FT Parents' Session Round 3

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well...there are some big items now on the table/in the open since last parents' session, and I have to say little by little I'm feeling better about this new Family T.

Last month, D13 went through a formal evaluation with a neuropsychologist for ADHD, OCD, etc. and the report was available this past Tuesday.  The finding was that D13 does not have ADHD...she now has a formal diagnosis of Unspecified Trauma (the only other diagnostic option besides actual PTSD, which she does not qualify for), and OCD (which the neuropsychologist confirmed is most likely from the trauma.

I was not expecting to see it in black and white from a clinical professional, but the report included very clear statements regarding uBPDxw, including:

In the History Review:

When D13 was in the 4th grade, D13's relationship with her parent, uBPDxw, became increasingly strained. D13’s parents underwent a “high-conflict” divorce. During this time, D13 preferred to be out of the house and attempted to go to school as early as possible. D13 observed domestic violence within the home and saw her parent throw objects in anger."

In Impressions & Recommendations:

D13 has experienced trauma related to her relationship with her adoptive parent. D13 witnessed domestic violence and anger directed toward her.

Not surprisingly, based on the results, uBPDxw had some agenda items to add for our parent session that happened yesterday.  By email to Family T with me copied, she said:

• I am seeking clarity on how the history/intake was performed, and why very important historical events in D13's life seem to have been left out? ie:  early anger and OCD tendencies, period of "disengagement" as suggested by marital counselor and the report said no history of suicidal ideation although there were two incidents in August/September 2020 (one at ED Clinic and one at home leading to the ER)
• Family T, can you help us understand possible reasons why D13's visual memory scores were so low, and how we can help to improve this?
• Was PTSD (and/or abuse a concern when D13 was at ED Clinic? In her work with D13's T?  Parental concern? Former Family T?  More specifically, why is this the first time it is coming up given her extensive therapeutic history?

And in session, she tried to hint that the trauma could be from something else (like her hospitalization itself).  Lots of attempts at diversion and deflection though she made a point to try to sound like she was taking responsibility for her part.  The way she portrayed D13's prior history of anger/OCD was not accurate, and the whole "disengagement" topic is completely immaterial to uBPDxw's abusive behavior.

I was able to answer about the memory question...the neuropsychologist said she wasn't concerned about memory and believed the lower scores had more to do with D13's perfectionism and second-guessing her answers, which Family T also validated.  And I also pointed out that the whole focus of the ED Clinic was treatment of the active eating disorder--not the underlying cause...which Family T also backed me up on.  Thankfully, Family T was very skillful in doing all of that and keeping uBPDxw engaged in the discussion at the same time, so maybe uBPDxw took in at least a little bit of reality.

As far as the question about "why is this the first time it is coming up"...well, it's not.  It's just the first time that she can't explain it away and dismiss anything D13 said about abusive behavior.  It shouldn't, but it amazes me that uBPDxw can not recognize that all of this is exactly why we had the meeting with Former Family T and Former PC back in May of 2019...and why I ended up filing for the custody change in November of that year.

mw

[mama-wolf]

Well...there are some big items now on the table/in the open since last parents' session, and I have to say little by little I'm feeling better about this new Family T.

Last month, D13 went through a formal evaluation with a neuropsychologist for ADHD, OCD, etc. and the report was available this past Tuesday.  The finding was that D13 does not have ADHD...she now has a formal diagnosis of Unspecified Trauma (the only other diagnostic option besides actual PTSD, which she does not qualify for), and OCD (which the neuropsychologist confirmed is most likely from the trauma.

I was not expecting to see it in black and white from a clinical professional, but the report included very clear statements regarding uBPDxw, including:

In the History Review:

When D13 was in the 4th grade, D13's relationship with her parent, uBPDxw, became increasingly strained. D13’s parents underwent a “high-conflict” divorce. During this time, D13 preferred to be out of the house and attempted to go to school as early as possible. D13 observed domestic violence within the home and saw her parent throw objects in anger."

In Impressions & Recommendations:

D13 has experienced trauma related to her relationship with her adoptive parent. D13 witnessed domestic violence and anger directed toward her.

Not surprisingly, based on the results, uBPDxw had some agenda items to add for our parent session that happened yesterday.  By email to Family T with me copied, she said:

• I am seeking clarity on how the history/intake was performed, and why very important historical events in D13's life seem to have been left out? ie:  early anger and OCD tendencies, period of "disengagement" as suggested by marital counselor and the report said no history of suicidal ideation although there were two incidents in August/September 2020 (one at ED Clinic and one at home leading to the ER)
• Family T, can you help us understand possible reasons why D13's visual memory scores were so low, and how we can help to improve this?
• Was PTSD (and/or abuse a concern when D13 was at ED Clinic? In her work with D13's T?  Parental concern? Former Family T?  More specifically, why is this the first time it is coming up given her extensive therapeutic history?

And in session, she tried to hint that the trauma could be from something else (like her hospitalization itself).  Lots of attempts at diversion and deflection though she made a point to try to sound like she was taking responsibility for her part.  The way she portrayed D13's prior history of anger/OCD was not accurate, and the whole "disengagement" topic is completely immaterial to uBPDxw's abusive behavior.

I was able to answer about the memory question...the neuropsychologist said she wasn't concerned about memory and believed the lower scores had more to do with D13's perfectionism and second-guessing her answers, which Family T also validated.  And I also pointed out that the whole focus of the ED Clinic was treatment of the active eating disorder--not the underlying cause...which Family T also backed me up on.  Thankfully, Family T was very skillful in doing all of that and keeping uBPDxw engaged in the discussion at the same time, so maybe uBPDxw took in at least a little bit of reality.

As far as the question about "why is this the first time it is coming up"...well, it's not.  It's just the first time that she can't explain it away and dismiss anything D13 said about abusive behavior.  It shouldn't, but it amazes me that uBPDxw can not recognize that all of this is exactly why we had the meeting with Former Family T and Former PC back in May of 2019...and why I ended up filing for the custody change in November of that year.

mw

[I Am Redeemed]

Well, even with the facts in black and white on paper, it seems like she's trying to find a way to stay in denial about the impacts of her behavior on others. She probably can't tolerate the truth.

Family T will most likely be able to see that. This report gives some insight into the dynamics and the extent of the trauma that D13 (and you) experienced. I would think that any good family T would take this information and use it to help guide treatment goals going forward, especially concerning things that impact S9.

[livednlearned]

It's a very similar response to the one that n/BPDx gave when he processed any kind of evaluation, including his own.

Is your ex an attorney? n/BPDx was a former trial attorney. I see similarities in how they respond to the documents. It's almost like they're poking holes in the prosecution instead of learning what professionals have to say about their child's trauma.

It's really great that the professionals evaluating D13 refer to trauma instead of OCD or ADHD. I feel certain my son's diagnosis had to do with trauma, not just from his dad but also from being on the spectrum, which meant managing sensory overload to a degree that overwhelmed him, especially at a fragile stage in his development and a dad who mocked him for things out of his control. But evaluators focused on OCD and ADHD, and even oppositional defiant disorder, which was bizarre to me because he's an agreeable kid.

While I see some of those behaviors, I can't imagine they would rise to the level of a diagnosis.

Anyway, great news, mama-wolf. It's nice to see something positive happen 

[mama-wolf]

Is your ex an attorney? n/BPDx was a former trial attorney. I see similarities in how they respond to the documents. It's almost like they're poking holes in the prosecution instead of learning what professionals have to say about their child's trauma.

Oh yes...very much an attorney, and it is definitely her pattern to try to litigate and argue every single detail to get to how she thinks things should be perceived.  Doing so also keeps attention off the larger patterns and themes of her behavior.

But evaluators focused on OCD and ADHD, and even oppositional defiant disorder, which was bizarre to me because he's an agreeable kid.

Yeah...for years, my ex has tried to push/suggest ODD as the fundamental issue with D13, and I just couldn't see it.  Not with what I knew of her personality and behavior.  I'm sure it had everything to do with the fact that pathologizing D13's behavior absolved uBPDxw of responsibility for her own.  Just as she's now spending so much energy wondering how I have somehow skewed the diagnosis, so that she can convince herself even now that it's not true.

mw

[livednlearned]

Oh yes...very much an attorney, and it is definitely her pattern to try to litigate and argue every single detail to get to how she thinks things should be perceived.  Doing so also keeps attention off the larger patterns and themes of her behavior.

Do you see signs that her pattern (to litigate the details) is beginning to overshadow everything else? Is she using this demeanor to bully the FT?

[mama-wolf]

Thankfully over the last two parent sessions and my one-on-one session with her a couple months ago, I don't think think the new FT is likely to get distracted or bullied in the way you're asking. 

In fact, when I acknowledged one-on-one to FT that I fundamentally don't trust uBPDxw's judgement, she had asked what it might take for me to say that to uBPDxw...to speak up about the larger themes rather than getting bogged down in the details of each individual situation.  I think she may have actually said "litigate every detail" when we were discussing it.  I understand what she was getting at, but also am not sure how I'm supposed to just sit in a family therapy session and say that.  I know I'd have to be able to trust the FT to navigate from there, but I also know that part of the question would be "what would it take for you to..." and I don't have any idea how I could even begin to answer that.

But either way, generally speaking I am starting to feel more confident that FT can handle uBPDxw tendencies in this regard.  Doesn't hurt that FT is very experienced in dealing with these kinds of situations...and also has a JD herself even though she doesn't practice law.

mw

[livednlearned]

That's good to hear!

In fact, when I acknowledged one-on-one to FT that I fundamentally don't trust uBPDxw's judgement, she had asked what it might take for me to say that to uBPDxw...to speak up about the larger themes rather than getting bogged down in the details of each individual situation.

 

I would find this hard to do, too. Maybe if it were just regular ol' family therapy without the high stakes and legal spotlights shining on you and the kids. I'm also wondering why the FT doesn't kind of coach you on how to say things that accomplish what she's suggesting. I would want some guidance, or a sense that FT had my back to the extent I could make an attempt knowing it wouldn't end badly.

You really are amazing, mama-wolf. Everything you've been through...it's a lot.

Doesn't hurt that FT is very experienced in dealing with these kinds of situations...and also has a JD herself even though she doesn't practice law.

Wow! That's an interesting background to have. Seems helpful, like you say.

[kells76]

when I acknowledged one-on-one to FT that I fundamentally don't trust uBPDxw's judgement, she had asked what it might take for me to say that to uBPDxw...to speak up about the larger themes rather than getting bogged down in the details of each individual situation.  I think she may have actually said "litigate every detail" when we were discussing it.  I understand what she was getting at

I'm curious about what you think the FT's goal would be, were you to tell uBPDxw in a FT session, in front of the FT, that you don't trust xW's judgment?

I have a hypothesis and I'm wondering whether it's similar to your understanding of what the FT was getting at.

...

It's jaw-dropping, in a way, that xW can be presented with a laundry list of "here's how your choices have impacted a child" and the first thing xW pivots to is "let me explain why I'm the real victim here". And yet, it seems to match your previous experiences, that it doesn't take long for xW to publicly and shockingly undermine herself in front of professionals.

[mama-wolf]

I'm also wondering why the FT doesn't kind of coach you on how to say things that accomplish what she's suggesting. I would want some guidance, or a sense that FT had my back to the extent I could make an attempt knowing it wouldn't end badly.

I got the sense that FT was setting up the subject in order to do just that...but we just aren't there yet.  My trust in her is growing, but these sessions are so stressful that it's going to take some time before I can put myself out there like that.

You really are amazing, mama-wolf. Everything you've been through...it's a lot.

Thank you so much lnl...it definitely has been a lot.

I'm curious about what you think the FT's goal would be, were you to tell uBPDxw in a FT session, in front of the FT, that you don't trust xW's judgment?

I suspect that the goal is for us to have meaningful discussion (managed and contained by the FT) about the fundamental barriers to us being able to co-parent in a more collaborative way.   With an expected out come that we be able to identify what needs to happen in order to overcome or resolve those barriers.  I know that's where the work is, though I have absolutely no faith that uBPDxw will be able to do that work so that anything will change for the better.

We had a small practice run with that in our initial session.  uBPDxw had stopped sending me custody exchange updates, which was an agreement we have had for years.  I had used it as an example of her not following through on agreements, which FT identified as causing a lack of trust on my part.  The outcome was a recommendation for uBPDxw to resume the updates, which she has, though in a minimal fashion just to say she has followed the recommendation.  Either way, I see future discussion progressing along these same lines.

It's jaw-dropping, in a way

It absolutely is.  And it's so disappointing and upsetting for my kids, but I'm at least glad to see that the professionals are catching on more quickly.

mw