Order of Protection

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I told my uBPDh I wanted a divorce yesterday and I wanted it to be civil.

Today he went and supposedly filed for an order of protection against me.

He said he would dismiss it if I agreed not to file for divorce and just to separate and work on the marriage for a few months. I told him, no that I wanted a divorce. He's threatening me and left the apartment to make sure I get served.

I don't know what lies he told the court in order to get the OOP.

This is too much

[yellowbutterfly]

I told my uBPDh I wanted a divorce yesterday and I wanted it to be civil.

Today he went and supposedly filed for an order of protection against me.

He said he would dismiss it if I agreed not to file for divorce and just to separate and work on the marriage for a few months. I told him, no that I wanted a divorce. He's threatening me and left the apartment to make sure I get served.

I don't know what lies he told the court in order to get the OOP.

This is too much

[BigOof]

Been there, done that. This is simply the cost of doing business with pwBPD.

It'll get dismissed. First, get a lawyer. Second, record all interactions. Undoubtedly, he'll be dumb enough to try and directly leverage it over you. I'm suing my blamer ATM for the cost of getting the temporary OOP dismissed.

The goal is usually to kick you out of the residence while keeping you paying the bills.

[yellowbutterfly]

Thanks, @bigoof for the reply. It saddens me to know that this is part of the relationship with pwBPD.

He ran outside when I was packing and was calling the cops to arrest me. For what I can't even fathom.

I appreciate your insight. I've left the apartment and I'm staying with a friend. I have an experienced lawyer and I'm going to Family Court tomorrow to file for an OOP myself. I have a lot of evidence of his behavior. I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this but it has. It seems this divorce will get nasty because of his actions, not mine.



 

[ForeverDad]

I told my uBPDh I wanted a divorce yesterday and I wanted it to be civil.

Today he went and supposedly filed for an order of protection against me.

He said he would dismiss it if I agreed not to file for divorce and just to separate and work on the marriage for a few months. I told him, no that I wanted a divorce. He's threatening me and left the apartment to make sure I get served.

Do you have any documentation of this?  Any proof of him saying this will shoot him in the foot should he really file for an OOP against you.  He can't on the one hand file for protection and yet on the other hand seek to have you stay in the relationship.

Your lawyer should be able to check the local court's records whether he really did file something.  The courts have most of their filings listed even if sensitive ones are not displayed to online public browsing.

It's been noted that the risk of DV is heightened upon the start of separation and divorce.

We cannot predict every possible action, reaction or overreaction that a pwBPD may do, as we read from what he just did.  Clearly, your spouse decided to sabotage your upcoming divorce thunder by trying to get "protection" from you before you could file for divorce.  He must paint himself as the victim, not you.  Do proceed to seek your own OOP at your earliest opportunity.  Do include accounts of incidents, especially ones you have documented, whether by witnesses or evidence or details in your journals.

Do not share any more strategies with him lest he use them too against you or to derail them.

[kells76]

I'm with FD on this...

Today he went and supposedly filed for an order of protection against me. ... I don't know what lies he told the court in order to get the OOP.

Was he the one who told you that he filed for an OOP?

Don't believe it unless you (or your lawyer) actually see it on the record. Don't rely on you stbxH's word for what is or isn't happening.

[yellowbutterfly]

Thanks all

At the court now getting an oop for him to stay away. He filed for divorce supposedly per his lawyer. This is so stressful. Thank you for your support.

[yellowbutterfly]

Yes he told me he got an oop but he’d drop it if I agreed to stay in the marriage and not file for divorce.

[maxsterling]

Yes he told me he got an oop but he’d drop it if I agreed to stay in the marriage and not file for divorce.

My guess is this is just a threat/manipulation.  My W has threatened things before and says she will take certain legal matters if I don't do this or that, but deep down she knows the courts would not listen to her.  So I don't do anything and it just goes away for awhile.  She complains about me left and right but deep down she is TERRIFIED of being on her own. 

I filed for an OOP against her one time after a particularly explosive period.  I'm not even sure how it all came about, but after a violent episode in which I called police, I was contacted by a social worker who led me thru the process.  I had to document three incidents of domestic violence within the previous year.  I know I couldn't just say "she called me names", I had to document the dates and the specific threats to me.  They had to be incidents where she broke something, threw something, hit, threatened harm, etc.  It was then reviewed by a judge where I had to swear to my statements.  I was granted the order which was valid for a certain period of time, but had to be served in order to take effect.   I waited to serve it to see if she would agree to go into therapy, but kept a copy on me at all times in case a violent episode happened again.  I was staying out of the house at the time, and a few days later she unleashed a verbal tirade towards me over the phone.  I decided to serve the order, called to have it served, but they could not find her to serve it - I think she had gone to stay with a friend for awhile.  But later that day she said she was going to therapy, and after a few weeks things calmed down.  In hindsight, I regret not serving the order. 

Sure, your H could file for an OOP, but would probably need to lie in order to get it.  I think that is a harder road for a man to file against a woman - he would have to say he is threatened by domestic violence brought on by you and convince a judge of that.  Even if you are served, I am glad you have an L to help you deal with it. 

[ForeverDad]

Yes he told me he got an oop but he’d drop it if I agreed to stay in the marriage and not file for divorce.

The point I was making is that no one needs protection if they want you to stay.  The filing would fall flat on it face.  Filing the form is just the first step.  There has to be a followup hearing for ex parte cases, usually in a couple weeks, where both persons appear and can present both sides of the case, at which time the judge rules on whether it continues in force or is dismissed.

Either the court or your lawyer can confirm whether his divorce action has been filed.  (Likely if you can't file for divorce before the 15th, then he can't either.)  Since you don't know which papers or other ridiculous claims his divorce papers might contain, if your divorce paperwork is ready to go tomorrow, tell your lawyer to file it and then see whose is first.  The first one stamped and entered is what applies.  You know your motions and claims are reasonable, his would be outlandish at best.

[yellowbutterfly]

Thanks FD, I understood your point. Sadly, the court granted him an OOP yesterday. I can't go to my own apartment except for during a time window with the police. There is a hearing later this week.

I'm feel really down with his level of manipulation.

[BigOof]

yellowbutterfly, next you're going to receive a completely outrageous settlement agreement and be told to sign it or he'll seek a permanent order of protection.

Don't. Go to court and get it dismissed outright.

[BigOof]

yellowbutterfly, also, don't agree to anything temporary. Temporary equals permanent.

[ForeverDad]

Your lawyer should guide you through this.  You do not have to appear alone.

A general rule of thumb is that you never agree or settle to anything untrue.  Yes, a judge may or may not rule against you but, even so, you can still maintain your claim to innocent.  If you falsely admit to some level of guilt, such as to get it over with, then you give up too much.  After all, you cannot be forced to testify against yourself... you have a right to remain silent.

And you know he cannot prove whatever he has claimed.  At most he can prove how he felt or perceived things but that does not mean it is legally actionable.  On the other hand, judges may allow, with the discretion they have, an OOP to continue just on the assumption it will keep you two apart and avoid things getting into more serious incidents.

Still, it's possible the judge may continue the case, perhaps to require a psych eval.  If that happens try to get both of you evaluated.  That may be hard since this would be his claim against you, the accused.

Even though he filed against you does not mean you can't file one against him.  (Ask your lawyer!)  In my separation back in 2005-2006 my then-separated spouse and I both had OOPs against each other.  After a few months hers was withdrawn and mine was dismissed.

I still assume that if you can't file for divorce before tomorrow, then he can't either.  So it might be a race to the court house tomorrow morning.  Likely he won't have divorce paperwork ready by then. So the question is, Does your lawyer have your divorce paperwork ready for tomorrow?  Disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer, just "been there and done that".

Sorry for rambling on so many aspects, I just don't know how this may play out and want you to be aware of the many possible permutations for the outcomes.

[ForeverDad]

Also, if he has a legal history of filing OOPs against others then that may weaken his filing against you.  Most people never find their way into court records.  If he has done it multiple times before then it's possible he is misuing the judicial system.

You may be able to do some searches yourself for prior actions he may have started, but your lawyer may be able to do a more complete search.

[yellowbutterfly]

Good news is I have a very experienced lawyer. We have a hearing and she hopes to get this all to go away except to get a permanent OOP for me so he can't be in the apartment.

We don't care if he files first actually she said.

And yes I have so much actual evidence of his behavior including some past arrest records for assault that someone pulled. I hope to get this to go away

[yellowbutterfly]

I have never felt so violated! My uBPDh got a OOP that excludes me from my own apartment. Plus, I only had 20 mins to get my things and had to be escorted by the police who were very nice. I have a hearing tomorrow to determine who gets the apartment (it's my lease) and who gets a permanent OOP against the other.

His petition and divorce complaint he filed are FULL OF INSANE LIES.

This is so sad, dehumanizing, and I'm feeling stupid for not getting a OOP sooner and filing under cruel & unusual treatment. UGH UGH UGH UGH