Husband wants to limit my screen time :)

[Protectourfamily]

My husband has been trying for months to limit my screen time.
He keeps threatening me and trying to "punish" me for spending what in his opinion is too much time at the computer (this happened one day when I was at the screen for half an hour!).
I have ordered the book Stop Caretaking ... on express delivery.
Any advice in the meantime?

[SaltyDawg]

What you describe is awful vague.

My wife tries to do that with me, even though she spends a lot more screen time on TV and her phone than I do on the computer.

My advise is not to do anything rash, impulsive, or reactive, as that can make the situation worse.  However, do learn as much as you can about it.  Make sure that the work is recent, since 2013 as there is a shift of management of BPD between the DSM IV (non curable) & DSM V (treatable).  I also highly recommend that you see a therapist/counselor prior to confronting this issue with your husband and that the therapist's training is recent for managing BPD (super hard to find, I am still looking, so I am here on this forum).

The book you mentioned was the 2nd step I took, the first was my brand new therapist, on the 2nd session gave me a book from his personal library after I described the relationship with my wife to him:

BPD from the Husband's POV: The Roses and Rage of My Wife’s Borderline Personality Disorder
Book by Robert Page

I read it, it was a quick read.  The good news was that the uBPDw (Undiagnosed BPD Wife) described in the book was only half as 'Crazy' as my wife.  The bad news was that the uBPD described in the book was only half as 'Crazy' as my wife.  Huh??  There was too much in this book that 'resonated' with me to ignore, yet there wasn't enough in the book to convince me that she had BPD.

This lead me to reserve two books at the library one is the "Stop Caretaking" as there is quite a demand for both of them, the other was:

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Book by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

Stop Caretaking was available first, so I read it first -- in Retrospect, I am glad it was first even though I wanted to read the other first.  'Stop Caretaking' affirmed for me with greater than 99% certainty that I was on the right track.   When I finished the 'caretaking book', the 'eggshells' book became available, and that further explained all the questions that the caretaking book left me.

However, I needed to make sure that I wasn't the person who was messed up as she has told me over and over again that I was the one who was messed up and convinced others to say the same thing, including our couple's counselor.  Keep in mind, these accusations are coming from a woman who has tried to kill herself 6 times over the past two decades and has exhibited the majority of traits, signs, and symptoms of Borderline contained in those two books.

Full comprehension of BPD took me a full 10 days of thinking about it, and learning about it.  Then, I took another two months (roughly 60 days) to learn as much as I could about BPD (it took that long for all the different material that I read, watched, listened to, asking probative questions to my personal therapist (very useful), and couples therapist (not useful, as she thought it was counterproductive).

Welcome, with mixed emotions, to the 'club' glad you found this forum as it will help; however, the reason why you are here is not and can be very depressing.

[BigOof]

That's a form of conversive control and bordering on domestic violence. Google the "power and control wheel" and see the section on "using isolation."

[Turkish]

What do you feel is the root emotion here? Even when dating, it drove my ex nuts that I read so much. She criticized me in front of a couple that we had just met at a party and they exclaimed, "what's bad about him reading a lot? That's good!" She backtracked with a nervous laugh, "oh, nothing I guess."

She criticized me when we were living together after kids. The root feeling was that I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I loved my books more than her. That wasn't true, but it's how she felt due to the core feeling of a pwBPD that they are worthless and unlovable. I needed downtime/escape and it had nothing to do with her.

What do you think?

[Couscous]

Have a look at the book, Why Does He Do That?

Here’s a PDF of the book: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[SaltyDawg]

She criticized me when we were living together after kids. The root feeling was that I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I loved my books more than her. That wasn't true, but it's how she felt due to the core feeling of a pwBPD that they are worthless and unlovable. I needed downtime/escape and it had nothing to do with her.

What do you think?

I don't like to read, unless it is necessary, so I am.  I am also listening covertly to audiobooks (Hoopla via local library) on the topic when I can generally watching my kids sporting practice.  [who said guys can't multitask?  ]

With regards to downtime/escape - that's self-care, the number one recommendation from all books that I have read so far.  I found out the hard way, no matter how hard you try to please a Borderline, they will always want more than you can give.  Set limits, and stick to it.  You can suggest what your need is one day to your Borderline (in a non-confrontational way), and wait at least a week (the more triggering, the longer the wait), and then just do it.  The "stop caretaking" book has detailed instructions on what to do.

When I was doing a homework assignment under the guidance of our couple's counselor on what each person can do to shift to make the relationship better, one of the items that I listed was mine was more 'me time' so I could be better rested and better focused to attend to her needs.  Her immediate reaction to this -- a suicide attempt.  About a month later, I just did it -- nothing happened on her side.  I am now exercising (I let myself go trying to please her non-stop), feeling better, and I can incorporate running errands for her while I am cycling.  I also get outside while cycling, meet new people, etc. etc. etc.  I also run errands for her as well, and she seems somewhat happy about that.  While I get the greatest benefit from that, she also has benefited from it too.

[cleotokos]

Mine is always complaining about “screen time”. Accuses me of “staring at your phone” and ignoring the kids. It’s not reality based and it’s about control. Before kids I tried to explain to him I’m just reading articles from The Economist or The Atlantic, or writing an email to my mother. It does matter what you’re doing on a screen. To him it’s all bad because he can paint me as the “bad one” so he reassures himself he is the good one.

[cleotokos]

Agree BigOof it’s coercive control. Our phones link us to the outside world. Mine gets irritated if my dad texts me too many times. It’s literally the only person that texts me and it’s a problem for him.

[ForeverDad]

Back when I was married and she was raging, she would beat on my keyboard until it broke and cut the cord of my mouse.  I bought 2-3 at a time.  I set up a computer for my preschooler (now grown) and she threw it into the garage and bent it into a trapezoid shape.

[livednlearned]

My husband has been trying for months to limit my screen time.

How do you respond when he says this?

Does he have periods when he seems more or less regulated/tender?