things to the core and we’re still together!