Finding serenity

[SpaceColonist]

It's difficult to know how to begin. My wife (of 36 years now) was diagnosed with BPD somewhere around 2010. She believes that she has healed from same, but I believe that I still see symptoms: frequent statements that I have "abandoned" her and that she is "alone"; alternating between idealizing me and devaluing me; frequent statements of feeling "lost" and "empty"; a recent binge on alcohol; frequent statements of wishing to die; fluctuations in mood between intense anger, happiness, and depression, over periods ranging from hours to a couple of days; and suspicion/mistrust.
Over the past 9 months, I have "lost it" with my wife 5 or 6 times - 4 times, I screamed so loud I was hoarse afterwards, saying that I'd "had it", "can't stand it anymore", accused her of "provoking me", and threw her past borderline diagnosis in her face. On one occasion, I even felt the urge to throw something at her, but fortunately restrained myself. This behavior is reprehensible to me; and I've started to feel like I don't know myself anymore. We are in marital therapy - but increasingly, not even 24 hours after a session, we've had another ugly conflict. I long to find serenity within myself - so that no matter whatever happens, I will feel compassion for my wife, remain calm, and refrain from saying/doing anything unkind. Does anyone have suggestions as to where to start?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SinisterComplex]

It's difficult to know how to begin. My wife (of 36 years now) was diagnosed with BPD somewhere around 2010. She believes that she has healed from same, but I believe that I still see symptoms: frequent statements that I have "abandoned" her and that she is "alone"; alternating between idealizing me and devaluing me; frequent statements of feeling "lost" and "empty"; a recent binge on alcohol; frequent statements of wishing to die; fluctuations in mood between intense anger, happiness, and depression, over periods ranging from hours to a couple of days; and suspicion/mistrust.
Over the past 9 months, I have "lost it" with my wife 5 or 6 times - 4 times, I screamed so loud I was hoarse afterwards, saying that I'd "had it", "can't stand it anymore", accused her of "provoking me", and threw her past borderline diagnosis in her face. On one occasion, I even felt the urge to throw something at her, but fortunately restrained myself. This behavior is reprehensible to me; and I've started to feel like I don't know myself anymore. We are in marital therapy - but increasingly, not even 24 hours after a session, we've had another ugly conflict. I long to find serenity within myself - so that no matter whatever happens, I will feel compassion for my wife, remain calm, and refrain from saying/doing anything unkind. Does anyone have suggestions as to where to start?

First, SpaceColonist, or for fun the other "SC" LOL.  . Welcome to the fam. Happy you found us, sorry to hear about the circumstances that led you to seeking us out.

Please continue to vent and share as much as you need to or want to. You will see some of my other team members check in on you as well as other members of the forum.

In the meantime, please be kind to you and please take care of yourself. I will be keeping a close eye on you and will check back in and provide some more insight when I get a chance.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Cat Familiar]

Emotions you’ve stuffed away for years have a way of eventually breaking through. Perhaps the first step is to be kind to yourself. Being married to a BPD spouse for 36 years is quite an accomplishment!

Do you have an individual counselor? Having someone well versed in personality disorders could help you process the distress you experience dealing with your wife, and give you some helpful strategies.

In the meantime, remember none of us are saints, and being with someone who has emotional dysregulation issues is very trying.

[Lifehasitsups]

You are not alone my friend and serenity is something I wish for as well. I am working with my therapist to find ways to remain compassionate and patient with my uBPDw of 12 years. I am working through the stress and tension that has led to my hands falling asleep every night and terrible jaw tension. I wish I had advice for you but I am not there yet. I want you to know your not alone. I love this quote and spent some time looking for it to share with you.

“People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills,  There is nowhere that a man can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind ... So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself." -Marcus Aurelius.

Here are two more amazing ones I found while looking for that one and will focus on for the next couple days are:

“Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” – Ronald Reagan.

“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” – Gautama Buddha.

I need less resentful thoughts. Wish I could be more helpful to you and best of luck my friend.

[SaltyDawg]

I feel your pain.  My therapist metaphorically compared any Borderline to being an alcoholic - so I could more easily understand the dynamics involved.  If they are "healed" they are actually in remission with a chance for relapse - any professional Therapist who tells you that they are healed or cured is doing the Borderline and their caretaker(s) a tremendous disservice by doing that.  When they are in a rage / splitting episode they can be blackout drunk on don't even realize the pain that they have caused while the caretaker [me and it sounds like you too] is still very pissed off at what happened -- before I realized this (2 months ago in a 21-3/4 year relationship, 19-1/2 married) I would take her attacks personally and I would respond in kind, and now our marriage is still in crises as it has been for the past 15 years.

If feel what you have described is that you are a caretaker of a borderline, I highly recommend that you read this book (it opened my eyes to my reactive abuse of yelling back when my wife she was/is having a Raging/Splitting Borderline Episodes).  Section 1 - described my feelings/actions/behaviors (for me is was >99% accurate), the sections after that describe how to handle it.

Also, I feel that you should seek individual therapy to address these issues.  It is incredibly difficult to find one that specializes in dealing with caretaking a Borderline -- I am currently looking for one now and have yet to find one.  That's one of the reasons why I am on this forum. :/

The audio Book is a little over 8 hours, or about a 3-5 hour read if you read it straight through - it took me longer to re-read many sections and take copious notes.

The book you need to find (our local library had this - both audio and in print):

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad

[Lifehasitsups]

Thanks. I am halfway through that book and it was really hard to read because, like you, 99% accurate about my circumstances. I am just getting to the part about how to make changes and accept what is.

[SpaceColonist]

To Salty Dawg: Thanks so much for the book suggestion!
And to all who responded: Thanks so much for your understanding and compassion! Several of you recommended finding an individual therapist, and I'm seriously considering that.

[Couscous]

I highly recommend checking out some of your local Al-Anon meetings. I have actually found Al-Anon to be more helpful than therapy.

[SaltyDawg]

Space colonist ,

I highly recommend getting in individual therapist to understand the borderline how to manage one by setting up firm boundaries with consequences.

Not all therapists are created equal, so if you don't click with the first therapist, find another one. Fortunately in my claims, even though this guy had a PhD in psychology, he knew he was in above his head and he found an appropriate therapist for me as he did not understand it borderline cuz he himself his first wife was a borderline and he took the easy way out of divorcing her.

Also, if your wife is still having issues with alcohol, attend alcoholics anonymous meetings with or without her, to gain a better perspective as her 12-step program is awesome in dealing with borderline type personalities as couscous has suggested.

[Notwendy]

Over the past 9 months, I have "lost it" with my wife 5 or 6 times - 4 times, I screamed so loud I was hoarse afterwards, saying that I'd "had it", "can't stand it anymore", accused her of "provoking me", and threw her past borderline diagnosis in her face.

 I long to find serenity within myself - so that no matter whatever happens, I will feel compassion for my wife, remain calm, and refrain from saying/doing anything unkind.

I am not sure you are asking for something that is good to do.  We humans are wired with emotions. They serve a purpose- to inform us about ourselves. What we do to act on them- that is under our control, but if you are asking to feel serene when your emotions are informing you that something isn't OK, then you are asking to be numb and tuned out. Yes, that's possible but it involves not being who you are and just being a doormat.

If someone pulls a dog's tail, it might ignore it and walk away. If the person then keeps on pulling the tail, the dog might growl. If it keeps happening, the dog might eventually bite the human. Does the dog have an anger management problem?

What if, emotionally, your emotional "tail" is being pulled and you have tried to ignore it, but eventually you just can't stay calm any more? Is the solution to learn to ignore it longer or to pay attention to your anger and  choose  a rational response?

Now of course, any violence is inappropriate behavior and there's no excuse for that. It's a good goal to not act out in an aggressive and violent manner. We can control that, but the goal is to feel our emotions and make a rational decision about them, not tune them out.
 
There is an aspect to the 12 steps idea of serenity ( and I also recommend that program ) and emotional sobriety that involves us examining our emotions and becoming less emotionally reactive to others but it doesn't mean to not feel them. On the contrary, it means being more tuned in to them and taking actions to self care when we feel angry, tired, and other uncomfortable feelings. It means gaining the courage to act more in line with our own values and be more authentic, which is scary if one is walking on eggshells. I also agree with the others that counseling is helpful in this process as support is important.

[Manic Miner]

This is purely my opinion and you should take it with a grain of salt.

I have been to at least 7 different therapists over the last 20 years. Some were doctors or psychiatrists, some psychologists. I have learned something new from each visit. And I think many can help you deal with usual crisis or hardships of life.

That being said, none of those 7 therapists actually helped me deal with my emotions, exhaustion and sadness as a caretaker of uBPD wife. Speaking long term. Even before I suspected it was BPD. This community and books I have read had far greater impact on me, providing actual know-how than any of those 7 therapists combined!

Up to this day, I can tell all kind of stories, all kind of issues and their reaction vary. They almost always look at the big picture and frame each of us as "sane" or overlook my exhaustion or past tries with uBPD W. Or even dismiss the fact that I suspect that it's personality disorder at work.
I noticed I had to re-emphasize same stuff every single session, otherwise their response would be a bit 'generic'. It's almost like I had to "remind them" of my problems and issues I dealt with.

My wife has quit marriage counseling and the greatest impact on our therapist was the fact that she quit. While that really speaks volumes by itself, I can't hide the fact that her quitting therapy seemed more important to my T than all stories I previously told him.
That almost looked like it was an ego-thing on his part.

To cut long story short, my experience with therapy and therapists has been mixed at best. While they did help me a lot, there was always something new they'd point out - and that's good, for the money involved and all the time and energy I poured in, it was not particularly good value at all.

If you have a genuinely good, caring friend or a family member, good selection of books and this community can help you far more than you'll get at most T sessions. Therapy is good for once in a while, check-ups, reality-checks, but good luck with them treating your caretaking of uBPD.

[Notwendy]

This is purely my opinion and you should take it with a grain of salt.


My wife has quit marriage counseling and the greatest impact on our therapist was the fact that she quit.



If you have a genuinely good, caring friend or a family member, good selection of books and this community can help you far more than you'll get at most T sessions.

I think that therapists' ability to help can vary according to a lot of different factors. It's probably significant that your wife quit MC because that actually isn't very effective for BPD and unless the person with BPD is motivated, therapy won't work.

There are reasons why caretaking/enabling a disordered person makes people unhappy. Because to do so requires them to be inauthentic, walking on eggshells, and reacting out of fear. This is different from choosing to be a caregiver, like for a disabled spouse or parent, but to do this effectively requires boundaries or the caregiver risks emotional burn out. Boundaries are essential for being a caregiver. With caretaking, boundaries are lacking. This is not an emotionally healthy situation, and so doesn't result in being happy for most people. It's also not about expecting marriage to always be happy and not honoring commitment. All marriages have ups and downs but dysfunction is different than that, and it's between both people.

So if the expectation is that a therapist will help you to be happy in a situation that not good for you emotionally, they may not be effective much at all. The solution is more likely less caretaking. That's a scary situation, but a skilled therapist can help you face the fears and emotions that doing so might bring up for you. Friends are not objective enough to do that.

[Manic Miner]

So if the expectation is that a therapist will help you to be happy in a situation that not good for you emotionally, they may not be effective much at all. The solution is more likely less caretaking. That's a scary situation, but a skilled therapist can help you face the fears and emotions that doing so might bring up for you. Friends are not objective enough to do that.

It's been a while since I thought therapists would help me be happier with pwBPD. Since then I've learned it's my work and my own only. They are here to guide me and make sure I'm not going "astray" or stay trapped in a dysfunctional behaviour.

The solution is more likely less caretaking.

See, you already suggested a possible way of making it better. And you are probably right. No therapist of mine even mentioned caretaking, let alone said something about it. They did say that I should focus on myself more - that's ok. But I already know that. What is the best way to deal with this? How to effectively go through this with least damage? What about the sadness? They all acknowledge that, but little to no solution unless I tell them something.

For example, I told my therapist what I have learned on this forum - that if pwBPD can regulate themselves in the public to look good, they could also regulate themselves when being alone with us, but decide not to. To that he said "yes, that's true" and commented something further.
But question I asked myself then - well, why didn't YOU tell me that? Why I had to tell you something I have read on the forums, so you could agree or assure me that was right?
I first have to educate myself here, or by the book and then go with a therapist to discuss it. It's kind of passive approach.

You are completely right that friends aren't objective enough. That's why I still told no one about this. I did tell my cousin briefly, never mentioning BPD issue at all. But If I had only one friend that could be completely honest and unbiased, I would, as sometimes therapy sessions for me are like talking to a knowledgeable and unbiased friend, but nothing more.

[Notwendy]

I found the 12 step program to be very helpful and what surprised me was that only one therapist, suggested that.

But the person has to be ready as it's not easy to stop caretaking/enabling behaviors. These are our coping behaviors and they are also maladaptive, and when we stop, we then have to face the issues we are using them to cope for. One is the fear of the other person's reaction, fear of them leaving, fear of not being seen as the "good guy" and things like that. When we see that we are actually being controlling of the other person's reaction in order to soothe our own feelings, caretaking doesn't sound so nice. We have to learn to be able to manage our feelings while the other person might be out of control. We have to learn that even if they call us names, or even leave us, none of that has anything to do with us.

I found that a sponsor is a good resource for support during these times.