my BPD Bf left me with no choice but to leave relationship and I am grieving

[Femmebot]

I am so glad I am back on as I need you in this community.  You all get it...so here is what has happened and I am struggling.  My Bf and I were 4 years together of which I was able to get him into couples counselling the last 2.5 years.  We didn't live together but 2 doors down from each other same street.  He was dodgy during most of our relationship and after him systemically breaking trust, verbal abuse and emotional abuse we entered the counselling.  I always thought I would finally leave the relationship if he cheated on me.  To my knowledge he never did but everything just short of that.  Then I had major organ surgery on August 31st and really needed him to care give for me.  As I have always been a rock "solid" for him as his GF.  Sadly he wasn't there for me and to add insult to injury added emotional abuse to my time of healing.  I realized then that in fact his cruelty was either due to just not wanting to care for someone other than himself or a lack of capacity.  Either way feels the same really as I felt abandoned when I needed him the most.  Him not care giving me had a more profound impact that I thought I would.  I realized I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Frustrated, exhausted and feeling hopeless I told the counsellor and him during our session on the 12th of September I have no choice but to leave.  I hurt...I feel like I never had value...like he didn't cherish me or what I contributed to the relationship.  All my friends say I am better off as he is Jekyll and Hyde.  But they don't get how I miss his "light" the part that was warm and "seemed" loving...I feel lost...so hard when you can see their coming and goings each day.  I am grieving and I think he is already on a date site...this pains me...anyone have such words they can offer?  I truly feel like I never existed...

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Femmebot, 

The leaving is painful. The discard is something else, isn't it?

Those very painful places really point us to looking for a way to help us feel better. From my own journey, turning to look inside myself, with help in T, was my saving grace. I had to learn to become strong as a person, focusing on inward growth rather than seeing my ex and ruminating about the discard and pain. It has taken time, but each day is a new opportunity for me to grow some more.

Can you share what types of self care you are attempting right now, to help you through today?

 
Wools

[DarkKnight]

Hello Femmebot--- so sorry for what you are going through.  I went through very similar.  I did speak with a therapist on a weekly basis --- and that was a help.   What helped me was -- I went immediately into NC.   I blocked all social media.  When I saw my ex was on a dating site-- I made sure I did not go back to that dating site --- went to a different one for myself-- but what really helped me -- I had saved every text message me and my ex had ever had.  I saved all to a PDF and went through a review -- making a journal of the history.  It was very tough to do-- especially going through the beginning when everything was great (lot of tears shed)-- but then I was reviewing all the bad part / toxic beginnings  and the parts that started to seem likes lies and manipulation--- it really made me feel how bad the relationship was and offset all the good things ... and it was a huge help to me to feel that this was the best thing to happen and to move forward with getting rid of the toxic out of my life.  So not saying that will work for everyone -- and my relationship was 17 months (not as long as yours)-- but I felt like it was a worthwhile exercise and made me devalue her as she did to me and am in a very good place right now.   I am sticking with NC, blocked social media and making sure I dont see her anywhere online or in person.    Hope this helps -- wish you the best in getting through this

[Femmebot]

Thank you Dark Knight...presently we are not texting or talking but he still has me as a facebook friend so I can see when he is on and vice versa.  Not sure why he left it that way as I think he blocked me on his phone.  Due to us being neighbours two doors down on same side of street the outcome I want is to maybe be friends one day.  As we have many mutual friends...however scared to fall back into the cycle of going back to him.  I know he can't love me the way I deserve to be loved.  I think that has been the hardest part to accept.  I also think its hard to accept because we did 2.5 years of marital counselling.  He now wants to pick up that counsellor as his own individual one.  So I guess I just succeeded at getting my BPD ex into individual therapy a lose for me but a win for him and the next girl.  I have thought about reading all the old text messages and seeing the pattern of good then bad...idealize and devalue...I know it will remind me I am free from something that is incredibly painful to stay in and navigate.  I just am so raw and have been grieving soo much.  Thank you to you and the other members giving me support as it makes such a difference and is soo helpful .

[Rev]

Hi Femme...

Not going to add anything advice here... 'cause I know only too well how painful a discard can, and often, is.   Mine was just so, so, so quick. I was numb for weeks.

So, hang in there. Reach out to vent any time.  Eventually your body will catch up to your mind and healing will start to come.

Much love,

Rev

[Femmebot]

So I have an update for you all...because we were going to  couples therapist for last 2.5 years of the 4 together 2 weeks ago when we broke up he asked if he could pick up our couples therapist as his own individual counsellor.  That night despite the decision to leave him I made him the appts...I have been silent for 2 weeks as has he.  Then yesterday with one week to go till the appts I scheduled I broke my silence and texted him.  I thought I was blocked but tested that theory by calling his number in his work day when I knew he could not answer call.  On apple phones if it rings once and goes to vm then you are blocked...it rang twice so I texted that I had made the appts and to make his own acct with that therapist so that he can book his own in the future.  His sister said upon knowing of our relationship ending "well at least you got him into therapy" and that I gave 150% to his 50% in relationship.  So here's the thing I was not doing ok with living 2 doors down, silence and no closure to the relationship.  I wrote a text to that effect saying after 2.5 years I think we need to have a civil, respectful and kind closure talk this Friday.  He wrote to me last night and I was surprised.  As I thought he would chew on it for a couple days and make me squirm or get in contact next week.  The reason I thought this is that I know Friday there is a social event he was invited to.  He doesn't know that I am aware of the event and that he was invited to attend it.  I truly thought he would go to the event this Friday and flirt or create something with someone there.  Had he done that I was going to abandon pursuing closure further.  But he said he was good to meet with me Friday.  I felt valued (I know its a myth).  I wont lie to you all I also picked Friday to have him "choose" me and the talk over the event to prevent him from going.  He did that so I felt like it was a win.  Again I kow its a myth as there will be many more events that I wont know about that he will attend post closure talk that I will not prevent.  He will do what he has ALWAYS done which is be self serving and act as he always has a single person in a committed relationship.  Only diff this time is that he truly CAN do that.  We are not together and my therapist reminds me I can not control where he goes from here.  Additionally I never did have control...again a myth.  He was flirting with women, on date sites, messaging exes and "trying to lay the groundwork to cheat" (his words).  As I had said long ago cheating is a deal breaker for me ...he "heard" it as if you want me to leave you will HAVE to cheat on me.  Again BPD distortion to suit narrative as justify his bad behaviour over 4 years.  I will say couples therapy did give us tools to use to navigate both our trauma wounds and the impact of those wounds.  Me...a survivor of Domestic Violence and him a survivor of male on male sexual assault when he was 6 till age 12 and again at 17 with different abuser.  I will say this is how he developed CPTSD and subsequently BPD.  I work every day wih youth who have these backgrounds and I think that is why I was so compassionate with him to my own demise.  So closure is happening Friday and with his responding text he sent hug and kiss emojiis...so I know he is manipulating me...I have to stay focused on the goal...to get my closure and then get the hell out before the cycle takes hold again...I am so F*&%#...
has anyone else been in this position before and any strategies to use to stay on my journey to moving forward post pwBPD ?

[Femmebot]

Rev,
I appreciate your words soo much...being discarded feels so abusive I guess that is why I sought closure and will hopefully get to have that this Friday.  To all the members out there who are shaking their heads about my move...just know this...IF I did not live 2 doors down on same side of street I would have done so much better with this break up...I challenge anyone to tell me if they have had this circumstance exactly and what they did to survive it...As it is so unique and much harder then If I did not hear him coughing when I am in my backyard or seeing his car when I am on my front porch.  Again Rev thank you for the kindness

 

[Rev]

So closure is happening Friday and with his responding text he sent hug and kiss emojiis...so I know he is manipulating me...I have to stay focused on the goal...to get my closure and then get the hell out before the cycle takes hold again...I am so F*&%#...
has anyone else been in this position before and any strategies to use to stay on my journey to moving forward post pwBPD ?

Hi Femme ,

I've cut and pasted an answer from another thread where the discussion is somewhat similar to what I am reading here. Hopefully there's something in there that you can pick up and make your own.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev



So after taking time for all of this to "download" so to speak - this is what stands out for me to share with you without, hopefully, projecting my story on to yours.

I’m kind and caring and I have so much authentic love to give- I’m finding it really hard to understand how I ‘ended up here’. I think there must be some deficits in my own expectations or ways of relating. Did/do other’s feel this?

I did - bigtime. I am an abuse victim in the clinical sense of the word. I was a mess when it finally ended. I needed to couch surf for six weeks at a trusted friend's place to get some sense of who I was any more. Three months after the separation and a month after the divorce papers were signed, I needed to have my lawyer write a cease and desist.  So yes - you are not alone in this.  My therapist at the time said to me, "Rev - It's much easier to get into a relationship than to get out of it."  My ex also cheated on me, right under my nose. My system went into shock at one point while I was couch surfing and I experienced the first and only two panic attacks I have ever experienced. And, I too am highly accomplished. Very humbling experience. A little scary too.
 
What did other’s do in this situation? Where deep human closeness is one of the most precious things for you? I’m an accomplished person in the ‘outside world;, I could distract myself and immerse myself in ‘being busy’, ‘investing in myself’, but that’s not the most important way to live to me.

Here's what I did.

1- I gave myself 72 hours to have a pity party and then chose to say "that's it - now one step at time."

2- I enlisted three friends who were there for me to really help me process this out. They also kept me accountable to my promises to myself. My ex tried more than once to either bully me or lure me back during the separation period.

3 - I got specialized counseling (CBT) from a therapist who had experience with male victims of domestic abuse.

4 - I wrote a list of all the things she did to me to stave off the shame spirals.

5 - I cut out any alcohol from my diet and replaced them with walks. I did this to stay focused and clear headed.

6 - I took drives in the middle of the night if I needed to.

7 - I devoured pod-casts and books on NPD/BPD.

8 - I rode it out until the physical symptoms started to subside.  We can often romanticize "living in the moment" but I'll tell you, living in the moment took on a whole new importance for me.

9 - I chose to understand her and not "forgive her" in the traditional sense of the word. I chose instead to do whatever I needed to do to get in touch with my pent up anger so as to release it.  My expression was that "I don't want to get angry because I don't want to BE anger."



How did other’s survive this time? How did you get by without feeling like you were going ‘through the motions’?

My advice - trust to process because there is an element of "fake it until you make it" in this. Here's an image for you.  Do you remember the original "Karate Kid" - where Mr. Miagi puts Daniel through "paint the fence, wax on wax off, and sand the floor"?  It's like he felt he was going through all these useless motions ... until ... it all came together.

For better or worse, that's what I did.

3 years later I can honestly say I am not only no longer in the same place, but I am also a different version of my core self - if that makes any sense. Hope this helps.

Hang in there. Reach out anytime.

Rev

[Femmebot]

such good advice Rev and thank you so much for sharing the intricacies of your journey...peace and love friend