Hey Manic Miner, good to hear back from you.
Here's a hypothesis to try on for size -- see if any of it's helpful.
So you guys had a "pretty okay" MC session. Things seemed "promising", as you say.
So then, because it went pretty okay, you both were open to "more" -- taking the vacation together for a week.
On the vacation, there were a few instances of "typical" behavior, but it was more good than bad.
Then, when you got home, things really went downhill. Lots of negative actions.
So you tried to talk about it with her, and that didn't go well
...
I'm wondering if things went "too well" for her at the MC session and the vacation, and you guys had "too much" closeness for her to handle in a skillful way?
Have you heard of what is sometimes called the "push-pull" dynamic? There's a brief discussion of it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0Perhaps your W felt overwhelmed or engulfed by the nice times and the relational closeness, and is, in her own low-skilled way, attempting to create separation? However, as you saw, she does it in really large, destructive, inappropriate ways.
That being said, there may be a way forward when these times happen.
The trigger was my apt. and our "past" life as a family. Also my boundary over whether we could continue as a family and a couple. Her approach was 'pragmatic', but mostly self-focused - she'd love to get back here, so our D would have her parents together, her old home, old ways, childhood without separation. But, as she pointed out clearly - I should not expect any romantic bonding or closeness because she was too hurt for that. Instead, W and D would be here until she finds something better to live.
I think again, she's low-skill expressing her struggle with relational closeness. But it's in a way that is hurtful to you.
I wonder if, when she says stuff like this again, there's a way to validate the valid and then to move the more "hot button" issues a little further down the road, to the therapeutic space, as your MC does sound skilled. It could look like:
"Babe, I agree, it would be great for our D if we could be together. I'm really open to talking about the rest of your thoughts, let's do that in our next MC session -- I want to make sure I really understand you" (or whatever would sound like you).
...
Even though I have learned that most of her talk has little to no retention value (it can change overnight), to all of that I said I'm not sure it would work. I don't think it's possible for us to live together because of our D. Children with special needs need extra and parents need to have even better communication skills, love, commitment than any common couple. That's a fact. Otherwise, parents are about to get drained, frustrated with affairs smiling on the horizon. And I didn't even account mental illness in all of this. My apartment isn't big as a castle, people here would need to communicate nicely and be on good terms to have a thriving relationship.
I also mentioned that unless we healed and moved on, if she moved back to my apt. we'd be returning to our issues of the past (and present, as a matter of fact, as happened on this vacation).
She was all about how bad I was to her in the past year (there is always a certain date where "I've been bad" that she uses as a pillar of all bad things, it's never one of a kind issue). She literally started living in the "past year". Distorted views, connections and straight made up things, said in a way like they were happening right now. Sometimes I had no clue what she was talking about.
All things that happened yesterday or even now, didn't have any value - unless they were bad. I found it incredible how being bad sticks to her like a glue, while good stuff she almost repels and takes for granted.
I offered a compromise of trying to work on issues that each of us found very hard or just plain frustrating. I was using SET to talk, but even that didn't work, she was always nagging and sticking to the negative.
I tried to show compassion, but was approached with a no. I don't know the pain she feels, how hard it is. I just don't get it. She can talk by herself for 20mins straight, but interrupts me as soon as I utter something that annoys her or if she has any comment to add.
My guess is that there was a "missed connection" when you reflected your reasonable thoughts of how and why her moving back in wouldn't work. To me it all makes sense. She can't just hop back in and have things be fine. So it's not like you're being illogical.
I think the missed connection is that she may have been making a bid for "understanding/connection/validation" versus her "really wanting to have a rational discussion of logistics". Can you see where she may have been expressing a desire for validation?
If that's the case, and she didn't feel validated, it's not surprising to me that none of the tools or approaches seemed to work -- not compromising, not SET, etc. She may have already been down her road of hurt, and really unable to hear you or interact with you.
Anyway. It's a hypothesis, so it's just food for thought -- take what fits, leave the rest.
Nutshell version is that right now, when things are kind of raw with both of you, you can consider trying to keep your conversations with her briefer, more validation/positive focus, and acknowledge the bigger issues while agreeing to work on them/discuss them in the MC sessions. Wondering if it's "too soon" for you guys to "try it on your own" without the MC there to keep things in bounds.
Let me know your thoughts. I know you're working through a lot.
kells76
Edited to add: I recognize you're posting on Detaching, so am I understanding correctly that you want to end the marriage and/or living together?
Wherever you're at, the tools and approach I'm hypothesizing come more from the "Bettering A Relationship" board, which you are welcome to visit. Paradoxically, even if you are working towards ending the relationship, the tools on Bettering can help keep conflict down -- to "not make things worse", as is often said here. No worries either way, just wanted to clarify why I'm offering this perspective over here.
