Struggling with being painted as a Narcissist

[Depression = 72% of members]

We've been together almost 10 years now, engaged about 3, and it seems like the last 4 or 5 years since she moved in that things have just gone downhill and I've been painted black for every little thing. I believe she has BPD and she's convinced I'm a Covert Narcissist. She's moved out once, but hardly spent any time at the apartment she rented and moved back within a few months. She left again last week and then asked to come back this week because logistically it makes sense, despite being an emotional difficulty for her. I've tried to work with her and be there for her and I'm doing better today than I have in the past. She constantly paints my actions as narcissistic and says everything I do is for me.

I'm not without my flaws for sure, and lately I've come to realize I'm battling an addiction that has absolutely complicated things for me and us. I'm reading, learning, watching any youtube video I can and I've talked to multiple counselors about me that have told me I'm not a narcissist. I know that the most important thing I can do is to take care of my health, but it's definitely a struggle and I frequently wish that I could wake a magic wand and fix things.

I'm grateful to have found this forum. I hope to read a lot over the next few days and weeks and learn even more. Hopefully I can find ways to make things better.

Edit: If I've got this in the wrong board or part of the forum, I'd ask the mods to move it to a more correct location.

[LeafontheWind]

We've been together almost 10 years now, engaged about 3, and it seems like the last 4 or 5 years since she moved in that things have just gone downhill and I've been painted black for every little thing. I believe she has BPD and she's convinced I'm a Covert Narcissist. She's moved out once, but hardly spent any time at the apartment she rented and moved back within a few months. She left again last week and then asked to come back this week because logistically it makes sense, despite being an emotional difficulty for her. I've tried to work with her and be there for her and I'm doing better today than I have in the past. She constantly paints my actions as narcissistic and says everything I do is for me.

I'm not without my flaws for sure, and lately I've come to realize I'm battling an addiction that has absolutely complicated things for me and us. I'm reading, learning, watching any youtube video I can and I've talked to multiple counselors about me that have told me I'm not a narcissist. I know that the most important thing I can do is to take care of my health, but it's definitely a struggle and I frequently wish that I could wake a magic wand and fix things.

I'm grateful to have found this forum. I hope to read a lot over the next few days and weeks and learn even more. Hopefully I can find ways to make things better.

Edit: If I've got this in the wrong board or part of the forum, I'd ask the mods to move it to a more correct location.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hey there Leaf,

Welcome to our community. You appear most definitely to be in the right forum. You'll see that there is lots of wisdom here. Zero judgement.

You've done a really great job of making things clear. There are lots of threads in your story - three that really stand out for me.

1) Dealing with the projection of your partner. This is not uncommon, as I am sure you have heard on YouTube or read. 

2) You name your own addiction issues. If you are aware of 12 step programs, you know that issues of substance or gambling abuse are usually paired with attachment styles that are not secure.

3) And then there is the issue of where this relationship is going just in general.

So, I'm wondering how this lands for you - my reflection that is?

I'd invite you to look around the site and see if any of the tools and articles resonate for  you. It might help you to focus on what you are hoping this community might offer in terms of coming to terms with what you are hoping for this relationship on one hand and your personal life on the other.

You appear to be in the fog of an emerging cross roads - which if you enter into it with clarity - has the potential to bring you the life satisfaction all people need and want.

If you had a magic wand in your hand, and your life was headed in the right direction, what would be the signs? How might you be different as an individual. How would your relationship be different than it is now?

Again - welcome!  It's nice to have you here.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Jabberwocky]

My uBPDw sometimes paints me as being utterly selfish (she wouldn't use the term narcissist, but I'm sure the meaning is the same).  The truth is that honestly, at my core I am pretty selfish (like everybody) and when I'm not paying attention I act that way.  This whole BPD thing is new to me, but right now, I'm only in the position to work on myself, learn to pay more attention, be certain that I'm regularly affirming her and avoiding the things that could be considered disrespecting her.    I realize that there is a fine line here, as I do want to have boundaries.  But I did promise to love, honor, and respect her many years ago, before God.  So I guess that isn't asking too much. 

[Cat Familiar]

We've been together almost 10 years now, engaged about 3, and it seems like the last 4 or 5 years since she moved in that things have just gone downhill and I've been painted black for every little thing.

BPD is a disorder of intimacy and since you began living together, the intimacy level has increased, and therefore so have the BPD symptoms. People with BPD are exceptionally skilled at being charming and personable at the beginning of a relationship. However, they are not able to maintain this, as they are only showing one side of their personality at the beginning. As the relationship matures, this “honeymoon phase” disappears and they become comfortable enough to manifest their more challenging personality traits, knowing that there is a level of commitment with their partner.

I believe she has BPD and she's convinced I'm a Covert Narcissist.

The best defense is a good offense, huh? It’s common that BPD partners claim their partners are narcissists, self absorbed, self indulgent, whatever. Often it’s people pleasers who end up paired with BPD partners, and when we hear criticisms like that, we just try harder, to no avail.

That you would ask therapists whether you’re a narcissist, seems, by definition, that you are not.

Hearing that I was selfish or self absorbed used to be a real trigger for me. My BPD mother initiated that one, and what kid isn’t selfish or self absorbed—it’s just part of the normal human maturation process.

So when my partner used this on me, it remained a big time trigger—until I figured out that it wasn’t. At some point, I just agreed. “Yep, I’m probably the most selfish person you ever met,” and smiled. I repeated a similar response a couple more times until the insult no longer landed and he quit trying.

I know that the most important thing I can do is to take care of my health,

Yes, absolutely. People with BPD can really cause a lot of wear and tear on our health, so we need to be mindful of taking good care of ourselves. Nothing selfish about that!

[SinisterComplex]

My uBPDw sometimes paints me as being utterly selfish (she wouldn't use the term narcissist, but I'm sure the meaning is the same).  The truth is that honestly, at my core I am pretty selfish (like everybody) and when I'm not paying attention I act that way.  This whole BPD thing is new to me, but right now, I'm only in the position to work on myself, learn to pay more attention, be certain that I'm regularly affirming her and avoiding the things that could be considered disrespecting her.    I realize that there is a fine line here, as I do want to have boundaries.  But I did promise to love, honor, and respect her many years ago, before God.  So I guess that isn't asking too much. 

So Jabber how you would qualify yourself as "selfish"...I mean when you say at your core and you say like everybody what do you mean? Just expound a little further on that for me if you will please.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Jabberwocky]

So Jabber how you would qualify yourself as "selfish"...I mean when you say at your core and you say like everybody what do you mean? Just expound a little further on that for me if you will please.

I mean that I tend to look to my emotions/desires first, and put them above the needs of others. 

[SaltyDawg]

True Narcissists are incapable of self-examining.  So, you are not a narcissist.

[SinisterComplex]

I mean that I tend to look to my emotions/desires first, and put them above the needs of others. 

MMM...actually I wouldn't say that is necessarily selfish. In truth I would tell you that is a healthier mind set to follow. Why? Um it is your life and your needs matter to. What I gather is that you have the ability to put others before you when necessary...again...healthy. Additionally, looking to your own emotions first means you have the potential develop your self-awareness to a higher level than many others...this is vital to your personal growth.

Essentially, I was trying to see if perhaps others were maybe putting thoughts in your head that you were selfish because of X, Y, and Z...

It appears to me you are a lot more balanced than you realize.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-