BPD Husband is slowly getting worse

[deadlycorpse]

Hi everyone. I'm losing hope that my marriage is salvageable after only 6 months of being in it.
My husband (30M) struggles with depression and BPD. I'm in the adult severe ADHD crew. We were really good friends for several years, which evolved into a long distance relationship that led to marriage in about a year.

We detected his BPD and sought diagnosis while still in LDR, but since getting married and moving-in together, his episodes became more intense and  frequent. He's averaging 3-4 episodes per week, several weeks in a row, and it's destroying us.
When in an episode, he becomes extremely dissociative and recounts occurrences and stories in a very distorted way. He'll often accuse me of saying or doing things that never happened, retell stories that never occurred, and proceed to  react to them. He genuinely believes them and telling him, even after he calms down, that those circumstances didn't occur is never accepted and often leads into a further outburst. More often than not, he'll also accuse me of doing things that he did - even outside of episodes, he'll tell a story by substituting him for me as the character.

He claims "he's not being heard" because I'm not admitting fault in his accusations, and has specified that. Saying things like "I understand this is difficult, I'm sorry you feel this way" or "what can I do to help?" only sets him off further, as he claims I'm then being condescending and "motherly" to him.

His episodes started to shift from extreme emotion to anger as of the past 3 months. He yells constantly, snaps and becomes aggressive, and communication is simply not possible as he refuses to believe he's ever wrong. He physically blocks doors when I try to move away from the conflict, holds me down if I try to get up to walk away, and does not allow for taking a break during conflict.

I'm tired of being yelled at daily, I'm exhausted from so many sleepless nights, my hair is falling, and I just feel hopeless. Outside of his illness, he's a charming, extremely charismatic, supportive, and kind person. Therefore no one believes me  when I try to explain what happens behind closed doors - but everyone believes him.
This is so difficult and I'm so lost. I feel like the constant conflict in our marriage is draining everything good in me. I don't feel like I have a voice because I'm fighting things that never happened nearly every single day. I can be sobbing telling him that those things didn't happen and he'll be yelling that it did.

Divorce is not an option for many reasons, but mostly because I want to save this relationship. I love him so, so much, but I barely recognize him under the BPD anymore.
We haven't been intimate since early August and I sincerely did it out of obligation because he insisted. My libido (which used to be very high) has been annihilated and my attraction and connection to him are hanging by a thread.

I mostly need to vent and feel like someone else understands. But if anybody has good tips on how to navigate the impossibility of communication and how to bring back a partner from psychosis episodes, I'd highly appreciate that. Most of the endless  articles and books I've read keep telling me to set boundaries and validate, but neither of those things actually work with him.

Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Channing]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I need to say that from your description, it sounds like what you are enduring has crossed the line between an intense argument and physical/emotional abuse. When conduct like that evolves slowly, it is sometimes hard to recognize that the character of our interactions with a loved one has changed so dramatically.

What do you think would happen if you were to sit down with your spouse during a calm period and state clearly what your boundaries will be in the future if there are disagreements? The physical aggression you describe is worrisome as that kind of conduct can escalate.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with Channing. Blocking you from leaving, holding you down, verbal abuse—this is all abuse and is likely to get worse with time.

Do you have a therapist? These relationships can be very draining and you’re already at that stage where it’s impacting your wellbeing.

When emotional intimacy increases through marriage or other types of commitment, the BPD symptoms also tend to increase.

The times when he is dysregulated there is little you can do to “bring him back from psychosis.” Best to not try and use validation and boundaries when he is being reasonable. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page and tell us more about what appears to set off these behaviors.

[deadlycorpse]

I agree with Channing. Blocking you from leaving, holding you down, verbal abuse—this is all abuse and is likely to get worse with time.

Do you have a therapist? These relationships can be very draining and you’re already at that stage where it’s impacting your wellbeing.

When emotional intimacy increases through marriage or other types of commitment, the BPD symptoms also tend to increase.

The times when he is dysregulated there is little you can do to “bring him back from psychosis.” Best to not try and use validation and boundaries when he is being reasonable. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page and tell us more about what appears to set off these behaviors.

I am in therapy to try and find the right tools to help myself. I didn't manage to leave the house today before he woke up, and he very clearly was still in the episode from last night. He started accusing me of many things such as ignoring him (he swears he tried talking to me 3 times this morning, regardless of never saying a word), trying to get him to feel "like less of a human being by gaslighting him into thinking he's crazy", and etc. I broke down crying and tried to talk. He then admitted to all of the issues he has but inevitably shifted into anger and disrespect. I then looked him in the eyes and said that I was setting a boundary and leaving due to the disrespect, that we could reconnect later. I went out and had a great day with friends. All I asked of him was to keep an eye on our kitten, who has been sick.
I just came back home about 8hrs later to find out that he locked our kitten away from her litter box and purposely left the house without putting the toxic plants away from her. I rescued this kitten 3 days ago and she's having bad stomach issues - which he's fully aware of. She had explosive diahrrea and must have been in so much pain (vet appointment is on tuesday). I called him and asked to come home and clean after her.

I am livid. I was so mad I told him I'd go sleep in a hotel because I don't feel comfortable being around him today anymore. I walked into my car, he went after me, and kept trying to open the door. As I was trying to close my window, he stuck his arm in and refused to let me go. He started yelling outside and causing a scene, saying that I hated him, that I was leaving, etc, etc, because he knows the neighbors can hear. I ended up coming back inside because I'm scared he might hurt my cat, and I'm now looking for a way to afford a week in a pet-friendly hotel so I can get some space and clarity. Somehow he still is yelling that I'm treating him awfully "because he made a mistake".

Every bone in my body tells me that he did this on purpose because he knew hurting the kitten would hurt me. I can't shake this feeling that the sweet, loving, and kind man I fell in love with is slowly turning more and more unrecognizable and this fear (or perhaps anxiety) that he might become dangerous.

I'll check the Tools thread. Thank you both.

[SinisterComplex]

I am in therapy to try and find the right tools to help myself. I didn't manage to leave the house today before he woke up, and he very clearly was still in the episode from last night. He started accusing me of many things such as ignoring him (he swears he tried talking to me 3 times this morning, regardless of never saying a word), trying to get him to feel "like less of a human being by gaslighting him into thinking he's crazy", and etc. I broke down crying and tried to talk. He then admitted to all of the issues he has but inevitably shifted into anger and disrespect. I then looked him in the eyes and said that I was setting a boundary and leaving due to the disrespect, that we could reconnect later. I went out and had a great day with friends. All I asked of him was to keep an eye on our kitten, who has been sick.
I just came back home about 8hrs later to find out that he locked our kitten away from her litter box and purposely left the house without putting the toxic plants away from her. I rescued this kitten 3 days ago and she's having bad stomach issues - which he's fully aware of. She had explosive diahrrea and must have been in so much pain (vet appointment is on tuesday). I called him and asked to come home and clean after her.

I am livid. I was so mad I told him I'd go sleep in a hotel because I don't feel comfortable being around him today anymore. I walked into my car, he went after me, and kept trying to open the door. As I was trying to close my window, he stuck his arm in and refused to let me go. He started yelling outside and causing a scene, saying that I hated him, that I was leaving, etc, etc, because he knows the neighbors can hear. I ended up coming back inside because I'm scared he might hurt my cat, and I'm now looking for a way to afford a week in a pet-friendly hotel so I can get some space and clarity. Somehow he still is yelling that I'm treating him awfully "because he made a mistake".

Every bone in my body tells me that he did this on purpose because he knew hurting the kitten would hurt me. I can't shake this feeling that the sweet, loving, and kind man I fell in love with is slowly turning more and more unrecognizable and this fear (or perhaps anxiety) that he might become dangerous.

I'll check the Tools thread. Thank you both.

First...deadlycorpse...goodness such a morbid name ;-). Sincerely I am glad you found us here. Welcome to the fam. As my teammate Cat touched on already...please see the tools section. Additionally, I am hearing a lot of abuse here. Beyond that the one I want to focus on here is what you feel. Your instincts are making you feel that he hurt the kitten on purpose. Please trust your instincts. In situations like this they are never wrong. Anyone who can hurt animals like that is displaying very dangerous behaviors which have the ability to go far beyond what you think and can expect. Hurting or showing cruel behavior to animals is usually an indicator of sociopathy so do not take this lightly.

I will just say we are here for you and to please continue to use this resource as much as you need.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[babyducks]

Hello deadlycorpse and welcome to this website.     I think you made a great first step when you made your first post.   I know that isn't easy to do.    It certainly wasn't when I did it.

First, I would like to commend you on doing so many things right.  Reading to educate yourself.   Having a therapist.    Posting here.   These are all steps to start building up your toolbox.

My Ex partner was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and another illness on the B cluster, mostly like BPD.   She never used the words BPD so I don't either.   She was complaint with medication.   Regular with therapy.   and still struggled to manage her mental health concerns.   She could and did become psychotic.   Which is what caught my eye in your post.

When in an episode, he becomes extremely dissociative and recounts occurrences and stories in a very distorted way. He'll often accuse me of saying or doing things that never happened, retell stories that never occurred, and proceed to  react to them. He genuinely believes them and telling him, even after he calms down, that those circumstances didn't occur is never accepted and often leads into a further outburst. More often than not, he'll also accuse me of doing things that he did - even outside of episodes, he'll tell a story by substituting him for me as the character.

As distressing as this is, it is not uncommon for those of us here to have experienced.    It's very hard to understand how our loved ones can have such a different reality than we have experienced.    Often we feel if we just explain what really happened things will snap too, and make sense again.   and yet that almost always seems to make things worse.

My Ex-partner had a particular fixation with strong weather events.   She felt that the weather spoke to her, sent her messages, gave her direction.   Several times that fixation reached danger points.    Once was during a very bad winter storm, a blizzard really, when she went out wearing only a short sleeve shirt.     Once was during a strong wind event where she felt the wind would direct the car she was driving in the path she should go.   She took her hands off the steering wheel to allow the storm to 'push her' in the proper direction.

Now you would think that logically I should be able to sit down and explain that the wind can't drive a car, you need to steer it but of course that didn't happen.   Logical explanations made things worse.

So what was going on with my partner when she thought the weather was communicating with her?    and why didn't explanations work?    The way I began to understand it, the first steps I made into learning weren't 100% scientifically accurate, they were way oversimplified.   But they helped me grasp some very important concepts.    

In an emotionally dysregulated state, in a dissociative state, in a bipolar mania state, synaptic junctions are not firing appropriately or regularly.     The closest experience I can compare it to is that once I had an accident.   I called for assistance and the dispatcher asked for the address of where I was.   I certainly knew where I was.   I was on the street I grew up on.    Do you think I could get my brain to conjure up the name of the street to tell the dispatcher?   Nope.    My brain was so stressed and shocked it wasn't processing information.   Not like it normally would.   I never could get the name of the street out of my memory banks to tell the dispatcher where the heck I was.

It feels to me that something like this happens to our partners.    The brain starts to misfire.   Synaptic junctions are exciting other synaptic junctions in unhelpful ways.   In bipolar this is called kindling.     I don't think it's necessary to become a scientist to understand that kindling is a way of describing the psychological reactivity to minor stressful life events.

His episodes started to shift from extreme emotion to anger as of the past 3 months. He yells constantly, snaps and becomes aggressive, and communication is simply not possible as he refuses to believe he's ever wrong. He physically blocks doors when I try to move away from the conflict, holds me down if I try to get up to walk away, and does not allow for taking a break during conflict.

It sounds like what you are describing is that regular life events are starting to pile up for him and he is kindling into stronger emotional reactions quicker.    Agree?     I too feel concern about the blocking of doors and holding you down.    This is not okay.     If you haven't already discussed this with your therapist I hope you do very soon.    I would suggest you need a plan,  a strong simple plan of what to do when the conflict escalates.

This is so difficult and I'm so lost. I feel like the constant conflict in our marriage is draining everything good in me. I don't feel like I have a voice because I'm fighting things that never happened nearly every single day. I can be sobbing telling him that those things didn't happen and he'll be yelling that it did.

of course you are exhausted.   anyone would be.   this is very difficult stuff.   what you are describing is serious mental illness.    it's tough to navigate.   especially when you are deeply emotionally involved.

I think all of us here have had the experience of explaining only to have our explanations kindle more argument.    emotional explanations, where you are sobbing but telling him he is wrong, put more fuel into the fire.    I know you were livid when the cat was treated poorly.   and with good reason.  I am not saying it's wrong to feel hurt, or angry.   You have good reasons to feel those emotions.    

What I am going to suggest is that responding to him out of those emotions is not particularly helpful.   That the first thing you need to do is manage your own emotions.    Which sounds unfair, I am sure.     Responding to him with your own emotional energy very high adds fuel to the fire.     it keeps the cycle of conflict growing.    

I mostly need to vent and feel like someone else understands. But if anybody has good tips on how to navigate the impossibility of communication and how to bring back a partner from psychosis episodes, I'd highly appreciate that. Most of the endless  articles and books I've read keep telling me to set boundaries and validate, but neither of those things actually work with him.

It's a great idea to come here and vent.    Do it as much as you need to.  Managing your own emotions is very important.  You can't be at your best when you are tired or upset or angry.  I'd suggest the second tool you need to feel comfortable with in your toolbox is how to safely and calmly disengage from conflict.

 I broke down crying and tried to talk. He then admitted to all of the issues he has but inevitably shifted into anger and disrespect.

What you seem to be describing are not productive conversations.    More of a tit for tat of who is right, who is wrong, who is better, who is worse, who is at fault, who is blameless.     Perhaps its time to take a break from these sorts of conversations and allow the emotional reactivity to subside some.

what do you think of all that?    see anything that makes sense to you?

'ducks

[Frustrated_in_OC]

Hi there - I'm new to this site and forum (based on Stop Walking on Eggshells, recommended by my therapist) and had to respond with empathy and understanding because my husband is like yours. We have been together for 11 years and the last few have been extremely difficult. So much of your recitation of how he behaves sounds like a page from my husband's playbook. I will say, when my husband first started yelling and being verbally abusive, I never thought it would reach the point of physical violence. However, it eventually happened, first with shoving, then pushing me to the ground, and the latest incident involved him grabbing me and shaking me around and then pushing me to the floor. There have been three of four times when his anger turned physical. I can't offer any words of wisdom because I am still very much in the thick of the nightmare, going through therapy and trying to figure out what to do (now that I know he's almost certainly narcissistic BPD - which my therapist pointed out recently). But I know how much it hurts. And I know how it feels to see someone who can be loving, charming, and functional in other facets of life being a total nightmare of a human being at times. It's the classic Jekyll/Hyde dynamic. I feel angry, frustrated, sad, hopeless, pathetic ... more times than not, I don't even know what words or actions set him off.

I don't have any wisdom to offer. All I can say is, please take care of yourself. Please treat yourself with patience and dignity even when you feel like sh*t because of the hurricane. I am trying to get by day by day. It's not easy. I hope you find some measure of peace in whatever road you follow.

[Ergonomics]

My wife has been diagnosed as a HSP (highly sensitive person) and this has led to many bouts of depression, anxiety, etc...

There is one quote I always carry with me:

Your partner isn't leaving you because of his depression/anxiety/HSP/mid-life crises etc. And you aren't overwhelmed because of his depression/anxiety/HSP/mid-life crises etc.

What really overwhelms your partner is the fact that they cannot go through all these things with you (e.g. Talk about it, be understood, etc...)

What really overwhelms you is that you are dealing with this, and there is no culture of safety to where you both can openly express your thoughts.

Once I realize this, I stopped trying to put it upon myself to change, fix or solve my partner's issues. I realize that my role is to be a teammate - a support figure.

For the last 3 months, I've just been focusing on creating this emotionally safe environment where she can feel what she feels, think what she thinks, and etc...

I want her to feel like, of all the people she can go through this with, it's me.

And what's funny is that overtime, as she begins to understand that I now understand what she is feeling, she often asks me for me thoughts, my opinions, and actually takes in a lot of my solutions.

Really different than in the beginning when she would reject everything I say and keep telling me "Forget it - you don't understand what it's like to be me".