A very very complex situation...

[dreamer86]

Hi,
first of all I wish to apologize if my english is not perfect, I'm from Italy and discover this board several weeks ago.
My story is like a roller coaster, crazy roller coaster, or maybe.. a Netflix series.
I've met my ex boyfriend on September 2021 and for me it was love at first sight.
During our relationship he lied to me about a lot of things and still now I don't fully understand why... he lied about his age (said 26, and after 4 months discovered it was 22), nationality, surname... about his family.. (he told me that he was adopted, that's why he lied on the surname and nationality... but infact after some months I discovered that also that was a lie... he was never adopted)... about the man who lives with him (42 years old).. I still not know who he is and what he do with my ex... the only think I know is that he was scared I could meet this man, he always talked about him as an animal, as someone who treat him like if he was his property etc..etc..
anyway... long story short... he told me several times I was is soulmate, he loved me so much (and let me feel this love) but suddenly.. after our first holidays together in Paris (March 2022).. he started slowly to be like if he was on a swing... and I started to be less patient about the fact that several things were not so clear (first of all the man who was living with him)... he started to say me that he was not sure about what he wanted... that he was scared to be hurted by me.. as more we were together as more he was scared... I remember one time, while crying, he told me that he doesn't want that nothing could happen to me and he doesn't want to have me involved in his troubles.. and so it was better to break up... (and the day after come back...)
I'm not sure he suffers from BPD, but during the last two months of our relationship, one time he told me that he went to a psychiatrist (not sure if it was true) and that he suggested him to take quetiapine and sertraline every day several times... he said me "just to manage my sleeping issues"...
Last month of our relationship was a nightmare... my birthday was on 12 may, the day before he wrote me a of messages telling me how much important I was for him, how much he loved me etc... and the day of my birthday... I was a little bit late for the dinner (infact we didn't decided a specific hour) 'cause I have to talk with one of my employee for a serious problem in the company (and he was aware about that)... when I arrive after that meeting, he was really angry... he started to say me that he throwed away the cake that he took as a surprise, that he felt like abandoned and that maybe I was having a drink with someone else, that he checked near my office if my car was there and it wasn't (not true.. my car was there) etc...etc... that night I was very upset and sad... it was my birthday and he ruined it in the worst way possible..
he reached me out a couple of days later and apologized for his reaction... but then we had another discussion because I explained him that I was a little bit upset 'cause I thinked that the only reason why he have to throw away the cake ('cause it had melted he said) was the fact that he cannot put the cake inside the fridge otherwise he had to explain to the man who lives there with him for who was that cake...
anyway.. at the end of that discussion he said me "when you will be really calm in the future, ask me to marry you"
A couple of days after this, we met for a drink and he told me that he was thinking about the fact that in the last months I changed a lot, from his point of view I was more slim and also he was wondering if maybe I was too old for him... how is it possible that someone two days before says that he wanted to marry you and then he wonders if you are "too old" ?
We discussed again... I said him that sometimes I felt like if I was his fertilizer and he said me that maybe it was better to end our relationship, because I deserve a better person than him, that he doesn't want to let me involved in his negativity etc..etc...
Next morning I went near his office, waiting him for the breakfast, I wish to make him a surprise... I waited and waited but he didn't arrive so I go back to take my car at the parking and while I was going there, I crossed him on the road.. at that moment I was feeling sad so I looked down and proceed on my path... an hour later he sent me a message saying that i was a stalker, i must disappear from his life, that this was not love but only hate etc..etc.. So I said him "ok, you'll never see me again. I love you and you know that I have no doubt about me and you, but if you ask me to disappear, I'll do".
And that's what I've done. In the next days I was very very sad.. so after three days of sadness, I decided to take a flight and reach my friend (girl) at Ibiza just to relax a little bit a disconnect from the situation in which I was.
Last day I was in Ibiza (I stayed there three days) I received a message from him saying that he loved me so much and missed me. I replied saying that for me was the same.. but as soon as I told him that I was in Ibiza, he became mad.. he started to say me that I left him, that I was not respectful for our relationship and so on...
anyway next day I come back, we met and he was very happy to meet me... he started to tell me that he thinks that he his bipolar but that there is not diagnosis about that and finished the conversation by breaking up saying that maybe he is too young for me and that I'm a cool brilliant man that deserve better in life...
I didn't give up and in the next days I tried to be very pleasant and put him in a situation of total comfort and relax... but... on sunday.. after we didn't saw each other for a couple of days.. he met me for a coffee and said me that he doesn't feel nothing for me.. and so.. he wanted to break up... I accepted.. saying that this is not what I wanted but I couldn't insist if the doesn't want...
after a week of silence I crossed him near his house and so I wrote him a message saying that I saw him and I wish to talk a little bit together... he started telling me that he doesn't want nothing from me, that for him it was finished, that he doesn't feel nothing for me unless hate etc...etc... but at the end he reached me out. So we talked a little bit without big results honestly... that evening we discussed again... 'cause as usual he started to provoke me by messages and so I made the mistake to tell him that I was doubting also that the story of the psychotropic drugs maybe was another lie... he got mad, he sent me the photo of the drugs and said me "now disappear from my life, if something will happen to me it will be only your fault".. for this I asked him where he was and reached him. He started to scream against me saying that the only thing I had to do was that he his a good guy, instead of believing on all the lies he told in the past. That he really thinked that I was his soulmate but discover that I was a different person etc...etc.. and while he was screaming this he was kicking very hard the steering wheel of his car... I was without words...
I was not understanding: he left me, he decided to broke up with me, but he was so upset about the end of our relationship? What?
Anyway we said goodbye by telling each other we wish the best in the life and that's all...
This was Saturday.. end of May.. .on Monday morning I found a whatsapp message on my phone, by him, that was promplty deleted, so I didn't know what he wrote in it.. I, so, sent him a message asking if all it was ok and if he needed something.. he said me "no it was nothing important" and so I said him "ok, it is enought that you are feeling good"
and here starts the completely madness... after 1 day of that message, he started sending messages to my psychotherapist saying that he needs help, because I was a stalker, he cannot live anymore, he was living in terror, that I was a really bad person etc...etc...
When my doctor informed me about this I was scared, without words and not understanding what was happening.. so after some day, at the end of the week.. I sent him a message saying "I'm worried about you. I wish you feel good, I want to give you something, let me know if I can send it to your home or we can meet" (I wrote him a letter)... after few minutes he called me... and he kept me at the phone for one hours shouting every bad word possible against me, he said me that I left him as a tree without leaves and with dead branches, that I ruined his life and his psycostability, that only one thing I shouldn't done and I've done that (what? he didn't answer when I asked explanations) and all other terrible things... during this monologue I tried to say him that I was sorry for how he was feeling, that I never left him, I never abandoned him etc... but it was totaly useless...
a couple of days after I sent him a message, telling him that I was always here if he needed something 'cause I love him... he started writing me that I have to disappear, that he hates me, I make him feeling bad, he was suffering a lot 'cause of me and that I was a stalker etc..etc... and ended saying me that we will never meet again, he will cancel me from his life and that I'm a cancer for him...  I was orrified...
he blocked me everywere, a couple of weeks after I tried to reach him sending a short email.. telling that if he wanted to meet for a drink and maybe talk a little bit I was available... and that I never cheated him..
well.. I never received an answer to that email... but few weeks later I received a letter from a lawyer.. in which he was saying that I was been reported to the police for stalking and harassment...

then I talked to a lawyer and he said me that from his point of view this was an attemp to extort some moneys... anyway.. we waited for a month and few weeks ago my lawyer sent a letter to his lawer saying that by reporting me to the police he have commited the crime of slander. After few hours my lawyer received an answer from the other party in which he said that "no infact we didn't filed a report to the police 'cause on August he stopped his stalking and harassment..." ... don't know what to think...

I'm totally lost... this story is completely crazy... I have a lot of thouths in my mind... I was not aware about bpd before all of this... and now I'm pretty convinced that he has bpd... and also a mixture of other things... who is that man that lives with him? why he was scared about that man? searching on google his surname (of my ex) and the city in which he lives.. appears some old news related to this family that manage the racket of prostitution, is this his family? maybe he has been sold to this man?

I'm loosing my mind.. I don't understand what happens and what is happening.. for sure I made some mistakes.. also probably by don't knowing about bpd and his difficulties... but why it seems so impossible to reach out together and talk? It seems so simple...

I don't belive that he really doesn't love me anymore and hates me.. it seems so incredible...

I wish to help him.. to love him.. to be near him wherever and whenever he needs.. but it seems that there is no way ...

I wish to have some suggestions by you.. how can I try to get back together.. or at least to have the possibility to take care of him.. or let him know that I take care of him... without receiving back insults and bad words...

thank you..

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dreamer86]

Can you help me figuring out how all of this was possible and how can I have lost completely myself finding me doing things I never done before? :/

Thanks..

[kells76]

Dreamer86, hello and welcome to the site 

You're right that you've been in a complex situation -- there's a lot going on in your relationship with your ex. (And no worries about the English, plenty of people here have various first languages, and we can understand you just fine!)

This question of yours really stood out to me:

how can I have lost completely myself finding me doing things I never done before?

It's a question that so many members here have -- why did I start to become "not me", like I was losing myself, in this relationship?

Briefly, pwPDs (people with personality disorders, whether diagnosed or not), lack a strong sense of self -- or a sense of self at all. One way this can show up is with trying to find an identity based on things outside of themselves. Another way it can show up is in believing/experiencing their emotions as "true facts".

Sometimes, pwPDs can lean really hard on a partner to provide that "sense of self". It may not be overt (like "you need to be like XYZ for me") but it can show up. I'm wondering if you experienced that -- that feeling of "maybe if I can just do this, or that, or this thing, or be like that, for my partner, then we will have togetherness and love again")?

As you work through these questions, check out this workshop we've had, on "Self respect and our sense of ourselves":

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121173.0

and see if any of it resonates with you. A couple of key phrases made me think you might appreciate it:

Clear away the FOG of doubt and work on building your self respect by taking care of yourself 

I have lost my sense of self, but am working hard to regain it.

and especially:

I think we believe the pwBPD too much. We give their words more importance than they deserve.

We need to start doubting them more and believing in ourselves more.

We can do this with our thoughts. We don't have to express these out loud to believe them. We don't need to counter (invalidate) the pwBPD statements. In our heads, we can question the validity of their words and replace their negativity with our own positive and empowering statements.

...

In the meantime, stay safe, follow any legal advice you need to, and keep posting here.

-kells76

[dreamer86]

Thank you Kells for your answer and suggestions.
I’ve read carefully the topic you linked me and I find it very interesting.
In fact while I was reading it, I was thinking about all the bad things he said to me…
During our 8 months relationship he was ready to project against me everything that infact was probably his faults. I remember one time when I lied on a stupid thing for good, he accused me to be an untrustworthy person, saying me that one of the first things he recommended to me was not to lie on anything… how he could be so angry against me when he was perfectly aware that he was lying me about his family, his age and also about the man who lives in the same house with him?
During this months I lost myself… I have a company, small company with 7 employees that is running very good.. in the last months of our relationship I was not taking care of it and the result was that a couple of my employees resigned.
During one of our last discussions, when he accused me of everything, he was able also to say me “also your employees abandon you! You are not able to keep anyone near you!”… he hurted me so much…

And after all… when he finally closed any possible way of contact with him… I found myself driving sometimes near his house, hoping to cross him… or going sometimes to look if he was still keeping in his car the peluche I gifted to him… like if it was a sign he was still caring or thinking on me…
If I think now about these stupid things I really feel bad.
I never stalked him… but I can understand that from his point of view.. if somehow he saw me doing this stupid things.. he can thinked about me as a stalker….

I’m not proud about this….

I’m really scared about how much angry he was…. During his last call he kept me an hour at the phone saying, other than the things I just wrote before, that “all of you thinks I’m like a PLEASE READ!” … how it’s possible that he really thinks that? I never said nothing bad against him and never thinked that he is like PLEASE READ…

Sometimes I wish to be able to feel that hates that he his able to feel for me… maybe it could be easier…
But I’m not like that… I see through the masks and the walls that he pretend to wear and I’m sure he is a really good person, a lovable person.. the one I met and the one for which I’ve falled in love…
How it’s possible that he doesn’t see that? He doesn’t understand that I really take care of him and love him… and if I made some mistakes… for sure are also for my faults and  weakness… but for sure these mistakes were caused also by his behaviors… his lies… his way to try every time push me more and more away…

Honestly I don’t know what to do.
I’m keeping myself busy by spending all my energies on my job and by working on myself.. to be a better and stronger guy for him… if he will ever come back…
But I wonder also if .. he will come back… he always told me that all of his exes (how many ex could have a 22 years old guy?) were bad people, stalkers, cheaters… and when if break up it’s forever…. I’m worried that he will never come back… that he will never come back ‘cause also if maybe he wanted.. the shame for what all the things he have done will be more stronger…
I wish to send him a letter.. to tell him that I’m still here and that I really care about him… but how?
Maybe he have just moved on (I don’t know) in a new relationship… maybe he pushed me away to keep me safe from his not so clear situations and affairs?

It’s so hard when you love someone and you felt the same love from the other side.. and out of the blue you are his worst enemy…

Is it really the end of our story? What do you think about?
I don’t know what to do other than stay far from him and waiting… and meanwhile working on myself…
Some of my friends say me that I have simply to forget him, and to move on… but how can you move on when you think you found your soulmate?

How can I show him that I really care about him without reaching him out and keeping the distance that he seems wants to have between us?

Than you

[dreamer86]

I’ve started several weeks ago going into therapy to help save my soul and my mind. And this is really helping me even if the therapist is telling me that he left me and I have simply to accept it. And that he is a toxic and mad persons with high instability. Probably she is right but I don’t know… when he left me and also all this hates give me the impression that in fact he was still in love with me… don’t know…
I want for sure to work on myself to be a better person and partner for him (maybe)… at the same time I read things that let me wonders: does it really be possible that he has completely forget myself? And if I really stay no contact (as I’m doing) he will not remember me forever? I’m really worried that maybe what I should do is, some who, to show him I really care about him… but how?

Maybe the real act of love is to stay far from him and working on my self.. to be better and stronger for him…


What do U think?

[dreamer86]

We’ll, sorry if it seems I’m doing a kind of monologue to myself but I wish to share with you my thoughts and maybe have also advices from who have just had experienced like mine and successfully recover and maybe get back his ex.

I’m scared about things I’m reading over the internet and forums. It seems that once you have been painted black it is very difficult for untreated bpd come back. It’s seems unlikely and I wonders if this it is also for they shame of what they have done, all the lies, all the hates that they projected against the partner.

I’m ready to admit my mistakes. I know I have done some mistakes. In every relationship the fault is usually not only from one single side.
I never cheated him, I never lied to him unless at the end of this journey when, feeling completely out of mind and lost, I lied him about one time I was out with my friends but told him I was at home. It was not a lie bc I have to hide something… I was scared about his possible reaction…
I feel shamed about what was my behavior during the last month… I was completely lost, I was not understanding nothing, I was worried about his personal life and situation as it was not clear to me if he was in some troubles and if the man who is living with him had some “control” over him (as sometimes it seems)… I was really worried about him and about his situation… and also.. I admit.. I was worried about the fact that the truth was simply that that man was his boyfriend (even if the age gap is huge, 20 years) and he lied to me for 8 months…
But how was it possible? We usually met every day for breakfast near his house, everyday for a drink at the end of the day around his house, we went together having gym sometimes… if he had to hide something bc he was in a relationship I think he had avoided to meet around his house… and also he was talking always about him as a “terrible” person, who thinks that he was “his property”, that asked him always moneys, that he was “an animal” etc... etc…

I know… I made mistake when he asked for break up and I gone totally crazy by trying to keep he close, telling him that I really love him and that I was there for him as soon as he needed it…
And it seems that this only pushed him far and far away…

What should I do? Other than no contact? I’m scared about the fact he will (or he have) forget me and he will never come back… at least to clarify all the things… why he hates me so much and pushed me away? Why he didn’t find the courage to tell me the truth about everything… I always said me that I was open for everything and ready to understand any possible situation…

Please give me some advices… I really really love him and want to be stronger for him and also (for sure) for myself..

Thank you

[loldebyte]

Hey there.
I'll offer you how I see your situation and what I find you should do (what I wish I had done at one earlier point in my life, that I have had to do again recently and that I will certainly have to do again). It's probably not what you're hoping for or what you want to hear but I hope you'll read my 50 cents anyway. Then again, I'm a mere human and I might be wrong. In the end it is up to you to do what you think is best for you, without disregarding mid/long term completely.

From the way and the things you've said, it sounds to me like you have trouble envisioning your life without him. That alone should be reason enough to center on yourself for now, because that's fertile soil for an unhealthy relationship which will leave you both unhappy & unsatisfied at best, and probably blow up somewhere down the line anyway.
I wanna stress this a lot because IMO that's the best you can focus on right now, both for you & for any potential or future partner you may or may not have : you need to be able to exist without your partner. You need it both for yourself (because you need to exist if said partner leaves) and for said partner, because there will be a time where your partner cannot be there for you, and you partner needs (or he should if he wants the relationship to be healthy) you to not crumble when that happens.
By the way, achieving this is the actual goal behind "No Contact", you can read more about that there : https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way.

You say you're scared he will forget you. That's legitimate, he very well might be. But you need to realize that this is not the end of the world, not even the end of yours.
This is sad, this is probably a huge disappointment, because you probably feel like you two being together would've been great (and you might even be right on that front) and because that probably feels like a huge missed opportunity (which it might well be).
But it does sounds like both your current individual situations do not allow for you two getting in a relationship together right now, and thus you have to give the idea up, at least for the time being. It is sad, it may absolutely be unfair but sadly that's just how things are, sometimes. Wrong time, wrong circumstances and things don't work out as they could've, and the hard part is that this "could have" really feels like a "should have" while you're living it. And it hurts.
But that's okay ; as miserable as it feels, that's also an opportunity to learn from both your mistakes and get out of it bettered.
I wish you the best, including but not limited to a good recovery from a tough situation. Know that you don't have to suffer through this alone (which you are probably already aware of since you're here) and that things will get better.

Stay safe

[dreamer86]

Hi! Thank you for your answer!
It is very helpful and offer me another point of view about the situation.
I’ve started working on myself since several months as I was feeling completely confused about me and the situation.
I wish to give you some more info about me… well… I don’t think I can live without him. Honestly before him I was single since several years and I was ok. I was not looking for a relationship when I met him… the problem is that I completely fall in love with him. In my previous relationships I never felt the same feelings I had with him. I was seeing truly me and him in the future, and these was the same feelings he had with me (at least, he was the first about talking possibility to live together and in the future thinking about marriage)

What let me be so “out of mind” is that:
1. I really care about him
2. I’m worried that he is in a bad situation and I wish to help him (well if he really wanted to be helped he could asked for that)

The really sad thing you said is that “maybe we met at the wrong time..”

Thank you

[loldebyte]

I was not looking for a relationship when I met him… the problem is that I completely fall in love with him. In my previous relationships I never felt the same feelings I had with him.

I relate immensely with that.
For context, I was in a relationship with someone (that got a BPD diagnosis towards the end of our relationship) from 15 to ~20 years old (we were the same age). I loved that person very much, and couldn't see me living without her. We were together for some months but then her family moved out and we had to stay in a long distance relationship. These times were the hardest of my life, because both my BDP mother and my BPDgf were freaking out about loosing me at about the same time I was going through puberty. Stuff was f* wild. Anyway, afterwards she came back and I moved in with her, we shared a single room 12m² studio. When 3 years later she told me she didn't love me anymore, I was devastated. I fell in a severe depression and it took me 2 years to climb out of it enough that I could manage school or work.

In the years after the recovery, I met various people and fell in love with some, but none worked out (mostly because I was so scared of getting into another relationship that I realized I had a real chance only months afterwards).
Until, somewhat recently (3-4 months), I met someone and it "clicked". I found myself close to them very easily. I knew what was happening, I recognized the many clues and was pretty damn confident that I had just met another BPD.
Then after a while, during a head-to-head afterwork, the intensity of my feelings skyrocketed and it felt like all these previous crushes I had were shallow in comparison. I remember very vividly how utterly terrible and painful a relationship with a BPD could get, but at that time it seemed worth it to me, and I was willing to risk it for us to try and be together. In fact, at times I was willing to risk just about everything. Thankfully I was lucid enough (and I have great friends that helped a ton on that front) to remind myself that there was a very real possibility that we would never be together, so when she told me that, yes, she had loved me (and believe me, I could tell), but no, she didn't want us to be together, I wasn't as beat down as I might've been.

What I intend to convey is twofold :
1. Maybe you feel like you cannot live without him. I should know, I've been there. But I was wrong, and even if your feeling is real, feelings are not rational : it might not be true. I did survive, contrary to all my expectations.
2. Maybe you feel like you love them more than you have anyone else. But maybe it isn't all about love. In my case, I know there's a lot more going on that just love, because we were in codependance territory months before love came onto the table. Maybe that's what made me feel like I loved them more than I did anyone else, because it made me feel needed, it made me feel irreplaceable and I liked it. A lot.

About that first part, you can look into CBT, which is all about recognizing the difference between thought, feeling and behavior, maybe that's something you can look into.
About the second part, I want to make it clear that this is something I realized afterwards. At the time I did feel like I loved more than anyone else, it is only weeks afterwards that I asked myself why I felt that way and I believe this is at least a part of the reason.
I can add that this is something that is wrong with me, because I am the one feeling compelled to help, I am the one that enjoys being depended on and because that is about me, that is something I can work on. On that topic I found this article very interesting.

[Cat Familiar]

There is a lot going on here. He has repeatedly lied to you, behaved impulsively and unkindly toward you, and has told you various stories about loving you and hating you.

Yet, you are hooked. You want to rescue him and resume the relationship. You’ve neglected your business and have become obsessed with this man who has treated you poorly.

What about him has so captivated you that allows you to look past his unkind behavior?

[dreamer86]

Hi Cat familiar…
What captivated me? Well.. I had the real feeling that he loves me… that he really wish something with me…
We shared a lot of things together… he helped me recruiting new employees.. i helped him in his job.. we shared our thoughts… i don’t know.. but for the first time I felt that there was someone that was perfectly aligned with my though… with my soul…
And than… it seems that there was something too much “big” for him that he cannot handle.. and that at the end he understood he have to make a choice… and his choice was to leave me…. I’m so sad… so painfully sad… there were so many things that were contradicting each other that I don’t know what was the truth…
It is so difficult for me to understand what happens… two weeks before he said me “merry me when you’ll be more calm” and two weeks later I was Hitler in person… and also at that time he said me… screaming .. giving punches to the steering wheel (I’ll never forget that moment) … “I was thinking that finally I found the right one! My soulmate! I wished to have a family with you! Bc I never have a family ! And you are not I was thinking about!”

Why? Why… I’m so sad… if he only could know how much love I feel for him…

[Cat Familiar]

You saw the beauty in his soul, yet there was another side that was tremendously cruel.

Often those of us who get involved with these sorts of relationships have had someone in our family who had a personality disorder.

Do you think that might apply to you? If so, it’s worth investigating in therapy.

Most people brought up in emotionally healthy families would not tolerate being treated so poorly. But those of us with BPD or NPD family members feel these people are like “family”.

[dreamer86]

Well I tried to think about this…
I don’t know if someone in my family is BPD o NPD, at least no one of my parents as far as I know as never be in therapy or took some sorts of drugs.
What I have to say is that for sure my father as a strong personality, always ready to criticize everything we do (me, my mother or my sister) even if I remember that I was really close to him when I was a child.
Then… if I think more about this… I have a couple of uncles (two women) that for sure suffers of something but I don’t know exactly about what… (I mean one of them takes lorazepam since she was a young girl and the other one is pretty paranoic of everything… but I don’t think could be connected to me and my insecurities)

I feel so sorry that I was not enough strong for myself and for him… and for sure this didn’t helped at all the situation. That’s way I’m strongly convinced that I must work on myself (and this is what I’m doing in these last months).
I don’t want to be “not ready” when I’ll meet a new possible partner or maybe (who knows) him again (that’s what I hope).

I know that no one can know what our future will reserve for us… but do you think that there could be a possibility to meet him again? Or after he destroyed every bridge in this terrible way there will be no return back?
During our relationship he told me always that “when for me his finished, his finished. No way back”… honestly don’t know if it was more some sort of personal pride or it is really that.
I always thinked (generally speaking, not about this specific situation) that talking is the most powerful thing we have to confront each other and understand every different point of view…
Is it really possible that he doesn’t miss me at all and really thinks so cruel things against me?

[Cat Familiar]

Many members here have experienced *recycles* with relationships that have ended. It’s possible that he could return, but what you’ve already experienced with the love/hate behavior will also come around again, if he does come back.

Working on yourself is great. You may discover as you get stronger and healthier, that you will be a better match with a more emotionally healthy partner.

[dreamer86]

That's what I've read around internet and this forum... someone said that things could go only worse after a recycle...
my question is: is it really possible that someone affected by bpd cannot be healtier maybe also with the help of a therapist and his partner?

My therapist says that if someone is affected by BPD will never get better and it is impossible that he could heal somehow..

Is he really hopeless from this point of view?

I wish to have your point of view about this questions as I really don't know nothing about BPD even if some infos I'm trying to get on the web.. and I read everything and the opposite of everything... someone says that who is affected by BPD is like s_h_i_t and should be avoided, should stay alone forever etc... someone else says that they are simply so much scared by their child experiences etc... so I'm also really confused..

thank you

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD can improve with years of therapy, usually DBT therapy is best. That said, few will commit to doing therapy, because they feel so much internal shame and self examination is too painful.

Only very few people with BPD will ever truly *recover*. It takes learning an entirely new way of being. Learning to respond intellectually, rather than emotionally. Overcoming long held habits. It is truly a difficult thing to do and partners are not the appropriate people to help; only highly skilled therapists who have experience with BPD should be involved.

If a recycle happens, you can definitely experience the exact same things you’ve already experienced. What you heard may be correct—the second time around could be worse.

[dreamer86]

It is so sad feeling helpless to someone you love and wish take care… isn’t it?